Leaving him

It was at the age of ten when I got to know what it was like to be awake the whole night when the majority of the world was sleeping and you are the only one with this unwanted ability to stay put and venture into another world, world of the negative overthinking mind.
Once you enter there's no way out of it. The spiral fall of negative thoughts just gets deeper and deeper, the more you feel and believe in them.

Back then, I didn't know what bullying was, one doesn't actually know something unless they themselves go through it.
I came back home from school feeling sick of myself feeling like it was my fault it was something with me, because of me that people disliked me, passed mean comments about my body weight. It was like what they said was real maybe I was doing something wrong that I didn't know about....and after that night, it was then every night thought processing.
I would jot down all the things that made other laugh at me all the ways I could become right and improve myself. Those thoughts kept me up at late nights sometimes I wanted to shut them off but they won't because they had imbibed themselves in me even if I didn't want to think but I found myself repeatedly thinking of ways to make myself likable. I used to count the minutes, hours while I stayed awake to put away those thoughts at the leash.
Those years were hard, I struggled and overcame them by becoming cold, distant, and having big walls of insecurities type of person.

Because honestly speaking, no one comes out unharmed after dealing with shits in their life. Some grow and wear those battle scars with proudness while some hide them and live under the fear of getting hurt again.

Either way, we all have scars we all are stained.

And here, I was ready to drop all my guards down and get hurt again.

Sahil was a scar

Another, painful and unforgettable scar.

He reminded me of my middle school self the bullied girl staying put all night counting time. Caught up in the war of right and wrong.

I didn't want to go through it again. The entire process along with Aarav's loss. I have had my fair share of bad days. I didn't want more of them. I wanted to be okay. I didn't want to be tangled distorted in the same self despise and afraid to get out of my home phase again.

I can't afford either to hate or love him

I just had had to let him go

Even though, I forever regret the way I did

He didn't deserve better but he didn't deserve any worse

I still love him so much

I still hate him so much

I still miss him

And yeah, like all the other memories(meeting, knowing, loving)

I regret leaving him too.

I wish I could turn back time and correct them all...

Chapter 1 ~ '"he completes me, I need him to feel well"

>>>>>

Soumya stared at me with a pleading expression
"I am sorry for what happened with Aarav, Serra, he didn't deserve that I should have done more for him or I should have acted less selfish than just caring about myself. I- I am as affected as anyone of you all with this tragedy. I can't make it right but I will help you in whatever way you want me to you want revenge for what happened with him I will help you with that. I will go against my childhood friends I would even let you hurt Sahil but once this all is over you will leave us alone. You will leave us hurt, broken and .. whatever miserable set of people we are, you will leave us to be. .. you will be out of our life Serra you are a painful memory for us of something we did in our past we regret so much about it and we all have suffered equally we want to move on with our life, please let us do that, Serra"

I gulped gripping the edge of my seat I have no idea how much longer I could survive this.. these continuous waves of distress and painful ordeals in my life. I can never get a break from them.

"Excuse me" I whispered getting up, walking and stumbling my way to the restroom. Once I got inside one of the stalls, I fell back against the door wrapping my arms around my waist, there I had the nth breakdown on the restroom floor of the cafe at eight in the morning.

Let's replay the meeting I had with Soumya in the morning

<<<<<<<<<

"Sorry for randomly showing up at your house" Soumya apologized carefully placing her vanilla teacup down.

I stirred the cream on my latte listening to her half attentively. Why she showed up on the doorstep of my house? How does she know where I live? These thoughts were nowhere the reason for my anxiousness and worry. The moment my mother said there's someone outside our house who wants to meet you. I dashed downstairs without any second thought that it could of course be someone else other than. .. other than Sahil.

Last night, when he left properly from the door and I properly held myself from stopping him again. I didn't sleep that night replaying, again and again, his words his unshakeable expression when he said, "this is not the end" he must've had noticed my fallen face my coiled up tensed self and just how much it tore me apart to watch him leave and knowing one of these days it would happen for real, for once and all.

I was deflated by the weight of disappointment when I found it was Soumya, I wasn't even least bothered by some actual possible fact that she knew her boyfriend was with me last night.

That deep I had fallen for him,

Soumya's delicate face crumpled seeing a lack of any response from my side taking it that way, I was angry at her

"Nope, it's alright.. actually I wanted to get some fresh air" I waved my hand letting her know it was all fine.

She nodded politely

It didn't help much with the awkwardness in the air. I quickly started stirring my coffee, the sound of the spoon hitting against the cup clung loudly, her glance at my way when she was trying so hard to not look at me, made me cringe.

I noticed there was way too much awkwardness between us we trying to avoid eye contact or was it only me?
I tried to look past her at the cafe's window with the early morning road view. A shirtless man was running down.

I cringed more, coughing.

Soumya started "Umm..Serra you left the apartment suddenly...I don't mind.. I mean yeah well I do think that it was kinda nice having more people there but I am more glad that things are back to normal" her face flushed she hurried to cover it, "No not in a bad way...We-- actually we don't know each other well you are not that interested...Oh God, why's this so awkward!?"

