chapter thirty-seven
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
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i sprint to the elevators, goon to floor 9 to find the room. running through the extensive corridors i look around, seeing any signs for the room.

i reach the wooden door and i bring my hand up, softly knocking on it, and waiting patiently behind the door. it opens, and brian stands there, yawning.

"oh you got them." he says to me.

"yeah i did, thank you so much brian." i say gratefully.

"i didn't go to find them, i just returned them." he says. "shawn found them."

"shawn found them?" i ask hopefully, as brian nods. "but why? he hates me."

"no he doesn't." brian tells me. "he's gonna be here in like ten minutes, do you wanna stay too?"

"is amber coming too?" i ask as brian scoffs.

"you think i would invite her too? hell no." i laugh softly. "he's trying to make you feel what he felt. that's the only reason why he's being lovey to amber."

"that's stupid, why?" i walk in, shutting the door behind me.

"because he hates the feeling so he wants you to hate the feeling too." brian says. i roll my eyes.

"what goes on in his head to think that's okay to do on any scale? i didn't even mean to kiss brooklyn!"

"i know you didn't, but he doesn't." brian says, trying to calm me down. "don't worry, and try not to worry because he'll be here-" brian gets cut off by the door knocking.

"hey dude." i hear shawn say. "did you give them to her?"

"ask her yourself." shawn walks in and we make immediate eye contact.

"um-" i cut myself off. "i'm gonna cut all the lies, why the fuck did you decide to look for them?"

"i-i felt bad." shawn stutters out. "i really didn't mean to."

"i've told you countless amounts of times, that's why i never wear other earrings." i spit. "i hate you so much."

"you have no right to hate me, if anyone has a right to hate anyone, it's me to hate you." he says, folding his arms.

"i'm gonna go get some beer." brian rushes out, leaving shawn and i in the hotel room.

"where's your girlfriend?" i ask him, placing my hands on my hips. it's only then i realise i'm still in my bikini, with a towel wrapped around my body.

"she's not my girlfriend." he spits at me. "where's brooklyn?"

"of for god sake shawn! i stopped literally after a few seconds of kissing, after i realised what was going on! i didn't know where we still stood and i was confused, and heck so was brooklyn! but he didn't make a big deal about it and neither did i so quit blaming me for everything. you never heard me out."

"well now i have!" he shouts. "you don't even know how hard it's been for me for the past two months!"

"i know it's been hard for you! i know your not mentally well! this is why i called you straight after it happened." he sits down on the bed, putting his head in his hands.

"don't rub it in anymore." he mutters, running his hands through his hair. "i-i'm sorry."

"why are you apologising?" i crouch down next to him, holding the towel to my chest.

"because your earrings." he says to me.

"well i'm sorry too, for everything." i whisper. "i know i did kiss brooklyn, but i regret it so much."

"i know, i know." he sighs. "where do we even stand anymore?"

"where do you want us to stand?" i ask him, standing up.

"friends?" and just with that word my heart breaks, but i know if i don't go with it shawn and i wouldn't stand anywhere.

"yeah, friends." he smiles softly at me. "i'm sorry for yelling at you this morning- i was just annoyed and the alcohol got to me and-"

"stop apologising anya." he laughs. "it's okay, you didn't really hurt that much."

"um i would have you know that i won a verbal fighting contest when i was like 13 in school." i fold my arms, as he laughs at me, making me roll my eyes.

"you should really stop rolling your eyes, i bet you they're gonna end up staying at the back of your head for the rest of your life." i nudge him softly, laughing.

"god where's brian with these beers?" i groan. "actually, i'm gonna head up to my room to change into something."

"you can go to mine and grab a t-shirt and shorts or something- it'll be easier because i'm next door." shawn offers.

"thanks." i smile, as he hands me his. hotel room key.

"they're in the suitcase, i don't-"

"like to unpack and then repack, i know." i say to him, as he smiles. i walk out of the room, going into shawns room, unlocking it and closing the door behind me.

i wander around, going up to his suitcase and grabbing a pair of shorts, and a grey shirt. i slip them on, rolling up the shorts so they are a good length on me, and waking out of the room, going back to brian's.

