"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein

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I am really looking forward to finally getting expelled from Hell today. Or at least at minimum getting suspended for the bloodbath I plan on having in PE class. Beause me and Captian Midnight? Yeah, we are so gonna dance with the Devil today.  

I know Chad well enough by now, that when he got the message I sent him through Corky, it's gonna drive him nuts. He is way too far into his world of cocky stupid bullshit to back down now. So he'll have to egg on the confrontation with me to save face in front of the mirror. Which is when I will push him right over the edge into Insanistan badlands. At which point, one of us is going to the hospital and the other to jail. 

But at least one way or another, this thing with Captian Midnight is going to be done today. Because pushing up on me is one thing, but endangering May with his bullshit? Yeah, I'm thinking death by misadventure does have a very nice ring to it after all.

Alas, poor Chad we knew him well ... all the dark voices in my head agree with me that this is a great idea. Except for El Diablo, who thinks we should handle our business on the sly, preferably with rusty razors.   

Except none of that happens the way that it is supposed to. Because as soon as I get to PE class, there is no trace of Captian Midnight to be had. Instead, I get good time Brad, the cool pool dude.

"Hey guys, I'm Brad Weston." Brad waves around the class like he is friendly, which seriously confuses the crap out of the cluster of freshmeat. 

It's only been a little more than a month since school started, so the freshmeat are already used to be hated for their stupidity. So when someone in authority is actually acting friendly towards them on purpose? Yeah, all that fake friendly is highly suspect. But then Brad looks right at me and doesn't even blink as he gives us the big news. 

"Okay everybody, so FYI Coach Collins sorta had some ...personal stuff come up?" He awe shucks this stupidity away with a shrug. "So yeah, he had to quit this morning. Which means that I am gonna be your substitute teacher coach guy for a while, maybe even the rest of the year? So any questions so far?" 

All the freshmen have suddenly perked up considerably. As Brad opens his arms widely to give the impression that he is, in fact, their savior from shower time. And not just the next guy in a long line of people who want to smack the crap out of them for being "so stupid new".  

"Okay great, no questions. So if it's alright with everyone here, I was gonna put one of you guys in charge of this class ...as your class leader guy? At least until I get the hang of the curriculum? So let me see..." I watch as Brad pretends to check the role sheet for the new "glorius leader". I already have a bad feeling exactly where he is headed with this whit.   

"Dean? You're the only upperclassman in this section, so you're the new class leader. Congrats."  He says with a completely straight face. "So Dean...what are we doing today?"

"You're serious? Chad ran?" I cannot believe I am being denied my shot at the title.

"Completely serious." Brad nods slowly for emphasis. "Coach Collins no longer works here anymore, as of this morning."

"And you're the new ...whatever?" I side eye good time Brad suspiciously.

"Correct-a-mundo. So what are we doing today, Dean?" He repeats as positively as possible.

"We could always go find Chad and wave farewell." I suggest to see how far he is willing to go with this farce. 

"To late, he's long gone." Brad shakes me off my farewell beat down. "So swim?"

Most of the freshmen groan because swimming in water also means showering again. Something which the freshmen apparently abhor more than anything.  

"Dean ...dude ...basketball ...please?" Brother Lee's hisses slowly behind me. All the hopeful heads nodding around me are pleading to save them from the dreaded soap and water.

"Basketball then." I nod and eye Brad to see where this is going.

"Okay, then basketball it is." Brad smiles and then looks around like he is lost. "So anyone know where they keep the basketballs at?"

"Next to the Coach's office in the ball cage," Lee announces confidently.

"Okay well, you seem to know what you're doing. So why don't you pick some guys to go get the balls and start doing the basketball thing?" Brad waves ot in the general direction of where he must assume basketball happens. "While Dean and I have a quick word about some ...leadership stuff."

"Lee take whoever and take your time." I nod over to Abrams and Sporka. 

Brad draws me off to the side out of earshot of the herd of confused freshmeat, and drops the super friendly down a notch to just best buds.

"What the hell is this bullshit, Brad?" I eye Brad's friendly suspiciously. 

