Indecision
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Nang dumating ako sa kwarto ni Zig, wala pa sina Tita Ritz at Tito Tim. Nakangiwi si Zig habang may inaabot sana sa side table. I rushed and held his stretched hand.

"May injury ka, 'di ba?" naiinis na sabi ko. "Umayos ka ng higa."

Napatingin siya sa'kin. Bahagyang ngumiti.

"You're here."

Napabuga ako ng hangin. Tahimik ko siyang inalalayan para bumalik sa pagkakahiga niya. Nakausap ko na ang doktor na tumingin sa kanya bago pa ako pumasok sa kwarto. I was told na bugbog ang lower back niya kaya hindi siya dapat na magkikilos bigla. May brace siya sa bandang tuhod dahil daw sa ligament tearing. Hindi naman daw seryoso but it needs caution para hindi lumala. May pasa at cuts din siya sa mukha dahil sa airbag.

"Hindi ka kasi sumasagot no'ng tinatawagan ka ng ospital," dagdag niya pa nang maupo na 'ko sa katabing upuan ng kama.

"It's two in the morning, Zig. Hindi ako basta magigising." But I was lying. When it comes to him, I always answer the phone. "At ano'ng inaabot mo sa mesa?"

Nakatitig siya sa'kin sa paraang naiilang ako. I haven't seen him in a while and seeing him like this made it harder to be mad. I wanted to be mad.

" 'Yung phone sana. Para tawagan ka."

We fell silent after his words. Nakatingin siya sa'kin habang nakababa ang mata ko sa cellphone ko sa kandungan ko.

The phone was silent. Busy pa rin siguro si JT. I wondered kung nagkita na sila ni Harry para sa ibinigay kong kape.

"Are you waiting for someone?" untag ni Zig.

"Ikaw? May hinihintay ka? May darating pa bang iba bukod sa'kin?" angil ko.

"No one, Hannah."

Hindi ako kumibo. I wished na dumating na sina Tita at Tito para lang maging mas madali ang makipag-usap sa kanya. I don't want us to talk about us. Not when he was like this.

"You're still mad," sabi niya.

Obviously. I couldn't just forget about that cheap girl who went to my workplace.

"I'm sorry, Hannah."

Nagtaas ako ng mukha para sana singhalan si Zig. But I was taken aback with his eyes. He looked... in pain.

He is a liar but I know when he is serious about something. And this apology, is his best.

"I'm really sorry."

Pinaglapat ko ang mga labi ko.

"I'm sorry that I'm no good at apologizing, too. I sincerely don't know what to do to appease you."

Nagbuga ako ng hangin.

"Hindi mo talaga alam dahil hindi pa tayo umabot sa ganito dati. Dati... itinatago ko lang kung ano ang alam ko. I just acted like a fool to deceive myself that we were okay." Tumitig ako sa kanya. "We're not okay, Zig."

"I know. I also know that it's my fault."

"Really? What is your fault?" hamon ko sa kanya.

Ibinaba niya ang paningin niya. "I played around."

His confession mummed me.

"I lied to you."

Nangunot ang noo ko and for an instant, I wanted to slap him. But I couldn't move.

"I neglected you."

Itinaas niya ang mata niya sa'kin. He is really apologizing this time.

"I know that no flowers can fix it. No date can compensate for it. I know that there's nothing I could do to take back every mistake I have made.

"I honestly don't know what else to do to get you to believe me how sorry I am. I'm sorry I'm a jerk, Hannah. You don't deserve any of the things I did behind your back. But..."

Kuminang ang mga mata niya sa pagbabanta ng luha. I held my breath.

"I love you, Hannah."

Everything felt very, very still to me. I'm used to Zig telling me he loves me. But this... is different. His words was written in his eyes. His words sent shivers to my spine.

His words felt... real.

I swallowed.

"I love you." Mapait na ngumiti si Zig. As if, he just told me something tragic. "I love you the way I don't want it to feel like."

"What..?" I barely heard my own voice.

"Naalala mo no'ng unang beses tayong nagkwentuhan nang matagal? No'ng anniversary nina Mommy at Daddy tapos isinama ka sa outing?"

Tumango lang ako. Buong pamilya ng Marquez ang umalis no'n. Invited si Papa. Isinama ako.

"I told you that I don't want a kind of love that would get out of control. It's scary. And I don't want to lose myself."

