I hop into the car and Hayley begins to drive. Have I ever told you what Hayley is like as a driver? No? Well, I think it's about time that I do.

She is awful.

Well, I mean she can't be that bad obviously because she passed her test, but seriously, I counted six sudden breaks in the last ten minutes; and I'm not going to lie but every single one of them scared the shit out of me.

"Hayley I swear if you do that one more time I'm going to kill you."

She laughs at my meaningless threat although it seems to work as she refrains from the insanely irritating action. She does it purposefully and that's what's annoying about it. "Should I press the buzzer?" Eleanor asks as we park outside Sophia's apartment building.

"Either that or text her." Hayles adds. Danielle decides to go and press the correct apartment buzzer before coming back and sitting with Eleanor in the back seat. Not long after a slim, tanned and incredibly pretty girl walks out wearing a cute elegantly-figure-hugging black dress and a long coffee coloured coat with some black heels.

She looks really lovely, and if these guys are friends with her then I'm sure we'll get along just fine. "Hello," she greets everyone as she gets into the car.

"Hey Sophia!" Hayley smiles and glances in her rear view mirror, her eyes alight with joy and excitement. Hayley really loves shopping.

"Hey! So where are we going shopping?" Sophia asks behind me. From the small and quiet rustling I presume she is placing her bag neatly onto her lap.

"Well we were thinking about going to Covent Garden first, then maybe down Long Acre Road and then to Oxford Street." Danielle lists using her long manicured fingers.

"Oh cool, sounds fun!" Sophia concludes as we drive the short journey to Covent Garden, I absolutely love it there. The minute you step into the market there is this burst of life, everyone smiling and laughing, there are street entertainers and men on stilts that grab your attention as you walk by. It reminds me a lot of what London would have been like in the nineteenth century, people bustling in and out of the small shops and cafés.

Hayley parks the car in a vacant spot and we make our way through the small crowd of people and towards the shops. It's busy as it always is, that familiar bustle of noise that I've grown to love ever since I started coming to London, and even more so now that I live here can be heard all around. The atmosphere is always uplifting and enticing in places like this, everyone's happy and it kind of rubs off on you.

We walk straight inside to the central building to find a group of girls crowding an unknown source, although as we walk closer I recognise the dirty blonde hair immediately.

Perrie smiles happily at the squealing crowd around her, signing things and taking pictures occasionally to satisfy her fans. They're all ecstatic due to meeting their idol and the smiles on their faces just proves that further.

The five of us lean against the same old stone building and patiently wait for Perrie to finish her greetings; she spots us instantly amongst the chaos and squeals, giving us a small wave 'hello', which in turn causes the fans to squeal louder due to my presence.

A couple of them skip over to me and engulf my body in a warm overpowering hug, resulting in me almost toppling over, but thankfully Hayley holds me up knowing that I'm still not as strong as I once have been. "Hey girls, you okay?" I smile and sign a few pictures for them. Once the fans are happy and sated, myself and the girls all head in the direction of a few market stalls, glancing at all of the items on display and ready to be sold.

I watch mindlessly on as customers walk side by side in the right and confine space between the stalls, glancing observingly at the intricately made jewellery or the hand carved wooden statues. All these things made with care and attention to detail, all for people like myself to admire and awe. I smile at a little boy as I pass him, his large brown eyes staring up at me, fascinated by my height. He probably thinks I'm a giant. Cheekily, I stick my tongue out in a childish manner and watch as an incredible wide and genuine smile takes over his face. My heart melts.

"Emma look at this!" Danielle smiles and tugs on my arm to grab my attention, her finger pointing at a glass case hung on level with my face. Knowing Danielle it's probably some piece of jewellery judging by the case she's referring to.

As I approach where she is, I smile to myself knowing that I was right. She glances up slightly at a simple necklace. The chain is a black material and a sterling silver circular design dangles at the bottom. The design consists of some lovely floral patterning made from the same silver with four jewels incrusted into the design. Three a light green colour and the last being a luscious lilac. "It's Peridot and Amethyst," she smiles at the beautifully elegant necklace. "It's yours and Harry's birthstones."

My smile erupts at her words, I knew that the moment she mentioned the names of the birthstones.

I carefully take hold of the glass case and walk over to the man who stands contently behind the stall with his hands firmly behind his back as he observes the passers by. "May I buy this please?" I offer kindly with a smile, my left hand placing the case onto the stall counter as my right hand rummages thoroughly through my over the shoulder bag.

