Killian Andrade Caesar-Su
Egypt, North Africa
Two days later

Oakley has a gentle grip on my toes as he lays on his stomach while the tattoo artist colors in a section on his back. The skin on my inner lip and under my breast are incredibly raw from the constant poking of the tattoo needle. But I continued to read my book and every once in a while he would squeeze my foot just a bit more, and at the half way point I left going to catch up on some work.

I had to do some telemedicine calls to catch up with the patients in the case study, it was close enough to practicing for me. It was a lot different than the emergency room but if it meant I was away from Dr. Newman for a while I'd do it. It gave me some flexibility in regard to being here with Oakley, and I dreaded going back to London or New York without him. Every time we are apart, the moment we are back together I grow accustomed to him presence and feeling him around.

When I checked the date for my return ticket, it was a week before his birthday and it made me sad to think we'd spend another one of his birthdays apart. His 29th birthday at that. I didn't know what to get him, because he has all the money in the world it seems so I felt like his wedding band would be the perfect gift. He obviously spared no expense on my ring, and I'd give his ring the same treatment. I had to be just as particular as he was.

He texted me to come to the living room and when I walk out there the artist is gone, and Surah is shaking her head as she inspects the large black ink covering the entirety of his upper back. She finally moves out of the way and my name in full gothic lettering is etched permanently into his skin. It feels like the winds been knocked out of me at how grand the piece was, it made his name on my inner lip look like a drop in the ocean.

"Holy shit." I mutter getting closer to him, I look at it closely.

"Lugha." Surah scolds and I nod respecting her wish of me to be mindful of my words.

"Sorry Jedda." She nods before pinching my cheek, and I look down further and its....my eyes. And they look like the ones I'm looking at the tattoo with, and he made my eyelashes look so long and pretty. I could throw up, in like a happy way.

"Oh my gosh," I hold his hand holding it to my face, "Do you like me?" I drag the word me looking up at him with a pout, and he smacks his lips before smiling.

"You're jarring y'know."

"Rude!" I rolled my eyes and walked away from him as Surah was back in the kitchen. He quickly grabs my waist pulling me and I yelp shocked by the swift motion of being moved. But he was just pulling me into a snuggly embrace as he pecked at my neck and cheek.

I'm set on my feet and his arm is wrapped lovingly around my neck, and I just love the way his skin smells because I like the way his armpits smell. It's one of my favorite places to fall asleep, nestled into his warm lean body. "We need to chat yeah," Peeking up at him my anxiety instantly rises, "What about?"

"Relax," Oakley mutters as we walk to the bedroom, where I lay on the bed and lays next to me on his stomach propped on his elbows. "You're leaving soon, just wanted to talk about things these past couple of months." He's holding my left hand fiddling with my ring.

Oakleys mature obviously, it's how he's gotten to where he is today and he's never been childish per se in our relationship but this level of maturity was so attractive. It made me consider his apology a lot more sincere about his absence and not speaking with me. This communication was enticing. "Yeah...yeah, you go first." I offer because I'm still flustered by this all, because this also feels like the type of situation where he'll be asking me questions.

"Firstly, I want to apologize for leaving the way I did, I'm doing everything in my power to ensure you'll never have to experience that again." His words are making my ovaries tingle. "There's an unfortunate method to that madness, what did you do with the note and dvd disc?"

"Broken and burned." I nod, I assumed he wanted no evidence left if he decided to be so secretive with leaving coordinates.

"Good girl." And he means absolutely nothing sexual by it at this time, but those words don't help the flash of heat I feel.

"I also want to apologize for you being wrapped up in the investiga—"

"I didn't say anything Oakley. You can tell your lawyer and you can tell your friends I didn't rat." Crossing my arms I laid back, now visibly annoyed by the trajectory of this conversation.

"I know you aren't that foolish." He retorted, of course I wasn't. Just because he loves me or whatever doesn't stop the fact that he is violent, and if he wasn't going to handle a situation it was no problem for Walid or Anthony to step in and assist. I may have blocked out our earliest interactions but it never left me that Live Yours was a criminal and dangerous organization.

