chapter forty
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
-
shawn and i aren't technically together in real terms, so to his fans, press, family and most friends (apart from shawns team and brian) think we are still broken up, and not getting back together any time soon, but still friends.

that means that when in la and i happen to bump into brooklyn whilst i'm out with brian, geoff, chris and shawn, i can't do things in a way to make brooklyn thinks i'm back with shawn.

"anya! hey!" he says to me, laughing and we greet each other with a hug on hollywoods walk of fame.

"brooklyn! hey!" i laugh back, letting go of the hug. "you didn't tell me you were gonna be in la!"

"a spontaneous trip." he says to me. "no, my dad is here and because i am in the states i decided to fly over to la in my private jet."

"oh wow, that's fancy." i comment, laughing. "where is your dad?"

"in a restaurant, i'm supposed to be meeting him." he laughs, hugging me again. "i'll see you when i'm back in the city?" i nod at him.

"yeah of course." he smiles at me, pressing a kiss on my cheek before running back off. i sigh, turning around, biting my lip and seeing shawn standing there, his arms crossed, and an annoyed look on his face.

"shawn you know we can't just go out as a couple." i tell him softly. "i didn't know he was going to kiss my cheek, but he's my friend too shawn, you can't stop that."

"i know, i know." shawn sighs, running a hand through his hair. "it's just stuff happened between us because of him, and i can't help but feel like that again."

i smile sadly at him, looking down. "don't worry shawn, i wouldn't dream of doing it in the first place." i whisper quietly. "now come on, lets get back to the hotel, i really need to kiss you."

his cheeks redden slightly, as he smiles, turning around and walking to hail a taxi. i inform brian, geoff and chris that we are leaving, before joining shawn in the taxi, taking a seat next to him. he looks at me, pure innocence over his face, and his eyes beady.

"honey what's wrong?" i ask him quietly, placing my hand on his cheek, examining his face.

"this." he says softly. "anya i can't hold your hand whilst walking around places, i can't show attention to you in public too much when my fans are around, i can't kiss you and call you mine to so many people- and i know i said i wanted a casual relationship but it kills me because we have to go to a hotel just to kiss."

"then do it shawn." i tell him. "we can still keep it casual."

"anya i-i think we should go back to what we used to be." he squeaks out.

"what do you mean? you want to be engaged again?" he sighs at me, removing my hand from his face.

"no." he says slowly. he takes a breath, looking at me. "don't get annoyed, but andrew thinks it's the best, and the writing segment you're doing is failing- and i don't want you to not earn money anymore so-" he cuts himself off, scanning my face. "andrew and i decided that we should start up the fake relationship again, but this time keep it fake for a while, instead of two weeks."

"w-what?" i stutter out.

"think about it anya- i can hold your hand, i can tell you you're beautiful whenever i want- i can say this song is for my girlfriend when i'm performing- i can kiss you when i feel like it!" he says to me.

"i can't believe it." i mumble. it's like he wants us to be fake. it's like he wants us to be trapped in this never ending cycle of not understanding each other fully and not meaning anything to each other. "i guess i don't have a choice in it because of that signed paperwork i saw in your hotel room this morning." i spit.

"i'm sorry anya- but we can be out there again." shawn persuades me.

"whatever." i move up to the window, leaning my head against it, crossing my legs together.

"anya-" shawn tells me, moving next to me. "i love you." i roll my eyes at him, folding my arms. "anya are you mad?"

"am i?" i burst. "god it's like i don't mean anything to you! you only care about press and what you look like to the media and the world! you don't care about me!"

"i do care about you!" shawn argues back. "i care about you so much, baby believe me."

"i shouldn't even have forgiven you in the first place in january." i spit. "maybe then i would only have a month left with your pissy ass."

"anya i'm sorry but-" i scoff, cutting him off.

"but what?" he stays quiet, as i laugh sarcastically. "exactly."

"i should've never mentioned it, i'm sorry." shawn whispers to me, as i roll my eyes again, looking out of the window as we drive down streets to the hotel.

"anya don't shut me out." shawn begs. "i need you."

"you have a right hand for a reason." i tell him, getting out of the taxi as soon as we get to the hotel. i storm into the hotel, rushing up to my room before shawn can catch up with me.

