**** Chapter Playlist ****

Hometown Glory - Adele
Fire Meet Gasoline - Sia
I Don't Want To Be - Gavin Degraw

Killian Andrade Caesar-Su
Kingston, Jamaica
Early that morning

With the party done and just our close friends back at our rental Oakley and I still wanted some alone time. We stood holding each other on the back balcony that over looked the moon sparkling sea. A steady hum of lovers rock played from the inside as Ant, Ameena, Calvin and Liam mingled.

"Thank you." Is all I can say as he rubs my back.

"For?"

"This. Us. You." I can barely elaborate because it's all so overwhelming, this feeling of love I feel for him. Wrapping my arms around him I squeeze tightly never wanting this to be done, this exact moment of love and bliss made my chest flutter.

"You've made this all worth it." His chest vibrates as he says to me before kissing my forehead.

Lifting my hand I take in my new ring, before looking at him. I'd do anything for him, this Oakley in front of me now is the keeper  of my heart. "I love you O." And I hoped he believed every single word, I hope he knew I wasn't saying it because it sounded nice, but because every fiber in my body wants to only love him.

Holding my face he brings me into a soft yet vehement kiss, his tongue following mine wanting more from each other. Pulling away I frown, "I need that." I slightly slur grabbing his dick through his pants, making him jump lightly before he begins laughing.

"I can clear this whole house in three minutes tops." His mischievous smile makes an appearance and I know all I had to do was say the word, and I'd be bent over a table with my hair being pulled.

"Y-"

"You two would not believe the scene I walk in on—" Ameena damn near falls as she pulls the sliding door back to join us on the balcony, snorting while she laughs Ameena slaps her knee. "Freya full of shame after getting fucked to bits."

Fucked to bits? By who?!

My eyes meet Oakleys and we stand there a bit confused, "Bruv shut up-" He heavy west side accent makes me roll my eyes inwardly, yet I'm relieved because I know how important this moment is for Oakley too and to have all his people around was just as important as having my people around. Wadz walks through the threshold, muscly and he looks equally well rested. Not at all the same person I saw in Egypt, so maybe..just maybe it is working.

Oakley drops my hand and goes to give Walid a dap. "Welcome home." O says as Wadz pulls him into a hug, and they stand there for a moment. "Wouldn't miss this for the world. Congratulations."

It's a beautiful moment to witness, and Ameena reappears with Freya in hand who I'm excited to see because she left the party early. Walking over to her, I hear Wadz call my name and I'm stopped in my tracks because these past few months have been beyond rocky for us.

Turning on my heels I give a small wave, "Can I chat to you?" He inquires, and I look back at Freya who has a hopeful look. I don't want to talk to him, because I'm drunk and just want to be under my man, but I'd do anything for Freya. Including this conversation. Looking back at him I follow him to the corner, I feel watched and as I nestle in the corner with Oakleys eyes are set on mine. A very fixed stare on Wadz and I, and I want to know what he's thinking so badly.

"Congratulations." He says and there's no sass or anything in his tone, his eyes seem sincere and so I give him a small smile nodding. "Thank you. Welcome home."

"Glad to be back-ish." Quickly he looks back to a nervous Freya and pensive Oakley before he turns back to me. "I was wrong, for calling you out of your name...and speaking on your father. It's not an excuse but I wasn't myself, and I harbored a lot of negative feelings towards you, plus other things just allowed the situation to unravel distastefully." The apology seemed sincere and he was right there was no excuse but I see how important our relationship was to Freya.

"Have you apologized to Freya?" Was my first question, because she is the one who deserves the apology and explanation. This means nothing if Freya wasn't being respected as she should be.

"I have. Still work to do there but I have." He nods and I mirror his movements, "What negative feelings?" Was my second question.

Sighing he looks down momentarily before looking at the water. "I hated that I couldn't find you, how does someone just save your life and then just disappear?"

"Just my job." I decided to ease his mind, and even though his question was valid, for people like me in the medical field you don't expect a thank you for every life saved, you're just happy to see a patient recover and check out.

"Yeah, but this wasn't work for you. I remember dying and you wouldn't let me, from time I knew I had to thank you but I couldn't find you. Then you...you presented yourself." His voice hesitates to talk about it, and it's almost gut wrenching to think about because years ago these men were different people to me. "If I could go back in time Killian— everything would be different." Wadz drops his head as he sighs.