"Of course you may." His eyes survey the case and he smiles telling me the price, I hand the cash to him and grasp ahold of my newly purchased item; I wonder if Harry will like it? I wonder if he'll even realise that it's both of our birthstones, it's not really something men bother about I think. "Emma Raine?" The stall owners voice questions in curiosity just as I turn to walk away.

I smile at my maiden name, it's actually strange to think that it's my maiden name now. I haven't used it in over two and a half years. "Yes?"

The man shakes his head with a smile, suddenly realising his mistake. "Sorry, you're married now, all grown up." His face barely looks familiar, I've met so many people in my life that I can't actually remember him - that's if I know him of course.

"Yeah," I chuckle down at the deliciously precious ring on my finger and then gaze up to him again with a soft smile.

"So you're Mrs Styles now? Is that right?" The man asks unsurely.

"Yes, Mrs Emma Styles." Is it weird that I never tire of hearing that name? It's like music to my ears, like one of your favourite songs that you have on replay constantly and never get bored of listening to.

"Well I used to be a good friend of your grandfathers. We were in the RAF together, your family used to come down and visit us at the farm. Do you remember?" As he jogs my memory small pieces of remembrance start to come back to me; I remember going to the farm with my family, it's a lovely memory, we only went a handful of times but they were always amazing holidays. I recall feeding the chickens and the baby lambs, watching as the farmer sheared the sheep or helping my brother when he milked the cows, they were such tranquil and peaceful holidays, ones I never wish to forget.

Stanley Peterson was the owner alongside his wife Joan and daughter Lizzie who is my parents age; her daughter was Bethany who should be about my age by now. "Stanley Peterson?" I ask.

"That's the one!" He laughs in a joyful tone just how I remember.

"It's lovely to see you! Why are you not at the farm may I ask?" If I recall correctly he never used to leave the farm, it was his work as well as his hobby, I never thought I'd see the day when he wasn't there tending to the animals and crops.

Stanley clears his throat, "well normally my wife would be here but she's looking after Lewis whilst Beth and Lizzie are at work. It should really be Lizzie looking after him but she was called in on the last minute." I search my memory for any recollection of a 'Lewis' but come out unsuccessful.

"Sorry, who's Lewis? I don't remember him."

"He's my great grandson," Stanley starts with a smile, "Beth gave birth two months ago." My heart drops. It sinks to the lowest part of my body and stays there, twisting and turning causing an agony to erupt in my body. I bite the inside of my mouth furiously attempting to not give anything away, I can't break down now. But this is how your life should be, I remind myself. Torturing myself like I deserve to be. My expression remains impassive as I look at Stanley, I should have a perfect life with a husband and a baby. I can't do this, I can't think like this, I have to stop. This is all my fault. It's all my fault! Stop thinking that way Emma. That would have been me right now, and Old Raine would have been a great grandfather if he were still alive; that should be my perfect life right there. Stop!

My voice halts and a large lump forms in my throat, I use all the power I have left in me to choke out a small "congratulations," and a fake smile to accompany it. I am happy for them all, I just can't help but think that if it weren't for my stupid self then that would be me.

"Sorry to interrupt," Hayles steps in, her hands lying on my shoulders as she begins to pull me back only slightly, as if to take me out of the situation. "It's just that we really have to get going, Emma has an interview in half an hour." Lies.

"Ahh of course. You have a busy schedule nowadays, I understand. Give my love to your family." I leave with a nod, slightly guilty that I couldn't form the same words to say back to him.

After rounding the girls up a few moment later, we weave our way through an unsuspecting crowd and to a quiet corner. My breathing is beginning to get heavier, my chest is tight and tears are without doubt burning my eyes. "Hey, hey," Hayley coo's knowing exactly what is wrong. I'm relapsing, already.

"That would have been me Hayles." I blubber to her as the others attempt to contain their heartache, even Sophia who doesn't really know me that well yet.

"I know sweetie, I know, it's okay." Her arms wrap around me in a tight consoling hug, making sure that I have someone there for me, especially since my knight in shining armour is on tour on the opposite side of the world. "Just focus on other things. Harry wouldn't want you upset like this." Her words are extremely true. Harry hates seeing me cry, he always says he feels helpless when I cry. "Do you want me to call him?"

"No, it'll just make him worry and he doesn't need that right now." I'm right, Harry is extremely over protective of me and if he knew about this he would fly back home immediately just to make sure I was alright.