"So why are we talking about this?"

"When it comes to that; your business is my business, let's start there." There's a directness to his tone that informs me he's way past being nice about it. "When it comes to anything pertaining to Live Yours it's my business. So, what did that detective ask you?" Stern and not as warm now, he looks at me and I'm fighting every urge to roll my eyes because he'd get on me about my attitude.

I'm quiet because the little blissful bubble I've been in since being here with him has popped, and our reality is setting back in again. "Just stuff, where you were, just stuff Oakley I don't know. I just know I didn't say anything." I was becoming frustrated and flustered by this, annoyed we couldn't get this over with during the first days of me being here. This is an awfully shitty honeymoon.

"They stormed my old London apartment looking for you, but I burned everything related to the money before hand. I promise," I tried my best to be as reassuring as possible, "I'm sorry if I caused this—"

"We spoke about you and this apology shit right?" Another cold statement from him, and I stop rambling; nodding at this brisk tone.

When I thought back to it, I was so ready to tell my mom about the way I was treated during their search but then she'd know about Oakleys job, and then I'd have to explain it her and beg her not to worry and just a lot more damage than what was worth in the end. She'd be so disappointed in me, and I don't know if she'd look at Oakley the same or even me the same because of certain things I've done. She'd go on about how ever since my dad died I'd become a child of the streets with no moral compass. Scold me about not finding a good church to attend, and judge me that I've damned my soul to eternal hell fire for any violent acts I've committed since knowing this syndicate.

"You didn't eat or drink anything while there?" He asks and I shake my head quickly, "Good job."

"Are we done with this now?" I ask in a hushed tone, my heart feels like it'll drop out of my chest if I don't catch a breath.

It felt like he was asking these questions to settle Wadz' worries, especially after Ameena and I caught that piece of his and Freyas conversation where he accused me of being apart of the reason they may be on the run. "What's up with you? Why are you shutting down on me?" The warmness in his voice seems to have resurfaced.

I know I should tell him about what was m, but I don't want to be the cause of anymore issues between him and Wadz. I couldn't put him in the middle of something and then have him fighting over something that shouldn't matter to me anyways, because I know I didn't say anything. Before I knew it I heard and saw his fingers snapping in my face, "Hello?" I come to and he's looking at me utterly confused.

"I..I don't know, I'm just sad I guess about having to leave soon." I lie to him, so much lying to him.

"Try again." He looks unimpressed by my excuse and I shake my head, "No really, I know it'll be hard to leave you. I'm upset you can't come home with me." I threw my arms around him pulling him close to me, trying not to let the tears open like flood gates.

"I know princess, I'm working on coming back home to you." He softly rubs my back in a soothing manner, and his chest rumbles with his words. The tears were coming, and I know the promise I made myself of never crying in front of him again, but I couldn't help it. Sniffling I felt his chest vibrate as he began chuckling, "Please don't cry." Pulling away he holds my face wiping my tears with his thumbs and pecking my lips.

"I love you." Oakleys voice is so soft to me, before he lays his head in my lap with his arms around my waist. "My family loves you."

That sends a pain through my chest because my dad would love Oakley, if we omitted a few details of course. So would Dex, I know they'd have boys day if everyone's schedule aligned. My future son won't ever know his maternal grandpa or uncle, and that hurt because I'd want him to be surrounded by all the great men in his life.

I told him it was work that kept me from pursuing kids now, but most days I thought about it and it came down to not having my dad there to help me. Or because if he couldn't experience being a grand parent and if Dex couldn't experience being an uncle I shouldn't get to be a mother. My dad was the one who taught me how to be gentle, and soft and caring. What if I didn't have that without him?

"You know my mom loves you." I lightly scratch the soft skin of his neck, he pulls away looking at me. "Surely you have more family than Freya, your mum, and aunt." Genuine confusion on his face, and I stopped to think with nothing coming to mind.

"Not that I know of." I shrug. "It's okay, you're a Caesar-Su now." His smile was big and bright, like he's proud of himself.

"Andrade Caesar-Su." I clarify, I'd never not be an Andrade. That's my dad's last name, and so it's still going to be apart of my name.

