YUKI

"Hindi kami puwedeng tumira sa lugar mo. Hindi mo naman kami kaanoano. We're just friends. We're just classmates. We're not even a couple."

"We're just classmates?"

"Oo."

"We're just friends?"

"Yes."

"We're not even a couple?"

"Oo—" I pushed down that lump of saliva in my throat. "We're never a couple."

He felt silent. Natatakot ako sa magiging reaksyon niya. In the past few months, he has been so sincere about his feelings for me while I was trying to hold back mine.

Sa gabing iyon, as we stayed quiet, tranging boses ng kapitbahay kong lasinggera ang umaalingawngaw sa buong kuwarto. Si Aling Perlita sa labas na nag-vi-vidoeke at kumakanta ng Kitchie Nadal medley ang umiikot na tunog sa pagitan naming dalawa.

Ivan never responded. Mga ilang minuto rin iyon. We were like waiting for the medley to finish bago kami nagkalakas ng loob na lingunin ulit ang isa't isa. When Aling Perlita was done singing "Same Ground," kinalabit ako ni Ivan sa tuhod ko.

"Kailangan bang maging couple para patirahin kita sa bahay ko?"

"Ah, yes?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay habang pinipilit kong umupo mula sa pagkakahiga ko. "And, kahit hindi tayo couple, hinding-hindi ko matatanggap 'yang offer mo."

Ivan was silent again. Halatang bumalik na naman siya sa sarili niyang mundo. It was as if he was trying to find the right words before he came back to me. He has always been like this; maingat na siya sa akin, taking care of me not just physically but emotionally as well. Then, I saw him looked down. I noticed he started squeezing his key card of his condo unit.

To make that moment more awkward. Aling Perlita is now singing the part of the medley that says, "Huwag na huwag mong sasabihin na hindi mo nadama itong pag-ibig kong handang ibigay kahit pa ang kalayaan mo."

Mabilis akong tumayo. Sumigaw ako sa bintana. Tinapat ko sa direksyon ng kapitbahay kong wrong timing ang bibig ko. "Aling Perlita, magpatulog ka na!" Sabay bagsak ng bintana pasarado.

I went back to Ivan, hoping to get a reaction from him, but he was just looking at his feet. I sat back on my bed, waiting for him to speak.

"Wala itong kapalit, Yuki, hindi gaya ng—" Hindi niya tinuloy. Pero bakit pakiramdam kong may gusto siyang patamaan sa akin. "Let's just say you could stay there until you save enough money at nang makalipat kayo sa mas maayos na lugar."

"Walang mali rito sa lugar namin. May mga kapitbahay akong handang tumulong kay Kite at sa akin sa oras ng pangangailangan."

I wished I could tell him more. That this has been our home ever since. I feel safe here. Kahit hindi sa amin ang lupang ito, maayos ang mga kapitbahay ko. There is a sense of camaraderie among us, from exchanging food in the morning to making sure that everyone gets home safe at night.

"What about your brother's health?

"Sanay na sa dumi ang kapatid ko. He has grown so immune to the dirt in this place that he has built resistance to it. Laking kalye si Kite, malakas ang resistensya niya sa sakit. Huwag ka nang mag-alala sa kanya—"

"What about your health?" Lumapit siya lalo. He kept his gaze fixed with mine. I saw the light from his eye shiver like a drop of water. "Paano naman ang kalusugan mo, Yukihero?"

I know he saw how he made me smile bago ko pa ilihis ang mukha ko.

"Ayos lang ako, Ivan."

My hand that was leaning on the bed suddenly felt warm when Ivan Boselli placed his hand on top of it.

"Kelan mo iisipin ang sarili mo, Yukihero?" He leaned closer.

I can't remember how that night ended. There were moments when we almost kissed. I tried my hardest to prevent such moments. Nag-usap pa kami noong gabing iyon habang nakatalukbo kami ng kumot. He tried his best to convince me to come with him. Hindi gaya ng ibang nakakasama ko sa kama, Ivan never took advantage of me under the sheets. Nandoon lang kami at nag-uusap. We talked quietly always at nights like these para hindi magising ang kapatid ko. Marami pa siyang sinabi. But that last thing he said about me was still dancing in my head until I wished him good night.

