chapter thirty-five
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
-
From Shawn Mendes:
we're over. for real.

numbness. it fills me, taking over my body slowly. time freezes, and for that moment i don't care about anything else in the world apart from shawn.

it was your stupidity that sent you to this point. my mind wanders back to brooklyn planting his soft lips on mine, after i practically told him to, and i allowed him to kiss me, which made it so much more worse.

you're stupid, you're worthless, you cause people pain. i curl up on my bed, bringing my legs to my chest and crying softly.

why can't me and shawn ever work out?

"hey anya-" kelsey walks into my room cutting herself off. "oh my god what happened?"

i choke out a sob, looking down and my creased duvet sheets. "god i fucked up." i mumble.

"he broke up with you?" kelsey almost shouts at me, as i flinch slightly, nodding.

"i-i kissed brooklyn." i say quietly. "we almost- we almost you know-"

"fucked?" she asks me, as i let out a shaky breath, nodding. "oh my god anya, come here." she hugs me, as i cry into her shoulder. "fuck shawn, he doesn't matter okay? and you stopped it with brooklyn, you were the stronger person."

"i-it's all my fault." i whisper, my voice suddenly cracking. "shawn- our engagement- i-" she rubs my back as i cry my eyes raw, until they physically won't let out anymore tears.

he broke up with me.
-
it's been a few weeks, and i got informed that island have had enough of mine and shawns going on's, and decided that we forget about the entire job, but i still have a role on his team, and i still tour with him, sadly.

amber and him have gotten closer, as i slowly slip away from him. she stayed over at his house for about a week, and it killed me to watch both of their snapchat stories. fans met her, and shawn together in toronto.

currently, i'm on a flight out to california where shawn has press.

i'm still trapped in this never ending story of following him around, being around him all the time, never getting a break, and consumed with the pain and reminiscence of what i did to him.

we tried so hard to fix things in the first week. endless phone calls, texts, voicemails, but he physically wouldn't commit to the ordeal of dating me. i wouldn't blame him.

i get off my plane, the warm air of late february hitting me, very different to new york.

"woah, anya is that you?" i'm collecting my bags, and a ginger knocks into me. i'm about to shout at him, but i suddenly realise it's brian.

"brian? what are you doing in cali?" i ask him, picking up my suitcase.

"i'm joining you guys for press apparently. well, shawn invited me." he laughs softly. "i'm sorry about everything, if it helps, aaliyah and i are convincing shawn to listen to you. well, trying to."

"why? i thought you two would hate me after what happened." i mumble, shrugging my backpack in my shoulders.

"we hate amber, not you." he says to me. "now how are you getting to the hotel?"

"i was just gonna get an uber." i shrug, stepping out of the airport.

"take my taxi with me, come on." we walk over to the waiting area for the taxi to arrive and pick us up. "so how have you been?"

"i guess half okay." i shrug. "i mean i've been getting my life in order, and after showing proof that i have a job, the uni governors finally let me do full time online school, and when i want to drop into lectures i can, but i can also go to the mini universities all around the world to do lectures too." brian raises his eyebrows. "how have you been?"

"well, my life is not that interesting, but i've been around." i chuckle, leaning against my suitcase. "i've been in pickering for a bit, you know, transporting myself to uni and everything, but staying at home."

"oh cool, that's nice." i say. "how's shawn?" i ask after a few minutes.

"he's-" he sighs. "he's getting better." i nod, not wanting to talk about it further. "i walked into him when i went to his house a few days ago, and he was opening a parcel or something, but he broke down and held a ring."

"oh, he got that?" i ask, looking at my bare finger. "i returned the two rings to him."

"well that helps me and aaliyah trying to convince shawn to listen to you." he jokes, trying to lighten the situation. "i know you wouldn't do something like that on purpose, and neither does aaliyah."

"thanks brian." i smile softly, glancing at my nails for a brief second. "i'm scared, what if he freaks out on me being there?"

"he won't, don't worry." brian puts his hand on my arm, rubbing it softly. "if he says anything, don't take it to heart."

i nod, seeing a taxi pull up in front of us. "okay, come on." i drag my suitcase to the back, putting it in, and shutting it after brian puts his bags in, before scampering to the bag seats to sit for the journey.

it's then i notice geoff, andrew, mike and chris. "oh hey guys." i smile softly at them, waving.

"hi anya, how've you been?" geoff asks me, hugging me.

"okay i guess." i shrug, getting in next to him. "did you guys just get here?"

"at a different terminal." chris says to me. "god i've missed you, it's so hard being the only normal girl on this team." i chuckle lightly, knowing she hates amber with every bone in her body. i can relate.

"chris you haven't even spoken to amber since she got here with shawn." my heart sinks, as andrew looks at me, cursing. "oh shit i'm so sorry, i forgot for a second."

"no it's fine, he's moved on, i get it." brian clenches beside me, and my mind flashes back to when he told me about shawn crying over me returning my rings.

"you're sharing a room with me." chris nudges my shoulder, as i smile softly, looking up.

