Conflicted
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"What's happening, Hannah?" tanong ni JT sa'kin nang matagal akong mapatitig sa kanya. "You looked..."

I tried to read his expression but I only recognized amusement.

"You are joking," anunsyo ko. Kunot ang noo.

"Yes," sagot niya at nangiti.

He was? Again?

"Why do you have to do that?" asar na tanong ko. "I told you something like that is not a good joke!"

The fact that he could joke around about something that messes me up frustrates me. He confuses me.

"I'm sorry," seryosong sabi niya. Nawala ang ngiti.

"Don't do it again! Seriously! Don't do it again!"

"I won't do it again."

Nagbuga ako ng hangin para kumalma pero naiiyak ako. Why does it feels like this? Why is he affecting me when I don't even want to be stirred?

"I'm sorry," sabi niya uli at nagbaba ng tingin. "Seriously. I'm sorry."

Lumunok ako para maalis ang frustrations ko. But the bad feeling stayed.

"Zig apologized... kanina."

He didn't say anything.

"He's asking for a chance," patuloy ko. I'm sure I don't look good as I talk. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words. I don't know how to make sense of my own confusion. Ramdam ko kung gaano kagusot ang mukha ko.

"You're willing to give him a chance, right?" sabi niya.

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot. Nagtaas ako ng tingin sa kanya.

"He loves me," sabi ko.

Nakatitig lang si JT. His face, blank with whatever he was thinking about.

"I believe him," dagdag ko.

"Then what's the problem? Hindi naman kayo nag-break."

"I don't know. I'm... confused."

"But you're still going to give him a chance, right?"

"He pleaded..." I said, more to myself than him.

"That's something," aniya.

"Should I... give him a chance?" tanong ko kay JT.

Matagal siyang hindi sumagot, bago, "If he could make you happy this time, you should."

May nanlamig sa kaloob-looban ko. I couldn't point it out.

Naghinang ang mga mata namin.

"You waited for this, right, Hannah? You waited for Zig to come back."

Did I? Is this what I have been waiting for?

If it was, then why do I feel like crying?

JT patted my head while smiling a little.

"You'll be okay, Hamon," sabi niya.

If I gave Zig a chance, things will be in its usual place. We could try to save out relationship and our parents will be happy.

But JT's hand was warm in my head. His action, gentle. Each stroke he was making in my head became weights in my chest. Each gentle movement triggered my tears.

I bit my lower lip and cried.

"Be happy this time," sabi ni JT bago alisin ang kamay niya sa'kin. Tumayo siya. "I'll pay the bill. Finish your food."

He left our table.

***
Inihatid ako ni JT sa apartment at tinulungang kumuha ng mga gamit ko. Tapos, nagpunta kami sa bahay nila at kumuha naman ng gamit ni Zig.

Nasa ikalawa na ng hapon nang makabalik kami sa ospital bitbit ang dalawang malalaking totes. Sabi ni JT, Zig will be confined for a four to seven days.

All the time, JT looked like he could fall asleep anytime. Kung tama ang tantiya ko, lagpas bente kwatro oras na siya sa ospital.

"You should rest," sabi ko sa kanya habang naglalakad kami sa pasilyo papunta sa kwarto ni Zig.

"I will. Later."

Nang malapit na kami sa pinto, bumaling sa'kin si JT.

"I will be busier in the days to come so I might not be available online. Keep your prescription in mind. You should be sane," aniya.

"Hindi kita makakausap online?" tanong ko.

"Give me a few days, Hannah."

We stopped at the door.

I guess I looked anxious so he said, "You'll be busy enough with Zig. You won't even notice."

My rebuttals got stuck in my throat. Gaano siya kasigurado na hindi ko siya hahanap-hanapin?

"Kapag may problema, sabihin mo pa rin sa'kin. Okay?" bilin niya.

Tumango na lang ako. "Are you going to be okay?"

Ngumiti siya. "Concern ka, Hamon?"

"Yes," matapat na sagot ko.

"I will be. This has happened before, don't worry."

"Huh?"

"And you're my pagong... if I need to talk, you'll be the only one to go to," dugtong niya.

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

Nang pumasok kami sa kwarto ni Zig, hindi na uli nagsalita si JT. Naabutan namin sina Tita Ritz at Tito Tim doon. Nandon na rin sina Mama at Henny. Nag-uusap-usap sila.

Zig introduced JT to my family as the cousin, while I didn't even get to say anything about him. Tapos, nakalabas si JT ng kwarto na hindi namamalayan ng lahat.

Maliban sa'kin.

My eyes automatically follow his movements.

Yeah. Even my eyes is giving me a hard time now. # 0316ma / 10122016