"Okay." His mood seems to turn sour quickly, and he puts more space between us.

"What's wrong?"

"Why do you have to always correct it whenever someone addresses you with just my name as if we aren't married?" There's a tilt to his head as he peers down at me. I didn't think it got to him as much as it did for him to mention it to me. Apart of me wanted to make a conscious effort to not do that, but I still feel like Killian Andrade.

"I like the name I was born with. I just got this other one a couple days ago."

"Nah, I'm not joking." He gets up and now he's tall standing over my sitting figure, so I stand on the bed, almost eye level.

"I don't know why you thought I was either." I can feel myself getting hot, I feel there's an argument brewing and I know I should walk away.

"Why do you do that?" He makes this face, like he's annoyed but the type of annoyed that disgusts you.

"What exactly?"

"That!" He points to me, "That stupid masking thing!"

Rearing my head I scoff, "You brush me off when I point certain things out, or you'll make a fucking joke out of a serious conversation.—"

"I do not-"

"Yo, I'm talking!" His voice raises and somehow gets deeper at the same time, where I instantly shut up. "You never let me in beyond who ever the fuck you made yourself into when I left. I know I fucked up okay, I know that; but your attitude about this marriage is fucking awful."

"Awful?" I nod, a condescending frown on my face as I nod my head. "Oh because this whole this has been so perfect, thank you so much. Just amazing! I love that in order to get married you had to go on the run, and that this whole thing is purely convenience for you!" I say bitterly. He must not know I will bite the skin off my inner lip and rip the skin on my ribs off just because.

"Convenience?-"

"That's literally what I just said—" I hated when he asked me about what I just said it was plain as day English.

"Mister oh so traditional," I deepen my voice for dramatic effect, "Where's my traditional engagement? My traditional wedding? My traditional fucking anything?!So now that you mention it, yeah it's awful because you made your fucking lawyer ask me to marry you." By the time I'm done we are both standing there staring and obviously upset.

I know for him it wasn't about the marriage, or his last name, or even me being questioned by detectives; for Oakley it was about us having a baby. As if a baby is going to fix us if some shit is wrong, kids are barely even bandaids for relationship issues.

"This is about me not wanting to talk about having kids.." I nod and he smacks his lips.

"Wrong," He scoffs, and I still nod, "Yeah...yeah that's definitely what it is." I mutter.

"No it's not." He's getting upset, I can tell by his body language. Oakley simply had no poker face when it came to this,

"It is..because we've never had an issue—"

"Okay and so what if it is? What are you so afraid of if we have a kid? We are more than financially stable," I have to stop him.

"And you think that's all there is to having a baby? Money? Oakley you need to be there! Not here, constantly on the run or in prison. I told you stability was something important to me, a two parent house hold was something important to me. I don't want my child raised around this business, you're going to tell me I'm wrong for feeling like this?" I posed the question to him, because if he told me that was fair I'd punch him right in the mouth and turn myself in for domestic violence. I felt like he was being completely selfish on the child topic.

"And what if there is no way out?" He huffs angrily.

Do not dig.
Do not say it.
Do not violate.

I shrug, swallowing the real statement that would ensure we don't talk for a few days, because I hated this, I hated arguing with him over nothing.

"As long as you are on the run, there will be no children. I will not give my child anything less," I clear my throat and step down off of the bed. "And that's that."

"Why because you said so? You're not going to keep walking away from me when I'm speaking to you." He has a purposefully loose grip on my arm, and I look at his hand  and then in his eyes to see who's there at this time.

I pull my elbow away, "Is that the reason you put this ring on my finger? So you can just fuck me full of babies, while I stay at home and keep your bed warm, while you jet set around the world with your boys closing big time deals?"

"You're the one who used the word traditional—"

"Yo bro, please stop fucking playing with me right now." I open and close my hand to crack my bones, counting to ten in my head not to get physical with for playing in my face.

"You know it was my loss too." He says as if to spite me. It felt like a gut punch and the silence that falls over the room, has so much tension in the air it's smothering.

