Ameena Dua Hassan Musa
Egypt, North Africa
Following night

"Doll," Anthony calls me from the sitting room, to where I sat at the dining table on my laptop. Oh, I was not his biggest fan right now. He was actually as good as dead to me, but I signed that fucking piece of paper so here I am; Ameena Musa.

Fuck that, I'm Ameena Musa Hassan.
Doctor Ameena Hassan.

I can't fucking believe him, then it's the audacity to send for me, when he's ready. The nerve of all of them. Leaving me while I'm suppose to go wedding dress shopping, one of the peak experiences about wedding planning. He's turned this whole marriage planning sour and expects me to be happy with him. I kept up appearances in public because it was nobody else's business if we were at odds.

"Ameena, I'm sorry. Say something." But I don't say anything because he doesn't deserve it.

Even when I sat back and thought about the whole thing, if him and Cench didn't want to leave then it was obviously Wadz that pushed for this. "So tell me who wanted to leave."

"Ah hell, of course that's the thing you'd say to me." He scoffed while chuckling in some sort of disbelief. And Anthony knows I like my answers when I ask questions.

"So what are you waiting on then?" I tap against the tap emphasizing I didn't have all day.

"We all did. Because it was the right thing to do." Ant replies, very militant, very rehearsed. Shaking my head it felt like he had left all over again, because it's like he had no remorse for making me feel the way he did.

"Is that what you learned in fugitive boot camp?" I quip back, because that's a bullshit answer and he knew it. Cutting his eyes at me he turned his back to me, finally leaving me alone as I wanted.

The problem is I stupidly fucked him upon arrival, and so he expected me to just fall in line, when in reality I was a raging ball of dopamine and sexual starvation. I already beat myself up for it, berated myself like my mother would've and then ignored my own thoughts like my father ignored me. In ignoring my thoughts, charting became my top priority. I didn't want to be behind when I got back to London.

Suddenly I missed the life I was living right before he brought me here, working and having the love of my friends. The village I built because of him, and despite not having him around.

Loving Anthony as long as I have, came with heartbreak already. I was fourteen when I first looked at him that way, but him and the other two would do everything to not have me around. I was the annoying little sister of the bunch that they never wanted following them, in hind sight they were probably just now getting into the stickiness of it all. It was a combination of him always being around, and being the nicest to me. It was the little things, he'd leave me a sweet when Cench and my brother would scarf them down. The days the three of them couldn't walk me from school, it'd usually be Ant alone to walk me home. When he got a car he would pick me up and drop me off for a while and then they left. I was fourteen when they left, eighteen when they came around more frequently and then they settled back more permanently in my early twenties.

About a year before Killian moved back to New York he asked me to come over because he was experiencing shoulder pain. I didn't see how I could really help him, I was only a med student and at that time most of my patients were cadavers. I ditched modern medicine and went herbal, with a basic wrap and he thanked me so much it got uncomfortable. I was bold and told him the only way I knew his thank you was genuine was if I was treated to Nandos. Expecting a drop off, he did bigger and better; told me how to dress, what time and date. Instead of Nandos he took me to some fancy rooftop steak house, and proceeds to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful but that work prohibits from pursuing us. He went on about me  being the only person he could see himself with, and that years have gone by with him feeling this way.

I took all of that on the chin because I felt like at least he was respectful enough to not lead me on, right? Yeah, sure.

On an almost weekly basis I'm getting hundreds of thousands of dollars wire transferred to my account. Random gifts and about once a month he would text me something motivating for school. And oh fuck, it felt so relationship-y, but I told myself he was just a very caring friend. The night Killian snuck out and we went to the Moroccan lounge, he agreed to take me home from Wadz house after the two of them scolded me for hours. They made sure to let me know how stupid I was, how reckless me and Killian are makes them not trust us, that Killian was corrupting me.

On the way home he pulls over and fucks me into something senseless, being touched by him for the first time was magnificent. It felt intoxicating, it felt freeing, and so naughty because of course we weren't suppose to be together for a multitude of reasons. Wadz always told me to never look to any man in the group, so I always felt like one of the guys around them. Plus I knew my parents wouldn't approve of him , especially if they didn't approve of what Wadz was doing. He, himself warned against us proceeding but we couldn't help ourselves.

The rain began to beat down on us in the car and I still had a little ways to go, the material of the drive way always got him stuck before so we didn't try that night plus the drizzling didn't make it any better. Ant hit me with the classic, "Your brothers right you know." And I scoffed.

"You always defend him." I snapped at him, but he kept his calm and shrugged. Mumbling about how keeping me to himself was all he ever wanted, he moved my hair touching my jaw. He'd never really touch me there before or even that gently, I practically melted like butter on warm pancakes. The rest has brought us here, and I don't have regrets in life but I hate this is when he decided to love me.

Some days I feel like I would've preferred a petty high school teenage love, than adult love and all that comes with it. Adult love seems so complicated and complex, adult love seems sad and draining, adult love makes you cry and question yourself. Adult love makes you crazy. Adult love forms animosity.

I was starting to resent him for things that weren't even his fault. The way I love him, the way I adore him, the way I want him to leave this all alone. Those were my emotions but I started hating him for it because those things seemed like my happiness but also things he wasn't ready for. None of them were ready to leave this behind. They love this life, they love the chaos, they love the big bucks quickly. They didn't love us equally it felt like, and every time the girls and I bonded over the trauma induced by these man we would sit back and sigh because we weren't going to leave. Not yet at least.

