chapter fifty-nine
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
-
shawn dozes off at around 6 that night, and i manage to wriggle myself away from his arms to grab my phone. i decide on calling up his mum, to you know, see if anything is wrong.

dialling up her number, i press the phone to my ear, letting it ring a few times, before she answers.

"anya dear, how are you?" she chirps, as a small smile comes on my face.

"i'm great, how are you, karen?" i ask back, as she responds with a good.

"so, why did you call?" she chuckles, as i sigh, looking around my flat.

"i can call you back i you're busy-"

"nonsense, i'm not doing anything right now." she shakes off, as i smile again softly, taking a breath.

"is shawn okay? like is he actually okay?" i ask her quietly. "we had a really long talk today and he's scared of so many things, karen. i'm worried for him."

"i'm sure it's nothing serious, i mean he has been slightly stressed recently, but he's looking okay." she says. "what is he worried about honey?"

"oh, uh, our relationship, and me, and his feelings towards me." i bite my lip, leaning on the counter and looking at his sleeping figure.

"oh dear, maybe try and ask him why, has anything happened?" she asks me, concerned.

"i mean we had a little falling out, but it wasn't big. i'm just worried that when we get on tour he's gonna be, what's the word, slightly off?" i explain, sitting at one of the bar stools. "i'm really worried about him."

"he wouldn't want you worrying anya, don't worry too much." karen sympathises.

"i know, i know, i just can't help to feel like some of it is my fault, i mean i am the other person in the relationship." i explain, trailing my eyes to shawn.

"neither of you are to blame, somehow this is how certain relationships work, and maybe yours works like this." she says.

"but it's not healthy." i frown. "we always fight, or worry about our love for each other, or scream at each other for no apparent reason." i look down. "i hate it so much."

"i know it seems hard but shawn loves you so much, it's weird to think he doesn't love you, because he's head over heels in love with you." she says, making me blush slightly. "i have to go, aaliyah needs picking up from her friends place."

"oh, okay, tell her i say hi, and thank you so much for talking to me karen." i say, thankful.

"it was my pleasure, and don't worry too much, okay?" she asks me. "hopefully i'll see you soon, keep well."

"you too, and i'll see you soon." i hang up my phone, placing it back on the counter, and standing up from the stool, walking towards shawn. i see he could be a little bit cold, so i rush to my room, grabbing a duvet and coming back into the living room, draping it over shawns frame.

i curl up on one of the armchairs, looking at him, sighing. how could someone so amazing be thinking of things to make them upset?

he stays asleep for another hour, before he wakes up, confused at why a duvet is over him.

"hey, you looked cold so i got you a duvet." i say, standing up from the armchair, stretching slightly, and walking over to him.

"oh, thank you." he yawns, stretching out on the seat. "why didn't you wake me up?"

"you looked like you needed to sleep." i shrug, sitting next to him, as he removes the duvet from him slightly, so it's on me too.

"what have you been doing for the past hour then?" he chuckles nervously, wrapping an arm around me.

"reading, cleaning, you know, the usual." i list, making him smile softly.

"you're still gonna live with me, right?" he asks softly, as i nod, looking up at him.

"yeah, of course." i smile, running my hand through his hair. "i love you, shawn."

"i love you too, baby." he whispers, croaking slightly. "i really need to tell the hotel i won't be staying there for the rest of my time here."

"i texted andrew, he's sorting it out for you, don't worry." i mumble, looking up at him. "shawn i'm really worried about you."

"i am too." he sadly smiles at me, bringing his hand to tuck away a piece of my hair. "i'm fine, anya, don't worry about me."

"shawn i can't stop myself from worrying about you." i frown, looking down from his gaze. "you do know that i'm always here right, whenever you need me?"

"i know." he mumbles, tilting my chin up, and looking at me. "same goes for you." he leans down, pressing his soft lips to mine, and i smile slightly into the kiss, kissing him back softly, before pulling away.

the door starts to rattle, and i jump up, shawn and i turning our heads to look at the front door, which is currently being unlocked.