Oh, tell me about it.

I managed to put a small forced smile, "you know I understand, I was an outsider you guys have known each other since childhood...I am actually sorry for intruding"

She shook her head at once, "no you weren't intruding, Serra, you are so nice"

I pursed my lips in protest, she won't call me nice when she knows

I kissed her boyfriend not once but twice

Or was it thrice?

Soumya continued,
"I feel bad for not being able to do something for you. It was obvious you didn't want to be there, it was obvious that you were the girl that Sahil had been looking for" she looked away mumbling the last line expecting I didn't hear her.

I wasn't even surprised that she knew it, it was like everybody knew I was Selena leaving Selena herself.

The joke was on me now

"I knew it," she focussed on me when I remained as impassive as one shouldn't be when told they knew your secret.

"I just want to know is it out in public with big freaking breaking news headlines?" I half-joked.

She eyed me weirdly, "nope it isn't, I just knew I mean Sahil has been friendly with girls before never nothing serious type... he never... you know follows them around or brings them to his apartment and then suddenly shows extra care towards me just because he's worried that I will find out what's happening right in front of my eyes"

Now I was taken aback, I opened my mouth immediately to explain the circumstances I was put into I was -- I wasn't sorry ... I don't know how I let it happen? I shut my mouth I have no explanation, no regret.

The blame was mutual.

"I don't want to listen to what you have to say, Serra, what happened between you two or what's going on or why it happened... I can't hear that" she tapped her fit bit band when it beeped she winced lightly," I am just content that it ended" she empathized the last sentence eyeing me with hard eyes.

I studied her properly kinda have respect for her to warn me considering her condition.

She took a slow sip from her tea gracefully she put it down as if she had all-time in the world when actually she was preparing herself for what she was going to say, she spoke with a shaking voice
"Aarav and I were classmates, it was me who came to him and was ready to take your place, to be the girl whom Sahil want" she cast her eyes down that were filled with tears, "you would think why I would choose to make myself suffer for a boy who doesn't even care about me so forget about loving me.
I have a few years with me, I would barely be able to make it to my 20's so why suffer my numbered days like this when I could live the rest of the years in doing things that make me happy. Traveling, fulfilling my dreams anything and everything that I can afford to do. But, one doesn't choose misery to actually be sad, one doesn't do bad things just because they are bad, one does it only in search of happiness. And everybody has a different cause for happiness. Mine is Sahil."

Why did, it hurt so much?

Why did, her letting it all out how she feels, hurt so much?

Why did, her wounded but still fighting spirit hurt so much?

Because I could never do that

Not before

Not today

Not ever

Confess loudly my love for someone

"I met him when I was 12, I was sick. I have been sick since I can't even remember. It doesn't even bother me much now because I will never know what it is like to have a healthy body. To eat, to run, to walk miles, to cry, and to laugh my heart out..... those moments, I would never experience without having a doctor on my speed dial. So yep I think that's how I am supposed to live. So when I turned 12, I wasn't much excited about celebrating my Birthday, I hardly even look 8 and it would be such a pitiful side to see the birthday girl in the wheelchair.

But, my parents wanted to see me happy wanted to make me feel like other kids that I was no different than them, so never mind my shaking hands I could barely lift the knife. I couldn't cut the cake I couldn't eat the cake. I couldn't wear my favorite dress without having it cover my bony frame. I just couldn't do anything. Not on my birthday not on regular days. My birthday was actually turning into the worst day of my life because that day I felt more of my illness and my inability.
When I had enough I thought of jumping into the swimming pool and never come out to have people spectating and pitying me. Yay to me I could do nothing but stare at the pool with teary eyes. My vision was obstructed when he came. Sahil." She said his name with a big smile when she narrated further on,

"I still remember him walking to me in that blue tuxedo looking like some prince charming. He saw me eyeing the pool and asked "birthday girl care for a dive? I am looking for a partner who could company me as you know I am scared of water, wait you didn't know...." He said uncomfortably. He shuddered eyeing the pool and even hid behind my chair. I laughed for the first time that day. With his smooth talks and acts, he got me in the pool but he stayed behind he helped me when I feared I would die from cold.
You don't know, Serra how paranoid I was back then. For sick people like us, it felt as if the smallest to smallest things could harm and kill us. He broke that fear on that day by twirling me around, splashing water and that one hour became the highlight of my day. Even though, later on, I was rendered to bed for weeks with hypothermia. I was looking forward to meeting him again I was looking forward to knowing him more. I told my dad I want to be in his class when I found out he was in my school. I told my dad I want to be friends with him my dad was ready to give the world to me just to keep the smile on my face. Sahil's Dad and mine they became business partners and then family friends and from then Sahil and I have been together, no matter what he says he does care about me and loves me than anyone could see or understand
I know he has done bad things but he's hurting he doesn't know how to deal with it. I will fix him, I will accept him in, either way, I will forgive and love him always. I will not leave him, Serra I can't," she covered her face and her slim shoulders shook with her desperate sobbing, "he completes me he makes me feel enough and well. I need him for that" she said wiping her face. Even crying she looked so beautiful how can anyone refuse anything to someone who looks so ready to give anything in return like her very life depended on it I clasped my lower lip and looked out the window again now my eyes welling too.

