Chapter playlist

Sevyn Streeter - Taboo

Oakley 'Cench' Caesar-Su
Lusail, Qatar
Three days later

I stood on the veranda of the condo building watching the bright lights of Lusail. The burn in my throat from the pull of the cigarette was enough to let me know I was still here. The phone rang in my pocket, and all I could do is close my eyes and drop my head back on the wall.

I knew who it was, and my chest felt hot every time she called. Every voicemail she left I could hear how tired she was, how she was trying her best to be patient with me. "Princess please." I mutter as if she'd hear me, but the calls weren't helping my mental state. It was killing me to let it ring, but it was way too soon to make contact with her. I did nothing but read contracts, floor plans, and send emails. Ant and Wadz agree I've been extra aggressive and edgy since the move, but I really did not give a fuck.

The sliding door opened and I looked to my right to see Ant walked through the threshold. Going back to the view I take another pull, not interested in whatever either him nor Wadz had to say.

"Boone says your misses tried to off him." Ant breaks the ice before taking a cigarette and lighting it, and I shrugged but really I was proud of her and her violent streak. Her violence was just as alluring and sexy as her innocence.

"Can't lie I don't feel like keeping up this conversation." I barely move my head in his direction as I take another pull.

"You're an absolute dick when you're upset. Petty and uptight, violent and fucking vile." Ant mutters casually, and my feelings weren't hurt not a bit. I shrugged again before picking up the glass of brandy and sipping.

"Cench...all of us had to do it. You falling back into these habits won't change—"

"Save it." I scoff, holding the glass to my lips throwing it back, and following up with a long pull of the cigarette. I crushed it in the ash tray, before dusting my hands off. I hated the way they made my hands smell, but it was the only thing that steadied me enough to have the patience to deal with anything.

This wasn't a friendship it was a brotherhood, so I always put extra thought into how I spoke with those I loved.
If he tried to have the conversation with me, he'd be wasting his breath. The anger and frustration I felt in this very moment, I wouldn't be able to direct accordingly.

"Once we can make contact just explain." Ant tries to reassure me that things with Killian will be okay without saying her name. Like it'd break me. Treating me like a fragile person, which I was far from.

Picking up the pack of cigarettes I pulled out and lit another one, before I looked at him. "There is no explaining. She's never going to forgive me. And I don't blame her." That's the last of anything I had to say to him.

"I left my missus in the middle of wedding planning. How do you think I feel?" He posed me the question, and that's exactly my point.

Whichever officer was looking for me could catch two bullets and I'd be back in my crib comfortable with my lady. All the plans I had with her washed away, and it was the shittiest feeling in the world.

I pulled the velvet box out of my pocket and placed it on the little table that separated us. "Holy shit." Ant seems breathless, like he can't imagine that I want to settle down with someone. The look on his face is almost sad, but it's mixed with excitement. There was no need for the excitement part though, because it'd never happen with the way we left things. Even if we did have to leave, the idea of not explaining to them why we left is the worst feeling ever.

I knew Killian, and what made her tick, and being ignored is one of the many ticks before she went boom. As if on clock work, both our phones began to ring. And his expression turns into desperation, as if he's begging me to talk him out of it. Desperate for me to tell him don't answer, but I don't because then I'd be a hypocrite, because I too want to answer those calls.

"They don't deserve it, but it's our life Oakley." He confesses. "This shit is draining-"

And I couldn't help but to respond once more, "She's the first thing I've wanted as bad as I wanted to have these luxuries." It's my turn to confess, but then after that we are both quiet because when it came to women I was never this vulnerable. I feel weak, and unstable and I fucking loathe it.

Once Ant saw I had completely shut down he sighed, "We will have to leave soon. They'll find us and you know we can't let that happen. It's too risky." He mutters before walking back through the sliding glass door and leaving the condo.

I pulled my phone out willing myself to look past the missed calls, and my finger hovered over my dad's contact. Copying his number I input it into my text now app, after enabling a VPN to change my IP address so the call couldn't be traced as easily.

