I told myself that I had to calm down as soon as I crossed the threshold of Jack's house. I felt off all evening and my anxiety felt like a monster in my head that I just couldn't shake. Just hiding in every corner of my mind, poking his head out at every thought I had. 

Missy's words sat on my chest like a fifty-pound weight the rest of my shift and Jack looked like he wanted to punch something as he flew through his closing duties. I purposely tried to leave before him so I had a few minutes to collect myself before he came home. I blurted out my feelings to him and had to wait hours for a response. When he finally called me, I could hear something was off in his voice. I tried to shove the anxiety in my throat down during our brief conversation and I know him telling me he loved me was him reassuring me that we were alright. I wasn't ready to say it back, so I am glad he hung up before my silence strained our relationship more than it already was. 

I knew my anxiety monster wasn't going to let me lay down and calm myself in bed, so I decided to cook something shortly after arriving home. I needed something to do with my hands, but I was too tired to bake. I quickly realized Jack doesn't cook much since he only had oats, pasta, granola, and an array of stale cereals. I was pleased to find an almost empty bottle of olive oil and a packet of Italian seasoning, so this wasn't going to be the blandest bowl of noodles I had ever whipped together. 

I am just tossing the noodles in oil when I hear the garage door open. My stomach clenches and I tell my monster to fuck off. I need to confidently face Jack and just get to the bottom of this whole Maggie business. I also just need to decide if I can trust Jack enough to continue on in this relationship or if I need to jump ship.

The door from the garage slams shut and Jack quickly appears in the corner of the kitchen. I can't read his expression. It could be pissed the hell off or on the verge of tears.

"Hi," I say with the metal tongs frozen in my hand. 

"Hi," he says back and his eyes go to the pot. "I'm starving."

"You're not stocked up enough on anything to ever come home starving."

"I know, I almost had to make you pasta for breakfast yesterday." 

"Seeing that your lucky charms are basically dust at this point, that makes sense."

He gives me a small smile and slowly moves to the barstool. He drops onto it and I think he's dumping his emotions along with his elbows onto the island with how he plops them on it. 

"How was the rest of work?" I ask gently as I drop a bundle of noodles into his blue ceramic pasta bowl. I stick a fork into the noodles and then slide the pathetic dish over to him. 

"Not great," he confesses and he swirls his fork around until he has a clump of noodles ready to be shoved into his mouth. I wince as I prepare my own and then say, "I think Maggie was after you tonight. Missy thought so too." 

"Oh, she was. Her keying my car confirmed that." I drop the tongs and they bounce off the tile flooring with a loud clang. 

"What? Your car was keyed?" I ask in shock. "How do you know it was Maggie?"

"I had Missy show me the security footage," he says matter-of-factly. I snatch the tongs off the floor and drop them in the sink. I turn to face Jack and my hands stay planted on the counter behind me. 

"Jack...I don't know what to say. I am shocked." I tell him, trying to find something to say. I cannot believe Maggie would do that. Or maybe I can. I know she once slashed a guy's tires who groped her while she was cocktail waitressing. 

"Well, you might have more to say about how I handled it," he starts and I push myself off the counter as he adds, "I quit." 

"What?" I gasp. "You quit? Did you call Maggie?" 

He shakes his head and finishes chewing before he answers, "I told Missy. How do I come back from that? Why am I going to go walk on eggshells my entire shift, wondering what shit work Maggie is going to have me do? Mag's was fun money for me. A way to pay for the toys my parents wouldn't."

"But...I mean...what about me? What about us? I love working with you. I don't..." My brain is glitching. I cannot comprehend Mag's without Jack with me at the back bar. He's the reason I love Mag's. 

"Honestly Luce, after what you told me today, I didn't know if there was an us. You don't trust me. You're convinced I am going to cheat on you. Everyone thinks I am going to be the fuck up. So...yeah I didn't know where we stood when I quit. But I do know that I am not going to be able to work with Maggie." He drops his fork into his bowl and the noise reverberates around the open kitchen. I stare at him and he's waiting for me to say something. I'm sure he's been waiting for me to say something all evening. 

"Jack I just...do you know how hard it is to trust you when I know how quickly you move from girl to girl? When I know how many girls you talk to at one time. Today you said that I forget that you know me, but I think you forget how well I know you and your habits. I saw Kylie texted you today and I just...I can't compete with girls like her."

"I'm not asking you to."

"I know, but I'm afraid I'm going to bore you, Jack. That I am not going to be enough. I have wanted you for years, craved your attention, and fantasized about what being with you would be like. But wanting you and having you are two different things. I never actually thought I'd have you and now it scares the shit out of me. I saw you half-naked with Kylie today and then Missy tells me you kissed Maggie more than once. I'm hearing and seeing things that only fuel my insecurities and prove you are already hiding shit." Tears have betrayed me and are now spilling down my flushed cheeks. I have to lay it all out there now. I just need to ask him what I want to know. "What all happened with you and Maggie and don't say you only kissed once at a party because I know that's not true." I watch Jack drop his head into his hands with his elbows propped on the counter. He shakes his head and then looks back at me. 

"I have made out with Maggie a total of three times. Once in her living room, once at my car and once in the office. Her living room was the only time I considered taking it further and you already know I stopped it. I was being stupid but I will also remind you, that I was single and you were engaged and in New York. My actions have consequences now, but I didn't think you were ever coming home. You can be mad it was Maggie, but it shouldn't affect us now. I chose you. I want you. Not Maggie, not Kylie, not Ariana or Sarah or Kate or Shadi or any of the lake rats you hate so much. You. I want you. I have only ever loved you and that's why I will not cheat on you, Lucy. I have only ever loved you and that's the difference between you and every other girl on the planet. You are writing me off before even giving me the chance. I wouldn't have you move in, and meet your parents and tell my parents about you if I wasn't serious. I can tell you and reassure you with my words over and over but you need to let me show you. So my question to you is, are you all in? Or are you going to let your anxiety and imagination ruin this before we even explore what this could be?" He shoves his bowl away from him, his frustration with me is evident. 

