YUKI

Andi helped me in starting up Kite in his school. Noon ko lang nakitang ganoon kasaya ang kapatid ko. Everything was already prepared for him at school. Tipong inaasahan na siya ng mga teachers. Maging ang mga higher-ups ng paaralan ay mabuti rin ang pakikitungo sa amin.

Then I felt guilty. There's that constant voice in my head that keeps saying that I don't deserve all this help.

Hindi ko puwedeng iasa lahat kay Ivan patungkol sa kapatid ko. I left my other job mula noong nalaman ko ang tunay na pagkatao ni Ivan. Wala pang isang linggo, sinubukan kong maghanap ng part-time job. Pero hindi madaling makahanap ng trabaho lalo na ang malapit sa amin.

After job hunting for a week, I finally landed on one. Isang marketing job. Taga abot ng leaflet sa labas ng mga building.

"Oh, ganito ha. Commision based tayo," sabi ng nag-recruit sa akin. "Depende sa dami ng gagamit sa code ninyo sa leaflet and kita ninyo today."

We were wearing a mascot of Keroppi. We were handing out leaflets for a game application at malaki naman ang makukuha namin kahit maubos lang namin ang aming pinapamigay. Those who install the app will just be our bonus.

My first day was a disaster. Halos walang pumapansin sa akin. I felt so frustrated. Halos sinukuan ko na. Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Mas maganda na ito kesa sa isa ko pang trabaho."

The next day, I was in Bonifacio Global City. Sa Highstreet ako na-assign. It was scorching hot. Ramdam kong basang-basa na ako ng pawis sa loob ng mascot ko.

I checked the temperature today and it's almost 40 degrees. I decided to drag down my costume. Foldable naman ito up to my waist. But I kept Keropi's head on top of me. Bale I'm topless, may frog costume sa bewang ko pababa, at ulo ni Keroppi ang nakatakip sa ulo ko.

"Uwa ̄ , kero ppide hatarai teru no ne? (Wow, you work for Keroppi?)." Nilapitan ako ng tatlong Hapon na turista. Agad nilang kinuha ang leaflets. They even scanned the application QR codes in front of me. Kahit papaano ay naiintindihan ko sila. I'm half Japanese. I'm one of those people who can somehow understand Nihongo, but hindi ko kayang magsalita nang dirediretso. "Kin'niku o mageru koto wa dekimasu ka? (Can you flex your muscles?)" Which I did. Nagpa-picture silang lahat sa akin na tila isa akong artista.

Nilapitan ako ng mas marami pang tao.

Then it hit me: This is a good gimmick, Yukihero!

The next thing I knew was that people were taking pictures of me as I posed for the camera. Wala pang kalahating araw ay ubos na ang pinamimigay ko.

I went home that day with a huge commission. Hindi man siya kagaya ng kita ko sa isa ko pang trabaho ay puwede na rin ito kahit papaano.

My gimmick has been good for a week. Sapat lamang ang isang linggo para mawala sa isip ko si Ivan. Life is going great. Hindi ko na siya iniisip.

Sometimes, napapadaan sa puwesto ko ang ibang taga Eastampton. Good thing I keep my head costume on. Ayaw kong pati ito ay ipamukha sa akin ng mga kabarkada ko.

I would dress in the frog mascot tapos magsasalita ako ng balikong Japanese para walang makakilala sa boses ko.

"Sumimasen (excuse me), do you wanna install our app deska?"

Mabenta ang barok kong Japanese. Sobrang benta. I was enjoying my shift, nang biglang may pamilyar na aninong dumaan sa harap ko.

It's Ivan. May kasama siyang babae.

Ivan was holding hands with a girl. Napakaganda niya. She is wearing a green dress. Siya iyong nakita ko sa TV. Ivan was wearing a coat and tie na kulay green din. They seem to be going to an event sa bandang Maybank Open Theater. Mukha silang nag-sho-shopping sa High Street along with their body guards.

Biglang napatingin si Ivan sa kinatatayuan ko.

Time stopped.

Sa lugar na iyon. Sa kalsadang iyon. Sa mainit na tanghaling iyon. Kaming tatlo lang ang nakakulay green. Emerald in her green dress, Ivan in his green coat, and me in my silly green frog costume.

I saw Ivan let go of Emerald's hand.

"Where are you going?" she said.

"Just a minute," Ivan answered without turning his head.

Oh God, I missed his voice.

Marahan niya akong nilapitan. Hindi ako makakilos. My body froze under the scorching sun.

Inayos ko ang tayo ko. Hindi ako nagpahalata na kakilala ko siya. He must not find out that it's me in this funny, green, frog costume.

"Sumimasen," aniko. Tininisan ko ang boses ko. Inabutan ko siya ng leaflet.

Kinuha niya ang papel. Marahan niyang binasa. Then he turned back on me.

"Sumimasen..." I was about to ask him, Do you wanna download our app deska? Pero nadulas ako. At ang kadalsang kinukulit ko sa kaniya ang naitanong ko. "Sumimasen, ala jowa deska?"

Ivan smiled. God, I missed his smile. I was about to change the topic, pero na-realize ko na this is my chance.

"Ala jowa des?" Itinuloy kong tanong para makompirma ko mismo sa kaniya ang ibinalita sa TV.

Then he looked down. As if he had recognized my voice. I used to think this so-called Japanese-Tagalog slang brought me joy. But what he said after that totally broke my heart as huge dark clouds started to form above us.

"Meron na akong jowa," Ivan said without lifting his head.

