SYNOPSIS:

Off the West coast of Africa, at the bottom of the Atlantic trench forest, where damselfly dragons chase after beetles, and bioluminescent plants are harvested for sale, Nuru Ndangi is busy collecting rich soil in a jar--excited to offer it as a gift to his best friend.  Tomorrow he will make the trek from his village to the continental elevators that will lift him above the forest, to the city of Conakry.    Meanwhile, far above the Earth's surface, in a castle carved out of a mountain of marble, a small plant-girl named Maypop is being scolded for breaking some very expensive scientific equipment and accidentally tripping a scientist with her vines, which seem to be growing out of control. And lurking in between these two best friends, drifting idley in the sky-water and waiting rather impatiently for the right ship to come, are the privateers hired to destroy Nuru's family business.

GENRE: Fantasy

Author: VagrantDust

PART 1: FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Title: 4/5 - At first, the title seemed a little strange to me. But after I read the first chapter, I finally understood and I actually really like it. I found it to be a very unique title that did draw me in as I wanted to know what exactly it meant in terms of your story.

Cover: 3/5 - I like your cover as it reflects the fantasy aspect of your story. I like how the placement of your name is at the bottom of the page so it does not take my attention away from the title. However I don't really like the text of your title or the size. Maybe think about altering it slightly.

Synopsis: 4/5 - I really like your blurb and the information you have provided here. There is just enough to entice the reader but not enough to give the whole plot away. However, I find that the sentences are a little weird and not structured right. For instance, the first paragraph is literally just one long and lengthy sentence. Think about breaking it up a little bit.

Plot: 4/5 - This is a very interesting premise. I like how the MC has traveled and wants to buy a necklace for his friend. You've made it sweet and touching, giving us something to enjoy. It was a light and easy read as the plot flowed and there were no obvious loopholes to me.

-'There was nothing of interest in the lower markets, so I took out my bottle of water' This may just be me but upon reading this sentence I get the understanding that the MC is drinking water BECAUSE there is nothing to to, rather than it being something done BEFORE the next action occurs, such as standing up. Maybe removing the 'so' and having a full stop will change the phrasing of the sentence.

Characters: 5/5 - I love how culturally diverse this story is. It is one of my favorite things about it. The inclusion of other races and not what we predominantly see in books is refreshing.

The MC is a smart cookie, something I really appreciate when it comes to protagonists.

The little dragon thing is an interesting concept. I like how we know he's chilling in the backpack but he isn't the main focus of the story. Kinda like 'oh I have a dragon on my back but it's cool because everyone does it' sort of way. It really immerses the reader into your world.

SPG: 5/5 - Save for a few minor errors here and there, this section was flawless.

-The great 'wasn't' or 'wouldn't' debate. This can work both ways if you tweak it a little. Keeping 'wouldn't' would require you to emphasize the fact that the MC has yet to step out of the shadows and knows that the sunglasses won't prevent the eye strain. However, if you were to change it to 'wasn't' you have to state that he already began walking and the lens wasn't able to shield him.

-Maybe describe the city and the houses on top of the man made platform a little more. You've said that they were vibrant but you haven't shown us. What colors? Sizes?

-The part where you have the boy bowing and calling the man 'Baba': I am from an Arab country and translated, Baba is like father, which wouldn't be the right word. Ammo (literal translation is uncle) is used for men who are not related to you but are older as a sign of respect. However this is your story and you have full control of whatever terminology you want to use.

-You do not need the comma after 'her vines,' as it chops the sentence at an awkward place. So it should read '...her vines were putting down temporary roots like fingers in the soil. Maybe add a 'were' to make the sentence flow a little better..

OVERALL: This story is very unique. I love the sky water idea. However at certain points I was confused as I found you didn't set the scene as much. So maybe adding a little something to describe the setting more will be helpful. It read like a second book in a series and not the first. By that I mean, everything was talked about as though one had previous knowledge of the world. As this is not the case, adding more detail in terms of describing the sky water, what it is, how it's different will really help the reader connect with your story a little more.  

WOULD I RECOMMEND: YES

TOTAL RATING: 25/30

PART 2: THE REST

Chp 2. The Mpaji

- The part where you say the MC's family as never seen bubbles strikes me as odd. How can they have never seen that as bubbles are everywhere. Maybe think about altering the sentence a little like saying they have never seen bubbles as big as those created when the boat is leaving the dock, or if you want to keep the whole 'fam don't even know what soap bubbles look like' explain to us how and why this is.

