SYNOPSIS:

Juliet's whole life has been turned upside down, and it's about to get worse. Moving halfway across the world, she finds herself thrown into the middle of a nightmare that has come alive. Someone or something is attacking the residents of small town Nylstroom, and Juliet wants answers. But she's not asking the right questions...

GENRE: VAMPIRE

Author: FuzzyZombieUnicorn

Title: 4/5 - I like the title, well, part of it anyway. I think it's really creative how you've used the 'Crimson' part as I connote it with the color of blood. As this has to do with vampires (who, need I point out, drink blood) gives this title a very ingenious twist. Having said that, I don't know quite how I feel about the 'Nightmares' part. It just sounds...off. Maybe it's just me. (Hence why I haven't given you a lower mark.)

Cover: 3/5 - I like your cover but I don't feel like it screams vampire to me. If I was going through the list of stories and I saw this, I would not click on it because it just doesn't jump out at me (cuz it looks like it's for a different genre and mandem loves the supernatural). That is the main reason I have't really given you higher. I do like the positioning of the text and the actual picture but sadly this doesn't do the vampire genre for me. 

Synopsis: 4/5 - It's a good blurb. I'm intrigued to know more about the thing that is killing the residents of Nylstroom, so that's a good thing. 

Plot: 4/5 - I don't particularly like the way the chapter is opened. It's not exactly gripping. It's also kind of odd. Having read the whole chapter, I think that the beginning is completely unnecessary and you should just start straight from the thunder and lightning part, then lead on to the rushing downstairs and seeing the boy. 

You had really good descriptions of the rain and the thunder which I really liked. But then there is a lot of info dump with the whole father dying thing. I didn't feel any connection to the MC here because I didn't think her reaction was powerful enough. Also, maybe leave their reasons for moving until later on in the book. Just let us know that they moved because the dad died. Then throughout the chapters you can tell us more about your MC's life. 

Okay, that ending was actually unexpected. I really liked that. The whole blue eyed thing. Just throwing an idea out there, what if you start off with her having a dream and then describe it vividly. Then maybe you could link that with the whole 'I feel things' part so you don't have to remove it. Maybe have the reason she wakes up could be because of the storm and then she goes down yadda yadda yadda. When she goes back up and sleeps back, then have the dream link back to the boy. 

Anyways that part was just my opinion, feel free to ignore it as this is your story :)

Characters: 3/5 - Personally, your characters need a little more work. The feel a little 2D at the moment. That is nothing to worry about because it's easily fixed by adding small things to build their character. Eg, No one is rushing around screaming or demanding answers even though you made it clear that they are all stressed. We need to see it. 

I don't know where to put this because it might be a character flaw so it's going to go here and you can make of it as you will. Firstly, your MC is gasping with surprise. Why? I think you should add more here and give us information on what it was. Also, she doesn't seem fazed by what is going on. There's no description based on that so the whole scene feels a little detached. 

She falls asleep too quickly after witnessing that. There is no emotion coming off her here like 'holy crap, I just saw a kid nearly die'. We don't know how old she is either. That could have been mentioned when she was describing the boy. A simple 'I'd peg his age to be around blah just like me' 

-How do they know John? One of the Grandparents call him by his name like they know him but when the MC saw him, she referred to him as 'man' as opposed to 'John'. How does he know the family, why did he come to their house? And how the hell did he get in? So many questions.

-There is a point where the MC looks at a pic of her family all happy and stuff. You should take this opportunity to describe what they look like, maybe tell us what type of frame the pic is in. Small basic things add to a story, no matter how drab or boring they might be to you to type them. 

SPG: 3/5 - Even though I bring up a lot of points, this part wasn't all bad. 

-Tell us - even mentioned briefly in a sentence- that they have farm animals. I know you did say they live on a farm as the natural idea is to have animals on it but still, you need to make it abundantly clear.  

-You say staircase twice in the same paragraph. Maybe think about using a synonym. 

-The crimson liquid sounds odd. It's too wordy. Maybe something like 'Blood. It's everywhere. It coats the boy like a second skin, seeping into the wooden floorboards under him' Not perfect but ya know, just an example. 

-There is a lot of 'now' and 'by this time'. I don't think it's necessary. For example, when the first 'is now' is used in reference to the mother, you could have something like 'kneels beside the teenage boy (maybe add a little action), her hands fluttering uselessly around the fallen young man.' 

You make no reference to the grandfather until he is randomly standing beside the man. I suggest you could give us a one sentence briefly telling us where he came out from and then say 'my grandfather came and stood beside the man.'

-This is first person so the MC should have no idea that the kid is the man's son. She can assume but she can't outright say it because it was never told to her. With first person POV's you can only reveal what the character hears, sees, feels and not anyone else. So maybe think about altering that part a little bit.

-Don't repeat 'feet' twice in the same sentence, it sounds weird.

OVERALL: Honestly, I thought the beginning was a little boring. You don't want that, you want something that will grip and keep your readers' attention. This didn't do it for me. It did pic up a little when your MC went downstairs but not by much. Had I been reading this in my own time, I would have stopped. Which is a shame because that ending. Seriously amazing. I love the idea, I think maybe you should fix the execution a little bit. 

Having said that, sometimes your descriptions are absolutely wonderful. Just try to do it all the time as opposed to sometimes. 

WOULD I RECOMMEND: YES (BUT IT NEED MORE WORK TO BE AS AWESOME AS I THINK IT WILL BE. IT HAS A LOT OF POTENTIAL, AND I DON'T SAY THAT LIGHTLY. YOU ARE A GOOD WRITER.)

TOTAL RATING: 21/30