A/N: AS WE DISCUSSED THE FACE CLAIM FOR KILLIAN DOES NOT HAVE HETEROCHROMIA OR THE WHITE PATCHES IN HER HAIR AND IT WORKS BECAUSE 'KILLIAN' PREFERS TO HIDE THOSE THINGS

Also Cenchs  lazy eye >>>>>>>>>>>>>
** fans self ** ughhhhh such a lil sweet face.

Oakley 'Cench' Caesar- Su
Ouarzazate, Morocco

I watched her from the window. Things about her changed drastically in the past two years. Worst part is she changed all the things I loved about her. Killian wore dark contact lenses, her hair was all jet black again, and she had lost a considerable amount of weight. Same as anytime she went AWOL.

She glowed though, a radiance I'd only seen once or twice. The bullet between my fingers slipped through and through easily as I twirled it around. Looking down at it, the letters K.R.A carefully etched into the side. Her time was almost up, and I prayed I wouldn't have to use this bullet.

From the window I saw Wadz pull her aside to talk, it was dark only illuminated by the fire pit in the middle of the party and little gas lanterns. I decided against interrupting, because knowing Wadz we would argue.

He's made it very clear that right now, he wasn't fucking with her. I hated that my best friend and brother felt that way about my girl, but those were his feelings. I however made it clear that he could feel how he felt, but he wasn't going to disrespect her. In any capacity. They had some weird connection through saving each other that I never understood before, but over time hearing him talk about it made more sense.

We've all had I close encounters with death within the group, but Wadz was the exception. He did die, and he remembers it all vividly.

One night about a year ago we all got drunk, and started sharing old stories of the past and Ant asked him what dying was like.

To him he said that night he knew he wasn't going to make it, because the back door he left out of nobody else ever used. He said it was cold and all he could hear was his mother crying out for God to have mercy on his soul. He remembers repeating his Shahada the entire time, the shear panic that filled Killian when she realized he was bleeding from his neck. Dead friends and relatives stood at the end of a light waiting for him, but with every chest compression Killian performed it's like he was glitching. However it was the most at peace he's ever felt, but at the same time he was grateful to be brought back. Apparently she screamed at the ambulance workers, and was ready to get in the ambulance with him but they wouldn't allow her to. Wadz told us he vowed to find Killian again,and thank her just not under those circumstances so when that's how she presented herself to us he was indifferent and things got complicated quickly.

I'd find out the nature of the conversation sooner than later.

The night went on with her sticking close to the girls, and by the time I rejoined them Wadz had a stone look on his face every time he looked at Killian. The party continued with food, tea, dancing, and music.

"Habibti you must eat." Wadz mom approached with two lamb brochettes. I wasn't going to tell her I wasn't hungry, because that was disrespectful. I'd gotten my fair share of slaps from Ommi, for not eating or praying at the table.

"Thank you." She ruffles my hair before walking off to offer the rest of the crowd food.

My favorite smell lingered in my nose, she sat to my right with her hand on my knee.
Then she rest her chin on my shoulder, "You haven't been eating." She whispers in my ear, rubbing my back.

"Neither have you." I quip back, as I gave her a skewer lined with lamb. Eating mine, she took a bite of hers and handed it back to me.

"You look different." I waved my hand to her face and body taking a moment to admire he curly hair and tanner skin complexion.

My beautiful princess.

"Yea well most of my dinners included study packets not actual food." She confesses, and that alone let me know I'd be disappointed with our catch up session later on tonight.

"Yo, we out." Wadz called to us, we get up and walk out to the front of his family property where the immediate family gathered out front.

Ommi came to Killian and I, giving us both a kiss on the cheek before she went back into the party. "Six hour ride back so pack in." A2 says as we all pile into the mini bus.

Once the group was on the bus we settled in, everyone sat in pairs with Boone sitting passenger near the driver. Killian and I sat in the back, and two hours into the ride she was cold asleep. Her head was on my lap as the ride became a little bumpy, I held her body still for her comfort. Then a little over three hours later we pulled into the hotel in Casablanca.

I nudged her and she woke up but once we exited the bus, I carried her inside the hotel. We had checked in earlier, so we all had our keys to go to our rooms. We said our farewells and I retreated to my room with Killian in my arms.

Once in the room I locked the door, and she finally stood on her own two feet. We both took our showers and by the time I finished mine she was up on her phone, a pinging sound would play every time she tapped a choice.

I laid down not bothering her because she was in a zone, I could tell by the way she was biting her cheek. "Fuck, two wrong." She huffs, pitching her phone to the bottom of the bed.