"what the fuck?" i push my card key into the slot, and the door doesn't open. i try again a few more times, before i sigh, lugging myself back to the lobby.

"hi miss, anything we could help you with?" the man at the reception asks me. "wait, anya?"

"sebastian?" i ask. "oh hey, how are you? sorry i didn't come that day, i actually forgot what happened but i'm sorry i didn't come."

he laughs at me, shrugging. "anything i can do for you?" i nod.

"yeah, my key isn't working." i put my card on the desk, as he looks at it, noting the hotel room number, before typing a few things on the system.

"you've been moved to a different room, a suite." he tells me. "suite 3207, your luggage should be there."

"am i sharing the suite with my roommate? her names christina chow." i ask.

"no, you're sharing the suite with shawn mendes."

my mouth gapes open, as i shake my head, going into my bag and getting out my purse. "any chance you have spare rooms in the hotel?" i ask, getting out my credit card.

"the manager of this trip told us that only he can change rooms." i sigh, rolling my eyes.

"fucking andrew." i mumble. "thanks sebastian anyway, i'll take my new key." he nods, taking out another card and handing it to me.

"see you around." i wave, taking my feet to the elevators up to the rooms.

i sigh, going up to floor three, getting out of the lift and walking through the never ending corridors of misery, finding my room.

unlocking it, i come face to face with a shirtless shawn, a towel draped loosely over his waist. "yeah i forgot to tell you- andrew changed our rooms, he wants this relationship to start." i roll my eyes, walking in, seeing there's only one bedroom.

"wait, he didn't get two rooms?" i ask shawn, turning around again. "you've got to be kidding me! i need my own space!"

"i'm not that bad a sleeper, you know that." shawn says.

"i'll take the couch." i mumble, looking at my watch and seeing its late, 11pm late.

i wander around the suite, opening cabinets to find a spare blanket. i open one under the tv, finding a duvet and pillows. i smile, taking them out and placing them on the sofa. quickly setting up my makeshift bed, i take myself to the closet, where there's a door leading to the bathroom. my clothes are already hanging up on the hangers, so i grab a pair of leggings and a hoodie, before entering the bathroom, taking my wash bag with me.

i do my nightly routine, exiting the bathroom back to my bed, seeing shawn in it instead.

"what are you doing? we aren't sleeping together." i tell him, folding my arms.

"you deserve more comfort than me." he shrugs, putting his phone down. "you can have the bed, i'll take the couch."

"i can take the-" he shakes his head, cutting me off.

"just take the bed." shawn says softly to me. i nod, walking into the bedroom and crawling into the covers.

maybe i did overreact. i don't want to be his girlfriend and get paid for it, i want to be his girlfriend just to be with him, and because i love him.

okay, i did overreact about the entire situation. shawn needs the press in europe, according to his fans in the uk, they hardly hear him on the radio anymore. by him coming out with being together with his ex again, the spotlight will be directed back on him.

i can't help to feel scared though. this week we hadn't disagreed with anything, usually we disagree every single day, more or less.

i check my phone, seeing it's 1am, and i hear a quiet noise of music from the main room. he's awake. i rise from my bed, opening the door and walking into the room, sitting on the armchair next to the sofa.

john mayer's dreaming with a broken heart plays, and i look at shawn, seeing him asleep, the music playing on his phone.

i reach for it, turning it down, and placing it back on the table, putting it back on charge.

sighing, i stand up, seating myself on the sofa, next to shawn, so i'm sitting near his hands, and i'm facing his face.

i raise my hand, running it through his hair, cupping his cheek and brushing my thumb over his face. tears start sliding down his cheeks, and i scrunch my face up in confusion. is he crying in his sleep?

"shhh." i coo to him, wiping away his tears. his eyes open, and go wide, getting scared at me sitting there. "hey don't worry, it's just me."

"a-anya?" he whispers. "why aren't you asleep?"

"i couldn't." i shrug. "shawn i'm sorry i overreacted."

"i don't blame you, i knew you wouldn't like it either." he sits up, running a hand through his hair.

"i don't know why i did." i tell him. "i want to be able to do the same, i don't want to be paid for it though."

"then why do we have to complicate things? take the money, come on andrews desperate." i laugh softly.