And that's the extra fucked up thing about adult love, it humbles you. It makes you foolish, it's makes you overly empathetic. It hits you like a ton of bricks, and no matter what, even if you do get your happy end it still ends sadly when either person is no longer here. It felt like he was always prepping me for his permanent absence, and it was heart breaking.

I wasn't naive to who the boys were as 'professionals' but I always just heard things and played deaf and dumb. I always thought as long as they were being safe it didn't bother me how long they stayed on the game, but all the girls and I wanted were peaceful years to come. Where we can raise our kids together, maybe a country club membership, old money activities with  new money style. These men were intelligent, tactile, precise, and incredibly dangerous, all talents that can be used out side of drugs and murder.

Anthony, Oakley, and Walid liked the innocence that came with dating women like us. Women who really have no part of this business, I stuck to the medical thing early in life, seems like Killian did as well, and Freya has a Masters Degree in Computer Science and keeps up a remote position as a company's Data scientist. Being able to completely live different lives with us than what they had to present to the world. I've seen it in each of them, and just as it drew them in, it also made them keep an arms distance from us. With us they live like the little boys they never got to be, busy providing for a household. That's what we wanted for them...forever and always.

Between Anthony, Oakley, and Walid I couldn't be sure who was tied in the deepest to this life. I had the awful gut feeling it was my brother, but Cench as well, and if I'm being fair....Ant as well. That's the revolving door of thinking when it came to them, they did this life together. Once one committed to something, they all committed to it...especially if it was work related.

Some days I wish we'd snap out of this love spell and do what's best for us. I'd continue my career, and settle down with myself. I wish Killian would find someone more emotionally available, and is considerate of how she likes to be loved. I hope her career flourishes and she lands top hospitals with the top pay, and low mortality rates. I hope that Freya realizes she's worth more than being attached to Walid. I wish she realizes he's selfish and will never love anything more than success, not even her. I prayed she landed the best projects at work and her career excels. I wish everything positive for my girls all the time.

"Look we never hurt you lot. Shit just needed sorting out—"

"Why are you always defending them?" I interrupt, frustrated that their fugitive group project was just a normal Thursday to them, so excuses seemed easy to come by. It was the leaving and saying nothing, that was the most disrespectful thing because they treated our relationships with no dignity.

"Nobody else will." He shrugged.

Biting my cheek I chuckled stiffly, "You're a prick y'know that?" I get up from the table and walk into the room, getting dressed for the gym. When I come out and start looking for my gym trainers, where I know I left them.

"Give me back my stuff." I demanded standing in front of him where he sat on the couch. He was too laid back to really give me a reaction, other than look at me in an upward glare.

"Sit down, you're not going anywhere."

"Looks like we both want things we won't get. Give me my shoes." My demand was made clear again as well as the fact that I would not be sitting down. "You tell me who made you guys leave and maybe I'll stay."
We both wanted things right now and that was my only offer to staying at this time.

"It's not going to change the fact that we left." He shrugs again with a slight shake of his head, as if he was genuinely confused.

And in typical male logic he doesn't understand that, that's not the point.

"Do you owe them money or something?" I ask hastily because I couldn't comprehend how he still just wouldn't tell me. There's no way you'd protect people this deeply, unless you've sold your soul to them or are in debt.

"You'd never understand brotherhood. You don't get it, so I'm not explaining it." His voice was deadpan and that only annoyed me even more.

"Brotherhood my ass, you weirdos must be in some backend cult! You leave me no choice but to make an educated guess, and because I know it was my brother I will be handling my business."

He scoffs, "Yeah okay. Sit down Ameena." Quickly reaching out he grabs my hand and pulls me to the couch. "For my brothers.....it's death before dishonor."

Silence from me because...how can I compete with that? How can any of us compete with their militarized mindset, if they all thought like this? If I asked the wrong question, I'd hate the answer. "Do you even know what love is Anthony?"

He doesn't answer me, he just rests his head in my lap before lifting my hand to place it on his head. "It's you."

"I love you Ameena." Anthony kisses my hand, and I just stare ahead.

"Thank you."

*********

bloodyGoldenHearts Here you are.

Happy birthday to that yt man! He was a cute ass baby 😭 that was a fat maaaaaan. Like you could take a bite out of his cheek. Nom nom nom, ugh, I'm a sucker for fat babies man. I watch the face claim for Killian IG story and why was she at Dave and Cenchs birthday party last year 😂😂😂 London soooooo small, hmmmmmm.

Anyways this originally wasn't planned, but it was the only this that broke my writers block. It's significantly shorter because my brain is literally throbbing. Thanks to bloodyGoldenHearts

More important news...

The occupation and America are still murdering kids btw. They bombed multiple refugee camps, stolen Aid, mocked this genocide and America has done nothing but stayed complicit.

There are two million people on the brink of starvation in Sudan. By September...2024.

Remember it's always....

Fuck the occupation!
Fuck zionism/t!
Fuck colonialism!

Free Palestine
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Give indigenous people back they shit.

Xoxo,
Xstuhcii 💋