"You would've never walked through that alley, but somehow this would still be your conclusion." I can't look at him anymore because deep down inside I would've also like to 'control, alt, delete' the painful and traumatic parts of all of this. "I'm still here because of you and you're still here because of me— so when you walked away from Oakley, and us as a collective it felt like a slap in the face, because we don't leave each other when shit gets tough." He sounds disappointed, hurt by me leaving but how was I suppose to know?

I was hurting and just needed a break, I didn't know I meant that much to him because Wadz never treated more than anything but an...associate really. From the beginning it always felt like he was there but light years away because he was so hands off with me. "I didn't know you felt that way," I begin.

"I don't know what Oakleys told you but behind closed doors there was a lot happening, and as you know dying is very draining." I joked, and he cracks a smile. "I appreciate your openness and honesty about how you felt, and I want you to know the decision to leave was not easy, but I had dreams I was chasing when everything happened and I was tired of putting that on hold."

Wadz nods understandingly, "I'm protective of Cench-"

"Oh I know." I agree on his statement, and it makes him give a tight lipped nod of amusement.

"He is my brother, so when he's hurting he's my responsibility and I felt like him wanting you was hurting him, because he's rather reckless behind you." He admits, and as my eyes flicker up to Oakleys I know the exact recklessness Wadz is mentioning. It's the scariest thing about him. "I've also built this protective nature for you myself because of what you've done for me. Something happening to you...I don't know, it'd be like something happening to Ameena." Awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck, I want to smile at him because he doesn't know how to say what he wants to.

I'd be lying if I said I don't remember. I block it all out, but I remember every part of that night. I remember how cold the water was, and the shock of hitting the freezing water. I was sinking so fast because I couldn't move, and when everything faded to black it was peaceful because then I'd get to see my dad and brother again. I don't know how he got me, and I don't know what made him jump in the get me but when I opened my eyes and he grabbed me just holding me, there was a moment all I needed was Wadz and it felt like he was finally there for me. In that exact moment I just needed him there to be that brother that he was in that moment, I needed that hug him and Ant gave me. It's like he finally saw me, or saw in me what I saw in him that night in the back of the club. It was my fault for stupidly thinking outside of caring about Oakley he would care about me back then, I can't confirm what's different now but his apology was nice and thoughtful.

As he mentions Ameena, I think of Declan and how if he was here, this wouldn't be my reality and as much as I love Oakley and everything I've accomplished I'd give anything to have what everyone else has again. Their sibling, I'm filled with longing and envy because of something out of my control, something I can't fucking fix.

"I know what you mean." I mutter pulling at the bracelet on my hand to distract myself from the dreary mood I've thunk myself into. "My main concern is Freya, she really loves you and I hope you don't take that lightly. She is all I have left and I need her. All I ask is that you don't scare her, don't make her live in this relationship afraid of who you are and what you can do." Looking him in the eye, I needed him to know that I mean every word.

"Who Oakley is to you, Freya is to me. Think about what you'd do for him." Not once did I blink, and my voice didn't waiver or flinch in my statement. No one was going to take Freya Emalyn from me, no one was going to take her from me and live to tell any stories about it. As he looks at me he smiles lightly, before nodding his head. "Understood."

Wadz gives me a pound before Oakley walks over to us putting her arm around my shoulder, smothering me as he holds me in front of his warm body. "You look healthy, refreshed, alive." Oakley says to Wadz pushing his shoulder, they share a boyish laugh before I excuse myself to give them a moment, but I'm not too far out of ear shot as they go into a corner themselves.

"Thank you and the missus for the invite." Wadz says to Oakley, and he scoffs shaking his head.

"How's Switzerland? How do you feel?" Oakley picks his brain, but also a genuine question because I wasn't sure how much they had spoken since he was in treatment. 

"Still have some time to go, but I got your invite in the mail and really couldn't pass up seeing Fey." Glancing over his shoulder, I hid further behind the wall, as he mentioned Freya. I could hear them without seeing and that was enough, I knew my mans voice anywhere. "But I feel good, sleeping through the night. Took up photography to pass the time, can you believe they have mans gardening?"

