***Chapter Playlist***

Russian Roulette - Rihanna
Me and the Devil - Soap&Skin
Bittersuite - Billie Eilish

Please forgive me for what you're about to read. Or don't, very sexually taboo enter at your own risk.

Killian Andrade Caesar-Su
London, UK
Same night

Oakley and I finally make it in the flat, and my nerves were so high it took me everything not to just blurt out what I saw. Everyone at that table wanted her head and saying something then would ignite a flame that was destined to start a damn forest fire.

"What was the big rush?" He plops on the couch, patting the seat next to him for me to join him. Joining him, I sit tensely. "So." I start but my fingers are more interesting, so I'm looking down fidgeting.

Kissing his teeth he lifts my chin to look him in the eye, and separates my hands. "Speak." He says, and suddenly it feels a bit easier.

"London is really small," I allude, "And when I went to the restroom, to saw something." He looks at me as he waits for my story to hit, "I...think Nicole is trying to do something bad." Was the best way for me to explain what I witnessed.

"Go on." He says casually as if the information I was bringing to him, didn't have the potential to change our lives as we know it.

"Oakley I'm serious," I fret, and he just shrugs. "Okay so finish telling me."

"She said something about ruining the king of the west. This time she wasn't with Jude but the detective from when you were on the run. I think they know each other." I spew the details and he just nods.

"We didn't have to leave your celebration early for that by the way. Don't ever let that bullshit stop me from celebrating you. I don't give a fuck about that bitch."

"Yeah but—"

"But nothing." His tone shocks me and I'm taken aback. "You could've told me then they would've been blacklisted from every club in London." Walking away from me he seems more upset with me than anything and I'm confused now.

"Oakley this bitch is playing with the law. Fuck the clubs and blacklisting, your literal freedom is on the line. You missed when I said she was fucking on the detective who questioned me?"

"I heard you I just don't care." Oakley shrugs, "Three heads to roll instead of two. The more the merrier." His tone is callous and cold, and it sends a shiver down my spine.

"I don't feel like you're taking me seriously," I state truthfully because this felt like a joke to him, when to me it wasn't because we have a lot going on.

"Okay so what do you want me to do?" His tone is a frustrated huff and I take quick step back. "If I say I'm going to handle something, that's what I mean. That is work stuff that has no place in our home."

"But-" He stops looks at me and the look is so hard, I don't want to finish what I have to say.

"Please stop doing that." I clear my throat standing my ground, "I'm speaking to you, and I need your undivided as I do so." I take a step closer to him.

"You promised me—" I mutter looking up at him. "You promised me on April 17th 2023, in New York. I asked you, and you promised me."

"Don't do that." He can't look away from me no matter how hard he tries. "I know what I said."

"So then why are you disregarding what I'm saying to you right now?" The dreadful pit builds in my stomach, "I'm just trying to enjoy the good moments I'm having." He finally looks away from me and leaves me standing in the kitchen.

I was trying to be considerate as to how he is feeling in this situation, and I suppose I couldn't expect him to do something in this very moment. I guess I wanted him to reassure me he'd be careful, or more careful.

The rest of the week in the house was normal but mildly tense, we still did everything as normal but we don't speak as much because I want to scream at him to hear me and stay near me so I can can protect him. But this is his thing, the seedy and dark sides of people were things that he knew well. Maybe he was calm because he knew how to maneuver this kind of thing, but my nerves were constantly getting the best of me.

While he went to work I busied myself with work stuff from New York with the schools and day cares, before I would head to the gun range. Over the course of two months that we were in London, that was my routine. Work, and gun range, it was a relaxing activity and I'd usually try to finish it up before I knew he'd be off work.

But when I walk into the house he's already there, washing his hands in the kitchen sink. "Hey,"

"Evening." I greet wanting to rush past him to get in the shower. "Where are you going without my kiss?" He calls to me and just as quickly I rush to him to get his request fulfilled.

Pecking his lips quickly I turn to get back to my original task before he quickly grips my arm. He inhales me and looks down at me, "Where have you been?" His voice is tense and knowing.

"Out, shopping." I'm quick with my response.

He takes a moment looking at me and then my hands, "Why are you lying to me? I can smell it on you."