"Anyways," She sighed before moving next to me, kissing me quickly and climbing into my lap. "I've missed you." I confess.

"I'm here now." She says looking in my eyes, and those dark brown contacts gone so I could see the real her. The her that I fell in love with the night I found her in Wales.

I take a moment to take in her new look now that her face is bare, there's a small fine line heart tattooed on her face, a piercing on her cupids bow and her face has slimmed down a bit.

"You look different." The comment flew out like water, and not because I didn't like her new look. It was just different to see her like this, because this wasn't the Killian I knew. Taking a look further down, she had a full arm sleeve now.

She had gone full masochist, "I needed to feel something."

"I was a call away." I respond, being alone wasn't something she needed to do. I was there, and I'm all she needs and she still didn't call me.

"I'm grown-"

"Yes but you're my woman, it's my job to take care of you. Be there for you, support you, on every level." I explained, it was important for me to be there for her because I never got the chase to do it before. Things needed to be right this time around.

"I'm graduating with no debt because of you, you wouldn't allow me to work during school, bought all of my school supplies, and wrote me back. I'm so grateful for that." She held my face, "I felt taken care of, I felt like you were supporting me. Please stop thinking you weren't." Her reassurance soothed me to some extent, but honestly I still didn't understand why she needed to be away from everyone.

There were stipulations I set to her going to school. I would fully pay for it, she had to keep good grades and she had to inform me anytime she needed something extra. I didn't want her working if she was going to school, because that was genuinely a distraction. I wanted her to succeed, and she definitely did. I couldn't be more proud of her, and when we got back home I planned on showing that to her.

"I always keep my promises, you know that. I told you I was coming back to you, because it's only you Oakley." Killians lips meet mine, and my arms wrap around her pulling her closer to me.

I believed her whenever said it was only me,  because it was only her for me. She kissed me with so much passion and need, I could tell she was frustrated because God knows I was bursting at the seams just from looking at her.

The taste of her lips I yearned for so badly, it was all sending me into a frenzy. "Only me?" I pull away asking, knowing the answer but I needed to hear her say it again. Those words from her mouth always did things to me, things only Killian could do.

"Mhm." She nodded glassy eyed and in heat, "So tell me," I trail kisses along her neck line and shoulders, and she shivers, "Tell me what you did when you thought of me."

Her face gets a deep shade of red, she covers her face with her hands and I can't help but chuckle. "Don't get shy now. Cause I have the evidence in my phone!" I poke her sides and she flinched because she's ticklish. Every couple of weeks the only voice note she'd send was one with heavy breathing, and the most indecent wet sounds, all while she moaned my name.

"Oh my gosh please don't." Killian nuzzles her face into my neck, "Tell me." I tickle her again, and she shrieks and jumps laughing as I continue to tickle her abdomen. She falls over onto the bed and is laughing so hard she snorts, and all in the same breath trying to stop my hands from tickling her.

"Oakley! Stop—please!" She a giggling mess and her smile is wide, as her hair sprawled out around her. It's the most perfect angelic moment I've ever had to pleasure of witnessing, and for the first time in 763 days I feel so warm on the inside.

My fingers still worked at tickling her, and by now tears were streaming down her face. "Pee! I'm going to pee! P-Please." Her reddened face turning away from me, she hurled herself off the bed and dropped with a thud. She begins to hiccup and then groans.

"Fuck you dude."

"I mean that's what I'm waiting for." I joke back and she shoots this dagger like look at me.

"I don't-" She's interrupted by a hiccup, "Think you deserve it." Rushing to get the words out before another hiccup takes over. As she sits up, she begins pulling thread out of the robe, placed it in her mouth and then stuck it to her forehead.

In a moments time her hiccups were gone, "I'm a genius." Killian gloats taking off the string and joined me back on the bed. In her neck of the woods apparently a string on the forehead of someone who had hiccups would clear it up.

"My little genius." I reassure her, rubbing her thighs. As I'm massaging her she feels more toned and cut than usual the higher I went past her shorts, it's a weird feeling and I guess I wasn't very good at hiding my expression.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She begins to pull her legs away, "Nothing, I'm just not used to you this small." 

Killians expression turns sour, and I can feel the oncoming aggression brewing in her. "I didn't mean it—" I'm able to get a better look at the tops of her thighs and there's small healed circular scars scattered about.

My eyes slowly rise to her face, and she looks guilty and...ashamed. She pushes my hands off and pulls down her shorts to cover the scars. "Explain this."

She wouldn't open her mouth to speak, but she just looked at me with this blank stare. "Now." I pressured her, because now it felt like I couldn't trust her to be alone.