Oakley erupts into laughter, "You planting and shit?—"

"It's mad, Cench I sell drugs and kill shit. I don't fucking garden." He chuckles, and I roll my eyes at that same mentally and brain cell they all seem to share about their careers. They could easily and rightfully credit themselves as entrepreneurs, instead they are so specific and matter of fact about it, especially amongst each other.

"Can I confide in you something?" Wadz voice drops, so I lean in to ensure I can still hear. I assume O nods because I don't hear anything before Wadz starts again.

"I don't know if I can fix it.." Wadz clears his throat, "My marriage..she, she said she's afraid she'll go to sleep next to me and not wake up. I don't know bro, shit just felt like hell when she said it, then she'll do anything to get away from me, I— I don't know how to fix that."

I'm sad for them, both Wadz and Freya because it has to be painful. To be closely bounded by the heart yet far by distance and the strain of life.

"You love her though right?"

"If someone like me is capable of it, of course."

"Best advice I have is to try. You make a mistake, apologize, mean it and learn from it. I've been around these women long enough to know they wouldn't have signed those papers if they didn't want to. So just make her want to stay."

Oakley was right we all signed those papers because we saw past the situation that was happening at the time. Years of wanting something and finally having even if the circumstances were shitty. "Cench I don't know how. We grew up not wanting this, but money. All I know how to do I make and spend money, that comes easy. This husband shit— seems easy when all you do is work and sit on the couch and ignore everyone." Wadz sounds a tad bitter, and I kind of know what he's talking about. After my dad and brother my mother did the same thing, work, cry, and lash out.

"But you aren't your pops, you've proved that by leaving the house and you made yourself a millionaire by 24. You did that for all of us, and now we reap the benefits of all that hard work. You're not him bro, you're better, you see your wife hurting and you're doing everything to fix it." My heart is swollen with joy and love as I listen to Oakley speak.

His growth is amazing to witness and be apart of, seeing how far he's become as a person is one of my favorite things. "I just hate that I scared her and continue to. I want the old us, but she can barely look at me. Bro she used to love me." Wadz sounds defeated.

"Still does." Oakley mutters, "It may take time for her to come around but she loves you." Reassuring him of what we all can see plain as day. Freya was still madly in love with him, and I guess that's why her hopes of a conversation between Wadz and I was high.

"Hey!" Ameena scares me and I quickly put my hand over my mouth not to make a sound so they'd hear me, or us. Pushing her back she's a drunk giggling mess, "Girl I was being nosey, but what happened when you went up there."

"I'm going to check on my mate yeah," Ameena gets super British when she's drunk, so I nod trying to keep up. "And I'm standing there listening to them go at it, and I think we are going to be aunties."

I can't help but laugh so hard I'm hunched over, holding onto Ameena for support as my stomach cramps. Leave it to Ameena to listen to people have sex, and then to think Ms. Stand on Business No Contact, was fucking the business and breaking the contact. We stumble over to Freya who has a comical pout as she sat between Calvin and Liam, I took a seat on the chair handle while Ameena sat in Freyas lap.

"You know I love you." Ameena swoons over her, kissing her cheek. "Yuck. You sound like your brother." Freya playfully rolls her eyes.

"Well, we do have a type." She nods, and I giggle because Ameena is insane. Clinically and figuratively. "A white man can't do shit for me." But suddenly all eyes are side eyeing me, before the entire room is roaring with laughter.

I pout, "Hey! He's Asian!" Crossing my arms, Liam wraps his arm around my shoulders.

"Mans English genetics said gotcha!" Liam cackled, and it's comical because of all of them he is the one who has more Asian features. You can only tell Oakley is Asian when he makes certain faces, but I love that so they could all just piss off.

Wrapping Liam in a headlock, and playfully landing body shots everyone gathers around us, fake instigating our little joke. "Talk about my man again Li, go ahead."

"His fucking head is flat, and his clothes are getting tight—"And like a good sport Liam continues his jest, and I slide his leg from beneath him and flip and drop him on the floor, and the room fills with Ooo's and laughing.

"Damn son," Ant appears jumping on me, ruffling my hair. "Liam how you let her fucking lay you out?!"

