chapter sixty
fake
[shawn peter raul mendes]
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leaving her in that state was one of the hardest things i've probably ever done in my life before. her face just plainly begging me to stop, her eyes pleading for me to wrap her in my arms and never let go, her lip quivering to stop her from crying, everything.

i have to do this, she doesn't deserve any of it though. she doesn't deserve pain, or feeling heartbroken, especially from me. she deserves someone who will love her, and cherish her for who she is, and still maintain a healthy relationship with her.

what we had was unhealthy, but both of us wouldn't admit it. i criticised her, she criticised me, the endless fighting, the endless tears, the endless blind suffering, she didn't deserve any of that.

i can't even believe i did that, but deep down both of us know that it's a relief, and one of the best decisions we could've made.

"shawn?" christina opens up her apartment door, confused at why i'm there.

"andrew said everyone was here?" i croak out, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.

"oh my god shawn, what happened?" she pulls me inside by her hand, closing the door behind us.

"i-i broke up with her." i mumble, tears welling up in my eyes once more.

"you broke up?" she asks slowly, her mouth wide. "whatever happened for you two to break up?"

"chris, she deserves better than me, she deserves a relationship where promises aren't false hope, and when she can feel safe, and continue developing as a person, i'm stopping her from all of that." i explain, shakily. "i did the right thing, right?"

"if you think it's the best decision, then yeah, you did." she mumbles sympathetically. "you brought your stuff with you?"

"i was staying at her place up until an hour ago, and andrew terminated my hotel room." i say. "could i stay here?"

"of course, come on in, here let me take a few of your things," she says, picking up my guitar and suitcase. "geoff, andrew and mike are in the lounge."

"thank you so much." she takes my things to the spare room, setting things up and preparing a room for me.

i slowly walk into the lounge, hanging my head low, and feeling six eyes on me immediately.

"oh my god, you didn't." is the first thing andrew says to me. "shawn, please tell me you didn't take what i said seven months ago into consideration."

"you said it had to be a healthy relationship." i croak. "ending it made it healthy."

"shawn i didn't mean it! you love anya!" he urges, standing up.

"i do, but it's not meaningful anymore, we're saying it to keep each other together, but it's pushing us further apart." i mumble, sitting down on the couch, and putting my head in my hands. "she deserves happiness, and she's not happy being with me."

"well is she coming on tour with us? and what about your house?" geoff asks, confused. "what about her? is she okay?"

"she knows it's the best decision, and the right one too." i nod, looking at the floor. "i guess she isn't coming, and the house is in my name, she didn't really sign the right box."

"you knew this was gonna happen a long time before it actually did." mike notices, folding his arms. "you smart kid."

"it doesn't mean i feel happy about it though, but the relationship was making me feel like shit with worrying so much." i sigh, wiping my tears away. "i- we couldn't go on." i whisper, looking down.

"i'm sorry shawn." geoff says to me, putting his hand on my back. "i really am sorry that you had to end it this way, she meant a lot to you."

"she still does." i mumble, shaking my head. "hey, andrew?"

"yeah?" he asks me.

"there were a lot of things kept in our relationship that i need to get out." i start. "is there any chance we can organise a meet up so i tell my fans first? like a really last minute one, in a small hall or something like that?"

"i suppose we could, but what was hidden?" he asks.

"i just don't want to hide anything from my fans, they're gonna suspect things soon enough, and i want to be the one to tell them, not tabloids or press." i sigh.

"i'll get onto it now." he takes out his phone from his pocket, walking away to find his laptop, and sitting at the dining table to get a venue.

my phone buzzes, and i take it out, seeing anya calling me. geoff looks down at my screen and shrugs, miming for me to answer it. quickly, i walk into the spare room chris prepared for me, and i slide my thumb across the screen, answering her call.

"h-hello?" i stutter out, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"shawn, please come back." she sniffles, begging softly. "don't leave me."

"anya, this is the best for us." i urge. "please listen to me."

"why are you keeping so strong?" she whispers, croaking her voice harshly. "why can't you stay with me?"

"because i'm giving you a chance to be happier, find someone who you won't fight with all the time, find someone who will treat you right." i whisper.

"but i have! and he's breaking up with me!" she cries. "shawn, please!" she emphasises.

"darling, please don't do this." i shake my head, feeling tears brim at my eyes. "i'm sorry."

"i hate you!" she yells. "i hate you! i hate you!"

"you deserve someone who will appreciate you, and love you and mean it." i say softly. "goodbye anya."