The phone rang as I held it on speaker, taking another slow drag of the bitter cigarette. She'd kill me if she saw me smoking one of these, curse me out and everything in between. I miss that.

"Is bout time you call me." His accent is heavy on the other line, and it felt like a piece of home.

"Dad...I" I begin, but again the fear of sounding weak stifles my words.

I....Cench, Oakley, who ever I am whenever I am, kill people and feelings are where I draw the line and where it becomes too much for me. I've held a mans severed head, killed his wife and kids. I've gutted a girl, riddled people with bullets and yet this is the one thing that I couldn't do.

"Bugso, talk man." My dad encouraged, and the name bugso made me cringe in a childlike way. It was a childhood nickname he gave me for looking like my mom, whose eyes were bigger than his. He always said it reminded him of a big eyed bug.

"Dad...I messed up...and it's really bad." I dance around the topic, because he would chew me out worse than my mother ever would.

"Talk." His voice was straight to the point, so maybe she told him, maybe she didn't.

"I left, and she keeps calling me. It's killing me pop, I don't know if she's okay- " He stops me, "Don't hang up, mute yourself." He instructs, before the line is quiet.

"Hello?" I hear her, and the pain in my chest spreads to the rest of my body. My love is tired, and I can hear it all in her voice.

"Kills how have you been?" My dad attempts to keep the conversation light, but I can hear her sniffle in the background.

"I'm okay. I'm—uh...I'm okay." She sounds very distracted.

"Killian." My dad says like a father.

"Yeah." She's on the verge of tears, and I want to take the first plane out of this country, to beg her to take me back. "Are you okay?"

"I will be." She clears her throat to swallow her tears, "You're a strong girl, we care about you okay?"

"I know pop."

"You'll come to us if you need anything?" My dad inquires, because he knows she won't, but he doesn't want to invade her space and invite himself. Which if left up to my mum, she was going to do anyway. They just loved her and cared about her, not thing I've ever seen them extend to any other girl I've been with before.

"Yes." She whispers before Ameena voice tells her she has to eat in the background. "I'm not hungry," She says but her voice is far, and then the line picks up Ameena getting frustrated with her.

"You won't eat, you won't fucking sleep. What do I have to do?" Ameena argues with her, "I'm sorry pop, I gotta go. I promise I'll call you later." Quickly coming back to the line she informs my dad, before he holds her momentarily.

"Killian-"

"Yes?"

"We love you. We all love you." He reassures her, "Love you guys too." She replies with a melancholy tone before hanging up.

"So what else can I do for you big man?" My dad says on the other line, he has nothing nice to say right now, and his choice of words were very evident in that.

"Don't do this dad. It's not what I need right now." I practically beg him not to find some smart shit to say to me, it'd only tick me off.

"What did I tell you months ago...months! You cannot take people's girl child and treat them in a careless manner how you have been." He was disappointed in me.

"Neil is that?—" My moms soft voice sounds and I'm relieved so be addressed in a gentle manner.

"O? Where are you?"

"You know I can't say mum." I sigh heavily into the phone.

"Why aren't you responding to Killian honey? She said she's been calling you-"

"Because I can't mum. I am on the run. I can't hear her without wanting to be with her. She's haunting and I don't know...I just don't know. I don't know this feeling." The tightness in my chest returns and I flick the cigarette off the balcony.

Lowering my voice, "Can you give dad the phone please." I instruct my mom, and she tells me she loves me before my dad is back on the line.

"Dad...is...is this how love is suppose to feel?" I can't hold it in any longer.

"And how do you feel son?" Now his tone is understanding, like he knows how I feel. Like he's been in this exact predicament before.

"It hurts." Is all I can muster, because that's literally what it feels like. An emotional pain made physical, and with that change came a fiery feeling. Like I've stuck a branding iron down my own throat, like I've been hit on the motorway and ran over multiple times. "Dad why does it fucking hurt?"

