chapter sixty-one
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
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i hate him.

i truly hate him. after everything we've been through, he decided to end it right there and then, i mean we were moving in together! how can that break us up?

"hi mom." i croak on the other side of the line, my phone pressed to my ear.

"hi honey, how are you? how's shawn?" she says sweetly, as tears well up in my eyes again.

"m-mommy." i mumble, tears flowing down my cheeks.

"oh sweetie, what happened?" she asks me curiously, as i choke out a cry.

"m-mom we broke up." i sob. "i don't understand, what did i do wrong?"

"no, no honey, you didn't do anything wrong, don't blame a breakup on yourself." she reassures me. "aw sweetie, i'm so sorry."

"mom i miss him." i cry. "can i come to the hamptons?"

"of course, sweet pea, you're always allowed here, when will you be coming?" i look at my wall calendar, seeing it's the day i would've been in manchester, for the first show of shawns tour.

"tonight? i'll get a train." i sniffle. "kelsey and peter are there right? i don't want to be alone in the city."

"yeah they are, and jasmines over for a month study break, and jason's staying here for the next couple of months." she explains. "tommy's always here anyway."

"i'll see when the next train is at, hold on." i get out of my bed, pattering to my laptop and typing the information into safari to get the train schedule. "there's one at 3pm today, i'll take that one, so i'll be at the hamptons for 6."

"okay honey, i'll get someone to pick you up from the station." she says. "i love you."

"i love you too mom." i whisper. "i'll see you soon, bye." i hang up my phone, sighing and stretching my back out a little.

last saturday, shawn released to the world that it was officially over between me and him. of course, immediately, thousands of girls were throwing themselves at him, and tabloids began to blow up.

i'm still being followed around by the press, getting asked questions about the breakup at every possible moment, and what i've heard, shawns doing fine, and getting on with his life. i decided to keep with the online schooling, after all it's more convenient, and since my entire journalism lecture class know about my status, i'd rather not face any questions about my stupid relationship with shawn.

who am i kidding that relationship was far from stupid.

i don't even think i'll be able to explain how much i miss his warm hugs, soft kisses, his enthusiasm and chatter we used to come up with, his personality and his passion for music, oh i miss it all too much.

shawns stupid head didn't know what he was saying. not even in the slightest form did he know what he was doing.

"shit!" i curse, stubbing my toe on something under the bed. i scrunch my face up in confusion - i never store things under my bed. curiously, i crouch down, reaching under and pulling out a small, hard cases suitcase. wasn't this shawns?

i zip it open, revealing some of his hoodies, a few shirts, a small book and a little case which probably holds some pens to write with. being the curious person i am, i dive into the book, fluttering it open to the first page.

'shawns diary, do not touch'
'only touch when i say so'

oops.

i flick open some of the pages, coming across shawns messy handwriting from 2014, as the date in the corner suggests. i smile softly, running my hand down the pressed in by biro paper, small bumps heaving off the surface of the page.

dear diary,
i had woodshop today and brian stole my saw so i couldn't cut into anything so that lesson wasn't productive at all, it was ok though, our main teacher wasn't in and we had this really mean cover teacher who clearly disliked me in particular, so she decided to put on my recently uploaded cover of free fallin' by john, oh john how fucking awesome he is, and embarrass me. she said her daughter or something like that was a fan of me and i was kinda excited by that, but she was mean for putting on my cover to my entire woodshop class.
ian then invited all of us over to his place that night, and laur was there. she looked so beautiful so i spent the night with her well i talked to her a lot, i think i might like her.
so i'll be writing some more cool shit in here soon, i'm touring soon so that will be fun, and i have a few things happening soon too
peace out,
shawn

i chuckle softly to myself, flipping to the middle of the book, and opening it on the page it landed on.

dear diary,
wow i haven't written in here since january 2015, and it's now early october 2016. aaliyah found this in my room when she was looking for something of hers, well mine because i now see her always wearing one of my old t-shirts for bed, i guess she misses me a lot these days. i do too, i miss her so much when i'm on tour, it was great in summer when she came with me, but now going back to school time for her, she can't.
illuminate was such a success, and i'm so proud of it, especially ruin and three empty words, well three empty words because it's about something that happened to me personally, and i don't know it's just a really personal and special song to me.
andrew said he's gonna introduce me to someone when i'm in new york, apparently he's trying to find a girlfriend for me, i know, how stupid.

i roll my eyes at his last sentence, thinking back to when he really held a strong disliking to me.

anyway, i'm off to london soon for four massive performances, well three huge ones and a pop up show for all my fans there at some night club in kingston. don't worry, it's not gonna be at night, more like a midday lunch thing, but anyway.
i used to end these weirdly so i'll see you soon,
shawn

i continue to read through the dates up until the day he meets me for the first time, and the day i found out i would have a 'boyfriend'.

