Killian Rubis Andrade
St. Thomas Hospital
London, UK

"Uhhh that's not necessary Meens. The test I took last night was negative." I look between her and Oakley, so he could back me up.

"You got 100 on your test. Let's not do this." Ameena says deadpan, and I take the slightest bit of offense to her tone.

"Oakley?" I look at him so he can speak the fuck up, any other time he can't seem to shut up.

"I'm not the doctor." He finally speaks, sitting back. The man constantly front and center, back seating it now, ridiculous.

"I'm not the doctor." I mock, fuck this. Pulling the blood pressure cuff off, and the oxygen tube in my nose and I go to get off the bed.

Ameena steps in front of me, her arms crossed and a look she's never given me before. "51-fuckin-50" Then pulls her pager from her hip.

The stethoscope around her neck looked so pull-able to move her, "You're the fucking crazy one. What the fuck do I need 51/50 for?!"

"Sit. Down." She's stern, and Oakleys silence wouldn't save me.

"Fine! Do your little ultrasound, and when the both of you see there's nothing there, I want to fucking leave." Looking down, blood stained my legs and I wanted to throw up. "Can I have a moment please?" I sighed frustratingly, my hands begin to shake.

They are both looking at each other wearily, "I'm not going to run, I just need to clean myself. Get out!" I flick my hand towards the door.

Oakley walks towards the door while Ameena pulls garments from the cabinets for me to change, and changed the sheets. Once she closed the door, the panic began to set in.

Tears welled in my eyes and a lump formed in my throat, I wanted to scream. My stomach hurt so bad, and that entire abdominal examination was excruciating. Now was just not the time, I was so close to all I've worked for. I pulled gauze from the stack, wetting it with soap and water I scrubbed the blood from my legs, before going to the bathroom to further clean myself up. Tears streamed down my face as I struggle to hold back the flood gates of tears, the test was negative, I know what I saw. I'm upset with myself, for not being more careful.

Once I was done and draped down I waited for them to come back in, but instead it was an ultrasound tech and Oakley. He took a seat in the corner near the bed, and grabbed my hand. "Whatever happens I got you." Kissing my hand I close my eyes as the tech lifts my shirt, and I feel the cold gel hit my skin.

She pushes the array into my stomach, and the pain radiates across my abdomen. I'm nauseous, and the room feels hot. "Almost done." Moving the array over to the left side of my stomach, I bite my lip to stifle a whimper while she moves the array all across my stomach taking photos.

I feel his lips press on my temple, as a tear rolls down my cheek. She presses a few buttons and then wipes the gel off before leaving the room. The silence consumes us and I feel the same guilt I had when I went through with the abortion. The door opens and Ameena comes in holding my chart, and a dreary energy.

"Killian," She sighs, and I scoff looking up to avoid the tears that threatened to spill. "It's an ectopic pregnancy that's ruptured, we have to get you in for surgery if there's any hope of saving that fallopian tube." Her voice fades out to nothing, and I feel like I'm in bathroom again turning over that positive test.

"Can we just do it." I blurt out, I didn't want to know the details. How it was done, nothing. I wanted it done, and over with. If it meant I would be ready for my interview in a few days, it had to happen.

"Well babe wait," Oakley sits up, "What about the complications, recovery time, details. Can you think about this for a second?"

"If we don't operate she risks sepsis, she'd already be here so we then treat said sepsis. But why treat when we can avoid?" She pulls her ID off. "Fuck the badge, it's Ameena now. Oakley she needs this surgery, and it has to happen like now. If we don't take care of it now it may ruin her chances later." They continue to speak over me as if I'm not here.

What if this was my punishment for the abortion?

Would this happen every time?

"I'll do it." I interject before anyone can say anything else.

"I'll bring the consent forms, they'll come and prep you soon." Ameena pulls me into a hug, and for the first time today I didn't feel like I was talking to Dr. Hassan, but my Mens again.