Mabilis niya akong tinalikuran. Nahulog ko ang lahat ng leaflets ko. It's as if on a clear day, kasabay ng pagkabigo ng puso ko ay ang pag-ihip ng malakas na hangin.

I watched Ivan and his girlfriend walk away. Sa loob ng maskara ko, I can taste something salty. Basang-basa ang pisngi ko. I'm quietly sobbing as I pick up every piece of paper.

Then I heard the rain pour down outside my mask.

Masyado akong nasaktan sa sinagot sa akin ni Ivan. I was so lost in thought that I decided to just stand there in the middle of the rain with my leaflets and half-worn Keroppi costume. Hindi ko na tinakpan ang sando ko. I need to cool off anyway. Gusto kong maramdaman ang ulan. Gusto kong lunurin ang katawan ko sa tubig mula sa langit kesa sa luha mula sa aking puso.

Kalahating oras akong nakatayo roon.

Isinuko ko ang lahat sa ulan. Ayaw kong sumilong. Ayaw kong may makarinig sa mga hagulgol ko. I want the rain to cover the sound of my grief. I want this ugly green frog mascot to hide my pain.

I've drilled in my head that Ivan will never love me. Matagal ko nang tanggap iyon.

Pero bakit ang sakit-sakit pa rin?

In that moment, I heard footsteps in the puddle. Mahinang tunog na lalong bumibilis. I heard someone run towards me. Mabilis itong huminto sa tabi ko.

"Sumimasen," he said in his baritone voice. I will always know his voice. It has been carved in my ears. He grabbed me and dragged me along High Street. He's smiling and laughing hard while mentioning my name. It's Ivan Boselli. "Get out of the rain, Yuki-no-baka!"

May dala siyang payong. Tinangka niyang isilong ako subalit hindi kami kasya dahil sa laki ng suot ko sa ulo. Inalis ko ang ulo ni Keroppi.

I know that he can see from my bawling eyes how much I miss him.

His presence.

His silhouette.

The tip of his shadow.

Even just his voice.

K-kahit... kahit boses niya lang.

Kahit isa lang sa mga iyon ang bumalik sa tabi ko, masaya na 'ko.

Ulilang-ulila na 'ko sa 'yo, mahal.

Hindi ko mabigkas ang mga katagang iyon. Wala naman akong karapatang mahalin siya.

He placed the umbrella above my head to keep me dry, even if it meant soaking his expensive clothes.

Then the rain grew stronger; powerful enough to blow away his umbrella, and the pamphlets from my hands.

I didn't have time to react. Hinila niya ako patakbo. I could only feel his gentle grip as we ran in the heavy drizzle.

There's that part of me that wants to let go of his hand. But he would always turn around to make sure that I was still there. Everything was in slow motion every time he'd look at me and smile while we were running.

Then I could see two of his bodyguards chasing us. May dalawa ring babaeng naka dress while on sneakers that were running towards us.

"Ivan." I tried calling him.

"Shhh, let's talk later. Right now, kelangan muna nating mailigaw ang dalawang pinsan ko."

"Saan mo ba ako dadalhin?"

"Somewhere safe, 'yung hindi ka huhusgahan ng mga tao."

"But I need to finish my job."

We turned on a corner. Pinasok niya ako sa isang fire exit ng isang building sabay sandal sa akin sa pader sa loob.

"Bakit ba kasi iyan ang naisip mong trabaho, Yuki?"

"I tried to look for another job, Ivan. But no one would accept someone like me. Nagbabago ang isip nila whenever they ask me if I have this. Someone with—"

"Republic Act 8504," Ivan said. Hinihingal pa siya while pressing his hands against the wall sa tagiliran ko. "You have the right to keep your condition private. Compulsory testing for HIV is unlawful. And any discrimination against you, because of it, especially for employment, is against the law, Yukihero. Alamin mo ang karapatan mo."

"But still—"

"No buts! You gotta learn how to stand for yourself!"

He was giving me lectures. Para siyang nagagalit. Minsan ay pinapalo pa niya ang pader sa gilid ko whenever he emphasizes a certain term. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang iba pa niyang sinasabi. I was just staring at him while he spoke difficult phrases. I like the anxious expression on his face. Ang paiba-ibang itsura ng kilay niya as he explained everything. I like his wet hair dangling on his brow. His lovely lips moved so nicely that I longed to kiss them.

"Yuki!" he called to me. Magkasalubong na ang mga kilay ni Ivan. "Are you even listening?"

Then I saw his clothes. Green. Naalala ko ang babaeng kasama niya kanina. I felt my gut twist.

"Why are you even helping me?" bulalas ko. Tinulak ko siya palayo. But Ivan is strong. I am bigger than him, but he obviously had some strength training para ma-pin niya ako pabalik sa pader. "Get off me! Go back to your girlfriend. Doon ka na sa Emerald mo!"

Ipinatong niya ang baba niya sa balikat ko.

"Ask me again," he whispered. Malalim ang kaniyang mga hininga. Ramdam ko na nagpipigil siyang humagulgol. "Ask me again with one of your made up Japanese questions."

"What do you—"

"In Japanese, Yuki!"

"Sumima— sumimasen." Napalunok ako ng laway. I don't know what his deal pero I want him to stop crying on my shoulders. "Ala jowa deska?"

Nginudngon niya ang labi niya balat ko.

"It depends," Ivan whispered. Inalis niya ang mukha niya sa aking balikat. Hinarap niya ako. "If it's okay with you, sa 'yo na 'ko, Yukihero Azukawa."