"I'm not—"

"Don't lie to my face twice. You know that'll just piss me the fuck off."

"I just went to blow off some steam, it was nothing else. It's not a big deal." I shrug pulling my arm away to get in the shower.

"You disobey every thing I tell you." He's hot on my tail, "Disobey? I'm not your fucking dog."

"You know what I mean Killian." He mumbles on the opposite side of the locked bathroom door as he jiggles the lock. "Open this door, now." I ignore his demands, strip my clothing off and enter the steaming shower to relax the tenseness of my shoulders. Shooting was fun but the toll it took on my body everyday for two months, made my shoulder super tight and my neck sore. My hands felt a little rougher as well, weeks of my instructor forcing me to do nothing but load and reload, arm and disarm, and today before target practice he taught me to completely disable a hand gun.

It's when we've settled into bed that he starts up his interrogation, "What's the name of this instructor?"

"Oakley please don't do this tonight." A soft sigh as I pull the blanket up to get ready to fall asleep. The London apartment had one of the comfiest beds ever, something about the memory foam and cooling bead technology, and all I wanted was to enjoy a goods might rest.

"Since when do you keep shit from me though?" He reasons, his arms crossed as he stood on his side of the bed staring at me.

"I'm not keeping anything from you. You've been working so I've been doing my own thing." My explanation is all it is, because he has been working since coming to London. Not necessarily more than usual but just working so I fill my time how I see fit.

"So your instructor is a guy?" He asks again, and that's the question he wanted to ask me the first time. Smacking my lips I shake my head because I never even looked at the instructor like that, "Yo Killian," He chuckles but neither of us cracked any jokes. "Alright." Oakley mumbles before he gets into bed and turning off the lamp on his bedside table, he's turned his back to me.

"Babe." I touch his shoulder and he shrugs me off, "Goodnight Killian." The tone of his voice was so gruff and cold. Taking a deep breath I turn over to my side and try to fall asleep, but it doesn't come to me and I'm restless. The one night he comes home early I decided to leave the house, and stay out extra late. I'm usually home before him to shower and everything but not this time.

In the morning when I wake up to an empty bed I know he's still upset because today was suppose to be his day off, where he'd usually sleep in with me. Maybe even fool around a little bit, but he was genuinely upset at me going to the range. And he'd just have to continue to be mad about it, because that's exactly where I was on my way to. I grab my duffle bag and an apple on the way out, before kissing his cheek despite his attitude. "See you later."

"Mm." He barely responds, without even looking at me and I just huff before walking out of the door. I turn my location services off as I drive towards the range and when I'm finally inside and doing my warm ups my instructor Leo greets me happily.

"How are you today?" He smiles at me and I shrug, "I'm well." I keep the conversation short because I really wasn't in the mood.

"Okay, well then let's get into it." He seems to pick up on my energy as his face turns into a one sided tight lipped crooked smile. "Breakdown twelve times." He sets a glock 19 in front of me, and cracking my fingers he started the timer and I began disassembling the gun piece by piece. Twelve times as he instructed, and each time my hands ached. My finger tips burned and I felt the callouses building on my palms. At the twelfth one the clock goes off.

"45 seconds, not bad." He shrugs circling me with an upturned frown. "Getting better."

Leo ushers me over to the lanes, and the routine of one hundred shots is done. He makes me shoot fifty times with a single hand, and today he introduced moving targets. That involved so many levels of hand and eye coordination as well as multitasking, and after I started finally hitting fatal points it became fun to practice so by the end of the session I was in better spirits.

"I see you're feeling better." Leo bumps my shoulder, and I give small smile with a shrug.

"You know you're really pretty." He's too close and I step back to put a bit of space between us, before he takes another step closer. I'm backed into some corner and he's breathing on me in ways that are making me extremely uncomfortable. Leo is huge, making it easy to shrink under the shadow of his extremely buff build.

I turn my face to the side and step to the side in an attempt to get out of the position he has me in, Oakley was right. But none of this ever happened until he made a big deal about me at the range, this was the first Leo has ever pulled this. "Leo I'm married." The step was successful but he follows my moves trapping me again.

