[anya rose steinburg]
-

the sex was bad.

it was so, unsatisfyingly, bad. it wasn't that shawn didn't know what to do, because he did, he knew a lot, but it was just bad. it was quick, sweaty, and just not sexy or what i pictured it to be at all. it was sloppy, fast, and completely unattractive.

and both of us knew it.

as soon as we had finished, we lay side by side, not talking at all, and shawn ended up falling asleep curled to his side of the bed. i didn't find sleep at all that night. it was partly because of jet lag, but mostly because of how anxious and insecure i felt about the sex. was i really that bad? did we really not have a sexual connection? was everything just childish between us?

i spent the entire night wide awake, debating everything about myself, and everything that could have made the sex so bad. was i overreacting? was i just having a dream? was it really good and i was just thinking of something else? would shawn break up with me because of it?

i turned my head on the pillow, looking at the clock on the wooden bedside table, which read 6am. i sighed gently, turning my head again, seeing shawn still fast asleep, the white sheets tucked up around him, little snores escaping his mouth. i bit my lower lip lightly, feeling tears brim my eyes.

was i really that bad?

i quickly got up from the bed, pulling the silk robe that was crumpled up on the floor over my shoulders, sliding a pair of the hotel room slippers on, and heading straight to the bathroom, turning on the light and staring at my appearance.

there were a few love bites over my neck, my hair was an absolute mess, and there was stray mascara smudged underneath my eyes. i sighed softly at my appearance, before opening the tap, and washing my face, cleaning away all the dirt from the night before. i brush my teeth after that, and attempt to fix my hair by tying it up into a messy bun.

groggily, i stroll back into the room, opening my suitcase, and taking out a fresh pair of underwear, sliding them up my legs, and grabbing my phone from the bedside table, before walking outside to the balcony, shutting the room door behind me.

the sun was just rising in the distance, and sky was a perfect sunrise; hints of purple, pink, and orange lining the blank canvas, the clear sea reflecting the colours of the sky, making everything seem so magical. the rooms around us were quite far away, shawn had made sure to book a very private villa, secluded away from the rest of the resort, which i was glad about because we were finally getting some sort of privacy for the first time in a good six months.

"morning," i hear behind me, making me jump slightly, as i see shawn walk over, taking a seat on the lounger next to me, stretching his legs out and sighing softly.

"hey," i mumble, looking at him, as his eyes go beady and soft, the caramel pools turning into pure sorrow. "you okay?"

"yeah, you?" he breathes out, the tension between us uncanny.

"yeah," i hum, turning my head back to the scenery, shortly before looking down at my lap.

"babe..." shawn trails off, sighing softly as he sits up, shuffling closer to me. "we need to talk about last night."

"i know, i know, i just-" i sigh again, looking back at him. "i thought it would be so much more better than it was- not that you were bad or anything, because you weren't, i just- i don't know- i don't know where i'm going with this," i mumble, my head spinning, and a migraine coming upon me.

"slow down, hunny, it's okay," he says gently, reaching for my hands and holding onto them. "and you weren't bad either, i just think we've been thinking about it for way too long, so it just seemed planned."

"i hope so," i mutter, squeezing his hands lightly. "because shawn i really don't want us to not have any sexual chemistry- okay i know relationships don't rely on sex, but it is a big part and- i'm sorry, i've been anxious recently and that's probably why it might have been bad."

"why have you been anxious?" he asks me, suddenly more concerned about me rather than our relationship.

"i-it's nothing, honestly," i mumble, looking away from him.

"anya," he sighs. "tell me what's going on." i sigh softly again, sitting up straight and looking at him.

"it's just you've been with so many more people than me intimately and i just thought that i wouldn't be good enough or-"

"wait why are you concerned about how many people i've been with?" he asks me, slightly offended with things. "that really shouldn't matter, sex isn't about the number. it's about the connection."

"are you implying we don't have a connection?" i ask him, anxiousness sweeping over me. shawn sighs, letting go of my hands and running his hands through his hair.

