[anya rose steinburg]
-

do you ever just feel simply lost? lost to the point that you don't even know what's going on around you, but you still stay in one place, whether you like it or not. lost to the point you have an out of body experience without even falling asleep. lost in a good way?

don't get me wrong, being with shawn was amazing. it is amazing. it's like a breather that i need away from life, but it does have some differences which i'm not used to.

like the fact that he's stressed. anyone who has a sense of normality in them, would completely understand that shawn was 100% stressed. it scared me sometimes, but i knew that shawn had his own way with dealing with things, and i had to respect that. his own management didn't want him to have a girlfriend, when he was hopelessly falling in love with me. he has to hide us away from the world, which i know he really doesn't want to do. at all.

but all of his emotions made me feel lost. he didn't know exactly how to control his feelings yet, and most of all, when he got too stressed, he would lash out on me.

it wasn't completely filled with anger, but it was the small things; sitting away from each other whilst watching a film instead of wrapped up in each other's embrace, small nods of acknowledgement in the morning, instead of saying good morning with a small kiss, little scoffs if i bring something up, not holding me at night.

and it's all because he's stressed.

"shawn, what do you want for lu-"

"can you just not talk for a second? i'm trying to work," shawn mutters, typing away at his laptop, seated at the dining table.

"shawn-"

"shh," he says, making me roll my eyes. "don't roll your eyes at me."

"don't be rude to me," i shoot back, folding my arms against my chest. "what's up with you? you're being-"

"i'm being what? concerned about my career? because yeah, i am!" he yells, making me jump slightly. he sighs loudly, clenching his jaw, and shutting his laptop. "look, maybe we shouldn't be doing this."

"what the fuck, shawn?" i ask him, the hurt evident in my voice. "why?"

"because it isn't working! we don't work!" he snaps at me, standing up from the table. "come on anya, we haven't left this fucking condo for the past three weeks! we can't even leave the condo together because i'm too scared someone will see us and then my management will find out we're together."

"that's not my fault, so don't try to break my heart because of someone else completely away from us," i say back to him, shaking my head. "shut the fuck up shawn."

"why are you telling me to shut up when you know i'm telling the truth? don't be so offended." he shouts, making my eyes burn with tears. i feel the lump settle in my throat, and i quickly swallow it down, shaking my head.

"i'm offended because you haven't even been treating me like your girlfriend for the past three weeks! it's like you don't even acknowledge me. y-you say you're crazy about me over and over again but why can't you just show it?" i spill out, my voice cracking. "i came here to spend time with you. to spend long nights with you. to try an unlock another level of you, but now you're making me think that it wasn't even worth my time." shawns face falls, and i can see the guilt crowd his features.

"anya-"

"just forget it," i mumble, picking up my cup of coffee, and walking back into the main bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

i quickly wipe my eyes, not wanting to cry about this, and not wanting to let my guard down, especially when shawns still in the other room. i let out a shaky sigh, before deciding to make the bed, which still hasn't been made from the morning.

"anya?" shawn knocks at the door. "can i come in?"

"yeah," i say back to him, folding away both of our sets of pyjamas, placing them neatly on the bed. shawn opens up the door, walking into the room, and coming to a stop right in front of me.

"i'm sorry," he says gently, as i sigh again, sitting down on the bed.

"that's the thing, you say that, but how do i know you really mean it? how do i know that you're not gonna break up with me tomorrow?" i ask him gently, as he puffs out a breath of air, crouching down next to the bed.

"anya i promise you, i'm not gonna break up with you," shawn tells me softly, placing his hand on my thigh. "talk to me, hun, what's wrong?"

"what's wrong with me? what's wrong with you?" i shoot back. "it's like you don't even know i exist!" my anger takes shawn back slightly, as he flinches, removing his hand from my thigh. "it would be nice to have a little affection shown to me, that's all."

"do you really feel like i'm ignoring you?" shawn questions, a hurt expression crossing his face. "right, we're gonna have a date tonight."

"shawn-"

"shh," he says softly, standing up. "i'm gonna go out quickly and get some stuff, you stay here and wait."

"i'm really not in the mood, shawn," i admit, making his face furrow up in confusion. "maybe i should just book a flight back home."

"anya don't do that," he says quickly, shaking his head. "i'll show you more affection-"

"well then show me some, instead of proposing you will," i tell him firmly, as he nods, sitting down next to me, and holding onto one of my hands.

"i'm sorry," he mumbles, squeezing my hand gently. i shake my head, pushing out a sad smile, raising my other hand to cup his cheek.