"Then he should know better. Letting something like you out the house, daily." Leo's eyes wander over my clothed body.
Before I hear shots ring off and as I look around each shot perfectly head shots a target paper that was pre-lined.

I know his footsteps and his eyes tell me I'm free to go, so I quickly rush away picking up my duffle bag and joining him at his side. Oakley holds the gun up to Leo, who's chuckling nervously. "Look mate, she's a tease. Never said she was married."

My heart sank, because I literally just said it. "So you're a rapist and a liar." Oakley mutters as he puts the gun down and hands me the keys to the car. Taking them I exit the building but I wait by the exit, there's thudding, shaking and many things being thrown over. Quickly I walk to the Yuris parked in front and made my way in before he comes out of the building, blood dripping from his hands.

Opening his door I hand him a wet wipe from my bag and he wipes his hands before silently pulling off into the London traffic. I don't have anything to say because if he wasn't there I would dread the outcome. "I'm sorry for keeping it from you." I admit, and he doesn't even respond, just shifts his eyes to look at me and the action makes me feel like a kid who's about to get punished.

His silent treatment literally drove me up a wall because all he'd do is look at me if I spoke to him, just look and blink before walking away. When we get in the house it's still silent and he's yet to acknowledge me. We shower separately and I follow him to the bedroom, sitting next to him on the bed.
He's texting on his phone and doesn't bother to look at me, "I'm sorry." I repeat.

No response. Just continuing to type on his phone, clearing my throat because this was swallowing all of my pride. "I apologize for not listening to you."

Oakley just leans back onto the pillows and turns on the television, "Ugh," I climb into his lap snatching his phone from his hand and holding his face. "Talk to me please." I beg. I hated when he was mad at me, "I love you, I'm sorry."

"What would've happened if I didn't show up?" His voice is scolding and I know I fucked up so I don't have a response. "Were you ready to put him down?" The question seems haunting, because that's not what I go to the range for. It's a fun hobby I'd taken up, nothing more.

"Would. You."

"I don't know." I answer hastily, "I don't know Oakley, and I've said I'm sorry a million times over."

"I've heard your apologies, I accept them. I just don't want to talk at this moment because I don't have anything nice to say. Just give me a few minutes." I'm taken aback but he's communicated his feelings clearly.

"Can I please hug you for those few minutes? I won't talk, just hug." I propose and he looks at me, and it's like a small smile is pulling at the corner of his lips. I snuggle into him wrapping myself around him with my head in his armpit. Holding on for dear life it seemed I listened to his breathing and the television in the background until I got sleepy, falling asleep wrapped around him.

"Bro you're jarring. Everyone knows Angel Gomes is a madness on the field." That's Boone, the cartoon like inflictions of his voice always gives him away.

"Mans skipped past Cole Palmer— wicked work." Oakley says, "My point exactly." Ant mentions. I look down and ensure I'm presentable before I open the door and when I do all heads turn to me, we all just look at each other and blink.

"Told you stupid, you're being too loud." Ant shoves Wadz, and they both begin bickering as Oakley walks up to me, softly pushing me back into the room.

"I need you in here, I'm having a little meeting innit." Rolling my eyes I fold my arms. "A little meeting innit." I mock him.
"You're talking about soccer." I scoff walking away from him and into the closet. I wasn't going to stay stuck in the room, I know Ameena was down for some good food and drinks so I text her and she's insanely quick the a yes.

I freshen up, find something fitted and black, and he watches me as I get ready. "Bro where are you going?"

"I'm literally going out with Ameena."

"You just woke up twenty minutes ago."

"Yeah, and now I have plans." Putting on my earrings, I decide on which Chanel to take out to dinner before doing light makeup to make me look a little more alive.
Deciding to match the sneakers to the bag I grab my jacket and throw it over the black body suit.

"I'll see you later." I kiss his cheek before walking out, "Goodnight." I say to everyone before grabbing his car keys and making my way to dinner with Ameena.

As usual it's the best vibe with Ameena and we don't even have to vent about the guys to have things to talk about. We make plans to go to New York and watch the ballet, we plan another girls trip for our trio and she begins telling me about work and how much crazier her cases are becoming, so crazy they turn her stomach.

