Author: lunaAangel88

Title: 4/5 - It's an interesting choice. When reading it, I get a sort of sinister feel from it. However I feel like the 'Dearest' written in caps isn't such a good idea because it makes it look weird.

Cover: 3/5 - I love the image, it definitely gives off a creepy vibe (which I'm assuming you are trying to portray.) Small problem, it doesn't have your title on it so it doesn't actually look like a cover. If you are unable to create the cover yourself, loads of people can help you with that in the multimedia thread for a small price or none at all, depending on who you ask. Trust me, they are all very talented: my cover is freaking AMAZING! I love the girl who created mine for me. Keep looking, I know there is someone out there for you. Definitely keep the image, it works really well.

Synopsis: 2/5 - This is all over the place, I don't know what is going on. I do get the general gist: someone gets possessed and someone needs to save them or something. But it's not hooking. Try rewriting this in a different way, it may take time till you find the version that makes you happy but when it does, man it will be amazing. I say this only because I have read your chapter and I feel like you have the potential to write a synopsis that will blow people away.

Plot: 4/5 - Let me start with the positives -> This chapter was short and sweet, you have interesting events taking place, eg the accident then the weird teen and back to before the accident.

Now, I feel like certain parts are lacking in description. Tell us what your MC hears, sees, feels when the car crashes. Imagine yourself in her position, how would you react.

Characters: 3/5 - I noticed you do a lot of telling here and not enough showing. Don't tell us she was scared, show us how the blood rushes to her face, her heart beats faster, sweat pools down her back. Describe her fear when she doesn't see her friend sitting next to her in the car.

Don't keep saying teen, describe her. Tell us what she looks like, don't just say she was transparent. Tell us how she talks, where she is sitting, how she acts.

I do like how the teen says 'dearest' linking back to the title of your story.

SPG: 3/5 - Personally, I find that this section could benefit from a proofread.

-'Your the coward' is not correct. It's supposed to be 'you are the coward'

-Your commas and full stops are all over the place and you have extra spaces. Eg, After a full stop, you need to caps lock the next word so '"...for this." The teen...' Try proofreading the piece as that usually helps me eradicate most errors.

-Sometimes the phrasing of your sentences are a little off so that kind of disrupted the flow of the story. Again, reading out loud will help you understand where it sounds odd.

-Some people prefer lower case and then you describing how your character speaks as opposed to you writing it in caps lock.

-Again, people don't like bold in writing as it kind of takes away from the scene. You could use italics instead.

OVERALL: This is definitely an intriguing start and I do want to know more about what happens next. The ending was well written, especially the part where you say that the crash that happened before doesn't actually come to pass the second time. Now I'm left wondering what the hell happened and I instantly want to flip to the next chapter.

WOULD I RECOMMEND: YES BUT IT DEFINITELY NEEDS SOME WORK

TOTAL RATING: 19/30