"It will. As long as this is how the situation plays out, it will hurt. You know what would eventually break you? And break you like no other?"

"Hm."

"Watching from the nosebleeds as everything that was meant for you, falls into the hands of another man. She doesn't even have to love him, but his presence there will be enough to change her mind about being alone....and waiting for you. Killian is an amazing woman....amazing women don't come around for men like me or you very often." He lectures, but he's right. "She makes you happy...but do you make her happy?"

Oh shit.
Ouch.

His question is met with my silence, "She brings a light to you I've never witnessed. It's a particular light that only she can bring to you. Why don't you want to keep that peace?"

"I do, it's all I've wanted since I first laid eyes on her." I shamelessly admit, because it was her beauty that hooked me at first; broken nose and all, but her everything else by the time we found her in Wales; even bloodied and bettered.

"All three of you have legitimate legal loop holes, Ants ahead of you lot by a question. Deep it, I have to take your mother out on date night. Love you bugso." He hangs up and his statement rocks me as I look at the ring on the table.

Killian Rubis Andrade
West London, U.K.
Following day

There was a strong knock at the door and I sighed, putting out the blunt before getting up and looking through the peep hole.

Rose.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit.

She knocks again but this time heavier, and more. Parting my hair down, and straightening my clothes I opened the door to be met with her and Neil. And my heart could've dropped through my ass with the harshness of his stare, before Rose pulls me into a tight hug. She kisses me on the cheek and forehead, "I get so worried when you don't answer your phone Kills." Pulling away from me, I squint adjusting my eyes to the setting sun.

Stepping back I allow them in before locking the door and trying to get ahead of them, to quickly clean the mess up. "Excuse the mess." I chuckled uncomfortably, moving the ash tray and three empty bottles  of wine. I grabbed his sweater off the couch and shamefully threw it in the closet.

"Well Neil and I just wanted to check in on you, but you weren't at Oakleys." Rose says first, as she takes a look around and so how they found me here was the question.

"How'd you find me here?" I shift awkwardly. I was currently on my old flat before meeting him, I couldn't stand to be around his things anymore.

"Liam." Rose continues, "Come take seat?" She extends her arm, my hand goes up and I step back. Heat rushes to my face and my nose begins to burn and the feeling is so common these days all I do is put my head down and my tears hit the floor.

I couldn't physically be around them right now, she looks just like him and Neils eyes feel hovering like his. I take a seat on the arm of an arm chair I have in the living room. No more tears fall as I cross my arms, and try to swallow the ball in my throat. I only prayed she wasn't offended by my response, but I was afraid. Of what? I don't even know. So many things.

"We brought you some food." Neil places the food on the coffee table, "Oakley said you like Sunday roast." He pushes the bowl towards me. I can't help the sadness in my smile, it's all I could give.

"Thank you." I nod, and them staring at me felt like the world was crushing in on me. The tears fell and I quickly wiped them away, chuckling uneasily. "I'm sorry."

"You're okay." Neil's voice is fatherly and he reminded me so much of my dad, my dad had a bullshit detector so on point it was like a super power. Neil tends to read me very easily in a paternal way, it was a feeling very familiar that I haven't felt since I was 19.

He talks to them about me and they listen, I don't know what family is anymore. I even had a brother again, two this time. But they weren't mine, they were his and in his absence them filling it was only somewhat reassuring. They were both in good moods, so he has to be safe somewhere.

Deciding to meet them half way, "Anyone spoke to him?" My voice sounds like gravel, and I feel pathetic. Weak, crying over a man who obviously doesn't care to be here or give me an explanation. But he was my person so it stung like lemon and vinegar in an open wound.

Rose goes to open her mouth, "No." Neil interjects, and she momentarily pauses blinking, and then nodding in agreement with Neil.