"Is that why you haven't been drinking?" I inquire, sometimes the more grotesque the case the worse drinking makes the flashbacks. She's silent for too long as I sip my drink, and my eyes widen.

"Ameena," She looks nervous and like she's about to cry. "Ameena, are you?"

Tears brimming her eyes she nods, "Yeah."

"I can't believe this." I look at her as she wipes her face, "Wait I'm going to be an aunty." She nods, "And there's a little baby bean in there?" I ask, and she nods again.

"Ameena are you lying to me?"

She shakes her head and pulls out her phone, "I feel like you're playing with me. Cut the cameras, deadass." I ramble, because this was not a funny joke. She shows me a recording she took of her taking the pregnancy test in her work bathroom.

"Who knows?"

"You." She mumbles and I gasp. "Not even Anthony?"

"Not even Anthony, this was yesterday." She mentions the video and I am still so shocked, and excited. I wanted to stand at the top of the building and scream to the world I was going to be an aunty.

"I can understand being nervous—"

"Nikki look." I hear an agonizing voice as they've stopped in front of our table, as I look to our right it's Nicole and her friend, the one I made eat the pavement. Weak bitches fucking with the law to make themselves feel better.

"Didn't think you could afford to eat here." Nicole snickers, her jabs were so high school and mean girl that it made beating her ass that much sweeter.

"You're the one literally dressed like the staff. Are you here to put in my drink order?" I match her snarky remark, all in hopes to not put my hands on her again. I didn't want to see the judge about anything.

"Imagine 30 with no child, especially because I of all people knows how much he wanted to be a young dad." She's taunting me and I feel the heat coming through my nose, and my eye began twitching as I look at Ameena.

"No matter what, you don't move." I tell Ameena.

"And you, you're packing on the pounds huh?" She says to Ameena.

"I can see the decay in your nose from your coke addiction. You really should play nice feign." I point out as I look at her carefully, there's powder whiter than she is caked underneath her nose. I've been to many London parties, even worked in clubs I know a Coke head when I see one. Then my phone buzzes,

Hubby:
Need you home now princess.

"Aww, would you look at that. The nigga you want so bad is calling me back home." I fake pout, before quickly flashing my phone shaking it tauntingly, Ameena and I giggle because she gets visibly upset. Redness creeps up her up face; strung out eyes furious and her hand quickly comes towards me throwing her drink on me and my phone. I hastily stand up and with quick jab punched her straight in her mouth out of reflex, and she screams before spitting up a tooth.

"Stop playing with me goofy bitch." Grabbing my purse I take out £200 leaving it on the table as Ameena and I leave. As we stand in the parking lot we clean off my chest and hands with her watered down ass vodka.

"Thank you for defending me. I love you." Ameena hugs me as I walk her to her car.

"I'll always have your back. Congratulations baby, I can't wait to dress it up and stuff. So cute!" I give her a cheeky smile and she gives me the tightest hug I've had in a while. I make sure she drives off and then proceed to head home as requested by Oakley.

She made this city feel unlivable, because it felt like almost anytime I went out I'd see her. She made me understand that murderous rage Oakley previously spoke about, a literal fucking nuisance. Truthfully I hated that she had that much control to make react negatively, but now every time the bitch smiled she'd be reminded of me. Hopefully, this was the lesson she needed to learn since the first one wasn't hard enough.

When I get in the house Oakley darkly looks at me, "Take your clothes off." Without words I follow his orders, to my undergarments and when his eyes instruct me in front of him on my knees that was an easy direction to follow. The living room is dark, he is barely illuminated by the other skyscrapers.

He runs his hands through my straightened hair, bringing my head back to look at him. "Take'm out." His voice is heavy, heavy with lust and if this is him telling me he has forgiven me, I don't mind this form of communication. My hands undo the tie to his shorts, and it's mesmerizing as I gawk in awe of the size. It never ceases to amazing me, measuring at the length on my face I shift uncomfortably as wetness begins to dampen my thighs.

"Watched you shoot today," His buttery voice coaxed me as I stare at the veins along his girthy shaft. They're pulsating, I can't help but to kiss along the shaft. His skin is warm and soft, he's audible with each kiss. "Sss." With his iron clad grip on my hair he gently pulls me back, before he stares into my eyes. "Watching you pull that trigger, just does something." Oakley puts the tip to my lips, looking up at him, all I need is permission and he taunts me.