I remembered that night. Nakaupo kami sa isang open hut at nakatingala sa langit, beer in hand. I think that was the night I fell in love with him.

"I told you that if I fall for you, I will only love you enough that won't suffocate you..." Nangunot ang noo ni Zig. "It changed, Hannah."

I couldn't make sense of his words but he got my attention.

"My feelings got out of hand. You are too good. Too devoted. And I became afraid..."

Pakiramdam ko, ang bagal-bagal ng patak ng oras. At ang lalim ng boses ni Zig.

He was talking with his head bowed down as if he was saying something shameful. Nagtataas lang siya ng mukha minsan para i-check kung nakikinig pa ako.

"I'm afraid to lose you. But I'm also afraid to love you too much. Because nothing we ever loved stays the same. I don't know what to do if you will change first.

"So I tried... to be the one to change, first. I tried to divert my attention. To love you less. To see you less. To think about you less.

"It was a cowardly thing for me to do. But... I did it."

Napabuga ako ng hangin.

"Are you happy now? Kontento ka na sa ginawa mo?" masama ang loob na tanong ko sa kanya. What he was saying was probably true. It should be. Kilala ko si Zig pagdating sa ganitong bagay.

Umiling siya. "What should I do, Hannah? I really don't want to lose you."

His voice cracked and he gritted his teeth. Mabilis na pumatak ang luha sa mga mata niya.

Napatitig ako. For the first time since we meet, I don't know what to do with Zig.

"Ayokong tanungin ka kung masaya ka pa... alam kong hindi na."

Napatungo ako. My lips trembled and my tears fell.

"But could you not leave me, yet? Could you give me a chance to win you back? Could you give me time to make it up?"

Pumikit ako nang mariin. Masikip at masakit ang pintig ng puso ko sa marahang pag-iisa-isa ng pakiusap niya.

"Hannah..."

I don't know why I couldn't say anything to him. I didn't broke up with him because I was willing to give him a second chance. Why am I hesitating to say anything now?

"Give me a chance. Please..."

Sinalubong ko ang mga mata ni Zig. This was the first time after so long that we had an honest talk. I know the sincerity in his voice. I have heard it countless times.

He was sincere when he told me before not to expect a lot of things from him. He was sincere when he told me that he could only give me enough love. He was sincere back then when he refused to promise me anything impossible.

He was sincere now, too.

"Give me time to think about it," sabi ko at tumayo. Patalikod na 'ko nang maramdaman ko siyang humawak sa pulsuhan ko.

I turned around and saw him in pain. He was leaning forward para maabot ako.

"Baliw ka ba?! Ang sabi ng doktor, hindi pwedeng mabigla ang likod mo!" sigaw ko sa kanya.

Nakatitig siya sa mga mata ko.

"Don't leave, Hannah."

Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko kahit nasasaktan siya. May conviction sa mga mata niyang basa ng luha.

He was pleading.

"Okay..." mahinang sabi ko. "Okay."

Pero hindi pa rin siya bumitaw sa mga kamay ko.

" 'Yung likod mo..." Napabuntonghininga ako. "Hindi ako aalis. I'll stay with you here."

Tinanggal ko ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa pulsuhan ko at iniayos siya sa higaan.

" 'Wag kang galaw nang galaw," sabi ko.

"I'm sorry..." bulong niya. Nakatungo.

Hindi ako makatingin kay Zig. Bumalik ako sa upuan ko, kinuha ang panyo na nasa bag ko, at tinuyo ang luha sa mukha niya.

"I know you are," sabi ko sa kanya.

"We're not breaking up... right?"

Napalunok ako. Nag-iisip pa lang ako ng isasagot nang bumukas ang pinto ng silid at pumasok nang humahangos si Tita Ritz. Kasunod niya si Tito Tim.

"Don't leave," bulong ni Zig sa'kin bago ituon ang atensyon niya kay Tita.

Zig despised Tita Ritz' smothering affection. Kaya hindi na ako nagtaka nang halos mangiwi siya nang yakapin ni Tita sa pag-aalala.

Nangapa ang kamay ni Zig sa tagiliran ng higaan niya. He was looking for my hand.

Iniabot ko ang palad ko sa kanya. He held it tightly.

Pagdating sa mga magulang namin, parehas kami ni Zig na may disposisyong parang sa bata. I really couldn't leave him now.

I stayed with Zig until morning. Ni hindi sumilip sa kwarto si JT. #0829g / 10012016