Tremble for me
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Maingat kong hinawi ang manipis na kurtina sa bintana ng apartment ko at singkit ang mga matang sumilip sa tapat ng building. Nakasandal si JT sa tagiliran ng kotse niya habang nakahalukipkip. I knew that he arrived twenty minutes ago. Since then, I tried to calm down but nothing's working. Bihis na 'ko pero hindi pa 'ko handang humarap sa kanya.

Kahit sabihin ko sa sarili kong he's the same JT I've been with a few times, my heart couldn't help but beat like a maniac. Kahit isipin kong para 'to kay Papa, naduduwag akong lumapit sa kanya uli.

I could still hear his confession in my ears. I could still feel his lips on my lips. Heck, I was still trembling because of him.

A thousand scenarios played in my head. Paano ako haharap sa kanya? Paano ko siya babatiin pagbaba ko? Paano kapag magkalapit na kami? Paano kung gaya ng sabi niya ay halikan niya lang ako bigla? Worst, paano kung ako ang manghalik?

I almost jumped when the phone in my hand rung. Si JT. Tinitigan ko lang ang pagri-ring. Humawi uli ako sa kurtina. Sumilip uli.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa bintana ko at nagtama ang mga mata namin. Matipid siyang ngumiti at sumenyas para bumaba na ako.

Binitawan ko ang kurtina.

Great. He saw me.

Tatanggapin ko na lang siguro na matataranta ako buong araw habang kasama siya. Sisikapin ko na lang na mamanhid at 'wag madala sa mga gagawin o ipapakita niya. Si Papa na lang ang iisipin ko. Not him or Zig or my stupid heartbeat.

I bravely went out of my apartment, marched down the stairs like a trained soldier, and faced the war of feelings inside me when JT's eyes met mine.

I stopped walking because he was looking at me. I swallowed nothing dahil tuyo ang bibig ko sa kaba.

Tumuwid ng tayo si JT at binuksan ang pinto ng passenger seat. Ikiniling lang ang ulo niya bilang paanyaya.

Dire-diretso akong naglakad at lumampas sa kanya. Naupo ako sa sasakyan. Isinara niya ang pinto, umikot siya, at naupo sa driver's seat.

Tuwid ang tingin ko sa harapan. Nawawala ang paghinga ko sa loob ng kotse dahil kay JT. Lahat ng maliliit na bagay, napapansin ko.

The car hinted of a masculine cologne mixed with the car's freshener. Malamig ang aircon. And why the hell did I wear a stupidly green and soft dress like this? The softness of the fabric made me feel vulnerable. Dapat nag-jeans na lang ako.

I wanted to cry. In less than an hour, I was getting tired of all the emotions inside me.

Bakit kasi kung anu-anong sinabi ng lalaking ito sa'kin? He told me to think of him and his kiss and now everything's about him.

"You made me wait, Hamon," untag niya.

Suminghap ako ng hangin. Nababaliw na nga ako. His voice sounded so good in my ear. Why was I feeling like a love-deprived idiot?

I've been had real bad. Was I really this stupid?

Sa tagiliran ng mata ko ay nakita kong nagbiling ng ulo sa gawi ko si JT. Tapos, nagsimula siyang lumapit nang malapit... na malapit... na malapit.

Oh boy! Was he really going to... to kiss me again?! Agad-agad?

My body froze. He stopped when he's but a few inches away from my face. My throat felt dry as hell. My soul felt like escaping out of my body. Gusto kong manawagan para 'wag akong iwan ng malay-tao ko.

Naramdaman kong gumalaw ang kamay niya sa tagiliran ng upuan ko habang magkahinang pa rin ang mga mata namin.

Hindi kaya..?

Hinila niya nang tuluyan ang seatbelt at maingat na pinagkabit iyon sa katawan ko.

I felt my blood rushed to my cheeks. Damn this guy for making me anxious for nothing!

I thought for sure he was going to kiss me! Kasi sabi niya sa chat...

Ngumiti siya nang mapansin ang kunot-noo ko. He was still way to near my face.

"Bakit namumula ka?" he teased.

Maitim talaga ang budhi nito. Bully. Inconsiderate. I almost had a heart attack. I could have died! At ang concern niya ay kung bakit ako namumula?