"okay." i say after a few minutes. "lets do it."

"what?" shawn asks me softly. "oh my god, anya i love you so much."

"can i sleep here?" i ask him, as he nods, moving up to the back of the couch, letting me have half of the space. he snakes his hands around my waist, pulling me closer to his chest.

"i promise to never fuck up anything between us." shawn mumbles to me, holding my hands in his. "i promise to make you feel loved and cherished and happy whenever we're together, i promise to never get jealous around brooklyn, i promise to never ever do a camila again, i promise to listen to you and hear your side of things and i promise to be yours forever." he presses his lips to the back of my neck, as i shut my eyes, a blush coating my cheeks.

"i promise the same to you." i mumble back, as he holds me tighter, trailing kisses up my neck to my jawline. "so when do we come out as a couple again?"

"tomorrow." shawn answers.

"i'm scared." i tell him.

"oh honey, i've passed scared and gone straight into shitting myself with nervousness."

"people are gonna react so badly." i whisper, as he chuckles, nodding.

"i know." he sighs. "but we have to be stronger okay? don't let the hate get to us."

"goodnight shawn." i whisper, shutting my eyes, as i feel him press his lips to my cheek.

"goodnight anya." he mumbles back. "i love you so much."

"i love you more." i reply, falling asleep with a smile painted on my face.
-
"shawn!" i shout, waking him up from his third nightmare in two hours. "shawn! it's not real!"

"o-oh god." he stutters, sitting up next to me. "what's happening to me?"

i straddle his waist, examining his face, seeing tears pooling at his eyes. "at least you're okay." he whispers to me. "the amount of times i lost you over the past 24 hours is insane. real and not."

"shawn, you're okay." i whisper to him. "you're safe, it was just your imagination playing tricks on you, you're fine."

"i'm gonna stay awake tonight, go to sleep honey." he mumbles to me, pulling my cold body to his chest.

"shawn you need to sleep too." he sighs, shutting his eyes, but opening them straight after.

"will you hold me?" i nod, sitting up so shawn can rest on me. he nestles his head onto my neck, leaning on my shoulder and chest, shutting his eyes as i wrap my arms around him, twisting our legs together. "you're so perfect anya."

"i'm far from it." i say softly. "you shawn, are."

"i'm not." he chuckles sadly. "look at me i'm scared from a nightmare, i'm not perfect."

"yes you are honey." i knot my hands in his hair. "you are truly 100% incredibly perfect."

"anya i knew your earrings were special to you and i still threw them out of the window." he says, getting annoyed at me. "i'm the worst."

"shawn you aren't, you're the best." i say. "and you found them again, no other guy i know would've done that." shawn sighs at me, pulling his head away from my chest and standing up from the sofa.

"if you're not using the bed, i am." he says, scoffing and walking into the bedroom.

what did i do? what's wrong with him? do i go after him? i stand up quickly, following him, but he slams the door shut, clicking the lock. leaning against the white door i sigh, sliding down it so i'm sitting.

"shawn." i mumble. "don't shut me out."

"i just need some privacy okay?" he squeaks out, his voice cracking at the end. "go to sleep anya."

"but-" i cut myself off, standing up. "i'm here for you if you want to talk, remember that."

he doesn't reply, so i take my tired feet to the sofa, curling up, resting my head against the pillow and shutting my eyes, falling back into slumber almost immediately.
-
"good morning." shawn says, walking into the main room, waking me. "i'm going to the gym."

"wait shawn." i say softly. "i love you." he looks at me, a sense of hope crossed over his face. he puts down his phone, taking out his earplugs and walking forward to me, lifting me up, and placing me on the marble counter, him standing in between my legs.

almost immediately he reaches forward, grasping my lips with his, kissing me hard, as if it's a need and a craving, more than comfort and passion. i bring my hands up around his neck, cupping his left cheek with one hand, and resting the other around his neck, pulling him closer to me.

"here or the bedroom?" he asks me hungrily, unbuttoning the shirt of his i changed into at night.

"anywhere, i don't care." i moan as his lips find my neck, lifting me up and taking me into the bedroom, laying me down on the bed.

shawn finishes, breathing heavily and getting off me, lying down and pulling my sweaty body to his.

"i guess i won't be having to go to the gym today."