chapter forty-one
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
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i have come to a conclusion shawn is using me. he stayed on in new york for another four weeks, and is currently staying here in his fifth week.

shawn and i have sex, basically every single day now. about two weeks ago i got my period, and shawn got mad because i couldn't have sex, so he ignored me for five days. he doesn't force me into it at all, i just see it as him using me. it's not that i mind, but it isn't fair.

he's loving to me, he says he loves me, but only to have sex with me, and i feel as though whenever we fight i have to tell him i love him, then he comes around and we sleep together.

not even our relationship has been made official again, but his fans and crew have worked it out, after all it is pretty obvious when he wears v-neck shirts.

i'm in this vicious cycle of getting my heart broken and re mended over and over again, almost like the cycle is never ending, and doesn't want me to leave it.

"no shawn, stop." i push his body off of me, as he falls, looking at me weirdly. "i'm not doing it today."

"okay." he says. "well i'm going back to my hotel."

i get it's a way he can cope with how he's feeling, and he can basically release all his anger and emotions on me in one go, but it's tiring me out and making me feel useless.

"shawn do you even love me anymore?" i whisper hurt, gathering my duvet up to my naked chest. "and be honest, don't guilt me into giving you what you want."

he scoffs, rolling his eyes. "are you on your period?"

"no." i say. "i just don't want to have sex with you."

"why?" he bluntly asks me.

"shawn we do this all the time! come on, our last fight was this morning, you stormed off and came back, apologised and started kissing me and now we're in my room naked!" i shout. "this keeps happening every day and i'm not dealing with it anymore!"

"i'm not using you!" he fights back. "it just seems like you want it too."

"i want it because i want to make you happy, and if having sex with me makes you happy then i will." i tell him.

"so why aren't you making me happy right now?" i roll my eyes, rolling on top of him, positioning myself.

"lets just get this over and done with." i mumble, as shawn flips us over, beginning to use my body.

i sigh as he leaves me, going to put his clothes on quietly, putting his jacket on and handing me some clothes of mine to wear.

"where are you going?" i ask him softly, as he opens my bedroom door. "don't leave me."

"i have to meet andrew, i'm sorry." he looks genuine for a minute, but it's replaced soon with his new look, hard staring and mysterious. it's like i don't even know him anymore.

"where are you meeting him?" i ask shawn, putting the top over my head.

"at some bar in brooklyn." he shrugs. "i'll see you tomorrow?"

"yeah." i sigh. "whatever." shawn leaves my apartment, shutting the door firmly behind him. sighing, i change into the clothes he gave me, getting up and wandering about my room, cleaning up here and there.

i still love him, crazy i know, but when you love someone as much as i do to shawn, you'd do anything to please them and keep them with you, and that's what i'm doing now.

we're off to london tomorrow for a brief stop, before travelling to manila, and then heading to japan after that. that means coping with staying in the same room as shawn throughout the entire tour. i don't think i'll be able to cope.

plodding my feet along the fluffy carpet of my apartment, i see kelsey sitting and eating a bowl of noodles.

"when did you get here?" i yawn, going to the pot to get myself some.

"only like five minutes ago, thanks for making noodles." she says, eating some of the soup.

"noodles? i didn't make noodles?" i notice a note stuck to my plate and i pick it up, examining it.

'eat something please? anya you've lost so much weight recently, i'm worried

-shawn'

i sigh, ripping up the note and taking it to the bin, chucking the rubbish in there and helping myself to the food. "what's happened now? is he still wanting sex?" i look down. "you didn't fuck him again did you?"

"i'm sorry i felt bad!" i say suddenly, looking up at her. "i can't get through to him."

"dump him! i'm telling you!" kelsey groans. "but he does make really good noodles."

"i can't dump him! that's the thing!" i shout.

"give me one reason why you can't dump him!" kelsey shouts back.

"i love him with all my heart and i want him to propose to me again because i made a mistake ending it and now he's in the state he's in!" i shout. "it's all my fault, oh my god."

"anya..." kelsey sighs. "it's not your fault, don't blame it on yourself." i sigh in frustration, sitting on a bar stool. "where is he now?"

"out with andrew in brooklyn." i answer simply. "it's just he makes me feel so loved when he does it you know?"

"oh i hear you every night, i know." i roll my eyes, shoving her.

"he's so confusing." i finally come out with. "one minute he's emotionless and then the next he's back to being caring and considerate to me."

"you're off to london tomorrow aren't you?" i nod, groaning.

"god it's gonna be so awkward from now till whenever." i sigh, checking the time. "i'm gonna go to sleep, my flight leaves at 6am." i yawn. "if you don't wake up, i'll say my goodbyes now."

we stand up, hugging each other as she holds me close to her, rubbing my back. "don't worry okay? just make the most of your time abroad, you're going to asia man." i laugh softly, rolling my eyes. "take care of yourself, and don't let yourself fall into the trap."