"well it does show some sort of connection," he mumbles. "i'm not saying that we don't, but if we don't have any sort of sexual chemistry between us then-"

"are you seriously saying this right now?" i ask, my voice soft and hurt. shawn looks up at me, his curls messy on his head, shrugging slightly. "shawn-"

"let's just forget about this completely," he mutters, standing up and looking at me, before dropping his shoulders with a sigh and walking back into the main room.

i sink my teeth down onto my bottom lip, whilst i sit back down onto the lounger, leaning back into it, and letting my eyes fall close, the early morning sun feeling comfortable on my body.

is shawn really feeling as anxious as i am? because i don't want us to feel like we can't talk to each other at all about it. obviously sex isn't going to be great every single time, it's better that we got the worst out of the way, and that's how we should be thinking about it.

i sit up, looking back into the room through the glass door, seeing shawn lying down on the bed, looking straight up at the ceiling. quietly, i get up and walk into the room again, shutting the door firmly behind me, and sitting down on the bed, looking down at shawn.

"babe," i mumble, tracing his cheek lightly with my fingertips. "it's okay. bad sex happens sometimes. it's not always gonna be bad hunny," i say gently to him, as he sighs, moving his eyes to look straight at me. "let's go get some breakfast, yeah? weren't we gonna head out snorkelling today?"

"i'm not in the mood, anya," he says quietly, sitting up from the bed. "i'm gonna head out, see if they've got a gym here."

"shawn i'm just trying to make things okay between-"

"things are okay, aren't they? you know, like you said, sex isn't always bad, right?" he asks sarcastically. "you wouldn't understand."

"then help me understand! shawn, i don't want us to be like this-"

"we're fine, anya!" he yells, making me flinch, before frowning deeply at him. "it's okay, i've realised we don't have the connection we thought we did-"

"are you serious right now?" i croak, my voice suddenly going high pitched, the sadness evidence in my tone. "shawn, don't say that."

"it's the truth!" he yells again, immediately making tears fill my eyes, my head suddenly spinning. he mutters something to himself, before standing up and gathering a few things together, pulling his usual trainers on his feet.

"where are you going?" i ask him softly, my voice hoarse and croaky, as a tear flows down my cheek.

"on a run or something," he mumbles, looking away from me, whilst placing his airpods in his ears, grabbing his phone, and walking out of the room.

i sigh loudly, wiping away my tears, taking a few breaths to steady myself and calm myself down. why is he being like this? we're supposed to be on a holiday together, we're supposed to be having a good time together.

i quickly rummage around for my phone, unlocking it and dialling up camilas number, wanting to get some advice on how to react, and how to think really.

"hello?" she answers, as i breathe out a sigh of relief, sitting up properly on the bed.

"hey mila," i mumble. "how are you?"

"i'm good hun, how are you? you don't sound good, what happened?" she asks me quickly, her voice suddenly going concerned.

"i need some advice," i murmur, pulling my legs up to my chest. "shawns being weird with me."

"what do you mean? he told me about his plans for last night, i thought-"

"it was really bad," i admit, tears burning my eyes again. "and we fought about it, and i think he thinks we don't have the connection we thought we had, and he's gone off on a run and i really don't know what to do." i sniffle, wiping my eyes quickly.

"sweetie no, please don't cry," she says warmly. "calm down, anya. it'll be okay, just breathe."

"i'm sorry," i croak out, tears rolling down my cheeks. "i'm just really scared."

"please don't be, it's just shawn being overwhelmed, you and i both know that," she says to me softly. "now, you need to think about yourself first. i know it's selfish, but anya you're crying and obviously hurt, so please don't be concerned about shawn more than yourself. eat something, drink some water, and just try to relax a little, yeah? maybe go to the beach or something?"

"i-i guess," i mumble, sniffling again. "do you think he's gonna break up with me?"

"what? no hun, he's so in love with you, he's not going to break up with you," she says quickly, as i look outside the window, seeing the sun now shining down onto the scenery around our villa.

"o-okay," i say gently. "i'm gonna go shower and change and stuff, i'll talk to you later, okay?"

"of course, i'm always here for you," she reassures me. "i hope you feel better soon."

"thank you," i whisper. "see you soon."