"i hate you so much, shawn." she hangs up the phone, and i sigh, throwing my phone on my bed, putting my head in my hands, tears falling down my cheeks.

i shake with each cry, she hates me. she really hates me.

"shawn." andrew knocks on the door, walking in. "woah, what happened?" i look up, sniffling and wiping my tears.

"she hates me." i mumble, tears constantly pouring down my face.

"no she doesn't, she's probably saying that for the sake of saying it." he says to me. "you're booked in for saturday at that place where the illuminate pop up shop was, tweet out something and i'll get your web team to put tickets out."

"can you tweet it out for me? i just want to sleep." i frown.

"have you eaten dinner? we're getting pizza in." he says. "shawn i can call your dad or something."

"no-no it's fine, i'll call them later, and i'm not hungry, tell chris i said thank you for the bed." i mumble, standing up and walking to my suitcase, getting out a new shirt and tracksuits. "please, just leave me alone." i whisper, shaking my head and taking off my current shirt.

"remember the interviews tomorrow, wake up earlyish." he says. "i'm sorry, shawn."

"it's okay, it's not your fault." i say softly, changing into my new clothes. "i'll see you tomorrow andrew."

"see you." he leaves the room, shutting the door behind him, as i sigh, getting under the white sheeted bed, and leaning my head on one of the pillows. i take my phone from the side table, unlocking it and immediately going onto my contacts list, ringing up aaliyah.

"shawn? i'm about to have dinner, what is it?" she asks me concerned.

"are you at home?" i croak out, sniffling.

"oh my god, shawn what happened?" she suddenly says, stopping in her tracks from what i can hear over the phone.

"i-i broke up with anya." i cry, turning over to my side.

"oh shawn," she says softly. "what happened between you two?"

"there was nothing there, there hasn't been for a while." i explain softly. "i just- i did the right thing, right? she deserves better."

"if you think it's gonna help you, then you did." she reassures me. "you can't help yourself from having feelings."

"i guess." i sigh, wiping my eyes. "how's school?"

"it's good, a little busy, but good." she says happily. "wait i swear you had a photoshoot with anya yesterday."

"shit, i need to get andrew to tell elle to not publish them." i run a hand through my hair, turning back onto my back. "aaliyah i wish i could come home."

"can't you? you're going on tour next week, surely you can come back for a few days." she says.

"i wish i could, but i have press, and now a fan thing on saturday, and then i'm out to the uk on the following tuesday." i frown. "i miss you."

"i miss you too." she says softly. "hey should i tell mum and dad? you know about what happened?"

"please, i don't think i can tell another person today, let alone four hundred, followed by the world on saturday." i sigh.

"okay, well i'm gonna go, but if you still need to talk, call me whenever, i'll be here." i smile softly at her, nodding, but then realising she can't see me.

"thank you, i love you." i say. "i'll see you soon liyah, after europe i'm back to toronto, and you're gonna be with me in summer." i mumble.

"bye shawn." she replies. "stay strong bro, i love you." she hangs up the phone, and i sigh, putting mine down next to me again, and shutting my eyes, turning around to the other side, my reflexes reaching out for someone to hold, but then reality sinks in and i realise i have no one to hold.

what was i thinking when i said to break up?

about her, obviously. she's constantly hounded with fighting, and i don't want her to be in a relationship where all she does is fight.
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"shawn!" some girls call as my team and i walk across the roads of new york city.

"oh hey guys." i smile, turning around and greeting them. "do you want some pictures?"

"yeah!" they cheer. "how are you?"

"i'm good, how about you guys?" i say, posing for the first picture. "thanks hunny." i say, thanking the girl.

"we're great, hey we're gonna see you in manchester!" they squeal, as i smile, chuckling lightly.

"well, you guys might be seeing me earlier than that, i'm putting out a last minute show for saturday, will i see you guys there?" i ask. "well it's not really a show, more like a talking event."

"of course! how much are tickets?" they ask.

"andrew, how much are the tickets for friday?" i ask him, as the four of us turn to andrew, waiting for an answer.

"10 dollars." he says, not looking up from his phone screen.

"10 dollars." i answer for all of them. "i'll see you there, i have a few things to say."

"okay, tell anya we all say hi, see you soon shawn!" they cheerily walk away, clutching their phones in their hands, as i frown sadly, feeling my heart break even more. i guess i could text her saying they've said hi?

deciding to text her, i take my phone out of my pocket, going straight to text her, but the text not going through. oh my god, has she seriously blocked me?

i guess she really does hate me.
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shawns cover of perfect though, he finally covered it