"I love you." She says before leaving, "I love you too."

My head is tilted back on the bed and my eyes are closed so I don't have to see Oakley, see him give me that look of pity he did anytime something happened to me. My foot begins to shake and my palms are sweaty. The time feels as if it is passing slow as the nurses come in to prep me, and a few minutes later Ameena brings me the forms to sign.

Oakleys large soft hand constantly rubbed my knee, soothing me like he knew it did. I was thankful that he read I wasn't in the mood to hold a conversation, anything he said to me would be enough to cause the water works again. By the time they were wheeling me out of the room, he was walking down the hallway with me just holding my hand.

"This is as far as we can go with her Oakley." They stop before a set of double doors. The nerves are setting in again, because he won't be in there with me which I knew but he was like my blanket, the one thing I always had to have around now.

"I'll be right out here waiting. I'm not going anywhere, Meenas got the best team for you." He holds my face kissing me, like it's the last time he'll ever see me again.

"Okay, I'm okay. I love you."

"I love you too." Oakley reassures before I wave bye and they push me through the double doors.

By the time I'm fully set for the operation my mind is blank, dark and empty. I didn't want anything to remind me of this moment, soon my eyes are heavy and the last thing I see before fading out are large operating room lights trying to blind me.
When I woke up a pain seared through my abdomen, "Hey, hey you're awake. How are you feeling?" Oakleys raspy voice draws my attention, he looks tired, bloodshot eyes and his hair is tousled as if he's been stressing.

A look at outside let me know the day had passed, but the room is filled with flowers and get well balloons. I attempt to sit up, "Just try to relax. Are you hungry? Are you in pain? What do you need?" His questions came like a session of rapid fire.

"O, I'm fine." I take a further look around there's a pile of belongings near the door, and I point towards it.

"Uhm?"

"My mum and pop. They were worried, when neither of us answered our phones. Ameena told them your appendix ruptured, and so that's the story from here on out." He muttered, and they came into the room holding drinks.

Pushing past the pain I sit up, even as Oakley sighs in protest as I try to make myself presentable. "Whew, thank heavens you're awake. How are you?" Rose rushes to my side, and I smile at her caring nature, and Neil pats my shoulder.

"Just a little sore." I lie.

I'm miserable, and I want to cry. Not that crying would fix anything but that's just all I wanted to do. Preferably in a dark room, alone. I was so lucky to have people like Rose and Neil to rush to my side when my mom couldn't be here, but I was used to facing things alone. After my dad and Declan died and I left home, I never had someone, yet a group of people want to be there for me. For my achievements, big milestones, or when things weren't so good. Isolation usually solved all my problems before.

This amount of attention and compassion was going to be a lot to get used to again. If I didn't get acclimated with people, places, or things, losses would hurt less. Now moving this fast with Oakley, I was beginning to panic. It's what I wanted but it always slipped my mind that being with him didn't just come with him. It came with a family, obtained and created, something that was foreign to me now.

Rose is giving me a knowing look, and I can't escape her heavy gaze before she turns to the boys and clears her throat. "Neil take Oakley home to get cleaned up, I'll keep her company until you come back."

"I'm not leaving." Oakley says easing back into the chair, his hand clung onto mine as our pointer fingers looped together.

"I'll be okay. Get some rest please." I reassure him, with both Neil and Oakley gone, it'd only be one person left to be free of. I could deal with one, but all three death stare Caesar-Su's stifle me with anxiety.

Oakley only shakes his head, "I'm good. We came here together, we leave together."

"Ma, can you get me some ice please?" I ask Rose, and she looks at Neil before they head towards the door. "Oakley please." I stress, rubbing my forehead.

"I said I'm not leaving—"

"But you need rest. I'm not in any pain, your mom is here. I'll be fine." Slowly he shifts his eyes to me, still extremely red and low he blinks a few times.

"I wasn't there the last time- you need me now, and I'm going to be here." His voice was tired, but I could feel his energy was low.