"i'm worried about you," i admit. "i really am."

"why, love?" shawn asks me, furrowing his brow again. "don't worry about me, i'm okay."

"you're not, shawn," i whisper, my eyes filling with tears again. "i'm scared that you're getting too stressed about everything. please don't. we're gonna get through this, okay?" shawn nods, his own eyes mirroring mine. "don't cry."

"i could say the same thing to you," he grins sadly, making me chuckle. "i'm fine, i'm fine," he whispers, wiping his eyes with his other hand, as i nod. "come on, i'm gonna make you some lunch, while you sit at the counter, giving me kisses every so often."

"okay," i grin, pressing a gentle kiss against his lips, letting his hands settle on my hips. i feel shawns lips settle into a smile, before he effortlessly lifts me up, picking me up, and pulling his lips away from mine.

he lifts me to the kitchen, placing me down onto the granite surface of the main island, before kissing me again, and going to open cabinets to find ingredients.

"what do you want to eat, hunny?" shawn asks softly, his voice soft and calm.

"hmm," i hum, thinking of what to eat. "mac and cheese?"

"okay," he grins, pulling out a tub of macaroni pasta, before opening the fridge to find cheese, butter, and milk. "wait, how do you make the cheese sauce?"

"come here," i giggle, hopping off of the counter, and taking the ingredients from shawn. "how did i know that i was gonna have to end up making the food?"

"i'll boil the pasta?" shawn trails off, making me laugh gently.

"let me teach you," i say gently, opening up the pantry, and taking out a container containing flour. "first, you melt butter in the pot," i say, turning on the stove, and placing a pot over the heated plate. i wait for it to heat up, before adding the butter. "then you add flour, and form some sort of thin paste?"

"this is already too confusing," shawn mumbles, making me laugh again. he grins, shaking his arms around my waist, and distracting me more than learning how to make cheese sauce.

"shawn! look at what i'm doing," i chuckle, as shawn presses gentle kisses against my neck. "do you want to learn or what?"

"oh shush," shawn teases, as i roll my eyes, putting the milk, and the grated cheese into the pot, mixing it all together until the sauce begins to thicken. "okay, i'll boil the pasta."

"you do that," i grin, as shawn let's go of me, filling up another pot with water, and letting that come to a boil, before adding the pasta. "shawn?" i ask, making him hum in response, and turn his head to face me.

"yeah hun?"

"i like this."
-
"i uh, i'm sorry about today," shawn mumble gently, wrapping his arms around me, pulling me closer to his chest. "i'm really sorry that we can't just simply come out as a couple again. i spoke to andrew and island still aren't on board. i don't know what to do."

"it's okay," i say softly back to him, the view of toronto at night being the only thing i can see. "we'll work something out."

"when's your flight next week?"

"next tuesday, it's okay, we still have six days," i say quickly. "and it's a night flight, so we're all good."

"hmm," he hums, dancing his fingertips over my shoulder lightly. "you're on online college, right?"

"yeah, it's never changed, you know that," i chuckle, as he grins softly, a light chuckle leaving his lips. "why?"

"stay here, while i'm in australia," he says gently. i'll be leaving next week anyway, just cancel your flight-"

"shawn my clothes, my apartment, i'm paying rent and i'm not even living there, i haven't stayed there since la." i sigh. "what if someone finds out?"

"i want you to stay here, i trust you, i know you'll look after the place for me," he says. "i can even get my mom to come over every so often to check on you-"

"shawn," i sigh again. "it's not that i don't want to, i just want to get back to new york."

"just think about it, okay? six days to think," i nod at him, not wanting to continue this conversation, which might lead to both of us raising our voices at each other. "man, i wish you could come to australia with me."

"sneak me in your suitcase," i joke, sitting my eyes and nestling against his chest.

"you're small enough to fit," he says back, making me gasp and slap his arm jokingly. "i'm kidding! you're still small though."

"am not," i argue back, letting a breath puff out past my lips.

"anya, you're like two heads shorter than me," he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"that's because you're a fucking giant," i shoot back, making him laugh loudly, before a comfortable silence comes upon us.

"you know what? screw it," shawn says suddenly. "let's just come out as a couple, anyone who has common sense will understand that you and i are very much in love, and that we both want the best for each other, and that no matter what, our relationship will not affect my career. you're coming to australia with me, i don't care what island say."

"are you sure, hun?" i ask, sitting up and looking straight at him. he nods his head, leaning down to kiss me gently.

"we're coming out as a couple, whether they like it or not. i'm crazy about you, anya, and i'm sorry but i can't hide that from the world."