Calvin daps me up while sticking his camera in my face causing me to do a little dance, before panning it to Liam who laid on the floor looking towards the door way of the balcony. "Nah Cench, register her fucking hands." Ant says as I take a seat with my girls.

Oakley walks in, looking delectable and takes a look around at Liam splayed on the floor, Calvin recording a groaning Liam, Ant having his grand reunion with Wadz, and the girls talking to each other on either sides of me. I only have my eyes set on him, and his brown eyes meet mine. "Babe we spoke about that, you can't go around flipping people."

We didn't speak about it, but O swears he's a comedian part time. Everyone looks at me, "He was being mean." I justify.

He proceeds to step over Liam, before taking my hand to sit between Ameena and Freya before pulling me in his lap. "And I bet, she barely even tried." He shakes his head at an amused Liam.

"Sassy," Ameena mutters under her breath.

"Now you lot don't have to leave, but you definitely can't stay here." I elbow him lightly as he looks around, giving everyone the invitation to leave.

"I've heard enough rough housing for tonight, Wadz you're the most sober. Let's go." Everyone seems to form a single file line behind her as they head for the door saying their farewells.

"B-but," I got to object, "You sit down." Oakley grunts in my ears, "Yes, listen to your pupa!" Freya shouts as she walks through the door.

"Tap' e noise!" I holler back to her and her antics. Even though I had no idea about the engagement or the engagement party, I'd say today was a success. Everything was as perfect as could be, and I couldn't be happier and it was because of my man.

Grabbing his face I peck his lips repeatedly, "I love you so much." I squish my cheek against his as I hug him tightly. It all felt like a fever dream, one that was never ending and it was with my favorite person.

"I love you too, let's get ready for bed." I get off of him and the moment he gets up, he demands I take his piggy back ride as he locked up the house, set the security and shut everything down before we were in the master bedroom unwinding for the rest of the day.

It was four in the morning, and by the time we took a shower and laid in the large fluffy bed his hand was placed on my stomach and his thumb was rubbing gently. These past few days he'd do it to put himself to sleep and I don't stop him, because it feels right. Of course I still had all my fears about being gentle, and my dad and Declan but it's something Oakley wants so bad and feeling his love for me makes me feel ready. His love for me pushes those nerves to the side, because even though I could do it alone, I wouldn't want to do it with any one else but him.

"You're the most beautiful person in the world." His sleepy rasp sounds above my head, and I smile at his constant reminders.

"Thank you handsome."

Here I was, married to my favorite person. And he is mine, my person, and I never wanted to sound crazy or obsessive but I'm not letting up off of this one man so there is no where else for him to go, and there is no one else for him, but me. I can't pretend I'm not in love with him, I can't pretend that beginning and ending my days with him haven't been my best days.

He didn't just hear me, he listened to every single thing I wanted. Even passive things I've said, or things I've written down and left around. I would yap about a private engagement because I didn't like attention, but it'd have to be a beautiful scenery, nice and quiet preferably near water. Nothing extravagant, just me and him and he delivered that. I'm just so excited he's home and we can start doing our relationship the right way, and I feel like at this point he does have a good concept of a decent work slash home time.

I went over my contract at work and after this project is over I can pick up a pier diem schedule, still giving me the option to be on the E.R. floor but still keeps me at home enough to fulfill Oakleys want for us to start a family. His head of thick black loose ringlets rested on my breasts, a soft hand laid on my stomach and his body tucked closely into mine he was sleeping already. I enjoy the time dragging my nails across his neck until I fell sleep.

Soft pecks on my lips woke me up before the ticklish feeling trailed down my neck, and my chest. "Wake up. You've been asleep all day." Oakley groans with his soft lips pressed against my stomach.

"Shh." I lightly tap his head, he was making too much noise and my head was pounding from how much I drank the night before. He doesn't say anything but continues to kiss down my stomach, "Okay, okay!! I'm awake!" I was never going to be able to have a productive day if I started my day with him fucking me into oblivion. I wouldn't want to do anything but lay in bed with him all day, and leaving the villa wouldn't be an option.

I push the blanket off his head and his eyes staring up at mine as his lips hovered over my bikini line. "So that means I can't taste?" His voice is eerily low, as his eyes drop from my face to trailing the length of my body.