"If you want anyone to believe the appendix story you have to go home and get rest. You're here now, that's what matters." I gulp down the emotions I want to let flow, because they'd be back in the room soon.

"Do you really want me to leave?" He asks me sheepishly, he's looking at me so gently, I don't feel the tears well in my eyes but it runs down my cheek. "No." I manage to choke out, because as much as I loved Rose she wasn't Oakley. Thats who I wanted the most.

I scoot over and he eased into the bed with me, curling into him he holds me. Even after the gym and sitting here all day I still loved the way he smelled, he held me tightly and it felt like I could sleep in any second.
He could easily say I told you so at this very moment, but he wouldn't. Oakley was just there, like he always promised he would be.

"Get some rest princess." His voice is soft, and like he casted a spell I get sleepy smelling him. 

"Took a whil-" Rose says as she enters the room but stopped once she saw our position. Legs entangled, arms wrapped around each other, and me wanting to live in his skin. As I lay on his chest, it rumbled as he speaks to them as I'm in and out of sleep.

I wake up to Ameenas voice, "No full on solids for the next two to three days. Apple sauces and broths. I'll check her stitch if alls good, I have her discharge papers ready."

"Can you guys stop talking about me?" I give a stiff chuckle to let them know I was awake.

"Good you're awake, let's look at your stitch." Ameena smiles, and moves my gown. The stitch was still in tact, and I was still super sore, but I'd do anything to get out of the hospital at this point. "Stitch looks and feel fine, you should be fully healed in four weeks time."

Oakley eased off the bed and was wearing different clothing, and smelled like fresh soap. "Pops brought us some clothes last night. Come on, let's get you home." I stood up carefully, and he helped me out of the gown and slipped my shirt over my head, before helping me put on my sweatpants.

By the time I was done getting dressed, Ameena was back with my discharge papers and we were on our way home. Ameena still had a shift to work, but she said she would come over after she got off to check on me.
Oakley wasted no time getting us back to the apartment, and when we got in the first thing we did was shower together.

He carefully washed my body, and I felt shy about it all because I'd never had to have someone do this for me. Constantly being alone made me so do it myself, I did fight him a little on helping me. I could do everything except wash my legs, and he knew how important it was for me to wash between my toes every single time.

I watch him as he separates my toes cleaning just how I would, "Oakley."

"Hm?" He responds but his focus is still on cleaning my feet. I freeze up because all I want to do is tell him thank you, thank you for being here. I couldn't imagine losing him, or him not being here. "That tickles." I bend my toes, coming up with a lie so we wouldn't have to face what just happened to us.

This was a loss for him just as much as it was a loss for me, and I wanted to be there for him too. He was honestly being strong enough for the both of us, and I don't know how I'd pay him back for all he's doing but I'd have to find a way to.

Once our shower was done, he dressed me again and left me in the bed to go grab us something to eat and drink. I scrolled to find The Lion King, and waited for him to come back to start it. When he finally came back with Mango Apple sauce, and a bowl of cereal for himself we got cozy in bed and started the movie.

It was one of my favorite soundtracks and plots ever, "Scars kinda...." I mumble, because realistically there's no reason a lion should be that good looking. And Kovu in the sequel, just wow.

"Kinda what?" Oakley crunches on his cookie crisps, "Go on." One eyebrow raised, in a knowing way. According to him we can no longer watch Prince of Egypt, Hercules or Tarzan.

"I mean he's just kinda fine. Just an observation." I shrug, eating a spoon full of mango applesauce.

"You're sick in the head. Mans is an animal, literally." Shaking his head, he scuffs in a joking manner. "So I have to ban this movie too?"

"No." I answer quickly, it's be the first Disney movie our child ever watched so it couldn't be banned.

"Has to be the theme of our son's first birthday, I have it planned and every-" I stop, catching myself in what I just said. His mood dropped and his shoulders were low, shifting his eyes back to the movie and I cursed myself. "I'm sorry. I just—, it was stupid never mind." I stuff my mouth with apple sauce to shut up.