- Also, I don't really think the use of parenthesis works. Switch it to '-' when talking about the trick he learned to pop his ears.

- It's weird that he calls his uncle 'baba' as that is the term used for 'father'. So unless this is explained, I suggest changing it.

- 'Whales's call' change that to 'whales' call'

- Not quite sure what 'than the grew' means. Maybe 'Crew'

- '"Not yet," he said' you need to have a lower case for 'he'

- Interesting ending.

Overall: This chapter flowed very well. There were no plot holes or problems with character development. I like how you expand a little more on his plant friend and I'm even more interested to meet her. Again, my favourite thing I guess you could say is the little dragon. You have described the setting very well and the characters all seem to be developing well. Apart from the minor issues I brought up above, I think this is a chapter well done. 

Chp 3. Ascending to the Moon-Castle

- You've thrown in a 'Dr Lima' with regards to Maypop's leaves on her head but you haven't told us who she is. This reads a little odd as you are putting in a new person without backing it up. A simple who she is would suffice. You don't need to write paragraphs on her.

- The paragraph about docking the ship: so here you say the MC does his best to avoid the crew as they dock the ship and he talks about the procedure carried out to do so. However as it is one continuous paragraph  it reads a little funny as the next part has him gathering bis stuff to leave. I suggest you split the paragraph up, so the part that starts from ' once the ship was secure' should be on its own.

- Also it should be 'once the ship was secured' as you are talking in the writing in the past tense.

- '"What is this you have," she said' you need a lowercase 'she'

- I don't think the comma is needed after 'Dr Zimmerman'. The sentence flows better without it.

- I prefer the word 'repeated' rather than 'restated' but that's a personal preference.

- '"What does an astronomer want with my business?" he asked'. 'Said' is not the right word as it is a question.

- That relationship Maypop and the MC share hit me right in the feels. I loved how you described their meeting and how he gave her the necklace. I ended up having a sappy look on my face and 'awww'ing the whole time I was reading it.

Overall: Your descriptions are on point and I feel like this story is progressing beautifully.

Chp 4. The Moon-Castle Observatory and Scientific Outpost

- 'who everyone said' not 'whom'

- 'blinked hard and rubbed my eyes' you're missing the 'and'

- Maypop has officially become my favourite character. Don't get me wrong, I still love the little dragon, but the plant chick is way too friggin cute. I love the way you describe her.

Overall: There were a few errors I spotted when I was reading this chapter, most of which were already pointed out. I do suggest you reread your chapter again, but out loud. This usually helps me spot my mistakes as I am critically evaluating my work for issues with Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar. Having said that, these errors were minor and didn't detract away from the story.

Chp 5: For the telescope!

I find that your chapters run a little on the long side. Now this isn't a major problem as I know many people love long chapters but it does seem to go on forever. Having said that, when I was reading, there was no point where my eyes glazed over from boredom and I was pulled into the world completely. I'm saying this only as something for you to consider in future. 

At the start of the chapter, you jump into the alterations that are being done to the ship. I would have liked it better if you included a little part either before this paragraph or on the chapter before saying that the Captain agreed to take the mission.

You talk about the 'man-o-war as though we know what it is. We don't. Explain/ describe what it is to us.

PLOT HOLE: You say that the MC visits Dr Chen but you don't say that Maypop and the Captain are there with him. Again, adding even a few words to let us know would make it flow better.

You need to split off your scenes a little bit. For example say something like 'Later, when Maypop asked to join to trip she was turned down...and then the rest of it' basically, this allows the reader to have a general idea about the time frames in your story and not read it as a continuous scene.

Again, in swoops Maypop to steal my heart. She is just too cute. I love how she begs to be taken on the trip and is showing how she can be a tripod.

Wow, there is such a difference between the evil dick (in my opinion) Dr Zimmerman and the sweetie Dr Chen. I love the way you portrayed these guys as you have DESCRIBED them to the point where I form my own opinion of them.

PART 3: CONCLUSION

Some of the terminology you use is very weird, but I love it. This is truly a fantasy book. From the strange talking plant, to the boy that carries a dragon in his backpack, to the fish in the sky! It is a unique story that I have never read before, and thoroughly enjoyed. I will definitely carry on reading!