SYNOPSIS:

Iris Alleyne, at 23 years old, isn't known to any government institutions around the world. At the tender age of 9, she was stripped of her fairly normal life after her mother's cover was blown as one of the most deadliest assassins in the world. Ironically, Iris's father was the man who led the case with an iron fist willing to do anything to get her behind bars. After her mother was sent to prison for life her and her father's relationship quickly deteriorated into nothing, which has now become the norm for her except for the few who tolerate her. Now with the job of a high profile thief, her identity remains hidden successfully with the help of people she knows and the people she never knew existed. Even her face remains a mystery to the people whose records have been purposefully destroyed in a place called the Abyss. However, one day a man who is notorious for extreme hijacking and aquatic terrorism is assigned to work with Iris by his agency. Even with their differences and clashing personalities they have to make it work for they'll be enduring the next 6 months side by side, setting out into mission after mission in territories both unfamiliar to them. Together they have to get to the bottom of the threat that opposes everyone's mere existence within the Ghost Society. Tensions become increasingly high, causing everyone to question the ones closest to them, who is truly on their side, and who is even real.

GENRE: MYSTERY/ THRILLER 

Author: calmingfire

Title: 5/5 - Oooo shnazzy title. I have an idea of what it is about instantly and I think it goes well with your thriller genre. 

Cover: 3/5 - I think the cover is too busy for my liking because you have too much going on. Maybe simplify it, take only the main theme and run wild instead of having a gun, a plane, and half a person's face in the background. Also, I find it a little hard to read the title of your story on the cover with is a big problem as it is meant to be easy to read. 

Synopsis: 3/5 - There are some good elements to this and it does give a general idea about what will happen in the story, plot wise. However it is a little jumbled up and all over the place. 

-Your first sentence is phrased weirdly. I'm thinking it should say 'At 23 years old, Iris Alleyne wasn't known...' but still, the phrasing seems a little...off. I don't know, maybe try rewriting it so you don't give quite as many details away. 

Plot: 2/5 - The pace is too slow. You have too many adjectives that make your work overly descriptive (Sadly, too much makes it for a drab read.) Personally, I'm not all that interested in her workout routine. I would suggest maybe picking the most relevant parts that will move your plot forwards. 

You finally move away from the workout business and she goes into the shower. So here's to hoping something juicy happens and while she says she need a good lay nothing comes from it. I just feel like it was 'she did this, then she did that' kind of thing . I know you said that this is your first time writing third so I guess some of the problems could be because of that. 

Also, I found the chapter to be too long in length. You want to write something that is a little shorter to make sure your readers (who predominantly use the app) will remain engaged. Maybe try splitting it up into two smaller chapters?

Characters: 4/5 - Firstly, I really like the name Iris. It's not used all that much which instantly makes your character unique and interesting. She's a little sassy, and I really like that about her. I can't wait to see what she's like in the later chapters. She is a very well developed 3D character, so well done for that. 

We aren't properly introduced to Rehmi, but from the last part, she seems hella crazy (and I gotta say, I love me some crazy.) So in that retrospect, you ended the chapter at a good place. 

  -'He was that ugly' Haha that was a funny part, I really liked that.   

SPG: 3/5 - It wasn't terrible but it can be improved. I felt like there was too much description of stuff that held no importance to the story which dragged out the chapter.  

Well done for not writing 'POV Iris' like so many people do. It definitely makes your story more sophisticated and doesn't break the flow. 

-Okay, your first sentence makes no sense. The sound of the rope slapped against the floor? Sounds don't do that. Also, the whole thing is too long for a sentence so maybe throw in a full stop somewhere. 

-I don't understand the need for the thought 'what the fu*k do I look like?' it doesn't link to anything and it feels a little random. 

-I'm not sure about this one but I'll say it anyway. I don't think that it is right to say that the sunlight was emitted by the windows because, as we know, the sun gives the sunlight. Also, the comma in between 'windows' and 'glistened' should be moved to be in between 'clammy' and 'bronze'.

-Instead of 'just because she can' change it to 'just because she could'

-The 'Lets just say...' paragraph doesn't fit the flow of your story. You're using italics to say what she;s thinking, but no one would sit around thinking that. So maybe have something like: Iris smiled mischievously at the memory of breaking the old creep's arms after he'd touched her ass one time too many. (It's not perfect but see how I made sure it suits the writing style.)

-'Anyway, it's not like she needed the training' remove the 'however' as it's not needed. 

-Remove the comma between 'weaponry' and 'at'

-The italic thoughts would have fit in better if it was in third. As it is, maybe changing it so that it says 'she had to masturbate...'  and do not italicize it. 

OVERALL: Personally, I think you should have kept it as a first person narrative. This is mainly because the third hasn't been written as well as it could be and I'm getting hints that the first would have been more effective, especially where Iris has some internal thoughts which sound a little out of place right now. You had hardly any misplaced commas and you used the right pronoun throughout. There were no grammatical errors that I could find, so well done for that. The main issue stems from the writing style and description which sort of mess up your plot. 

WOULD I RECOMMEND: NO (Not right now, but I know that with a little more editing, this will be a perfectly flawless story. I am already getting hints of it's awesomeness, but it's not enough yet.)

TOTAL RATING: 19/30