"bye sweetie," she says softly, before hanging up. i let a sigh pass my lips, before i begin to get up properly, cleaning around the room before room service arrives, and quickly hopping in the shower.

i just hope things between shawn and i go back to normal.
-
"shawn?" i ask gently, walking round the corner of the bedroom to the main living area of the villa, seeing him sitting on the couch, strumming lightly at his guitar, a pencil held in his mouth, and his leather bound journal on the table in front of him.

"oh hey," he says, putting his guitar down, taking the pencil out of his mouth, and resting it on the journal. "you okay?"

"can we go on a walk?" i ask, my voice suddenly going high pitched, nerves filling my stomach, making me almost feel sick, worried that he doesn't want to spend any time with me.

"yeah? it's like 40 degrees out though," he says with a nervous chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck. "come on, we can go grab some lunch."

"okay," i say, fiddling with the ends of my white dress, the khaki straps of my bikini standing out from the soft cotton.

shawn stands up, stretching his back out slightly, before sliding on a pair of flip flops, and grabbing his phone and wallet. he shoves them into the pockets of his trunks, picking up his guitar again, and putting it back into its case.

"have you been out?" shawn asks me, grasping onto my hand, as we make our way out of the villa, walking across the wooden planks leading out to the walkway across the sea.

"sat on the terrace for a while," i answer simply, shrugging my shoulders. "it is pretty hot today."

"who knows, maybe i'll finally get a tan," he jokes, making me smile slightly, looking up at him. "how are you so tanned after being here for a day?"

"i'm indian," i answer, making him chuckle lightly. "no, it's baby oil."

"baby oil?"

"yeah, baby oil. it's like tanning oil. you put it on your skin and sit outside for a bit and all of a sudden you're tanned," i explain. "you should use some."

"maybe i will," he smirks, as we finally make it over the wooden walkway to the soft, hot sand of the white beaches. "what do you want for lunch?"

"what about the resort restaurant?" i suggest, seeing it's right on the beach and only a short walk away.

"sure," he shrugs, swaying our hands lightly. "you wanna do anything tonight? we could go on a boat ride or something."

"um, yeah okay," i nod. "shawn-" i cut myself off, not wanting to make the situation worse, and instead look down at my feat, letting out a small sigh.

"what's up?" shawn asks me, noticing that i've started to say something, but then cut myself off. he nudges my shoulder lightly with his arm, as i push a fake smile out.

"nothing, it's stupid anyway," i mumble, letting go of his hand and folding my arms to my chest, as we approach the restaurant. "hey, table for two?" i ask the waitress at the front.

"right this way," she smirks, her eyes trailing straight to shawns shirtless torso. i feel myself fume, and i roll my eyes, grabbing onto shawns hand tightly, whilst she guides us to a table. "my name is sydney, and i'll be your server for today. if you need any help, just call me over," she grins, just talking to shawn as if i don't even exist.

"thank you," shawn smiles back, making me raise my eyebrows, before folding my arms to my chest. "i'm sure i'll call you if i need any help."

woah, okay then.

my eyes widen, and i hold in a scoff as the girl walks away, swaying her hips, and flicking her hair back. i turn back to shawn, seeing him looking at me with a small smirk on his lips.

"you're jealous," he points out, too satisfied for my liking.

"she literally flirted with you and you flirted right back whilst i was here!" i burst. "it's like i don't even exist!"

"woah anya, hey, calm down," shawn says quickly, grasping onto my hands across the table. "i'm sorry, okay? i'm sorry."

"i'm going back to the villa," i mumble, letting go of his hands and standing up from the table, quickly escaping the restaurant, my brisk walk turning into a short jog.

"anya, hey, anya!" shawn calls, his voice getting louder, as he's probably running towards me. "babe, hey," i feel his hand on my shoulder, as he quickly spins me around, making me sigh. "i'm sorry, hunny. come back?"

"shawn, i-" i mumble, tears brimming my eyes. "everything's getting to me, i-i just need to be alone for a bit. please?"

"what's wrong?" he asks, his face concerned and worried for me.

"i'm fine, i'm fine, i just need some time alone."

so, with a heavy heart i walk back to the villa, hoping that shawn and i find our way out of this situation.