"Nuh uh." I shake my head, "Or else I'll be in the bed asleep all day. Your mouth is wicked." I smirk running my thumb across his bottom lip before he kissed the palm of my hand.

"I just have a sweet tooth," More kisses all over my thighs, pushing his head away I jump out of the bed. "That's enough of you." Rubbing my eyes until I saw stars I walk to the bathroom to begin my day. I was allowed to prep myself without him under me, and it's only because he was finishing up last minute work stuff as I got ready. We were down to our last two days here, today was strictly for the beach and playing catch up. After having a quick fruit salad for breakfast we head down to the beach and I get into the water the moment we get there.

These weren't luxuries I had in New York or London, warm, clear, blue water so I wanted to take full advantage while we did have the time. Plus I didn't want him to spend insane amounts of money everyday for the day to feel worth it, this simple time with him was perfect enough.

The water rushed a bit behind me and it's Oakley walking up, with a shiver in his step. "You love this water," He looks around like he wants to say 'ghetto' like Nene. The water was not warm as he needed, "Fix your face." I splashed his chest and he sucks in a deep breath through his teeth. If we were in the shower he'd be begging for cold water, but now this is too cold.

Dipping my whole body under the water my hair seemingly repelled the water before sticking to my face. "I can't wait to see you in a tux." I grin at him, "Bout that, maybe—"

"Choose your next words carefully." I give him the side eye, and his face falls flat before he gives me a cheeky smile.

"All black," We say in unison, our eyes growing wide as we look at each other. "Jinx." We stutter out together again, "Double jinx." We repeat against.

"Fuck! Stop it." I gently bump him giggling, and he pushes me as he chuckles and I go flying into the water. A low wave washing over me as I tried to stand tumbling me, when I reach my hand up and feel open air I pull myself up and my hair veiling my face like I was the grudge.

"Damn—" Oakley is so weak, "Yo I'm so sorry." I flip my hair back and he reaches for me and I push his hand off me before I grab his wrist and pull him into a headlock. I dunked his head under the water.

"You're what?" I pulled his hair tighter dunking his head again.

"Sor-" One more dunk for good measure.
"Well I'm hard now." He coughs as he choked on sea water, I release him and turn to run towards the shore because he indeed was going to be petty now. I raise my knees high and try to dash through the water before stumbling into the shore, and he's hot on my heels as I take off running. The one piece bath suit felt constricting as I ran and my chest was tight as I laughed trying to breathe at the same time.

"C'mere." He grunts with his fingertips finally gripping the back of my bathing suit, I yelp as he pulls me back towards him before we both fall to the ground winded and panting. "You've been a fucking little tease all day."

"What? Me?!" Looking up at him, Oakleys biting his lip as he held my hands above my head and trailing his finger slowly between my breasts. The quickened rise and fall of my chest gave away my nerves but I'm so quiet because he's the tease and the tension is not only building between us but between my damn legs.

"You're so fucking perfect." There's a deep richness in his voice, low and gritty that makes me feel ablaze. But there's something hard and warm pressing into my stomach, "Because I'm loved by someone that's perfect for me." I kiss him and I'm the happiest I've ever been, giggling I pulled away as his dick pulsed against my tummy and he smiles at me shamelessly.

"Romantic shit wakes him up-" We both cackle from laughter, I love this with him, I love the sound of his laugh, I love making this memory with him. His weight is no longer on me as he stands tall above me and fixes himself before extending his hand to help me. I accept the offer and he pulls me up before briefly squatting and placing me over his shoulder, we walk back to the villa where we shower and prepare ourselves to visit my mom at her house.

My mom and aunt lived on a little farm out here in Portland. She took pride in the farm that hosted four horses, a small eight chicken coop, four cows, four goats. Her and my aunt kept a potcake dog named Delly, short for Delbert for protection. We stayed on the farm for a few horses helping her with the horses and cows, I hadn't seen my aunt in a while and it was nice to see them together again so we caught up and talked about a wide range of things as we helped.

