SYNOPSIS:

Every Christmas Eve, King Santa Claus soars through the skies to deliver presents in a sleigh pulled by eight flying reindeer. But until midnight, if you listen closely, you can hear his merciless whip snapping across their backs.Krampus, the goat demon and punisher of naughty children, was once the king's most trusted advisor, and even named heir to Santa's throne. However, when he began to question the North Polian monarchy, he was exiled to the outskirts of Antartica.Now, after spending a century in solitude, Krampus is finally summoned back to his home. Upon his return, he learns of how tyrannous the king has become in his absence. It isn't anywhere near the holidays, but it looks like Santa won't be the only one working overtime this year.

GENRE: FANTASY

Author: spicy_sweets

PART 1: FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Title: 5/5 - I love the title. I am instantly drawing up ideas about what this story could be about. Christmas immediately makes me think festivity and as this is a fantasy book, I am curious to see how it plays out.

Cover: 4/5 - This cover is nice, I like how it ties in with your title. It's quite plain, but I like that. Again, it is festive, which really suits the title. I like how the middle is bare which allows me to read the text. My only complaint is that the text is barely legible to me. I find it quite difficult to read the smaller words.

Synopsis: 5/5 - This, in my opinion, is a well written synopsis. It's long enough to get the reader hooked but not much is given away. After reading this, I am excited to see how your story goes. Small thing, I think you spelled Antarctica wrong. Antartica. I don't know, that word confuses me. Is it one of those words that change spelling depending where you are in the world?

Plot: 4/5 - Overall, this is a very unique plot. It it quite refreshing after reading so many books that have a similar pattern. There are a few things I think can be tweaked here and there in terms of plot but nothing too bad.

-You tell us that the room has an 'opulent design' but you don't describe it. What adorned the walls? Where they blank? What kind of furnishing is there? You say that the room is 'doused in mint chocolate' but you don't explain. Is this literally or figuratively? How so?

-'There was a crack once king santa smacked the whip across Krampus's face, then silence' There are a few things I think can be improved here. This does not excite me and make me feel pulled into the action (action falls a little flat, too). You've got some good descriptions that are full of detail, which leads me to believe you have the ability to do it here, too. Excite the reader. Don't say 'there was a crack' dull. Say something like 'King Santa raised the whip, eerily calm' or maybe have his eyes 'glinting with barely controlled rage'. Don't say 'smacked the whip across Krampus's face' say something like ' he flexed his wrist, whip lashing across Krampus's face'. Give us some oomph here. (btw don't feel like you have to use the sentences I suggested, they are just examples of what you can do to improve this scene.)

-Okay, now I'm confused. Did Krampus just dream the whole thing or what? I understand it was a flashback to the past but please make this explicitly clear as I had to read it a couple of times as the transition between scenes was a little jarring.

Characters: 5/5 - You described these characters beautifully. To me, they feel almost alive, something I thoroughly admire in a writer.

I love how you make me hate Santa. The way you have written him, and the way he treats his reindeer makes me so mad.

Then there's Krampus, the guy we usually hate. Here, I feel so bad for him, and I just can't wait to see the rest of his story.

SPG: 3/5 - There were a few problems here I think need a little attention.

-The sentence with 'he spotted a young girl' This is too long and confusing to read. I think you could do with a full stop after 'green hat' and start a new sentence with 'She was holding' It just flows a little better split up rather than putting it altogether.

-'walked into the lounge that was doused in mint chocolate' I feel like there should be a full stop after lounge and the rest of that sentence moved to the next part when you describe the room. (Also, you repeat the term 'mint chocolate' twice in one go, use a different synonym)

-'a deep, bellowing voice scolded' There needs to be 'A' not 'a' after a full stop. Or you change the speech tag to include a comma.

-'He averted his eyes to the deer under the man's foot when its ear twitched.' This sentence needs some punctuation to make sense. As it stands, it reads a little awkwardly. Maybe think about removing the 'when it's ear twitched' and creating a new sentence for that. (Also, as the ear belongs to someone, it should be 'it's' not 'its')

OVERALL: You have a few run on sentences which makes some parts of your story a little clumsy to read. A few parts need more description. Other than that, I thought that this was a very interesting and gripping story to read. I also liked the way you ended the chapter.