Next time, mamumutla na lang ako!

This damn mouth won't even say anything to him! Stupid! Stupid!

"Are you expecting a kiss? Because I asked you to think about it?" makulit na tanong niya.

I opened my mouth to argue but tasted his lips instead when he pressed it against mine. Everything stopped—my thoughts, my rebuttals, my movements.

Nakaalalay ang mainit na palad niya sa panga at tagiliran ng leeg ko, habang masuyong sumisimsim ang labi niya sa labi ko. His kiss felt like coffee on a rainy day—warm, tender, and homely. At the back of my mind, I wanted to feign an offense... but I couldn't.

How could I hate nor reject a kiss like this?

But how could I just accept this, too? It's unfair to JT. It's unfair to Zig, too.

He stopped before I lose my mind and respond.

Binitawan niya 'ko. Tinitigan.

"I really mean to kiss you. I just strapped you first to lessen your chance of avoiding it," he said in a low voice.

Nanatiling nakaawang ang mga labi ko sa sinabi niya. I just hoped that I had some sort of a neutral expression because my brain was still savoring his kiss.

Ikiniling ni JT ang mukha niya, nakaalay ang pisngi sa'kin.

"Pwede mo na 'kong sampalin."

Lumunok ako.

"Baliw ka na nga..." nagawa kong sabihin.

"Dati na 'kong baliw, Hannah. You made me crazier."

Nag-iwas ako ng mata sa kanya.

"Hindi mo 'ko sasampalin?" tanong niya na ikinikiling pa rin ang mukha.

"Just drive. I'll just forget that—"

"Don't forget. If you do, I'll kiss you again."

"Ano?!"

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Seryoso ang mukha niya nang salubungin ang mga mata ko.

"Don't forget that I already kissed you twice. If you do, I'll kiss you again and make you remember. I'll kiss you everytime I see you if I need to." Ngumiti siya. "Actually, I want to."

Naumid ang dila ko. "You don't... You can't... This isn't... I..."

Naglapat nang mariin ang mga labi niya.

"Do I make you anxious now?"

Lumunok ako.

"Don't forget my kiss. Think on it. Think about it. Think about me." Inabot niya ang pisngi ko at marahang hinaplos ng hinlalaki niya. Bawat salitang binibitawan niya ay parang utos. Parang hipnotismo. "Be anxious because of me. Worry for me. Tremble for me. Fall for me, too."

Masuyo siyang ngumiti pagkatapos. Suminghap naman ako.

"I can't... be with you today if you're like this," nagawa kong sabihin at binuksan ang pinto sa tagiliran ko.

Hinawakan niya ang palapulsuhan ko.

"Don't."

"I told you not to try something funny," sabi ko sa kanya, nakahawak pa rin sa pinto.

"Is this funny to you?" mabigat ang tono na tanong niya.

Hindi ako kumibo. My chest started to ache for him.

"Is this funny to you, Hannah?" tanong niya uli at bahagyang hinila ang kamay kong hawak niya. "Look at me."

Pumikit ako sandali bago lumingon.

He was sad. His eyes were.

"This is what I feel, Hannah. It's not something funny."

Alam ko naman iyon. Ramdam ko kaysa sa inaasahan ko. Pero paano ko gagawing posible na magkasama kaming dalawa ngayon na hindi sinasagasaan ang damdamin niya at hindi inaamin ang damdamin ko? Because I couldn't tell him that I already fall. I couldn't tell him that I already want an us.

"I need a friend today, Jeric," sabi ko na lang.

"I won't jump on you all day," he said. Parang nangungumbinse. "I'm still a friend."

Nanatili akong nakatitig sa kanya. What I really wanted was to cup his face in my palm and kiss him, too. I wanted to see him smile or smug. But if I do... If he get it that I love him, too, I'd ruin him.

Nagbuga ako ng hangin. "Okay."

"I'll try to be really sane," mas magaang sabi niya.

"Okay." Pinagsalikop ko ang mga kamay ko sa kandungan ko at bumulong. "Thank you."

Binuhay niya ang makina at nag-drive. #0255ma / 10122016