"Okay, just so you know whats going on. Buzzy canned Chad this morning because of his unprofessional behavior, and he is seriously pissed off." Brad frowns down at his flip-flops. "So if you get any static from that idiot? Or you have any problems with his brother Corky or any of the others? You come find me or Buzzy and we'll deal with it. That's what we're here for."

"Seriously? Since when?" I smirk razors right back at his positive attitude.

"Yeah, seriously." Brad nods ignoring the insult. "And just so you know ...I was the one that pulled your school file, not Buzzy. But I think Buzzy already knew something about your ...situation ...a long time ago. But he never said anything to anyone."

"So it was you who sent the stupid sharks sideways at me?" My eyes narrow hard into Brad.

"Not a chance." He immediately shakes me off that tact. "All I wanted to do was get a hold of your old high school swim coach. Convince him to intervene on our behalf and get you back in the water swimming competitively, where you belong."

"That's total bullshit, I never swam at school." I shake off the stupidity of this excuse. "Hell, we didn't even have a pool at my old school, we had the ocean." 

"Yeah, and we know that now." Brad sighs sadly. "Found that out the hard way. But not before Chad somehow got a peek at your file, and found out about your mom's...situation?"

"What's in my file that has anything to do with my mother?" Because according to Sunny she fixed my school file before it came north, so that it looked like I was all kinds of nice. 

"There was something about only contacting your aunt? Because your mom got into an argument with one of your teachers your freshmen year?" He rocks back on his heels like he expected me to explode over this news.

Ah, devilish good times with Donna Momma rearing their ugly heads once more.      

Oh yeah, I definitely remember that fun time. Donna Momma showed up to parent-teacher night half hammered off her ass. Then proceeded to get pissed off when Teacher 23 pointed out that she should actually try to parent from time to time. And that did not go over well with a prehab druggie drunk in between hangovers.

If I remember correctly Donna Momma's response to parenting was something along the lines of: "Yeah right, Dynamite!?! Cause from where I'm flying by, that sounds a lot like 'a your problem' problem? You know...one of those things that you get paid to deal with, and naw'not a my mine." 

Sadly this argument also ended with her parenting philosophy, "Could be worse...at least he's not on drugs." Which, and I am sorry to say, would have been a great tombstone motto, in my humble opine. 

Which not coincidentally is exactly what Donna Momma said to one of my teachers during a particularly eye-opening MPTC, mandatory parent-teacher conference. The MPTC was a direct result of me chocking out a skinhead kid unconscious and right off of his seat and onto the floor. Where he lay in a puddle of his own urine for five minutes until Teacher Room 23 realize her mistake of changing my seat from the back of the room where all the Setter kids sat.

I'm pretty sure it was after that that Teacher Room 23 pointed out to the principal, after that particularly brutal MPTC moment with Donna Momma. "That I was very violent semi-functional wreck of a kid, being raised by an alcoholic pill popping single widow mother ...possible bi-polar skizo crazy cakes. And we should totally do something about that!" Aka the "There that will show them!"  note in my school file.

"Look man, I can see that you're still seriously pissed off." Brad interrupts the voices in my head recalling the loving memories of parenting past. "So for what it's worth I am really sorry. But it was me who pulled your file, not Buzzy. I am the one that screwed up. So if your gonna blame someone...just blame the right guy."

"But Buzzard fired the Cap't, not you?" I eye him cold in his lie. "Why?"

"Cause Chad not only acted like a completely unprofessional prick. But then he tried to lie his way out of shit on top of it as usual. Just like he's tried to lie his way out of a lot of things, starting with his engagement." Brad snorts off the stupid. "You worked with him for long enough this summer to figure out his priority program, right?"

"Yeah, I got that idiots number by day one." I grudgingly agree.

"Then try having to deal with that jackass for the last three years and not want to fire him?" Brad shrugs like this makes any sense at all. "Okay...so we good? Questions?"

"What I am trying to figure out is what you thought pulling my file was gonna do for you?" I call dingo on this bullshit.

"You're faster in the water than I ever was, and I went to college on these legs. Never fast enough to be a serious Olympic hopeful, but I got a decent education out of it. And so could you...easily."  Brad smiles super positively like this is a great idea.