"kelsey?" i ask, as the door opens, revealing peter and kelsey. "since when did you two get back so early?"

"there was a cyclone warning so we had to leave early." kelsey sighs, holding her protruding baby bump, and walking into the apartment, peter trailing behind her and holding the bags.

"how was the trip?" i ask, standing up to greet her with a hug, as she sighs happily, chuckling softly.

"it was great! peter fell off a jet ski, that was funny." i laugh, letting go of her to greet peter.

"sup little baby." he teases, hugging me. "how's my favourite cousin?"

"good, how's my least favourite cousin?" i tease back, as he nudges me slightly, chuckling. "so are you two staying here or something?" i ask, whilst everyone greets each other.

"yeah, we are, but don't worry, it'll be like we aren't even here." kelsey says, pointing at shawn and i.

"no, it's fine, honestly, it was getting kind of lonely here even though shawns been staying." i shrug, as shawn nods too.

"yeah, anya's boring." he chuckles, making me roll my eyes.

"so i heard you two had a photoshoot today?" kelsey asks, sitting down on one of the bar stools.

"yeah, that was fun." shawn mumbles, grasping his hand in mine. "i loved it, and i'm sure the pictures are gonna turn out amazing."

"mhm." i nod, smiling. "when's the baby due?" i ask kelsey, as she smiles softly, rubbing her bump.

"july, early july." she beams, holding her bump. shawn smiles softly, and looks down and his ring i gave him.

he genuinely would be the best father out there.

"hey peter? does tommy need babysitting anytime soon? because i'm free for the next week." i shrug, as i see shawn looks a lot more excited in two seconds.

"i can ask my mom, oh and also kelsey and i will be staying here too." he says. "why?"

"i miss tommy, and i guess shawn does too." i pout. "can't you guys go to the hamptons?"

"i suppose we could." kelsey nods, looking at peter. "we can't start looking at houses then, baby."

"we could, okay yeah i'll call my mom, i think she's thinking of coming to the city tomorrow anyway, well just to see kelsey, but i'll get her to bring tommy with her and take us back." he takes out his phone, walking into kelsey's room to sort things out. kelsey waddles after him, shutting the door behind them, leaving shawn and i to ourselves.

"why did you suggests for us to look after tommy?" shawn asks curiously, rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb.

"because," i begin. "i know how much you love kids, and you need a little cheering up." i smile gently at him, as he sends one back to me.

"you're the best." he mumbles, turning to face me, and wrapping his arms loosely around my waist, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "i miss performing."

"you'll be doing in soon again, after a week." i remind him, as he sighs, leaning his chin on top of my head.

"i know, i just want to do it right now. that would make me feel so much more better." he murmurs. "i mean, you make me feel better, but performing would really make me feel so much more calmer."

"hey, i'm here." i whisper, pulling away so i'm facing him. "i'm not gonna leave you anytime soon." i bring my fingertips to his forehead, brushing away a few stray hairs. "shawn calm down, please sweetheart?"

"i'm not worried about me." he mumbles. "i'm worried about us."

"what do you mean shawn?" i ask, scanning his confused face.

"i mean we keep trying to push ourselves back together," he sighs, letting go of my waist. "how are we supposed to live together if all we're doing is not moving forward, and staying in one place?" he whispers. "anya we've stayed in the same situation for the past three weeks, promising each other empty promises."

"shawn don't do this." i mumble. "don't ditch us."

"you don't deserve this." he croaks out, his eyes filling with tears. "i've been debating it for a while now-"

"for a while?" i burst. "why did you even offer to buy a house with me?"

"it was after that." he looks down at the floor.

"i don't understand shawn." i say, frowning at him. "literally ten minutes ago you were saying how much you love me, and twenty seconds ago you were saying and being loving towards me, shawn what snapped?"

