**** Monachopsis - nagging subtle feeling of being out of place / not fitting in ****

I sat alone on the couch, watching everyone interacting and seemingly having the time of their lives. Alcohol, drugs, dancing, pounding music and strobing lights, it was easy to get lost in their acts. But if you caught sight of their eyes, saw them when no one was looking, that's when you saw how they really felt.

Angry. Broken. Upset. Tired. So goddamn tired.

I wondered if I looked that way. Probably, though not as intense as them, I'd assume. I could fool myself into thinking that I knew Jin because of the dreams, but truly I didn't. I had no right to try and say I felt the same way as them. It was a sham.

They all belonged here. You could tell that they fit together perfectly. They were a family. A true, selected, wanted family. They had chosen each other, and that made them even more invested in each other. They were all great friends, though some were closer than others, as this always occurs in friend groups.

Especially with the gang, they all had their set jobs, their specialties.

Namjoon led them all with an iron fist, the poster child for a great gang leaders. He had the authority, but he was kind enough that they respected him and would never betray him. He perfectly balanced the line between friend and leader. He found a middle ground, and whenever someone was leaning a little too close to friend, he easily reminded them that he was the boss. He was smart, charismatic, and easily swayed people to his cause. He could recruit anyone to join him with a few of his eloquent words and intimate eyes.

J-Hope was the mastermind behind the plots. He consulted with Namjoon, but he was the one who decided what we should do, when to attack, and who to go after. He plotted everything out perfectly. He always selected the best jobs, and he was meticulous in each and every back up plan and potential problems to be solved and worked through. His mind was a brilliant place. Remembering his tortured face, I realize that his mind must also be a dreadful place.

Jimin could sweet talk his way into or out of anything, with his impressive strength and sweet, deviously angelic face. Whether he was flirting or intimidating, nothing was impossible for him to reach. Except for my pants, as Star would teasingly say. He was manipulative in the best way; you wouldn't even notice he was manipulating you until he was long gone with your money and anything worth taking. He was a little cherub, who would suspect him? Nobody. It was perfect.

V executed and enforced his jobs flawlessly, and he could take care of any problems with the job, be it a somebody or a something. He was fearsome to be reckoned with. You wouldn't expect it if you saw his charismatic smile and funny demeanors, but when he was all business, it was best to follow his every order if you wanted to keep your insides from becoming outsides.

Jungkook was great at interrogating. His childish charm was usually enough to have the people confessing in no time. And if they didn't, well, then they would learn just how dangerously grown up he really was. He could go from sweet and innocent to dangerous and commanding in a split second, and God did he love to do it.

Suga was rightfully referred to as the Silencer. If there was anyone who was a potential danger to the group, Suga was the one to take care of it. If someone so much as whispered about betraying or exposing Bangtan, Suga was there in an instant, convincing them otherwise. When he was finished with them, we could be sure that the person wouldn't be a problem anymore. Whether it was because they weren't alive to tell, well, it didn't matter to us, so long as we were safe.

Angel was, as namesake offered, angelic. She could help with interrogations when Jungkook wasn't available, though usually they did it together. Then they could do the whole good cop bad cop thing, or they took turns easily getting the person to spill their every secret since second grade. She was even better at being innocent than he was. She used her innocent demeanor to weasel information out, and it helped when the people in question were sleepy males, as they'd say anything to get her attention. Oh, Jungkook just loved that, I can attest.

And me? What was I good for?

I did everything well enough I suppose, of course. But I wasn't the best at any of them, not even close.

I was tough; Suga was tougher.

I was ruthless; V already took that title.

I was intimidating; so was everyone else.

I didn't have a set identity in the group, and I wasn't sure I could find one in time.

I was worried they'd realize I didn't add anything substantial to the group. I was scared they'd want to kick me out.

It poisoned my mind.

I didn't feel like I was deserving part of this group. It felt like I was mooching off of the others; I felt as if I was taking their victories and making them mine when I didn't have a big part in any of them.

It was embarrassing. It was disgraceful. It wasn't fair to the others for me to pretend I was on the same level as they were. It was disgusting.

And it was my curse.

I wanted to break it.

Starting today, I would find what made me a deserving part of this group. I had to do this. I had to get a way to gain my rightful place and status in this group.

I had to earn my namesake.

Feeling determined but still put off, I made my way to the bedroom, curling myself into the covers as the muffled sound of the party outside fell away as I fell into sleep.