"i'm excited." i say truthfully. "does shawn hate me?" i ask all of them.

"he dislikes you, but deep down there's that part of him that's madly in love with you. he still is, it's obvious." mike says, as everyone nods, agreeing.

"i'm not gonna bring it out, don't worry, i don't want to cause any more problems." i tell them all, as we pull up at a hotel.

"he's waiting to greet us, are you ready?" brian tells me, putting his phone in his pocket. i sigh, my hands immediately feeling clammy.

"i'll have to face him at some point, right?" i smile sadly at brian, walking next to chris, as we all enter the hotel, seeing shawn sitting in the lobby scrolling through his phone.

i stop in my tracks, seeing him for the first time in over a month. can someone get more attractive in that short amount of time? he looks amazing. he's smiling at something on his phone, and my heart clenches, knowing he's probably stalking his fans again, laughing at what they're saying. he looks up, spotting us, and stand up, smiling brightly, to greet us all.

"geoff, andrew, nice to see you both." he hugs them, laughing at brian, before hugging him, and going over to hug mike and chris. chris looks over at me, smiling sympathetically, as she lets go of shawn. he turns around, facing me directly, and his face drops.

"hey." i say confidently, as shawn frowns immediately.

"hi." he mutters, looking at his feet. "didn't think i would see you again."

i scoff, rolling my eyes and walking past him, going to join the others who are checking in. "give it some time, you'll both be friends again in no time." andrew says to me, as i sigh, folding my arms.

"i hope."
-
dinner at seven were the three words andrew sent chris and i today. i stand in a black dress, that hugs my body, covered with a black leather jacket hung loosely over my shoulders, and a black clutch in my hands.

i'm wearing black flats, and my hairs curled, my makeup done up perfectly. i won't lie and ill say i did it for shawn. it's not like he's going to notice me anyway, so it doesn't matter.

"you look sexy." chris smirks at me. "i want you and shawn back together already."

i scoff, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "thank you, but shawn and i will probably never get back together."

"have babies already." chris says to me, making me laugh, as we walk out of our hotel room, walking down to the hotel restaurant.

"said that to me two months ago, then maybe." she laughs, slapping my arm.

"how is he in bed?" she asks me quietly, as the elevator doors shut.

"magical." i sigh, looking down. "he makes you feel so loved, and special, and treats you so well." the elevator stops, and opens, revealing shawn and amber. shawn dressed in a tux, and amber wearing a red tight fitting dress.

"anya, hi!" she hugs me, pressing her plastic chest into me, her fake perfume clogging up my nose. "how are you? how's uni? i haven't seen you in ages!"

"i'm good, and uni's great, and i know it's been so long!" i try to act as excited to not show anything.

"you should come to my room for drinks or something tonight!" she nudges my arm.

"no thanks, i would, but i'm not in the mood to drink, plus chris would get lonely." i laugh. shawn looks at me confused, scanning his eyes over me, almost like he's judging me.

"have you got a problem with me?" i snap, getting his attention.

"no." he answers back, swinging on his feet. "i just have a problem with people who look like you and share the same personality and name as you."

"shawn." chris warns him, as i sigh, folding my arms, the elevator opening at the lobby, and the four of us walking out, joining the rest of the group in the restaurant.

i take a seat next to max and geoff, opposite chris, and next to her, the devil himself, shawn mendes.

"could i have a vodka on rocks with three olives please?" i ask the waiter as he comes up to me asking for my order.

"no food anya?" andrew asks me, as i shake my head.

"i'm not too hungry, i think the flight took away my appetite." i chuckle softly.

"i thought you weren't in the mood to drink." shawn comments. "why are you ordering a vodka?"

"because i can change my mind, do you have a problem with that too?" i spit.

"you change your mind a lot, first me, then brooklyn, who's next anya? one of my friends?" he says smugly. i roll my eyes again, sitting up straighter.

"it was always you, i don't know what you're talking about." i retort. "you know i would never do anything like that from my own accord."

"are you sure about that? you're really fond of brooklyn." shawn tells me.

"i'm done." i stand up, getting out of my seat and walking out of the dinner, storming out of the room and to the rooftop pool.

the winds blowing lightly, the sound of cars and traffic buzzing around, small lights illuminating the pool and surrounding areas. i take off my shoes, sitting on the edge of the pool, my feet dangling in, and a frown painted on my face.

i messed up, i get it.

the water is clear, showing off the glowing white base of the pool, making this area so much more relaxing than it is.

i take my phone out of my clutch, going through my notifications that are open on the screen. two texts from my mom, one asking if i had locked up my apartment, the other one a picture of my bank statement. three texts from kelsey asking me if i landed okay, and if i'm okay. one text from chris telling me to come back to the restaurant, and four snapchats from jasmine.

i sit with my feet in the pool for hours, enjoying the peace and reflecting on the past six months. i sigh, raising my feet out of the pool and gathering my things again, wandering back to my hotel room.

unlocking the door, i see chris asleep, so i tiptoe to my bed, not bothering to take off my makeup or change, and i fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow.
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my eyes hurt lmao