There's not much else I can say, so they begin walking to the front door. Rose leaves and Neil stands at the door for a moment, "Ne-Pop?" I call him and he looks at me.

The same look from the graduation party, like he can see the pain in I'm. The pain I'm in loving his son, the pain of not being able to move on from him no matter the situation. Because I swear I tried not to cry, but after the first three I couldn't help it. It was the not knowing why he left, or if he was upset with me. It was agonizing pain.

"Yes Killian?"

"Tell him I'm sorry."

With a solemn nod he pulled the door behind him, and I'm left alone again. Locking the door I sat on the couch and the silence rung in my ears, putting my hands under my head I curled into the fetal position on the couch. The tears roll over the bridge of my nose, and begin to puddle in my hand cradling my head.

My mother often did this. Spent her days crying after my dad passed, becoming a shell of herself. The crying turned into sleep.

A heavy knocking and dogs barking woke me up, hazy eyed and a pounding headache disoriented me. The banging continued and I was growing annoyed by the amount of noise coming from my door, it seemed like whoever was there wanted to bust it off the hinges.

I open the door and there's a badge stuck in my face, "Killian Andrade?"

And I give him a look to continue, "How can I help you?"

The older white man pulls out a roll of paper, "We have a warrant to search for Oakley Caesar-Su," He pushed my door open allowing the multiple men to storm
into my apartment.

"Fuck you do, because he doesn't live here." I scoffed as he walked in behind the troop of men when dogs, and guns with lasers at the tip.

There's a look of determination on his face, as he circled me. "Where is he?" The officers whose last name seemed to be Tompkins, asked again holding onto his vest.

After I shrug, he looks at his partner before he scoffs. "Sounds like you're hindering my investigation. Cuff her." The tight feeling on my wrists from the cuffs caused me laugh, because once I called my mom his badge and his pension would be mine.

Her time as a paralegal was beneficial for something. "Haul her to the station, she stays in a room until I'm done here." Tompkins says to his partner, before I'm taken away and put into the back of a fucking cop car.

Before I know it I'm in an interrogation room and hours later Tompkins is walking into the room with a thick folder. Slapping it on the table he sits half his body on the table."You yanks like messing with bad boys across the pond or something?"

"What are you even talking about?" I play dumb, because he's have to prove to knew the ins and outs of what Oakley did for me to be an accomplice. Which I genuinely don't know, and I also have no clue where he is so this is a dead horse to beat.

"Oh you don't know? Your boy toy and others are wanted for assault, and that's the lightest of the charges." Slapping Brittney's photo on the table, and I look at him. My eyes lazily dart between her photo and him face, "Who's that?"

"You tell me."

I look at the photo, "Hmm, well she's a blonde white girl....so your main priority?" My tone inquisitive and sarcastic to get under his skin that way he got under mine. Because even if I did know where Oakley was, there's no way I'd tell him.

"You keep up this wise ass act..."Roughly he pulled a chair out and sat in front of me. "How do you sleep at night knowing you fuck a stone cold serial killer?"

I straighten my posture and looked him dead in the eye, "Since I don't know about any 'serial killings', very...very well." No wavering in my voice.

"Now I don't believe I'm under arrest for anything, so I'm gunna get going." I stand up and dust my hands off, and walk out of the interrogation room. My stoic demeanor set in throughout the police station, and the moment I hail a cab back to my flat I see the damage that's done around the apartment and call Freya and Ameena on three way.

Answering within a few rings, "They're on the fucking run." I blurt out.

*****

By the time I'm back I'll be 24.

Fuck the occupation. Free all them kids locked up for protesting.

Joseph Biden is a bitch.

Fuck the occupation!
Fuck zionism/t!
Fuck colonialism!

Free Palestine
Free Congo
Free Sudan
Free Cameroon
Free Haiti
Free Puerto Rico
Free Tigray
Free Lebanon
Free Yemen
Free Syria
Defund Genocide
Give indigenous people back they shit.

Xoxo,
Xstuhcii 💋