Smirking slyly, there's a sick dark glint in his eye and I know the sadistic dom wheels are working in head. "Open." There's a rasp to his voice that's so hypnotic that I follow that command. Sticking my tongue out, I open my mouth and all I can think about is the warmness of his skin sliding in and out of my throat.

I know to keep my hands to myself.
I know to follow instructions.

But when he doesn't begin bruising my throat, but jerking off above me I know this was a torture session. He knows my need to feel him, my need for skin to skin with him, and he strips me of that 'privilege' as punishment.

"I want to feel you please." I mention and all he does is laugh at me, "You don't deserve to touch." It's a strained groan as he continues to stroke his member, his shallow breathing lets me know he's been in this need for a while now. A few hours, maybe even since I left or since this morning.

I sigh frustratedly, but all that does is infuriate him because he pulls me up by my hair. "You? You're the one with attitude?" Forcing me in front of the mirror, an involuntary moan slips past my lips because the last time he fucked me in front of a mirror, he had to carry me to the bedroom.

The fabric of my thong ripping, as he gripped my hair tighter. Teasing me by easing his shaft along my slit, "Soaking, and I haven't even touched you yet." The tone in his voice is so patronizing, it is shameful how just his words and eyes have me this wet.

He places nipple clamps on my hardened nipples, pain rushes through my chest but as they sit, that pain feels like the high I'm chase with him right now. The large television switches on, static running through the screen. "You know what happens every time you don't listen right?" He grunts as his tip stretches me with no warning.

He's still in me as the television plays, the scene is set in a room that I know. I know the gray chipped paint and tattered wooden floors, and a stalky built man sits in a chair with a bag over his head. I open my mouth to say anything, but he fills me to the brim emptying my mind of words to form.

A steady pace he builds behind me, as the clip continues to play and my heart begins to race. Except this time, it's not with the fun spontaneous thrill of being naughty with others in the house. This time it was the anxiety of unknown end to this video.
His mind over matter tattoo comes into frame as he pulls the bag off of the person face, and it's Leo. Gasping at the revelation of who's in the video, he thrust get deeper and he grips my hair tightly again.

"O," I whisper, my eyes rolling back as the pressure mounts for me.

"Open those eyes beautiful. You'll miss all the best parts." Gosh, he's such an asshole.
I comply as the camera shows Oakley showing his phone, and it's our sex tape. He smiles into the camera as he watches it.

"I get to do this to her often." He says to Leo taunting him wiggling the phone in his face, Leo's face is so swollen that his eyes are almost shut and he can barely see anything. The audio of the video he's playing is filthy just like what I hear at this very moment.

His pace picks up and it's a pounding so buried all I can do is grip the sides of the mirror. Oakley pulls me back towards his chest by my hair tightly, "He wanted to touch what's mine." His rough voice gritted in my ear.

"B-but I'm only yours." I find the words to utter to him, the words that would please him. The relentless and punishing pounding he's doing makes my whole body feel light.

My toes curl, as every painful feeling on every part of my body turns to raw euphoria. His hand creeps up to my chin holding my head in position to the television, and with my orgasm raining in, that's when I see it. Oakleys hand comes down across his neck with a machete, and Leo's head rolls the moment my orgasm has hit me. Goosebumps surface on my damp skin, and as he's buried deep in me he stares at me through the mirror as my head falls back on his shoulder.

"He wanted to touch what's mine, so I took his head." Kissing my neck, he pulls at the chain that connects the nipple clamps before flipping a switch and the rest of the living room lights up in a dim yellow light not typical of the usual luxury space.

The head....Leo's severed head sat in a clear case on top of a tarp, propped up on a table. I shriek in horror, "Oakley!" I gasp as he drives into me, pushing me into the mirror. His bruised and bloodied face still and unmoving as my body gave away to a second orgasm, so intense my body began to shake. From a mixture of deep fear and insane pleasure, my body reacted horribly to pure evil.

