Author: _resolution 

Title: 5/5 - I love this title. It's pretty cool because your story is based around the Cinderella story and stuff happens at midnight. So, good choice.

Cover: 4/5 - I like it, it's simple yet effective.

Synopsis: 4/5 - You have few mistakes (and an over abundance of commas that need to be removed) but it is a very creative and gripping synopsis. Upon reading this, I am immediately intrigued to see how this story will play out.

Plot: 3/5 - You just jump a whole scene when one second they are talking about flopping maths and the next they have finished cheerleading practice. There is no smooth transition so I was a tad confused. Also, you do a lot more telling than showing. Add more dialogue tags (Smiled, winked, glared) to add expression to your work. Generally speaking, you have a solid and interesting idea. I think you need to focus on how it's presented.

Characters: 3/5 - You have a lot of characters being introduced here which makes it kind of confusing to keep up with who is who. Plus, you kind of tell us everything about said characters and don't let us find that out for ourselves so it's a bit of a bore. I feel like you lack that emotional connection to bring these characters alive. Adding more of Cindy's thoughts will definitely allow us as readers to connect with her and sympathise. We don't need Rita's life story. Cindy and Rita can have a conversation whereby Cindy asks Rita about work. Then you can briefly mention what she does. But otherwise, right now, it's information overload and I don't particularly think it's revenant  here.

Top tip: when writing, say what you think the your character is thinking/ feeling in that moment. Eg, put yourself in her shoes and act out the scene. Would you be describing the characters' personalities or be engrossed in the convo and describe setting?

SPG: 3/5 - I've made a list of some of your more obvious errors. I suggest you go over this chapter and proofread. I'm sure you'd be able to see what I've pointed out.

-The first sentence doesn't make much sense. Try changing 'frustratedly' into 'in frustration' or maybe use a different term to describe her blowing which will give us the impression that she is angry.

-', Gus Mathers,' you need a comma after you say the name.

-sympathetic 'look' is the right term. 'Stare' sounds weird.

-When Gus is saying she's gonna flunk then you need a comma after the dialogue, not a full stop.

-This sentence is wrong (the one where Cindy furrows her eyebrows) the comma implies that her furrowing her eyebrows somehow helps Gus with the bags. Fix this sentence maybe by saying 'Cindy furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. (Say something here) she leaned over and helped Gus untangle her straps.' See, smooth and not confusing.

-Either you mean "her friends'" or "her friend's" cuz that's not grammatically correct. 

-You are lacking the correct dialogue punctuation. Eg '"Hello, Hamie," I said.' After someones says something its supposed to be a comma. Or 'She laughs. "I can't believe that happened!"' After the action, you have have a full stop then say the dialogue.

-'Ensure any of her bags from falling' doesn't make sense. Change this to something like 'Ensure that none of her bags fell.'

-You don't roll shoulders into a shrug. That doesn't makes sense. Maybe try 'lifted her shoulders' instead.

-Wrong word. You need 'you're' as in the joining of you and are. Not 'Your'

OVERALL: There were a few good moments there which made it interesting but generally, I feel like you have a lot of excess stuff in there that you can remove, especially because this is the first chapter and it needs to be engaging and gripping enough for people to want to know more. I didn't think this story was amazing but with a bit of work, it will be.

WOULD I RECOMMEND: YES

TOTAL RATING: 21/30