"Too late, I've got him on the phone." Danielle chirps in doing the exact opposite of what I wanted, although I suppose she's just worried and everyone knows Harry can calm me down within a heartbeat. I glance up at Danielle and see a woman pushing a pram out of the corner of my eye, then a man sat outside a café holding a bottle to his baby's lips.

I suddenly feel claustrophobic, being closed in by the girls as they huddle around me and seeing a baby somewhere every time I turn my eyes. I become breathless, "hey baby," his voice breaks next to my ear as Danielle holds the phone up; I gladly take it from her and hold it myself. "I love you."

I smile after hearing his voice, wiping the tears from my eyes and try to slow my breathing. "I love you too."

"You okay love?" He's so calm, how does he always manage to be calm in a manic situation. Nothing seems to bother him at all, he doesn't let anything get to him.

"No," the girls all bite their lips to hold back their tears whilst I unashamedly pour all of mine out. "I need you."

"I'm right here babe, I'll always be right here." After listening to his soothing voice for a few minutes my tears manage to stop and my body refrains from it's persistent shaking. It's almost like nothing ever happened.

•••

My small panic attack didn't go on for much longer after I spoke to Harry. Like I said before, he calms me down very quickly, simply hearing the sound of his voice soothes my aching heart.

I tend to ignore to prams and strollers I pass whilst walking in my small group with the girls, that's what Harry said to do, just to keep my mind calm and focused on something that makes me happy; him.

After our trip to Covent gardens and a stroll down Long Acre road, we manage to exit the car at Oxford street. One of my favourite places to shop. The streets bustle with eager shoppers weaving their way between each other, as if on a mission to their favourite shops. We stop at a café and seat ourselves in a more confided area so we aren't recognised as much, especially Perrie and myself; Hayley and Perrie stand up to go and order as Danielle and Eleanor leave to go to the bathroom.

I glance across the table to Sophia and smile at her, as of now no-one has spoken about my small relapse; it's the elephant in the room and therefore no one has brought up the topic. I feel slightly sorry for Sophia having to deal with that on her first ever day out with us all. "I'm really sorry about before." I apologise guiltily, she really shouldn't have had to see me like that, I imagine she felt extremely uncomfortable. "It just gets a bit too much sometimes, you shouldn't have had to see that and I'm genuinely sorry."

"Oh please it's completely fine, I can't even begin to understand how difficult it must be for you," she smile's kindly making me feel slightly better. "And anyway, I think you're handling everything pretty well. If it were me I'd be exactly the same." My heart warms at her words and I reach my hand over the table, placing it gratefully on top of hers.

"Thank you. That really means a lot to me, more than you realise." My voice quivers thankfully.

"You're my idol, I just want you to be happy." She shrugs nonchalantly although her words are wonderful to hear. To know that someone is so passionate about your work and what you do, and even who you are. "It's lovely to meet you by the way," she chuckles, "I'm Sophia."

My hands tighten in hers, "it's an absolute honour to meet you Sophia, I'm Emma." The girls return from the bathroom and smile at us, obviously they knew how much of a fan Sophia was and are pleased that we seem to be getting along so well.

"So where are we all planning on going first?" Hayley asks carrying a tray of our food. I pull back from mine and Sophia's mutual grasp and sit properly in my chair, leaving room on the table for the tray.

"I think we should get those shoes that you keep going on about Eleanor." I smile remembering the multiple times that she's spoken to me about them.

"Oh no it's fine, we don't need to go. I'm not going to get them anyway." She argues. She's not going to get them? She's been going on about these shoes for ages!

"Okay then, well I'll go and get them then."

She shakes her head lightly, "Aww no Emma it's completely fine, seriously. I don't want you to get them for me honestly, I can buy them another time."

"Eleanor I'm getting those shoes whether you like it or not." I laugh.

"El why are you arguing? She's willing to pay for shoes, I'd let her." Hayley laughs without shame, it's very true, she would.

"And anyway, I saw a really classy coat and a nice button up shirt for Harry in there so I can get them all together." I absolutely love buying Harry shirts, he doesn't seem to care what he wears so he'll just throw on whatever I find; and he seems to like everything I choose anyway. Nowadays I just like to get really awful shirts because I know that he'll wear them no matter what, and despite how abysmal the shirts are he always manages to look effortlessly - and flawlessly - hot.

Danielle squeals, "Right then, well let's eat this and get shopping!"

___________________________

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- Pianogirl56