dear diary
andrew hired a girlfriend for me and i met her for the first time today, i know how fucking crazy. i can already sense that i'm not going to like this, but man, she's gorgeous, and i can't help to think i'm gonna like her soon. she really is incredibly pretty, and i honestly wouldn't mind her being my girlfriend. her names anya, and reading over her file andrew gave me, i can see she's pretty smart already, and highly experienced in a lot of ways already, she already sounds perfect. but, i don't like her and won't ever. i'm boarding a plane now, i'll see you soon,
shawn

dear diary,
i'm in australia now, how crazy!!! london was great, and i've fallen in love with anya, already. she's amazing, i really do hope we stay together for a long time. she understands me so much, and she's so considerate and caring, and really intelligent, not to mention beautiful. she's a little sick right now, but we both think it's travel sickness or food poisoning. either way, she's having a bad stomach so she didn't come to my show today. that's okay though, i'm taking her out tomorrow to a restaurant that is known as romantic here just to make her feel a little better, i hope. i have a new album coming out in december too, well it's not new songs, but it's a live album from my show at madison square garden, and i can't wait for the fans to hear it. oh, i met so many of my australian fans for the first time a couple days ago, they are all so welcoming and respect my privacy, so i'm really glad for that.
as always,
shawn

that was the point when i guess my morning sickness started, or it could've been just travel sickness, but i frown, skipping ahead a few pages to boxing day.

dear diary,
wow i've been such a bad writer recently. so much has happened in the past couple weeks. anya and i broke up, because of me and my stupid mouth, and apparently she's not doing well at all. she still managed to give me a christmas present, how sweet is she? i love her so much, and i'm so fucking mad at myself for losing her the way i did. aaliyah said she would come around, but i don't really think so. i'm gonna go and cry for a bit, i'll see you soon,
shawn

i feel my eyes tear up and one drop down onto the paper, as i turn to the next segment of shawns diary.

dear diary,
i'm so sorry for not writing in here for who knows how long, but it's 2017 now, and i'm back from my shows in japan, yeah japan, how crazy is that?! i can't believe i've gotten that famous so fast! right now, i'm in the hamptons for a wedding, oh yeah anya and i got back together but don't worry, it's not our wedding, although i did propose to her early on in the year, but that didn't work out well, but anyway, the wedding is for anya's cousin, peter and her roommate, kelsey. the ceremony in plan already looks beautiful, and i hope one day mine and anya's will be that special too. i recently bought a house with her in ajax, so still in toronto and close to my family, just somewhere for anya and i to begin our lives together. oh yeah, and i found out she was pregnant last year, but lost the baby. i was going to be a dad, how insane is that? i don't know why she didn't tell me, and i'm kinda mad about it, but i have to be there for her. i'm thinking of proposing again.
shawn

i turn the page over again, and i read a note that says he won't be writing again, but still continues to turn over to the other side.

dear whoever is reading this now,
if it is you, anya, i'm so sorry for the way we ended it, and if we do get back together, know that i'm gonna keep us together, even if it's the last thing i ever do. i love you so much anya rose, just remember that. if it's my future wife, anya i really love you, i do. who am i kidding, you'll probably never take me back even if i came running back to you. find someone else. if it's my kids, hey. i hope you found some of my life entertaining and tell your kids the story of their grandpa, ew grandpa i'm sounding so old haha. i love you so much, and i'm so thankful i got to have you in my life. if it's aaliyah, i love you kid. you've been there for me through everything, and just know that i'm always here for you and here to protect you. if it's mum or dad, i love you both so much, and thank you so much for all the support you've given me to be who i am today. if it's a fan, thank you for your support, and i love you a lot, more than you'll ever imagine. regardless of whoever it is, know that i love you so much, thank you.
shawn

i close the book gently, putting it back into the suitcase. i guess shawn left it here in his rush packing. i look at my watch, realising i should start packing myself if i want to make it to the hamptons tonight, so, i go into my own closet, taking out handfuls of clothes.
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"hey can i see mr gertler? he texted me saying he's still in the city and not with shawn mendes?" i ask softly at island records reception desk.

"he's here, but won't be tomorrow, what do you need?" she warmly replies, sending me a soft smile.

"i have something to be sent to shawn? he left something with me by accident." i explain, holding up the suitcase.

"oh, alright, go on up, you know where it is miss steinburg." she says. "i'm so sorry about the news."