This wasn't fair

She wasn't being fair with me. What about me? Didn't I love him too?

Oh God, what's wrong with me I don't want him!
His life is more messed up than mine

•
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•
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So this was how I ended up here....

Doing everything in my power, I somehow calmed myself washing my face gathered up my pieces yet again, and made myself ready to tackle this problem because the other option was just crying on and on at how unfair life has been to me... If complaining and comparing could ever solve problems then I would have been the champion of handling problems in my life till now.

I was done with that step and honestly bored of crying..yep...bored
I dialed Zoya's number. She picked up after the third ring.

"Hey, girl long time no talk I was growing restless to know what happened with Dash and you? Did you guys..." She babbled while I struggled to remember who the hell was Dash while fixing my hair.

Oh, wait was it..?

My face twisted when the tall fair guy with tattoos and piercing flashed in the back of my mind glaring down at me.

As if furious that I forgot him.

I gave a sheepish expression to the imaginary Dhruv.

God, it had been only two days since Dhruv and I had an unexpected ride to institution/running into stupid evil Nadia / cute but annoying baby trouble trip.

I rubbed my forehead when a reluctant smile even at this state crawled over my face. It felt like those things happened in some parallel universe. Or was it just a weird but painless dream now I was pulled back to the cruel reality of my constant sad life

Zoya continued on the other line, "so what base are you guys on?"

"Base?" I frowned focussing back on what she was saying.

"Yes base, you and Dash? First base, second base-

"Zoya stop" I cut her off sighing she should stop shipping us, the last thing I want in my life was being shipped when I was way too underwater, "there's no Dhruv and I"

Or Sahil and I

Or Aarav and I

There's just I

The miserable with my enemy's sobbing girlfriend out whom I and my enemy cheated on and technically she knows about it but don't care much actually because she loves him unconditionally

And more than me

The sad me

"You sure about that?" Zoya confirmed doubtfully.

"100%," I said while I shook my head sulking.

With Sahil, I can never be sure about anything

"But you guys kissed?"

"We did but it doesn't matter you know he has a girlfriend and she's sick and unconditionally in love with him and she wants me to leave them when you know it was them who dragged me into this ...ah..it is very messed up .you won't get it even I don't get it!" Frustrated/sad I kicked the door of the adjacent stall.

"Get your shit together girl!" The person in it shouted, angry.

"Dash has a girlfriend? Ahh she's sweet but psycho type of girlfriend"

"Dhruv? " I frowned, "why are you asking about that? And how would I know"

"But you said he has a girlfriend and she loves him-

"No! Zoya I said Sahil has a girlfriend stay in the loop!!"

"So you kissed Sahil also!?"

"What do you mean Sahil also?"

"You didn't kiss Dhruv?"

"It was a misunderstanding I took him for Sahil." I shook my head remembering, "but wait how do you know?"

"I just guessed it! Bingo!...so something is going on with that Sahil then with Dash too. damn you are on a roll girl going on kissing the hottest boys in the town .. anyway.. trust my instincts I think Sahil is a Heartbreaker type. And they are the worst kinda guys out there, they make you feel special just to break your heart"

I stayed silent the reasons only add up as to why I should give up on him.

But the heart wants what it wants.

Ah, I get you Selena now.

I changed the topic with a heavy heart "Zoya I need help regarding my revenge"

"What revenge? You are still going for that revenge scheme.. see Serra it's just too late for that and what I personally think is, unrequired if you are up to sending those guys behind bars then that certainly isn't much impactful the guys belong to some powerful family they will eventually get them off the hook in a blink of an eye it will only worsen you be putting Aarav in a bad light. And you know our country's judicial system you will grow 80 when you could actually get a tinge of justice for him."

"You are right" I chewed on my lower lip contemplating. I don't think I can fight for that long."Then what do you suggest?"

Zoya answered after a moment, "is it really that necessary? Will it make you feel any better than now?"

"I don't know," I told honestly, "but right now I feel like this is the right thing to do, I have taken so many wrong decisions in my life Aarav suffered while his culprits are still living their life with no punishments with no actual remorse...not much I guess. I want to just put a stain or you know something that could make them think twice before hurting someone's close ones"

"Personal attacks then?," she said with an uncertain voice, "but I don't think you can do that you are not like them Serra you are way too good and not meant for it You will hurt yourself in doing so"

"Okay, maybe then I should stop being so good and make myself do it, I need to move on. I don't want to stay too in this loop of guilt"

Hey ppl!
So what do you think???

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