Grabbing my face roughly, he turned my head to the mirror to look at him. Panting heavily from my bliss, fear evident as my eyes still stuck on the severed head in our living room."Look at me, many men will meet his same fate, a few have already." The sinister whisper in my ear set another wave of goose bumps rising to my skin. "You're mine, and don't you ever fucking forget it."
The seriousness of his voice and the dead look in his eye, made me nod. I had no words, just a simple whimper of understanding.

All the pinching feelings, his tip pressed firmly against my cervix, the nipple clamps and the death grip on my hair and face all made my body throb so good. He lets me go and I only have the mirror to hold me up, fixing himself before he picks me up and takes me to the bathroom. Drawing me a warm bath before putting me in the tub.

I don't leave the room for the rest of the night, as he handles business but he holds me as we go to sleep. My eyes are fixated on the bedroom door that would lead to the living room, and despite the shock and horror of what took place tonight, I don't....feel bad for Leo. At first it felt like, this wouldn't have happened if I never went to the range, but it would've never happened if he wasn't a fucking creep.

The next day he takes me to brunch, and I'm relieved that he's talking to me again. He shows me the 3D model of the house, and fills me in on what's done so far and for the large house we're building it seems to be well underway. He has a whole team working around the clock to get it done in a year or less.

"That's a big task babe." I take in all the information he spews to me as if I genuinely understand. I don't understand half of the construction or real estate jargon he used, but he was passionate and excited about it.

"Yeah but my guys will get it done. Thinking of adding one more bedroom." He ponders as he stares at the blue prints, changing the angle multiple times before zooming in and getting to work with redesigning. He made it look easy, and I just watched him in awe. His phone rings, "Cench." It's silent for a moment. "Great."

"We closed on the five bed, five bath on the West End, and the Brooklyn Heights six bedroom five bedroom." He mentions all of the New York properties we've just secured, "Still waiting for the property in blue mountain to clear." He types away on his phone.

Leaning in to kiss his cheek, "I'm ready to go home." I whisper in his ear, and he's quick to get us home. I rub his neck as he drives, he's on about inspections and getting back to New York to furnish the apartments.

"Thank you for going with the non fixer-upper." I retort and he just chuckled, "I like a little project innit." His voice sounds distracted as he looks at all the mirrors.

"Yeah, but we're building already out here. I'd want us to have something easy in the city to just fall into. Atleast while we're here we have your flat or stay at your moms." I reason, the idea of building two homes across the Atlantic was dreadful.

"Anything you want," He mutters staring in his rearview, I follow his actions looking the side mirror and the familiar white and yellow car drops a pit in my stomach.

"Be easy, yeah." He looks at me as the blue lights flash on, "Oakley, what's going on?" I gulp, and instead of answering me he just looks at me before abruptly stepping on the breaks as another car stops in front of us.

"I love you okay." His voice doesn't waver as officers surround the car with guns drawn.

"I-I love you. Can, you tell me please? Oakley...please." There's a frog in my throat it feels like, as the doors flies open, and his hands are up. I'm asked to step out, but he's roughly pulled from the car and thrown against the side of the car.

"Well...well, well. Looks like I finally get to meet The King of The West." That same detective....Tompkins chuckles placing him in cuffs. Oakley just gives him a menacing smirk, one that makes him rethink his slick comment. Pulling out my phone I call the only person this would make sense to.

Blue lights surrounded me and the world felt like it was spinning, my chest was tight as I tried not to cry. My nose burned and my mouth was dry as the phone rang, "Yo-"

"Wadz...they're taking him." I hyperventilate, and all noise in his background stops.

"Where are you?"His voice is stale, I don't know where I am with all the chaos going on so I FaceTime call him and show him the area. "Stay there."

I stand against the car that the cops had the doors wide open to, searching for anything and everything before I snatch his cell phones. I hear footsteps approach me and when I look up Tompkins is in my face, smirking. "Nice to see you again, Ms. Andrade."

"It's Ceasar-Su." I correct him. He was smug and as corrupt as they come. His day to pay would come and I wanted to be there when it ended. I wanted to watch the life drain from his eyes, and probably be the one to make that happen.

"We'll be seeing a lot more of each other." He walks up to me, watching me from head to toe.