After an outfit change I slip into a dress and dare Oakley to run around the cow fields with me, when he almost refuses I give his butt a squeeze and take off running. He stutters over his words before he takes off after me, slowing down I hide behind a tan and white spotted cow. "You think you're so slick." Chuckling he stands on the opposite side, there's tension as I try to figure out which way to go. The grass between my toes felt so grounding, and the vibrant deep oranges and pinks in the sky felt warm and I feel transported to my childhood again; running through these same fields winding myself of oxygen then laying out in the rolling fields to begin counting the country stars. The stars were plentiful and so bright out here, it felt as if those Google images of nebulas were right in front of you. The green and cream dress on my body became the white flag I waved between us as I pouted.

"Okay I quit." Smiling I walked around to begin walking to the river to wash my feet, he trailed behind me before I reached my hand out to keep his close to me. He kisses my cheek and we walk to the river where I have to lift the bottom of my dress to ensure I keep my dress dry. The little fishes swam between my feet, and dashed past my toes and little bright green shrubs of plants danced in the rushing water. I hear a little chirp hidden in the rocks and it sounds again, before I see a tiny frog jumping amongst the stones.

"O! Look!" I bunch up the hem of my dress and followed closely behind the jumping amphibian. It's not fast like me and so I grab him, trying to be as gentle as possible. "O look! I caught a froggy!" Rushing to him, he backs away looking concerned. I chant to myself to be gentle like my dad would remind me.

"Wanna hold it?" I ask excitedly, I loved catching lizards and frogs.

"You want me too huh?" He sounds like he's going to throw up, like I have a shrimp head in front of him. I'm amused as he looks queasy, holding the small animal blowing kisses at it I shrug towards him.

"Please?!" If he did I'd be happy for the week, he sticks his hand out slowly and I go to set it down and he pulls away quickly before he dry heaves on the side. I can't hold in the giggle, "Nah, it's nasty man."

"This big scary man is scared of you Naveen." I make kissing noises at the frog before I put it down, then heading back to the stream to wash my hands. I go back to hold Oakleys hand as we walked up to the top of the rolling hills, where the sun is setting deeper. Laying out on the grass I stare upwards at the sky waiting for him to join me and when he does I lay my head on his chest.

"You're beautiful like this." He mutters with his fingers lightly tracing my arm, looking up at him with a questioning gaze he smiles at me. "Beautiful like the sun set, beautiful like the peace of the country side." Oakley is romantic, but I love when his words translate poetically.

The orange cast of the sun shines in his eyes, and they brighten to the most beautiful shade of russet brown. "I love when you speak to me. I love hearing you speak, it's powerful, it's enamoring and eloquent." I watch as his face gets a bit red and he smiles before covering his face.

I only see that smile when we are alone or amongst those he trust, and it always made me feel like I was floating on a cloud. "Come on, let me see." I tease, tickling as I move his hand. "So handsome."

This was the bliss I was in for the rest of our Jamaica trip, I throughly enjoyed every moment of it, even the flight home that he made sure was private. We just enjoy the undivided attention we can devote to each other before we are smacked with work again. The moment we got home I was back to checking emails, and the most urgent and recurrent email and Teams message was about how Dr. Newman was no longer in on the project. They wanted to wait until I got back to have a group meeting in which they went into detail about what happened to Tristan.

My senses were tingling, and I take the news with a stone face and no real feelings towards Tristan because I don't like him, but that doesn't mean I'd wish death or serious injury on him.

I enter the kitchen where Oakley is making dinner, my request was Sunday roast with jerk chicken instead. Watching him with no words, it takes about four whole minutes before he says anything to me. "Can..I help you?"

"Nope just watching," I keep up my unknowing attitude, and knowing Oakley he wouldn't break just because it's me. Years ago I asked him about the girl I worked in the club with, and never got a definite answer. So I sit and watch him make dinner, no phone or anything just staring at him as he moved around the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes later he sighs, as he sets the table and when we began eating he looks at me with a raised brow. "Why do you keep staring at me?"

"What did you do to Tristan?" I finally ask, and just as I expected he had no reaction.

"Who?" He continues to eat, but his fork hit the plate a lot harder than needed and his stare became harsh on me.

"Don't play that game—"

"Eat your food. You asked for it, I made it. So eat." Oakleys quick to dismiss me, and I hate that he can't see my worry is only from a place of concern for his freedom.

