Author: Marla_love1110

Title: 4/5 - This sounds like a good and interesting story. Suits your genre well.

Cover: 5/5 - This is a pretty cool cover but in terms of it being historically correct? It probably isn't. Anyways, I like the placement and colour of the text on the images. The whole picture looks pretty sleek.

Synopsis: 5/5 - Instantly, I am intrigued. It's short but powerful and I would definitely read your story from reading this synopsis alone.

Plot: 3/5 - You lack a lot of description here. I didn't know the scene until the very end (it was a ship.) I suggest you go over it and add more to the scene. A simple: 'The rocking motion of the large vessel made me queasy would suffice (Lol, that is a crappy example, but do you see what I mean?)

Also, it was a bit of a drag. I would've liked to know how on earth they got on the ship first before anything else, then the death could have occurred later or something. I think it was because it was so sudden that I had no sense of loss for your character. If you'd let us see how he got the illness and more surrounding what Selene did to comfort him.

The flow was sadly lacking for me. I felt that the way you phrased some of your sentences and the fact that you repeated some phrases made it sound very disjointed. One example I can give you is the ending: here you had Selene praying to all the Gods for blah blah blah and then then Ptolemy's body being protected in the sea. This would've sounded a lot better (and made more sense) if she did her prayers after his little body was chucked overboard and not before.

Characters: 3/5 - In terms of what is happening, I couldn't really connect with the death of Ptolemy as much as I think I should have. This has more do do with what was said so maybe describe the child a little more. Let us have flashbacks or something so we get to know what kind of relationship he had with the MC so that his death has more of a profound effect. Selene seems to be a bit of a wimp so far. I understand that she just lost her brother but all she seemed to do is cry and absolutely nothing else. Having said that, the part where she was talking about how they will not throw Ptolemy's body overboard was definitely really good. There was a strong, promising character there.

The secondary characters are not well explained. All we know is that they are 'muscular' I'm sure you could come up with a different way of describing them.

SPG: 3/5 - I suggest you go over this section. There were a few errors:

-'I sat on a stool' you don't need the 'there'

-'...weeks ago, my brother...' You are missing the comma (I kindly added it for you.

-'Staring at how awfully Roman I had become' makes no sense. I suggest you rephrase.

-You already said she was running to Ptolemy so you don't need to repeat it here: 'ran towards Ptolemy ' and 'ran to Ptolemy.

-The dialogue tag after a comma in the speech needs to be lowercase: not '"I love you," He said' but '"I love you," he said'

OVERALL: Definitely think about going over some of the points I've mentioned in SPG but the rest is up you. This is a good start, I know there is something there, you just need to work on it a little bit more.

WOULD I RECOMMEND: YES

TOTAL RATING: 23/30