Kelan ko nga ba iisipin ang sarili ko?

***

The next day, we were back at Eastampton. Humupa na ang pagdumog ng mga tao kay Ivan. It's like people have gotten used to him and gone back to their own lives.

"Alam mo, one of the good things of me exposing my self is—" Ivan pointed at the guy behind us while we were sitting in Math. Marahan akong napalingon. Iyong dating kasuntukan namin sa basketball court ay abala sa pakikinig sa bago naming classmate na isa rin sa mga body guard ni Ivan. "Greg, I thought day off mo ngayon?"

"Boss, estudyante rin ako rito, ano ka ba?" maangas na tugon ni Greg. Nginusuan niya kaming dalawa ni Ivan sabay malaanghel na ngumiti sa katabi niya. "Sir Rohan, paturo nga ulit nito."

Aside from being ate Jasmine's chosen bodyguard for Ivan, Rohan easily made his way to our class. Artistahin si Rohan. Kamukha niya si Ronnie Alonte. His has clean-cut hair at lagi lang siyang naka-smile. Ate Jasmine once told me that he chose Rohan para sa kanya mabaling ang atensyon ng ibang girls tuwing naglalakad kaming apat. He's the most good-looking of her men. With him in our group, hindi na nga masyadong pinagkakaguluhan si Ivan because Rohan is enough to be an eye candy for them.

"You calculate the tangent by using this formula. Tapos hindi ba may default na binigay si Ma'am na value ng f of x?" Rohan was very patient with Greg. The funny thing about him is never ko syang nakitang naghawak ng notebook. Pero hindi nawawala ang cell phone sa kamay niya to make sure he responds immediately to his bosses, except when the teacher is in front.

"So, what's your next class?" I asked Ivan. Medyo paiba-iba na kasi ang schedule niya because of his obligations in the So Corporation.

"We have something to do in the chemistry lab."

Good. I want to make sure na wala siya sa susunod na klaseng papasukan ko.

"Why do you ask, Yuki?"

"Errr... just wanna check things out if you have your stuff with you."

"Greg had that covered. Nakalimutan ko nga ang lab gown, but Rohan had an extra in his locker."

May mga pagkakataong nagseselos rin ako sa mga simpleng bagay patungkol kay Ivan Boselli. Isa ito sa mga pagkakataong iyon. "Bakit hindi ka sa akin nanghiram?" Medyo napataas ang boses ko. Kahit ako ay nagulat.

Ivan stared at me. Nakataas ang isa niyang kilay. Then a silly smile grew on his face. "Nagseselos ka ba, Yukihero?"

"Hindi no!" Medyo napataas ulit ang tono ko. I turned my attention to my bag. I pretended I was fixing something.

"Nagseselos ka, e."

"Hindi nga."

"So may lab gown ka ba?"

"Wala."

"See. Kaya hindi kita tinanong."

"You're missing the point. You could have asked me first kahit na wala akong dala."

Naiinis ako. Pero hindi sa kanya. Naiinis ako dahil walang preno ang bibig ko. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko at ganito ang nararamdaman ko.

"Para lab gown lang, Yuki."

I bit my lips. Pero hindi ko maitago ang nakabusangot kong mukha.

"At saka hindi ba sabi mo kagabi, we are not a couple, Azukawa?"

"Kailangan bang maging couple para hiraman ng lab gown?"

"Kailangan bang couple para tumira sa bahay ko?"

This guy! This freaking guy!

He's using his debate skills in their business para pakainin ako ng alikabok.

Hindi na ako nakasagot. But I could see from my peripheral vision that he is still smiling at me. Nakadantay ang ulo niya sa kanyang palad habang nakatungkod ang siko nya sa lamesa niya while facing my direction, grinning.

I felt him moved his arm chair closer. I pretended I'm looking for something in my backpack. I then felt his hand slide inside my bag as well. Napatingin ako kay Ivan. I was lost in his eyes when he started holding my hands inside my bag. Our fingers intertwined.

"Next time, I'll ask for yours, I promise," he hushed.