"Cause right now you can go faster than I ever could. You're that good, doing something you already know how to do better than anyone I've ever seen. Plus you get a free ride to college and maybe more? That's easy math in my book. But no pressure, just think about it."

"Nice try, Brad. But that's never gonna happen, dude." I can see this deflate Brad's "can we be cool now" persona. "I appreciate you coming clean ...but Buzzy?"

"Yeah, I've seen just about all I ever want to see of that Plunger bullshit to last a lifetime. I wouldn't voluntarily piss on either Buzzy or Chad if they were on fire." I snort. "Although I might piss on you, Brad. You know cause we are so cool?"

"Yeah, we pretty much got that." Brad smiles his awe-shucks smile. "So can we be at least cool for now, doing this PE class thing, right?"

"I don't know, I guess we see how things roll." I shrug him off.

"Any suggestions on what to do with these kids? They look ...lost?" Brad eyes over to the cluster of clearly confused freshmeat. Just standing around looking all kinds of "so stupid new" it almost hurts.

"Dude, think about it? They had Chad as their constant nightmare for their first month of high school." I shake my head. "So obviously they're all completely flocking traumatized, and none of them ever want to take a shower again. So they're happy to do what you tell them to at this point ...just so long as they don't have to take a shower for you afterwards. Cause Captian Midnight just loved telling everyone to hit the showers. I think they all thought he was going to rape them?"

"Com'on man." Brad sighs, clearly not wanting to defend his former plunger buddy...again. "Chad's a douche for sure, but we both know that Chad isn't a pedophile. He's a Milf chaser, always has been. "

"I know that and you know that. But try explaining to a bunch of freshman?" I point out the obvious error in his thinking. "That the douchy dude who keeps telling them to take a shower? Then struts through the locker room smiling at them in the shower like a sick serial killer. Try telling them that sickly smiling psycho has no ill intentions?"

"Good point." Brad rolls his head around trying to find a thought. "So can you just tell them what to do for a while? While I am just gonna just hang back and call time with ten minutes to go? Cool?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." I sigh sadly at the lost chance of new Captian Midnight tooth necklace, that just slipped thru my fingers. That would have been a valuable collector's item for sure, at least for my Satan Gang swim team.

"So anything else about these kids I should know?" Brad tries to change the subject hopefully.

I pause for a second watching the cluster of freshmeat flocks shift around aimlessly awaiting the return of Brother Lee's and the basketballs. So I decide to test just how committed Brad is to these new pool rules he is proselytizing.

"That tall Celestial kid Lee's, the one you sent for the basketballs?" I nod towards Brother Lee's emerging from the coaches office dribbling two basketballs like a Globetrotter.

"Okay, what about him?" Brad shrugs.

"Yeah, he can't swim." I shrug back, "So, of course, Chad ridiculed the shit out of him for not knowing how to swim. Never once offered to teach him, or even bothered to ask the kid if he wanted to learn? Chad just went off on him in front of the others. I know his sister a little and got the distinct feeling no one in his entire family knows how to swim either."

"So Captain Midnight strikes again." Brad rolls his eyes up at the unforgiving morning sun.

"That other kid next to him with the bushy hair has a serious asthma issue." I nod to Abrams. "Chad failed him on the fitness exam in the pool because he couldn't breathe right with the chlorine without his inhaler. And again Chad went off and was screaming at him for trying to cheat the test. Rather than save himself from drowning during a full-on asthma attack during the proficiency test."

"Did he tell anyone he had asthma?" Brad is suddenly interested in this fact.

Which I am guessing it has something to do with telling a new story now, about how Chad got fired. To be honest, I like the new version better, because it doesn't have my name in it ...and more importantly May's.

"Probably, but you'd have to ask him yourself."  I nudge Brad into the oncoming traffic. 

"What's his name again?" Brad looks down his sheet.

"Don't bother." I whistle the frizzy kid over to us, and away from the team picking pecking order already going on. "Abrams ...get over here!"  

"Hey, Dean. What's up man?" Abrams is looking all kinds of concerned to have been just singled out of the flock of freshmeat.

"You told Chad you had asthma before that thing in the pool ...right?" I nod exaggeratedly so Abrams gets the point.

"Oh god, please tell me that's not the reason he quit?" Abrams is now thinking his mother actually did call and kvetched out the school again.