We both fall back into silence as we watch the movie, and we were finally up to the part where Scar threw Mufasa off the cliff. This part itself was like a scary movie to me, watching Scar be so evil was like watching Jigsaw ride in on his tricycle. As the herd of wildebeest trampled over him, I gasped and tears began to fall. Same part every year for twenty eight years, it always managed to make me cry. "Princess you're not serious."

Pouting I wipe my tears and look at him, "It's just so sad like, he did that for no reason. Like that's your brother.—" Simba approaches Mufasa crying begging him to wake up, and I lose my shit.

"Oh God, Simba baby it's okay!" I wail, that scene was a heart tugger. Did it to me every time, because no parent should go before their child. Looking to Oakley, I giggle at his face and the expression it had. He stared at me in confusion, amusement, and worry.

"This is a mad ting, there's something off up there you know." He points to my head, referring to my emotional outburst from a cartoon.

"Shut up." I playfully hit his arm, and he smiles beautifully at me that I can't help but want to melt into him like butter on warm pancakes. He noticed me staring and pulls me close, smelling me and smothering me in kisses. When he's done with his love bombing, I'm still stuck in a trance staring at my knight in shining armor. Pushing his half curls behind his ear and twirling random pieces around my finger I couldn't not talk about the obvious.

"Thank you." Was all I could muster though, because everything else was too direct when this Thank you was for everything. For the being there, the taking care of me, and just for being my person.

"Till death due us part, or whatever they say." We intertwine our left hands, and I cackled obnoxiously till my stitches hurt at his corniness. The mood quickly turns somber again as I see his eyes staring at my stomach.

"I'm sorry I couldn't —"

"Don't. Please." His answer is curt and straight to the point, and his jaw clenches. This whole situation was triggering for him obviously, and it made me feel like shit to think about how stressed he must've been.

"I didn't mean to." My fingernails became more interesting than the movie, and I felt dumb trying to talk about it with him when he's clearly not ready to.

The end of the movie is nearing and he takes a deep breath, "I thought I lost you again. That...that scared me? I hate seeing you like that, it gives me the sickest feeling in the world. I don't ever know how to help you, I can't take that pain away from you and I hate feeling useless to you."

He felt useless? How could he ever? Me crying about that would not make him feel better, but of course the tears flowed. The extra surge of hormones weren't helping either.

"You're so nice to me." Sniffling I wipe my face, "When you cry like that it makes my dick hard." Oakley shamelessly confesses.
He pauses like he didn't realize he said it out loud, and it's the cutest look of shock I'd ever seen.

Heat rushed to my cheeks, "Mind your manners young man."

I love how he was able to take my mind off of anything, and everything. I don't want to be upset about the emails anymore, the same opportunity but better was offered to me this time around. My feelings were hurt but I couldn't hold onto that forever, but that moment of anger is so minor compared to the love I feel for him everyday.

This was now making me dread him going back to work in a few days, and me going back to New York in a week and a half. We wouldn't see each other, so we wouldn't in be contact as much. Without him being the best distraction, I don't know how I was going to cope. Fear creeps through me now because it's only inevitable, and the separation anxiety I get after leaving Oakley crippled me.

Now that I was here, I didn't want to be without him. Not even for a day.

*****

Okay alright.

Ruby Bridges is 69 y'all. So do with that information what you will. Think about how old ya grandparents are, or if you have older parents how old your parents are.

Equally as important,
Fuck the occupation! They've begun bombing the Rafah Border Crossing, in Egypt. A place they've told hundreds of thousands of people was a safe place to be.

Free Palestine
Free Congo
Free Sudan
Free Haiti
Free Puerto Rico
Free Tigray
Free Lebanon
Free Yemen
Defund Genocide
Give indigenous people back they shit.
Black history IS history.

Xoxo,
Xstuhcii 💋