"ah yes, thank god." i sigh in bliss, picking up one of the ice cold beers on the table, sipping it.

"she looks like a real guy today, wait did you two make up? are you back together?"

"we made up, not back together though." shawn explains, taking a sip from his bottle.

"thanks shawn." i say, handing him back his room key. "i'll give them back tomorrow morning."

"no problem." he shrugs, putting the key in his pocket.

"brian are you coming on tour this summer?" i ask him, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed.

"yes, i am." he says, taking a sip of his beer. "after all, in the best person to take a meet and greet picture." shawn chuckles to himself, shaking his head.

"do you know how many tweets i got last summer saying that you took their photo shaky?" he laughs, rolling his eyes.

"that was like one or two per show, it doesn't matter it's like a candid that way, they should be happy." brian says, scoffing.

"i'll do them in europe." i shrug, taking a sip of my beer. "and i'll make brian retake them if he takes them shaky in summer."

"good, fans won't attack me for it." shawn chuckles, looking at me.

my cheeks redden, and i look down, sipping my beer. "so, how has everyone been?" i say quickly, changing the subject.

"album three is officially decided on." shawn says. "well the title." he leans back on the chair, laughing to himself.

"i don't know, my life is boring." brian says, chuckling.

"how's your family anya? did you see poppy at all this month?" shawn asks me, as i nod.

"yeah i met up with her, she's on a fashion internship with vera wang." i say back to him. "and my family are okay i guess, i don't know, i hardly talk to the older generations, only my cousins. how's aaliyah and your parents?"

"she misses you, and my parents are great." shawn answers softly. "i'm gonna call it a night, i'm kinda tired."

"me too, hey thanks for the clothes shawn." i say to him, standing up. "and thanks for the beer, brian, very much well appreciated." i nod it in his direction, finishing the bottle.

"same time tomorrow?" shawn asks us all.

"my room, chris'll love to join." i add, turning to walk out of the room. "see you tomorrow morning guys!" i wave.

"wait let me walk you to your room, it's late." shawn runs up to me, as i smile softly, both of us bidding goodbyes to brian and walking to my room.

"so how's uni?" shawn asks me, as i sigh over dramatically.

"right now i'm trying to remove medicine from my online courses, somehow my mom managed to get it in there, so i'm refusing to do the work." i shrug. "other than that it's going great."

"she was so nice to you when we were in the hamptons though." shawn bargains.

"well obviously it was a show." i sigh again, reaching the elevator. "it took me ages just to get this lot of online work till october. do you know how long it will be to cancel a class?"

"i'm sorry." he says sympathetically to me, as i shrug, sighing softly.

"it's fine i guess." the elevator opens at my floor and we walk to the end of the right corridor, reaching my room. "thanks for walking with me."

"no problem." he says to me. "i'm sorry i've been a dick to you recently, i didn't mean any of it."

"i know, it just- hurts." i say truthfully. "don't blame yourself on anything, just do me that favour." i tell him, looking up.

the corridor is pretty dark, a warm white lighting creating ambience in the corridor, the reflective gold of door handles and room number signs catching the beads of light illuminating them. shawn steps closer to me, putting his hand over my waist.

"you're so beautiful." he mumbles, crashing his lips onto mine. i give in, leaning against the wall, letting him grab onto my hands, placing them above my head, as he kisses me with loving force, tears siding down his cheeks, wetting my own.

"oh god- i'm sorry." shawn blushes in embarrassment, letting go of me immediately, a chill settling over my sweaty body. "just friends, i'm sorry."

"shawn-"

"i'll see you in the morning, goodnight." he waves, his long legs carrying him away, as he wanders out of the corridor, leaving me in a mess, sighing deeply.

i wish i could turn back time, to when none of this happened, back to when we were in london, and we first met. it was so easy, so unproblematic. so quiet.

sliding the card key into the lock, i quickly unlock the hotel room, slipping inside the room and going straight to my bed, trying to not wake chris up.

shawns kiss still clouding up my mind, i fall asleep, thoughts invading my imagination, making me rethink my decisions of agreeing to friends, and regretting not kissing him back.

i could've had him here with me now, wrapped in his arms, but no, i got scared and didn't tell him to keep going.
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seb noticed me yesterday i'm so happy