SYNOPSIS:

Jonnathan Block miraculously wakes up after a car accident, only to find out what his parents have done to not have to lose their precious child.

GENRE: TEEN FICTION

Author: brauliocosta

Title: 3/5 - Interesting title. I do like it. However it doesn't really scream teen fic to me. That is the only reason why I didn't give you a higher mark. Maybe if you changed the genre? I know that this is about teenagers but the category might not be the right one for this story. 

Cover: 1/5 - The cover does not convey what the story is about. If I saw this while I was perusing through the books, I would not give it the time of day. That sucks because this story could be amazing and people just won't click it. I find the position of the title to be too high and the colors are not distinct enough to be a teen fic cover. There are many amazing people who make beautiful covers (usually for a price of a follow, read on their books or a credit) and I'm sure they will be more than willing to help you find something that will make your book stand out. You can find them in the multimedia thread.

Synopsis: 2/5 - Eh, it's alright, I guess. It doesn't pull me in or make me want to read this story. I suggest you rewrite this. Maybe tell us a little more about Jonnathan and how this car accident happened. Just enough to reel your readers in and make them want to find out more.

Plot: 4/5 - I have given you a high mark purely because I think your story is something special. It just needs more work on the other areas.

- Your opening sentence reads a little weird. I suggest you change the wording a little bit. 

- '"I breathe in deeply and get the scent of a hospital."' Seeing as it is more of a descriptive problem, I've decided to put it here. Now, this MC of yours sniffs the place and determines he's in a hospital. What is he? Part bloodhound? All jokes aside, you need to add more description. Tell us what he smells: the burning sensation of industrial strength bleach assaulting his nostrils. The squeaky clean, polished floor under his bare feet. Give us more details.   

That was a nice ending. A good, strong cliffhanger right there. Having read the whole chapter, I can say that you have a good idea. I think that you need to focus more on the execution because right now, I don't think it is a good as it can be. 

In terms of plot, you have a good flow and a nice chain of events. Sadly, I feel like most of it is lost in your writing. Please fix that because I can tell that this will be an amazing story. 

I like how original the idea is. Kid gets into a crash and wakes up finding out he has been cloned. However my question to you is: What has this clone provided to the MC to enable him to be alive. Because right now, I see no connection between the two. 

Characters: 1/5 - The characters, for me, were a little flat. There were many times where the way they acted was just too odd. Eg, the sister's bubbly behavior. I suggest you add more description to them as well as give them either more dialogue, or more action. Eg, mom gripped my hand tight, her smaller one squeezing the life out of mine. Her hand shook on mine, and I could tell, without her saying anything, that she was worried about me. 

It's not perfect, but can you see how I have added a little bit more to the mom so readers can get a general idea of what type of person she is. 

SPG: 1/5 - I'm sorry. I just cannot type all the errors out myself. I feel like your best bet at correcting this (if you haven't already) is to proof read this. If you still don't find anything wrong, I suggest you either pick up a teenage fic (or any genre) book and read how it is written for some simple guidance. Also, there are people on this site that are willing to edit this for you as I don't think a critique is going to be much help at this point. The structure of your sentences, the punctuation and capitalization of 'I' needs to be looked at. 

-'...green bed sheets,I breathe...' you are missing a space between 'sheets' and 'I '

-'Turning to my right, I'm surprised' 

-All the 'I's need to be capitalized.

-All speech ends with punctuation inside the speech marks. So when you have the sister say "Thank God" you need to add a comma: "Thank God ," she says, relieved. 

-You need to have spacing after a person speaks. What I mean is paragraphs. Start a new line after someone speaks. After they speak, start a new line to describe what other characters are doing. So for example:

Dad comes up me and says "welcome back son."

"Welcome back?" I ask puzzled.

Now from that, we can make it better by changing the 'says' from the Dad to be after the speech, as well as capitalizing the 'w' in 'welcome' and adding a comma after 'back'.

Dad comes up to me. "Welcome back, son," he says.

For the child, we can add a little more description, eg not state that his is puzzled but show it. 

My brow furrows in confusion. "Welcome back?" I echo.

- You need to make sure you have spaces after the commas so the words aren't all stuck together.

-'Plain' not 'Plane' 

-'I ask her sounding annoyed' don't tell us he's annoyed. Describe it. What makes his annoyed at her. Does he glare? Scowl? 

-I find it odd that she'd be hung up on the 'blonde' comment and not the 'stupid' part. After all, she is blonde.

OVERALL: You asked me to see if this was interesting. My answer to you is: yes I do like the idea, but also no. This is mainly because I almost ripped my hair out reading this. It was too difficult for me to read and the only reason why I continued was because I agreed to give you a critique. 

Your characters all need to be developed more and your SPG needs some serious TLC.

This story has potential, it just needs more work. 

WOULD I RECOMMEND: NO

TOTAL RATING: 12/30