"And may every time your eyes land on me, two years is taken off of your pathetic life."

Following the direction in the text message Wadz sent me of where to meet him, I leave Tompkins standing there before I see Oakley on the back of the car and I approach the vehicle with no one supervising him and Tompkins standing by idly I opened the door and kneel down to him pressing my lips to his.

"I love you." I reassure him and he kisses me back and, "Never cry. I love you. Tell Wadz anything he wants to know, go." Pecking my lips he sends me off and I meet Wadz, the ride is silent back to his place and when I enter Ant and Boone are also there. I'm made to recount every detail of his arrest, I tell them about Nicole and detective Tompkins.

Exhausted isn't even the word for how I feel as they drop me back home, and fucking sad. This was my biggest fear, and it was unraveling right before me. I'm trying to keep it together because crying doesn't help anything, but he's there and I'm here with no answers and nothing but uncertainty. I was beginning to panic, and the large penthouse flat began to feel like a match box.

It'd been hours since his arrest, and I didn't hear anything. The anxiety was too much to bear I began to feel ill, my head ached and my stomach cramped. After a cold shower I laid in bed with the phone volume up, waiting for anything. Nothing but text messages and calls from people who couldn't help. Night turned into day and the sick feeling continues to beat me down.

I feel like I could puke at any moment, the stomach pain wouldn't ease up. My chest burns no matter what I do, and when it all became too much I called an uber to Kings College. Even there I was glued to my phone, waiting for anything.

I'm made to pee in a cup and they take my blood, before the doctor comes in and looks at me. "There was an error in the lab, your urine has been misplaced and the test done was inconclusive. Two options, you use the toilet again or hold off on the chemist until I get your blood pregnancy back."

I'm so exhausted I don't even want to have to stop at the pharmacy today, or wait here any longer so I take option two, she's asks my last period. "Few days back." I respond, "Lighter than normal but on time."

"Okay, well then I'm thinking we have a case of stomach virus. Until I get those blood results back where I can see your white blood cell count and the negative test, I want you to hydrate with Pedialyte as needed. Crackers and tea to break any gas."

This was so simple I would've done it anyway, annoyed I took this trip I make the pick ups before heading back to the apartment and settling in. Phone volume on high I end up falling asleep on the couch, and when I wake up it's the next day and I still haven't heard from Oakley.

Two days with no call is a violation of his rights, he atleast gets a call. Or maybe he got it and used it to call someone else. That made me sad, angry and sick all at once as I rushed to the toilet bringing up nothing. Just bile, and the bitterness of the taste chokes me and I'm so disgusted I throw up more. It's like this for hours until the sun rises.

9:30 am hits and my phone rings and I answer it; "Killian speaking." I try to clear my throat.

"Hi I'm calling from Kings College Hospital with your test results. Please confirm your date of birth."

"February 14th, 1995."

"Thank you, so the doctor advised that shit will not be sending medication to the chemists at this time. White blood cell count was normal, your pregnancy test has come back positive." The assistant says and a ringing begins in my ears, time pauses until I hear her repeating my name.

"Mrs. Caesar-Su!" She calls me, "Pardon?" I ask.

"Would you like to come in for a scan later today, there's an opening at 12:30 pm."

"Yes, thank you." I hang up and lean against the wall staring at myself in the bathroom mirror. That sick feeling punching at me again. The ringing in my ears remind me, I'm alone.

What. The. Fuck.

******

Thoughts and concerns?

Okayyyy byeeeeeee.

We should all know that the North of Gaza is under ground invasion, the same areas they told people they would able to come back to. The amount of martyrs piling up in all countries under isre-li bombardment. They are bombing mosque in Lebanon and still killing journalist in Gaza. Starvation, carpet bombing, massacring is all still actively taking place one year and some weeks later. STILL!!!!

Fuck the occupation!
Fuck zionism/t!
Fuck colonialism!

Free Palestine
Free Congo
Free Sudan
Free Cameroon
Free Haiti
Free Puerto Rico
Free Tigray
Free Lebanon
Free Yemen
Free Syria
Free Kenya
Defund Genocide
Give indigenous people back they shit.

Xoxo,
Xstuhcii 💋