"I— I don't know Cench." That fucking name.

"You are really testing my fucking patience, and I'm not going to give you another chance to explain before I start assuming shit. I know every inch of your fucking body and that wasn't there in New York." The guilty look was getting stronger, and it was only upsetting me more that she wasn't saying anything.

"Are you mad at me?" This time her voice is small, like she's afraid I'd yell at her.

"Yes I'm mad! What kind of fucking question is that? I'm mad because this was the shit you were doing while your writing telling me everything is great." I held my hands over the scars, looking at them in disbelief that she'd be hurting herself, and all the reassurance she gave me earlier flew out the window.

"I was here the whole time baby, why wouldn't you just come home? The tattoos and piercings I can accept, this?" I point at the scars, "We're not doing this." She held her head down, so I lifted her chin to look at me.

"Do you understand? I better not catch yo-"

"I understand okay! It only happened a couple of times." She attempted to smooth over the argument, trying to redirect the conversation and I wasn't going to let it happen.

"When?" She goes quiet again, my grip on her chin tightens. "I asked you a question."

Killians eyes filled with sadness,"On our birthdays. Especially mine, it was just for a reminder that I was still here. You know, that I made it across that finish line again." Her voice was so hopeful that I wouldn't read between the lines, shaking my head I sighed leaning my forehead against hers.

"Talk to me. Please." I begged, "What's going on princess." As I said her name her body instantly relaxed in my arms.

"I lied to you. And I feel like shit about it." I drew back from her and my brow was raised, waiting for her to explain herself. I didn't like the word lie and her in the same sentence, it gave me an unsettling feeling.

"I asked for that time because...." There's a pregnant pause, and my heart is racing too many miles a minute. "I needed a break from it all. School kept me focused on not being pulled back into this."

I was livid for sure, and mainly for the relationship I thought we were suppose to be building, but for the friendship Ameena thought she was losing. You'd think her and Ameena were together the way she would cry at the simplest thoughts or mentions of anything Killian related.

"I needed you guys more than I thought I would I guess. I didn't mean to shut you out," I get up and walk away from her because I'm so angry, it felt like steam billowed out of my ears. "I was tired, scared, overwhelmed. I just needed a moment." She closely follows behind me as I make my way to the sitting area of the room.

Reaching for my hand I pull away from her and she sighs deeply, "I know your upset, I know Ameenas upset, Wadz is upset. I fucked up, can you let me make it right?" She grabs my hand again, and this time holds it tightly.

"You're making all these excuses to not be around. Wadz was right— you don't give a fuck." I scoffed, because this is what he had been telling me all along. That school didn't justify disconnecting from us like that, and I was so wrapped up in her excelling I didn't see what he meant.

"I was always going to come home, I just needed to think Oakley. I just needed a moment to think without all the extra stuff, I don't know if you remember but I was thrown from a ten foot landing into the fucking Hudson!" She exclaimed, before taking a step closer to me. I stepped back, and she only got closer.

"Maybe I was a little selfish—"

"A little?"

"I had to be! For 19 months I let this organization bait me, use me, and turn my life upside down. I let you play with me! I played each one of your games and putting me first is where you draw the line?" Her tone was laced with disbelief.

No matter how dicey things got, family never left each other. She was the family I began to create, the other half to the family I wanted to build and she was keeping things from me.

"You couldn't even tell me you loved me, and now I'm the bad guy?"

"You said that had nothing to do with that," My response was quick, because I vividly remember asking her if that's why she wanted to go back to school and she said no.

"But why couldn't you just say it?" She has the slightest pout to her full lips, and now I feel guilty because I should've just said it and then maybe she would've picked a program in London, then she wouldn't have been alone, and then there would be no need to hurt herself. But it was something we could've fixed over the two years, I know it.

"Because I feel it. What else?"

Fucking hell. It's just three words, say it and move on.

"So why did I need to stay around if you can't give me something as simple as that? I give you everything and you can't even spare me three words? I was patient with you up until, I listened to your every command, and all I asked is for you to say you love me and even after two years you can't." She has a single tear that falls out of her eye before she quickly wiped it away, and walks away from me.

I hear her rustling around the room but I don't move, because she left us...she left me knowing how much I wanted us to fix things. All because she wanted a break...I fixed everything and she still wanted a break.

The door opened and closed and then silence rung in my ears, as usual she left again.

Let the chaos ensue.

*******

No smooth sailing 😂😂

Two years later and they are both still extremely emotionally unavailable.

Welp, anyways how are yall?

Kinda exhausted.

Xoxo,
Xstuhcii 💋