"i'll try my best not to." i shrug, hugging her tighter. "oh god i'm gonna miss you."

"i'll miss you too." she sighs, letting go of me, and smiling.

"night." i tell her, walking to my room and getting under the covers, warming my cold body up immediately.
-
"hey andrew." i smile, hugging him at the ghastly hour of 2am. "how are you?"

"running on no sleep, i'm surprised shawns this awake." he laughs softly, yawning as shawn finishes up with taking pictures with fans.

"how long were you two out till?" i ask, folding my arms, rubbing them to warm them up.

"oh god, i got back to the hotel an hour ago, shawn said he had to go somewhere before. something about leaving his watch at yours."

"he came to my place? i didn't even hear him come in. wait i think i was on my way here." i shrug.

"you and shawn are sitting together, is that okay?" andrew whispers lowly to me, as i nod, gulping.

"yeah that's fine."

"anya i'm not a fool, i know what's happening between you two." i sigh, looking down. "shawns going through a hard patch, you need to bring him out of that."

"i know, i know but it makes him happier the way we are going now." i bite my lip. "i can't bring him out."

"yes you can." he urges. "shawns different, he's changed since january."

"hey." shawn strolls over to us, a small smile on his face. "how are you?"

"i'm okay, tired, what about you?" i ask him, as he picks up his backpack and guitar, shrugging.

"coffee." he says to me, chuckling slightly. "do you want one after we go through security?"

"yeah sure." i nod, putting my bags onto the belt that takes them to the plane, keeping my handbag with me.

we meet up with geoff, chris and mike after going through security, learning that most of shawns team are already in london, and have been there for the past day.

"come on, lets go grab that coffee." he holds out his hand and i take it, as we wander around, finding a starbucks, and ordering two expressos, sitting on a round table for two.

"andrew was telling me that apparently the room we have in london looks out straight across the river." he says to me, trying to make conversation. "i also booked this." he holds out a piece of paper with a confirmation for two tickets to the harry potter studio tour. i smile softly, looking up at him. "i know i've been a shit boyfriend recently and not treating you well so i allocated no press for three days while we're there, just for us to have a good time."

i lean over the table, wrapping my arms around him and kissing his cheek. "thank you." he snakes his arms around my waist, hugging me back, rubbing the small of my back softly. "thank you."

"no problem." he whispers in my ear. "i'm so sorry angel."

"it doesn't matter, at least you are happy still." i say, pecking his lips. "hey i love you."

"i love you more." i sit back down, as shawn holds onto my hands, bringing them to his warm lips. "you're gorgeous."

"no i'm not." i blush. "shawn i'm wearing your top, tracksuits and a hoodie." i laugh. "i have no makeup on and my hair is in-" i gasp as he lifts his phone up and takes a picture of me with flash on.

"and that's going on snapchat." he laughs, as i roll my eyes, downing my shot of coffee. "see? 10k screenshots already, everyone thinks you're pretty." i scoff, rolling my eyes, and taking my phone out.

"so what should we do now?" shawn shrugs at me, as we approach duty free.

"duty free? i need a new cologne." shawn says, as i nod, walking in with him. he walks to the men's section, going for his usual chanel allure, as i head to the women's perfumes, browsing through the range of ysl perfumes they have. i decide on black opium, going to the queue to pay, but shawn steps in front, taking mine with his.

"like i said, you're my princess and my princess deserves everything and so much more." i blush wildly, looking down. "and also i've been a dick recently so i'm treating you."

"shawn," i laugh softly. "i can pay for it."

"well i'm paying for it now, so just take it." he goes to the cashier and pays for both of our things, handing me the bag my one was in. "here you go."

"thank you hun." i peck his cheek, making his cheeks redden slightly. "it's so cute when you blush."

"shut up." he mumbles, nudging me. "i love you." he smiles at me, as i smile back, mumbling i love you too back to him.

"should we go find the others?" i ask shawn, as he holds onto my hand again, walking through the terminal.

"yeah, come on." shawn drags me around and we reach geoff, mike and andrew who are waiting next to our gate.

"hey kids." geoff says to us, as shawn and i roll our eyes.

"hi old man." shawn says to him, laughing. "also i'm not doing any shows while i'm here right?"

"no, don't worry." andrew says, laughing. i sigh, sitting next to andrew on one of the chairs as shawn starts talking to geoff. "have you two made up?" andrew whispers to me.

"we were never fighting." i shrug. "but in the other sense, i guess." i mumble. "we'll find out tonight, well when we get to the hotel."

"i can talk to him if you feel uncomfortable right?" i shake my head no.

"no, there's no need, he's fine." i say softly.

"anya i'm tired." shawn moans, sitting next to me and putting his head on my shoulder. i laugh softly, rolling my eyes.

"only an hour before you can fully sleep okay?" i whisper, putting my hands in his hair.

"hmm you smell good."
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how! is! this! book! so! popular!

also i might be going to london night two and meeting him backstage what