YUKI

Hindi ako mamahalin ni Ivan kahit mahal na mahal ko siya.

I was trying my best to avoid him mula nang lumala ang kondisyon ko. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit niya ako madalas tulungan. Imposible namang magkagusto siya sa akin dahil alam kong patay na patay siya sa pinsan ni Andi.

Sa dami ng walang kasiguraduhan sa mundo: kung mabubuhay ba akong matagal, kung matatangap ba ako ng lipunan, kung matatapos ba ang diskriminasyon sa mga taong may kondisyon na kagaya ko, kung may mahahanap ba akong trabaho sa kabilan ng lahat ng ito, kung makikita ko bang tumanda ang kapatid kong si Kite...

Isa lang ang sigurado ako...

Hinding-hindi ako mamahalin ni Ivan Boselli.

Pero sa itsura niya ngayon, I can't help but think otherwise. He came up to me already barefooted. Katabi ko siya sa entablado ng school gymnasium.

"I'll be Yuki's partner. Just don't humiliate him in front of the class." Ivan went to the speaker. He pressed the play button. "Dance with me," he said nang tabihan niya ako.

The dance steps were basically a fox trot. He started moving. When he raised his hands and made his first step, it's as if time moved in slow motion. Madulas ang kanyang mga galaw na tila isang magandang isda na umiikot sa sa malinaw na batis.

Sa una ay nakatulala lang ako. Pero para siyang professional interpretative dancer sa galaw ng katawan niya. In the first few piano notes of the song "Everglow", his feet moved like a butterfly and the stage was his garden. I ignored the fact that he was wearing his soccer jersey. Hindi niya inintindi na kahit magmukha siyang sumayaw na parang bulaklak na hinahawi ng hangin kahit ganoon ang suot niya.

His facial expressions were flawless. Pawis na pawis ang mukha niya and his hair was moving with volume. He looked like someone who just came from a whole day of playing sports. But the more he sweated, the fresher he seemed.

Hindi siya mukhang pagod. It was as if in every step, he calculated them all perfectly to match the notes of the song.

Pinagmamasdan ko lang ang mga pamilyar niyang hakbang hanggang sa mapagtanto ko ang isang bagay.

Ivan had been studying our dance steps this whole time. Sinsayaw ang dapat sasayawin ni Angel.

My body moved on its own. I tiptoed, slowly approaching him. I reached for his hand. Our hands interlaced as we slowly circled each other as if we were newlyweds, sipping from each other's wine cups. Then we raced in the opposite direction, like ocean waves, with our backs arched in the air and our feet and arms curved, producing the perfect "C."

Then we dashed toward the middle. He jumped with such timing that I found it easy to lift him into the air like what I was supposed to do with Angel.

When the song approached its chorus, he held me, exactly as he had seen in my rehearsals.

Pinadaan niya ang kamay niya sa mukha ko. Iginuhit ko ang daliri ko sa mga labi niya. I gripped his hand and had him twirl three times, as if we were dancing tango.

We walked a few steps apart. Then we danced on our heels like pasodobles, pounding our feet on the stage's hardwood floor as the chorus reached its climax. Sabay kaming napadapa. Kinakalampag namin ang sahig like widows grieving for the loss of their beloved.

As the song progressed, he performed his solo rendition while lying on the floor. His hands were like wings, waving like cicadas. I approached him like a butterfly and stretched for his grip. He gracefully allowed me to carry him around his waist while he moved his hands in the air like cherry blossoms—swaying in the spring breeze.

And as the song ended, we stood side by side, like various colored tulips, deeply breathing and gazing at the sky.

Then we heard applause coming from below.

"Now that's how you interpret a song!" sigaw ng teacher ko.

I slowly moved my head, and to my surprise, the entire gymnasium was filled with students and faculty members clapping their hands. Some were even taking pictures of us.

I looked at Ivan. He was just staring at me. Marahan siyang lumalapit as if he wanted to hold my hand.

It was the same thing he did while we were on the roof last night. How he tried to kiss me.

Lalo siyang lumalapit sa akin sa entablado.

He was moving his lips. Hindi ko siya marinig dahil sa palakpakan ng mga tao but I could read his lips move to the words, "I think, I love you."

Imahinasyon ko lang ang lahat ng ito. Oo, Yuki. Imahinasyon mo lang ang lahat. Hindi ka puwedeng mahalin ni Ivan Boselli.

I turned around. I pretended I never heard him.

I ran down the stage before he could even reach me. I dashed to the fire exit and found myself running outside the school. Hindi na ako lumingon.

Sino naman ba ako para habulin niya?

I was panting pero ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagtakbo. Until I found myself in my safe space. Sa gilid ng simbahan. Sa isang hardin na hindi madalas puntahan ng mga tao. On a stone, I sat down and wept.

"No, not Ivan, anyone but Ivan, stupid Yuki," bulalas ko sa sarili ko.

Nakayuko lang ako roon. My two palms were like dams to my eyes that have been pouring a river. I was still crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Then I heard his familiar voice.

Ang boses niyang malalim. Malalim, kasing lalim ng mga iniisip niya.

"Yuki," he said softly. My troubled heart calmed down when Ivan mentioned my name. "Bakit mo ako tinakbuhan?"

Tatayo na sana ulit ako when he grabbed my wrist.

"Sandali lang Yukihe—"

"Ivan," I cut him off. I can't even look at him. Nakatingin ako sa kabilang direksyon habang hawak pa rin niya ang kanang kamay ko. "Remember the thing you promised me on this place before?"

"Oo naman. I promised that I would no longer judge you."

Napalunok ako ng laway. Nanlalamig ang pawis ko.

"Can you promise me something else?"

"What do you mean, Yuki?"

I turned to him. Slowly, like the setting sun. Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya. I gently removed his hand from mine bago ko pinakawalan ang mga salitang dudurog sa puso ko.

"Ivan, can you promise that you will never fall in love with me instead?"

"But—But why?"

"I have a condition." Ibinaba ko ang tingin ko. Kasing baba ng tingin ko sa sarili ko at sa mga pinagdaanan ko. "I have HIV, Ivan Boselli."