"Watch your fucking mouth Oakley. Stop treating me like an idiot, that was not your call to make."

His temper seems to get even shorter, "I don't know about you but I was in Jamaica." Shrugging he continues to eat like organizing for Tristan's home to be burglarized while he was in it was normal. In the whole ordeal he suffered a broken arm, multiple broken ribs, and a concussion.

The staring match that usually takes place when neither of us are willing to back down begins, all I can do is shake my head at him because he was not going to confess and if he did he was going to be a complete robot about it. "A concussion, really? What if it's traced-"

"He could be dead. I don't give a fuck if he lives or dies to be honest, he's lucky I didn't personally take his fucking tongue. Don't chat to me bout' that man at my dinner table." Oakleys voice is deep and full of authority, shutting down any thing else I had to say. That violence was still so chilling to me because I don't personally experience it.

"Your lawyer," Harry told him to stay out of trouble, and out of the way and I can't see how this is staying out of trouble.

"I. Don't. Care.  Pussy should've never opened his mouth about a 'pathetic, know-it-all, try hard little nurse practitioner', so why do you care if he has his arms? Functional lungs or unbroken ribs?" He rants, and I shake my head because of course that's what this was about.

"That was my issue to handle."

"No, you let your self respect get trampled to prove what point? And to who? Because you don't have to work, this is a choice you're choosing to make." I bite the inside of my cheek as he continues to come for me.

"I sit to the side and watch you be unhappy at that job, and whether it's because of that bastard or just the change in scenery, and I as your husband am just suppose to watch you be unhappy?" Shaking his head he gets up picking up his empty plate and walking away from me. "Should've known better than that."

"I need a sense of independence that's not about you and what you can offer me, but instead what I've worked for." I explain how I feel and my outlook, trying to be reasonable.

"So quit," He states with no other option on the job front. The room falls pin quiet, "Quit." His face looks so indifferent as my heart thumps in my chest like a drum. "Or I'm going back to London." My heart jumps into my throat.

"Wh— You deadass right now?"

"I look like I'm fucking joking to you?" Looking at me over his shoulder, he's callous as he leaves me no other options. I'm speechless, because all I want to do is scream and ask him how dare he. It's so quiet as I rack my mind for words that don't further push this situation, because every argument leads to no communication and I can't handle that again.

"I'm sorry...I didn't know you overheard the conversation, but I can't not-"

"Finish your sentence, I dare you. Cause I'm ready to say you can't do shit, but sit in the fucking flat." And despite him not even raising his voice, just the sheer darkness that overtook his eyes made me look away from him.

I hated how fragile he treated me, like I could break at any second. His over protective nature was most times scarier than the situation he was protecting me from. I didn't see Tristan as a threat, because he's like the school bully. Probably so insecure about something internal they pick on others, as a grown man it was pathetic but almost killing this man over words was beyond.

"But we agreed I'd practice for a year before we try O." I'm not regretful for getting off of the birth control, I just wish I saw this attitude coming.

"Give me a fucking break, you never wanted that and my children deserve a full time mother." His words echoed loudly, even though he still doesn't raised his voice and my heart feels crushed in my chest. Those were his feelings so I couldn't argue with that, but his words did hurt my feelings because that was the point of not going through with the other pregnancies. Because I wanted to be ready to be a mother, I wanted to be that gentle person, that warm maternal person and I never felt that back then.

I swallow the tears, remove myself from the table and go to the bathroom where I practice my breathing and hold in the tears. Splashing my face with cold water, I hear the front door slam shut before I just break down sobbing.

I admitted I loved when he spoke to me. All except now.

One step forward.
Three steps backward.

******

Thoughts? Concerns?

And yes you'll get another update on the 28th.

I don't have nothing to say but fuck Israel, they have injured over 4,000+ people in Lebanon many of them children. Fuck Zionist. May they all burn.

Fuck the occupation!
Fuck zionism/t!
Fuck colonialism!

Free Palestine
Free Congo
Free Sudan
Free Cameroon
Free Haiti
Free Puerto Rico
Free Tigray
Free Lebanon
Free Yemen
Free Syria
Free Kenya
Defund Genocide
Give indigenous people back they shit.

Xoxo,
Xstuhcii 💋