"I guess I just have a hard time believing you'd be in love with me. That out of all those girls, you'd really want me. That you're in love with me before we've even slept together." 

"That's how I know I am in love with you. I haven't even had sex with you and I am obsessed with you. You were my best friend before you left here, Lucy. I know we are compatible, I know we can have fun together. I know we can be each other's advocates. Sex won't change that for me." I wipe my tears off my cheeks with my sleeve and realize he's right. I haven't had sex with him and I am infatuated with him. Having sex with him suddenly won't make me fall out of love with him. Right?

"What if that's just all this is? Sexual frustration. What if when we finally have sex, we fulfill the fantasy part of our relationship and we realize that's all we were? Just a sexual fantasy." 

"Do you want to have sex to find out?" He asks me plainly and I feel his words underneath my joggers. Of course I want to have sex and find out, but that will make this messier. He pushes himself off the barstool and leans over the counter, "I'll only love you more. Not less." 

I shake my head, "You can't know that." 

"I can. My feelings aren't fleeting, Lucy. Are yours?" 

"No," I answer quickly without hesitation. 

"Then what do you want? What do you want from me? You want me to delete every girl's number from my phone? Done. Delete all my DMs and girls on Instagram. Done. Never talk to Maggie or Kylie again. Done. We've been together for two days, but I think you've actually only been comfortable with us for about twenty minutes." 

An emotion from deep inside my chest bursts out of me and I can't stop crying as I say, "I don't want to get hurt. I am so fucking scared to trust another man with my heart. Blake cheating on me was one thing, but you....god Jack if you fall out of love with me I couldn't handle it." Jack bolts around the island to come over to me and pulls me into him. 

"I'm not Blake, Lucy. You just have to trust that."

"I felt so fucking stupid, Jack. You have no idea how dumb I felt when I found out Blake was cheating on me with Taisha. Like, his fucking secretary. How dumb to have so easily believed all his bullshit when so much of it was in front of my face. Then to find out there were a dozen women he slept with behind my back. I don't want to be that naive or blindsided ever again." He's still holding me against his chest as he says, "You can't hold Blake's shit against me though, Lucy." He then peels away from me and I look up to him, "I need you to trust me."

Another sob bursts from my lips before I say, "I don't know if I can. Not just like that."

"Okay then let me show you that you can. What would help you believe that you can trust me? That I am not going to run off with the first woman that talks to me." He uses his palms to wipe my wet cheeks and I shake my head. I honestly don't know what will help me trust him. What specific actions can he take to help bridge this massive issue?

"I dunno. Maybe your passcode. Or, yeah deleting your DMs and old messages. I...don't want to seem insecure but I am. I can't help it."

"My passcode is my birthday. All of my passwords are Lacrosserocks1993. Capital L."

"I thought that was just your Netflix password." 

"That's what I tell Fisher, otherwise he'd mooch off all my shit. But I can never remember any other password." He slides his phone out of his jeans pocket and holds it up to me. 

"Do you want to check it? To prove I am not talking to other girls?" I look at it in his fingers and I am so tempted to snatch it from his grip. I want to fall down that rabbit hole, but I feel like this is where trust starts. I shake my head and say, "Just tell me what you said to Kylie that made her send you a winky face." Confusion flickers across his face and I watch him open his phone. He scrolls through his messages and I see he only talked to Taylor, Fischer, Bre, Scotty and Kylie today. He opens the thread and spins the phone to me. 

Ya, on Taylor's boat. Headed that way now. That is all it says. Then the winky face. 

"I saw you help her off the boat on Ariana's Instagram story today. I didn't like that she was practically naked in your hands."

"I'm not an asshole. I'll help someone off a boat."

"I know, I know. I just know how touchy-feely all those girls are. And how hot and good-looking they all are in bikinis too."

"I'm not going to lie, it's going to be damn near impossible to pretend we're not together and be believably single."

"Well, I swear all of Mag's knows, your parents know and so does Stella. At this point, I just don't want my parents to know yet. Not until I've faced them."

"So are we together? Is this what you want? I can't do this with you every day, Lucy. I can't have you an anxious mess every day." 

I take a step back and look at him. He is trying. He is being transparent and vulnerable with me. He willingly gave me his passcode which Blake was always so cagey about. I definitely never had any of his passwords. 

"Can we start this again? Is there anything, anything at all I should know before walking back into Mag's or checking Instagram or glancing at your Apple watch?" I ask. He quickly shakes his head and drops his phone on the counter. 

"No. You know everything. And honestly, I haven't been with anyone since you left for New York. So yes, I am very sexually frustrated having chosen to have a dry spell. But that doesn't mean I am going to fuck anyone or want to fuck anyone. Other than you. Alright? There is no other woman in my life but you. None." 

I sigh. I already knew about his dry spell from Stella and I bet this is the longest he's gone. I know I need to refrain, but I am so tempted to drag him to his bed. 

"Okay. Then, I am all in Jack. I am done with second-guessing all this. But lord help me, boy if you fuck around on me...I'll be doing so much more than keying your car." He kisses my forehead and pulls me back into him. 

"Oh, I know. Maggie is scary, but Stella Jackson is fucking terrifying."