***

I went to a class after that with a silly smile on my face. Kanina pa namumula ang pisngi ko habang naglalakad sa hallway. I will never get used to Ivan holding my hands. Parang after shock palagi. The feeling of being elctricuted in a good way is something na baka hanap-hanapin ko na sa kanya kapag nakasanayan ko.

I asked Ivan about his next class to make sure na wala siya sa pupuntahan ko. His chemistry lab will be on the ground floor of the opposite wing of the campus, while the subject called Creative Composition will take place on the third floor of the opposite building.

"Good morning po, Miss Dee."

"Oh! Long time, no see! Thanks for volunteering this time, Yuki. Na-miss ka ng room na ito. Here is your payment."

She gave me the envelope. It's like a donation na binibigay ng mga estudyante niya eveytime na hindi available ang mga model na kinukuha nila for their class. Hirap kasi silang kumuha ng model to paint. Kadalasan, masyadong mahal ang presyo kung kukuha pa sila sa labas kaya minsan ako na lang ang nag-vo-volunteer at may extra pa akong income.

I decided to pick up these offers more often to save enough money and transfer Kite to a better house. Para na sa aming dalawa at upang hindi na matuloy ni Ivan ang gusto niyang pagkuha sa amin sa condo niya.

"You know what to do, Yuki?"

"Opo, Miss."

"Sige, get ready, then come out when you're all set."

Sa backdoor niya ako pinapasok para hindi ako makilala ng klase niya. Napakatagal na rin noong huling ginawa ko ito. I would always put on a masquerade mask, bago hubarin ang lahat ng suot ko.

I shaved my body last night in preparation for this. I was already instructed by Miss Dee on what to do. I grabbed the bowl of bananas at tanging iyon ang ipinantakip ko sa harapan ko. With the mask covering almost my entire face, I pray that wala sa kanila ang makakilala sa akin.

Sinilip ko muna sila mula sa kurtina. They are all freshmen. Mukha naman silang mababait at hindi ako huhusgahan gaya ng ibang naging estudyante ni Miss Dee. They all have these huge blank canvas in front of them, and in their hands are dry paint brushes.

I slowly stepped out. May mga napa-gasp at mahinang tili gaya ng inaasahan ko. May natatawa rin at may iba na napapatakip pa ng mata.

I honestly don't mind.

There were like ten of them. May ilang blanko pang upuan, and most of them are girls. I sat on a chair facing them, and my back was facing the door in case na may biglang pumasok. I pose like the famous statue of The Thinker pero may basket ng saging sa pagitan ng mga hita ko.

I sat still as they started painting me; all frozen as I let them draw every detail of my deltoid up to my pectoralis muscle.

Miss Dee would go around them to check their work. Medyo matagal ang class na iyon and it's almost 30 minutes when she decided to leave and go to the restroom. I was left alone with her students.

"Hindi ka ba tinitigasan?" biglang tanong sa akin ng isang estudtyanteng lalaki.

I heard a small loughter sweeping across the room.

"Ako, sa inyo, titigasan? Never," I said to myself habang iniirapan ko sila behind my mask.

One thing I learned about this raket is to never speak in front of them to avoid them recognizing my voice. May mga tanong pa sila sa akin na hindi ko na lang pinatulan. I just sat there quiet, doing my job, because I knew that they had to focus on theirs, and they only had another hour to submit it to Miss Dee.

Nakatalikod pa rin ako sa pinto when I heard it open. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag. Miss Dee might have returned from the restroom.

"Sorry, I'm late."

Bigla akong pinagpawisan. I fucking know his voice kahit saan! Barotono at mahinahon. Halatang hinihingal dahil sa layo ng itinakbo niya. His familiar scent of dew drops na fresh from the shower, immediately burst into the room's atmosphere. At base sa ngiti ng mga estudyante kaharap ko when they saw him... the one who came in...

was definitely Ivan.

Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa bowl ng saging na nakakalong sa akin, because I could feel one of the bananas between my legs growing bigger.

Shit! Boses at amoy pa lang niya, ito na reaksyon ng katawan ko kay Ivan Boselli.