The feeling of sadness that comes over me as our eyes finally meet is indescribable. "On both occasions." And thats what crushes my heart into dust. The occasions....the multiple times where if different choice were made our lives would be completely different now.

"Oakley stop."

"No, you wanted to have this conversation right?" He egged. Shaking my head, I took a step back from him.

"Don't go there." I warn him nicely, we don't talk about it for a reason. In both instances I had to put me first, and of course he'd paint me out to be selfish because of his wants.

"Why not? Hm? Or did you forget that they were mine just as much as they were yours." As I try to look away from him, he chases my gaze and I feel anger more than anything. Because in a perfect world I'd be a mother of two, and Oakley and I would be in something better than this.

"Oh you mean the first one you weren't fucking there for? You don't remember fucking someone else while I was trying to tell you?! Ignoring me? Blocking me? Yeah you robbed yourself of that." I call out his bullshit, because no way would he guilt rip me for choosing myself first.

"You really think I wouldn't take care of my seed?" He always seems so hurt by that, hurt by the fact that I didn't just wait it out to please him and give him time to come around.

"Fuck what I had to think...what you were showing me is that you didn't want anything to do with me." I job his memory.

"And I've apologized." He asks tiredly.

"Oh..." I give a fake stifled chuckled, "An apology doesn't even come close to making us even." I mutter callously. Still never forgetting how he committed to staying through it all the second time, and not doubting for a second he'd be an amazing dad but still so hurt and scarred from moments I tried to put behind that wall.

Oakley seems tired as he looks at me, and I feel drained from this interaction that was never suppose to be this, but I suppose as a married couple the hard conversations needed to be had.

I know this isn't the end of us, but the anger that we both felt during arguments always resulted in us putting space between one another. "I don't want to have the baby conversation again truthfully." He mutters because he's hurt but it's the most relatable thing he's said all day.

"Agreed." My statement follows up quietly.

I leave the room and go to the bathroom, stripping off my clothing I turned the water to the hottest setting to release all the tension I felt in my shoulders. When I was done he went in after me and I got ready for bed. After he finished and checked the condo was locked up, he joins me in bed and we are quiet as nature shows played in the back.

Even if it was rough, I know it was love that kept us. It was us seeing the absolute worse in each other and still choosing each other, knowing that we probably weren't good for each other and still needing each other. Needing each other for the simplest of task, like breathing because each day away from him felt suffocating. Like I was being pulled deeper and deeper into a bottomless ocean, and I didn't know how much longer I could hold my breath. The type that completely consumes you, and I don't know how I got this far, and there's no coming back from something like this. Oakley has all of me.

I ease into his warm body, welcomed by his strong arms that pulled me closer. Lights off and peppermint oil burning, Oakley rubs my back as we mindlessly hold hands and he kisses my hands every few minutes.
"I only want to do this with you." His voice wraps me warmly in a blanket.

Were we perfect? So far from it, but I wasn't looking for anything perfect. I just wanted him, and him alone. I wasn't perfect either but he made me feel that way, the way he saw past all the flaws.

"We'll get through everything one day at a time." Oakley reassures me and it feels like we'll be okay, but I want to be better.

So much better.

**************

I'll give you guys a momentary second to breathe...but I've proven to be unstable so hold onto your hats. This one is kinda short and boring cause this shit that's finna hit yall gone hurt no kizzy.

Thoughts and Concerns?

What's your face CC song? Or do you just think he cute fr?

Anyways,

The IOF has again been targeting areas they've deemed safe zone, and are continually targeting refugee camps. 1.8 million P@lestinians are in central G@za as Raf@h is no long a safe zone. I came across an extremely disturbing image; quite a few coming out of G@za actually of children specifically. I keep asking myself how many men, women and children have to go through this for this all to end.

Fuck the occupation!
Fuck zionism/t!
Fuck colonialism!

Free Palestine
Free Congo
Free Sudan
Free Cameroon
Free Haiti
Free Puerto Rico
Free Tigray
Free Lebanon
Free Yemen
Free Syria
Free Kenya
Defund Genocide
Give indigenous people back they shit.

Xoxo,
Xstuhcii 💋