**** Anemoia - nostalgia for a time never known. Picture is of my backyard. It's not important I just thought it was pretty. ****

I woke up, still safely wrapped up in Namjoon's arms. Save for our little trip to paradise, it was the first time I had woken up with Namjoon still here with me.

It felt like as soon as I was asleep he would slip away in secret. Maybe he felt like it was the only time he could grieve. I could see him thinking that. Stinking bloke, always trying to be all tough when he really didn't need to be.

He had this whole act down to a peg, hardly any fault in it. I knew he would keep this act up even when it killed him. He was strong, and his pride was something to be reckoned with, but even he must feel the need to share his feelings every once in a while.

Surely he had to learn that there was nothing wrong with being honest - it wouldn't make him weak or anything of that sort. He had to learn that he didn't always have to be the strong one. Sometimes he could be the one being comforted, even just once, instead of the one doing the comforting.

I had come to realize that he put up a front just like all the others, maybe even more so for him. He must think that, as the leader, the boss, he was the one they all looked to for guidance and comfort. He probably felt that he had to keep up a tough man act so that the others would feel more comfortable and safe.

There was still so much I didn't know, and I didn't know how I could even begin to find a way to learn about what had happened to these boys. There was a lot going on here, and all I had was a picture of Jin and a bunch of dreams with a possible dead boy in them talking to me, telling me things.

If I told anyone about the dreams, they'd probably take the drugs away from me and put me on detox or some shit like that. But I couldn't explain it. This wasn't some weird trip or alcohol-induced hysteria. It felt real, and it made sense.

Either I was a creative genius that was filling in the holes of this mystery with a few select made-up ideas, or somehow Jin was really communicating with me, from wherever it was that he went. I don't know which one is more implausible at this point.

Now, I had no idea whether I believed in the supernatural or not, but I liked the idea of ghosts being able communicate with the living in order to help. I'd always been fascinated with the concept of ghosts helping in their death cases or ghosts helping future victims. The thought of having an impact on people even after death made dying not as scary.

Death itself didn't scare me, but leaving people behind, and being completely unsure about what I'm going into. I didn't know myself now, but to think of going to a place completely and utterly unknown to me, well, the thought alone terrified me beyond belief.

I didn't even like going to the supermarket by myself, and to think of leaving behind everything I know and going somewhere completely unknown and utterly alone, well, there wasn't many things that were scarier to me than that exact thought.

It was a tough life to live, and I was learning this more and more every day. But I couldn't really do much about it, just make the best of it.

I snuggled closer to Namjoon, feeling a little better once I felt his hands instinctually tighten around me.

I didn't want to open my eyes and see the brokenness in this world. Instead, I kept them closed and imagined that we were in the house in Namsan Park. Hell, I wish that we all lived there, everyone.

I wish we had enough money to have honest lives, wish that we were content and happy. I wish that we could walk the path every day and enjoy the flowers, appreciate the beauty in life and cherish what we had. I wish above all that we were happy. All of us.

I wish that we all had no troubled past, no traumatic event to ruin our contentedness. I wish that we didn't know the harsh truths, the sad reality of life.

I miss the time of innocence that we all found in childhood. I miss the simplicity of infancy. But then, even as a child, life was bad, life was uncomfortable. I had always had a lingering sick distaste for life. And now, it had grown to be all of me. There was nothing good in this sick life.

But then, that's not true. There was still some good in it. The people, mainly. J-Hope, V, Jungkook, Jimin, Suga, Star, Namjoon, and Angel. They were all good, wonderful. They were the good in my life, the only good.

I longed for a simpler time than this. Though I had never experienced it, I wished for a time without all this pain and worry and discontent, this fixation with destruction and hard displeasure.

I wished for a time where I could sleep easy with no strange dead boys that I never knew haunting me. I wished for a time where I didn't even know of the catastrophic effects of death. I wished for a time without the need for a gang.

I missed the times where I could walk the street easy, not even thinking about the nasty things that could've happened then, nor the nasty things that no doubt were bound to happen there.

I wanted to live in a world and a place where I didn't even think of this, any of this. I wanted to live in a world where nasty, violent thoughts didn't even enter my mind, where I didn't even dream of thinking anything out of the realm of happy, well-meaning thoughts.

I missed living without feeling uneasy or unhappy about anything. I missed waking up and being glad to actually wake up. I missed the time to be happy to walk the streets, to wake up and feel myself all filled up to brim with life.

I missed all of it.

And yet, I was missing something that I had never known in my conscious existence.