"believe me, i don't want to do this, but anya, we're going nowhere." he mumbles. "you deserve someone who can say they love you, and move forward with your love."

"but i have that with you!" i moan, folding my arms. "shawn, please."

"i can't keep going on like this, anya!" he shouts. "i can't keep saying i love you to you when i know-" he cuts himself off.

"when you know what?" i beg, tears filling my eyes. "shawn, i love you!" i exclaim, stepping towards him.

"when i know that i don't mean it!" he bursts. "i can't do this anymore."

"y-you don't love me?" i whisper.

"no, no baby, of course i do." he mumbles. "i just- i don't mean it like i should, and neither do you, it's like we're saying these things because we still want something to be there!"

"what about the house then?" i ask, folding my arms.

"i've paid for it, and i can continue paying for it, brian will move in with me, i don't know." he runs his hand through his hair.

"you're gonna give up on us?" i whisper, my voice going slightly shaky. "shawn, please don't."

"you don't deserve this, anya." he says sadly. "you're beautiful, and intelligent, and deserving of someone who won't keep you in one place, and will keep you developing as a person." he explains. "and i can't give you that."

"yes you can shawn, you have for the past seven months." i remind him. "yes, you can."

"no," he chuckles nervously. "i can't."

"don't leave me, shawn." i mumble, shaking my head. "don't even think about it."

"i've already been thinking about it for the past month, or more to be fair." he mumbles. "i thought buying a house would push us together again, but i guess not."

"shawn, that house is in my name too! we've been planning the house, ordering furniture!" i list, tears fluttering down my cheeks.

"no, it isn't." he says. "i knew somehow something could go wrong, so i left it in my name, and payed the majority with my cheque book."

"shawn, what are you even doing?" i croak, as he sighs, turning around and walking into my room. "shawn!" i call after him, following him through the door, and seeing him packing away his things. "shawn, stop!" i yell, wiping my tears, and pushing away his hands from his belongings. "stop it! you don't know what you're doing."

"i do, and this is what you deserve." he mumbles. "find someone else, you don't need me."

"i do, shawn! i do!" i bargain, snatching his shirt from his hands, and holding it mine instead. "you're the only one i need!"

"anya, please." he mews, dropping his shoulders and turning to me. "please, just let me go."

"no!" i yell. "you mean too much to me!"

"stop trying to piece us back together, it won't work!" he yells. "we moved too fast, and now look where we are!"

"we can take things slow-"

"no." he decides. "we are not continuing trying to find some equilibrium in this relationship, you know as well as i do that there's one side of breaking up weighing us down." breaking up. he actually said it.

"breaking up?" i croak out, dropping his shirt onto the bed. "no shawn, i refuse." i fold my arms, looking at him.

"anya, we can't keep going on with false hope." he urges. "we ended a long time ago, and you know that."

he's right, i do know that. somewhere in my mind i have kept this doubt that we are fighting for something that is so far from our grasp, and still looking for it is tiring us out emotionally, physically and mentally.

"i'm sorry." he mumbles, zipping up his suitcase, and putting his guitar away in his case.

"but andrew cancelled your room." i add, trying to get him to stay.

"i'll bunk with geoff tonight." he shrugs, picking up his stuff. "anya, this is right for us." i look down, chewing on my bottom lip to stop myself from crying. "we need to end this before we get too hurt to even compromise what's happening."

"so this is it?" i croak out in a whisper, looking up at him. "shawn i-"

"you find someone who can give you the love i can't." he begs. "please, anya."

"i-i-" i start, my bottom lip quivering. "please don't go."

he sighs, stepping towards me and pulling me into his arms again, rubbing my back softly. "i'm setting you free, anya, go become that journalist you want to be." i can hear that he's trying to stop himself from breaking down. "you know it's right."

of course i know it's right.

he pulls away from me, picking up guys things, and sending me a sad smile, before gathering himself out of the door and into the awaiting elevator.

it's like this entire romance was planned.
-
oops