WOULD I RECOMMEND: YES

TOTAL RATING: 26/30

PART 2: THE REST

Chp 2. CHAPTER TWO

- This might be a nitpicky thing but I'll say it anyway. You say that Krampus has not intention of dying but then he can never die as long as children sin (and that aint gonna stop anytime soon, am I right? *winkwinknugdenudge* ) therefore it's not 'an intention'. I think it may need to be changed to something more suitable OR you add a few words to say while he has no intention to die, the sins of children will prevent it from happening anyway. Do you get me?

-Yeah, I think your main problem is that you are trying to fit a lot in one sentence and sometimes the words aren't in the right order. Take this sentence for example: 'gestured towards the letter that rested in his pouch with his head' reading this tells me that in the pouch is a letter and his head. That makes no sense. Also, you haven't told us where the pouch is. So maybe start with that then carry on with 'gestured with his head to the pouch' you can even say where the pouch is at the end.

-'criticizing the deer's features' maybe 'Analyzing' is a better word.

-'...does that to a demon' not 'so' (typo)

- There is no need for the ellipsis at the start of 'I guess'

-Ahahha, I loved the whole 'wasting oxygen part'

-Man, the description of Krampus'' home sent shivers down my back. What the hell happened in the 100 years he was gone? Seriously want him to do something to evil Santa asap.

-I liked how you slowly introduced Simon in a way that made it seem natural, and not forced at all.

-OOh I found it interesting that Krampus eats the sins of kids, but then now they went down in sinning. This is such a cool idea. 

Overall: This started off being quite repetitive, then Simon came into the picture and the pace picked up. I am really enjoying the direction your story is going.

Chp 3. CHAPTER 3

-The first sentence needs altering a little bit. Shivering a the sudden contact between the snow (tell us maybe a temperature or give a consistency) ...of soft/fluffy snow and the bottom of his bare hooves.

- He does a lot of shivering. Maybe get a different word to describe this. Or cut it out completely. It's cold, we get it.

-Based on the way Krampus talks, I find it a little odd he says 'anyways'

-Ahahaha 'snowmanslaughter' I love that.

- I really love the way you have described the city now. I can feel the difference from the first chapter to now. Its very icy and isolated. 

- I don't think 'chided' is the right word. It means to scold. Krampus is saying 'no problem' to the snowmen, I don't see him scolding them at all. 

Overall: I like the way that Krampus interacts with the creatures in the town. He is friendly and kind, something that is juxtaposed with his abhorrent features and goat body. His personality really shines through in this chapter, as I'm sure it will continue to do so throughout your chapters. Again, you slowly introduced the snowmen in a way that made it feel natural. I love how they are also against the tyrannical Santa. 

Chp 4. CHAPTER 4

- 'stepping forward with. The shackles...' You either didn't finish that sentence or you have an extra full stop that needs removing. 

- I'm confused, there are shackles? When did these appear? Clearly they are literal as they 'jangle' and the noise caught the 'attention of both of them' but I don't think you included them before. If I'm mistaken please correct me and I'll change it. 

- 'Demise' means passing/ death but the way you have used it does not make sense as Krampus cannot remember something that hasn't happened yet. (The King's death) Maybe 'dreamed? hoped? yearned for? would be better suited substitutes.Or if it is referring to his banishment? then add the appropriate word. 

- Interesting kettle analogy

- oooh, this is juicy. Santa raised Krampus and Jack Frost (Also woot woot on the descriptions there. I seriously love the way you portrayed good ole Jack)

Overall: I like the progression of the story, the pace is also quite good, consistent. The voice, however, is all over the place. I don't know what it is meant to be, either old English or modernized as you switch between the two. Keep the voices of your characters consistent. 

Chp 5. CHAPTER 5

- How many arms do these snowmen have? The imagery is on point, I can almost see the scene you're painting. 

-Awww the nameless snowman has a name. I really like 'Yuki' as a name for him.

- Is it a hoof or a foot? It cannot be both.

- Yas! We finally find out why Krampus was brought back to the North Pole for. Interesting change in events. 

Overall: This is a good chapter, not too long but full of juicy details.

PART 3: CONCLUSION

This is an interesting story. I like how Krampus and Santa's roles are reversed, with santa being the evil one. 

My main issue with this story is not the plot as that is absolutely flawless and unique, but with the execution. You have your characters say things or do things that do not go with the personality you are portraying. Everyone has this light/ airiness to them that is just kind of meh. I want you to drag me in completely, but right now I'm only at the shallow end. I want the scary parts (Santa whipping the reindeer, the snowmen carrying out orders to kill Krampus, Krampus getting frozen by Jack) to be actually scary. I want to cringe as I read, cowering in terror or shaking with anger. You can do it, I know you can.