"No, like I told you guys earlier, Coach Collins left for personal reasons." Brad tries the new lie out to see what it tastes like. "I just want to know more about your asthma issue."

"So maybe we can bypass you retaking the water exam and just pass you on..." Brad stalls trying to think of something to say that makes everything okay.

"...on a medical cause." I add unhelpfully finishing his thinking time out.

"Then yeah, I told Coach Collins I had asthma. He said to just have my inhaler handy. But when I asked him how I was supposed to do that in speedos? He just said I should shove in my butt?"

I know that Abrams is a lying his ass off now, but I sorta like the lovable little looser a slightly more for it. Yeah, turns out that ol Captian Midnight made a lot of enemies in his short time in Level 1 PE, and not just me.

"Then he called me a cheating Jew..." Abrams starts improvising on an already stupid story.

"...but he's a Methodist." I put a stop the bullshit before Abrams' mouth lies us all into a bigger problem for a discrimination complaint. The fact that Cap't Midnight is gone is good enough for now, there's no need to add more fuel to that funeral pyre fire.

"Okay, Abraham..." Brad frowns at his class list not finding an Abraham. "Thanks for letting me know about you asthma thing. I'll get back at you and see if I can get you a pass on your swimming for medical reasons. Okay?"

"Actually he can pass it on his own without doing the paperwork." I roll my eyes at Abrams. "Just have him retake the examination. But the day before the chemicals go into the pool, instead of the morning of? That should cut down on his reaction to the chlorine."

"Your cert'ed as a basic water instructor, right?" Brad muses over at me.

"Yeah?" I scowl back to see where this whit is headed.

"Then you can do it tomorrow. Here's a copy of the pool keys." Brad tosses my old Plunge keys at me. "Have him retake the test and let me know that he passed."

"Oh, and from now on don't waste your time in here running laps and playing whatever ball with the babies? You just hit the pool and go swim. Oh, and take that other one that can't swim with you if he wants, and try to see if you can teach him something. That will give me a chance to get to know my new class."

"Riiight," I nod Abrams away from the adult conversation. "Go away and play ball with Brother Lee's and them."

"So while we are on the topic..." Brad starts to smile. 

"I still won't swim for you and Buzzy." I negate that thought right away.

"Yeah, I got that." Brad accepts the inevitable. "But at least do something productive like teaching that Lee's kid how to swim? Maybe so he can teach his younger brothers and sisters, if he has them? Maybe that alone will somehow make up for a month with Chad."

"You're gonna use the inhaler thing to justify firing him now, aren't you?" I easily put the pieces together.

"No need, like I said, he's long gone. But I am going to use that to make sure he doesn't get another job around kids again." Brad loses a shade of his good guy charm. "We both know that he should never be in a position of authority around kids again."

"So this asthma thing with the Jewish/Methodist kid? That's the perfect story to tell anyone who calls us looking to confirm a reference. Cause it happens to be exactly the kind of thing you quit before getting fired for. One that you will never be given a chance to explain away." Brad cocks his head to the side to think this through. "The idiot seriously said '...just put it up your butt...' to that kid?" 

"Don't know, wasn't there." I shrug, even though I know damn well Abrams wasn't wearing Speedos. He was in fact, wearing those dog-awful yellow Sponge Bob trunks two sizes too big. "Although it does sound like something Chad would say."

"Actually, it sounds exactly like something he would say." Brad smiles slowly. "So we cool?"

"No." I snort in retort. "But we're getting closer to chill."

"Cool." Brad smiles along because he does really have a thing about being "cool" with everyone. "Oh, and I have to ask ...so what's the deal with all the scary tribal tattoo's?"

"The deal is that you need to mind your own business Brad, and stop looking at boys in the locker room showers." I dead eye Brad back. "Because bad things happen to PE teachers who look at little boys in the shower. Just ask your buddy Captain Midnight all about that."

"Very valid point. Why dont you just go swim or something?" Brad walks off without another word.

So that was how PE class with Brad became my personal water time for the rest of my stay in San Fall. Also how Brother Lee's finally learn to swim. All thanks to Captain Midnight! Who ever said that hate doesn't pay? 

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