"it happens." i shrug. "thank you, though." i pick up the suitcase and my bags, dragging them all to the elevator, heading up to andrews floor, where a flashback hits me.

i'm walking through the endless corridors again, printers running low on ink as per usual, and people rushing about. the glass doors are pristine like always, and i follow the steps to andrews office.

"456, 455, 454, ah 453." i mumble to myself, sweeping my brown hair behind my neck, and prepping myself.

i inhale a breath of air, raising my hand up to the door. sighing, i tap my knuckles onto the oak door, the clink of my rings echoing in the surprisingly quiet, enclosed glass dormitory of offices.

"miss steinburg, nice to finally meet the girl acting as my greatest works girlfriend, please sit." andrew guides me in, pointing to a bright yellow, leather covered, definitely not ergonomic chair.

"woah, anya you look like you've seen a ghost." andrew laughs lightly, opening up his office door. "how are you?"

"i'm okay, i guess." i shake my head. "i've just had a bit of dejavú." i chuckle nervously, scratching the back of my hair. "hey i have something to give you to give to shawn." i pull the suitcase from behind me, pushing it into the office with me.

"what's this?" he asks curiously, looking at the suitcase.

"shawn left it at mine by accident, i tripped over it this morning." i say. "can you return it to him please?"

"of course, do you want a coffee or something?" he asks, going to his nexpresso machine.

"yeah sure, i've got a little time till my train." i shrug, looking at my watch. "the usual please."

"so how have you been really?" andrew asks, handing me a white mug with a shot of coffee in it.

"horrible." i smile weakly. "i don't even understand why shawn decided that." i frown, looking down at my lap.

"he still loves you." i shake my head at andrew.

"no, he broke up with me because he thinks he's lost the love he had for me and that's why we constantly fight and fall apart." i explain. "he's confused himself, i just-" i cut myself off, sighing. "i didn't think it was coming so soon, i thought we could get through it, i thought he could get through it."

"you both knew it was coming then?" andrew asks softly, slurping on his coffee.

"i guess we did." i sigh, taking a sip of mine. "how is he?"

"he's a mess." andrew sighs. "you know i've seen him heartbroken before, but not this bad. he's hiding it though, so you wouldn't see it if you're a fan, or press." my heart breaks at his words, and i feel myself grow scared at his wellbeing. "i told him to go make it up with you, but he thinks it's the best."

"i understand where he's coming from." i murmur. "well, i understand why he broke up with me, you know he had every right to say what he did, because it's true. we were falling apart and what we had was so unhealthy."

"shawns that sort of person who knows what's going on, you and i both know that." andrew tells me, as i nod. "he's just worried for you."

"he does know that i'm not gonna find anyone who i truly love as much as him anytime soon right?" andrew shrugs at me, sighing, as i finish my coffee. "thanks for the coffee." i say, putting the mug on the table. "but, i really have to go, i can't miss my train."

"are you off to the hamptons?" he asks, as i nod again.

"yeah, some of my cousins are over there, and i just wanna be home right now." i rub my arms, folding them and standing up. "tell shawn that i don't hate him, i said stuff in anger, i understand where he's coming from."

"of course, see you soon, anya." he warmly smiles at me, holding his office door open.

"thank you, andrew, for everything." i say, giving him a hug goodbye. "i'll see you."

"bye anya." he says, as i shut the office door, making my way out of the building, dragging my suitcase behind me.
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arriving at the hamptons was pretty easy. my journey was trouble free, and i didn't have to wait that long for a taxi to take me to the house.

"anya!" i hear a todler screech, as i shut the front door behind me, putting my bags down.

"tommy, hey!" i squeal back, picking him up and twirling him about. "how are you, munchkin?"

"i'm four tomorrow!" he says loudly. "where's shawn?"

"um," i frown, trying to answer him. "he's singing to lots of people." i come up with, as tommy frowns.

"i wanted him for my birthday." he says sadly, as i hug him tighter, rubbing his back.

"we'll facetime him tomorrow, okay?" i bite my lip, stopping myself from crying, and i stand up from my crouching position, as tommy runs off again, mumbling about a car and plane.

"favourite cousin!" i hear a whale from next to me, as i chuckle softly, peter coming into my view with a hug. "how are you doing?"

"i'm better now i'm here." i answer softly, sighing. "how's kelsey?"

"she's good, her, jasmine and your mom went out shopping a while back, they should be here soon." he answers. "have you heard from shawn?" he asks me quietly, as i sigh, frowning.

"he left one of his suitcases at my place so i gave it to andrew to give to shawn, but other than that, no." i say quietly, sighing again. "it's fine, you know, i guess shawn and i both need to move on."

secretly i am hoping for shawn to move on. he deserves a happy life himself.
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shawn needs to try dream water, it'll really help with jet lag lmao