chapter eighty-six
fake
[shawn peter raul mendes]
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breathe in. the doctors rush about me, not telling me a thing about what's going on. breathe out. people are waiting impatiently around me, arguing with each other because of how long everything's taking. breathe in. they said she would be okay. breathe out. is she even okay? breathe in. is she alive? breathe out. maybe they're telling me she's okay to not worry me because she really isn't okay.

breathe in. the doctor telling me what's going on rushes out of one room going into another. breathe out. i think someone got the news of their loved one passing away. breathe in. i look at my wrist, seeing it to be only 3pm. breathe out. calm down shawn.

shakily, i take my phone out of my pocket, dialling up anya's mothers number, pressing the device to my ear.

"hello?" she answers.

"m-mrs steinburg." i choke out.

"shawn? what's wrong?" she asks confused, as a tear falls down my cheek.

"a-anya-anya- she's b-been shot." i stutter out, sniffling. "t-the doctors-"

"w-what?" she asks quietly, as i let out a sob. "n-no shawn, don't cry."

"there was so much blood." i cry.

"s-she'll make it." she reassures me. "she's strong." i nod, wiping my tears, before clearing my throat. "i'll get the next flight out."

"o-okay." i stutter. "i'm so sorry, mrs steinburg. i-i was supposed to protect her."

"shawn don't blame yourself." she tells me softly. "i'll see you soon, keep my updated." she chokes out a sob, before hanging up on me.

breathe in. i put my phone back into my pocket, sitting back down onto one of the hospital chairs. breathe out. slowly, the doctor comes out with a frown on his face. breathe in. i'm sure it's nothing. breathe out. she's dead.

"family of miss steinburg?" the doctor asks, looking at his clipboard. i stand up frightened, slowly walking towards the doctor. "relation?"

"i-i'm her boyfriend." i stutter out.

"come with me." i nod, following the doctor to outside of one hospital room, the blinds closed. "so, how do you feel? i know these situations are horrible, and you still look very young, both of you."

"numb." i whisper. "you can't let her die."

"she's not going to die." the doctor reminds me. "mr mendes, we will assure you, she is not going to die."

"can i see her?" i ask softly, trying to look into the room.

"she's not awake yet, but i have to warn you," the doctor sighs. "the bullet practically shattered her collarbone, and she had to have a blood transfusion," he begins. "apart from the immense pain, there is a possibility that the nerve impulses to the brain could have been damaged, meaning that her memories could be altered, or she won't be able to move her hand," he pauses for a brief second. "in addition, she will be suffering from some sort of mental disorientation because of what she went through. be careful around her."

"what do you mean by memories? is there a chance she wouldn't know me?" i ask, confused at the situation.

"no, well we don't know. we'll only know when she wakes up." the doctor explains. "you're welcome to go in."

slowly, i open up the door, shutting it behind me, seeing anyas practically lifeless body hooked up to machines and IVs. i gape my mouth open, bringing my hand to my lips as tears well up in my eyes.

"anya?" i whisper, sitting in the chair next to her bed, and grasping her hand in mine. it's warm, so i guess that's a good sign. "hey hunny." i bring her hand to my lips, pecking it gently, before placing our joint hands back onto the bed. "please wake up. i don't like seeing you like this."

i hear a quiet moan, and i feel a squeeze of my hand. "anya?" i question. "are you awake?"

carefully, she opens her eyes, squinting at the soft light of the hospital room. she looks around, straining her neck, and shuffling in pain. she moans slightly, her eyes filling with tears, as she looks up at me, noticing me in the room.

"hey baby." i choke out a sob, tears running freely down my face. "you're okay."

"w-wat-water." she stutters, opening her mouth slightly. i look around the room, seeing a jug of water in the corner, with a glass. i stand up, going to fill her up a glass, and bringing it back to where we were sitting, slowly helping her to drink it.

"slow hun, don't drink it fast." i dribble some of the water into her mouth, as she sighs in bliss, but still shifts uncomfortably because of the pain. "i'm gonna go get the doctor, okay?"

"mhm." she mumbles, looking around the room. i step outside, looking from side to side, seeing the doctor writing a few things down.

"hi, doctor." i say, catching his attention. "she's awake."

"i'll send a nurse in, in a few moments. just wait with her for the time being." the doctor says to me. "is she okay?"

"i guess, i mean i think she knows who i am, i don't know, we haven't really spoken much." i shrug, walking back into the hospital room, seeing anya staring directly at me.

"s-shawn?" she mumbles. "w-what happened?"

"hun, don't worry," i sit down next to her again. "y-you got shot." i explain, my voice cracking at the end. "you're okay, everything's fine."

"i-i'm sor-sorry- ab-about ruin-ruining our trip." she says softly.

"you didn't ruin it baby, you being okay is the only thing that matters." i remind her softly, sniffling through my tears.

the door opens and a nurse steps in, smiling at our join hands. "hello miss steinburg, how are you feeling?"

"i-in pain." she stutters out, as i squeeze her gently.

"we're gonna do a few tests on you shortly, stay here for a few minutes." the nurse tells us softly. "mr mendes, would you please step outside with me for a moment?" i look down at anya, leaning down and pressing my lips to her forehead, seeing her smile sadly back at me.

"hi, is everything okay?" i ask, shutting the door behind me.

"you may want to come into an office, with me." she guides me to an empty office, sitting behind the desk. i sit in the chair in front of her, looking confused.

"so what's up?" i ask, looking around the small room.

"mr mendes, we have seen previously that miss steinburg has suffered a miscarriage?" i nod at the nurse, shuffling forward on my chair slightly. "the gunshot seems to have shot through a specific set of nerves connected to the hormones which women have to release an egg." she takes a breath. "did the doctor who dealt with the miscarriage say anything about infertility?"

"i-i'm not so sure, we were on a break at the time." i stutter out. "what do you mean? c-could she be infertile?"

"we will do tests to decide, but there is a very small chance." the nurse says calmly to me. "i'm so sorry to inform you." i slowly stand up, my hands shaking slightly, before walking back out of the office and into tanya's hospital room.

we might not be able to have kids?

"hey." anya says softly, looking up at me. "w-what's wrong?"

"i'll tell you later." i wave it off, sitting back next to her, and holding her hand in mine. "i called your mom, she's going to be flying out here today."

"oh." she mumbles, shuffling in her bed. "i'm hungry." i chuckle lightly, squeezing her hand.

"i think you're gonna have to wait till they give you food." she groans, making me smile at her. "i'm so sorry about what happened." i whisper.

"you couldn't stop this from happening." she murmurs back, looking up at me.

"no, not that." i sigh. "what caused you to go out in the first place." she looks away from me. "i want you to know that whatever happened between me and that girl didn't mean anything to me, i was drunk, and a moment didn't go by after it happened that i didn't feel guilty. i am so incredibly sorry for abusing your trust like that, i love you."

"that's okay." she mumbles. "forgive and forget." she weakly smiles at me, holding out her hand to cup my cheek. "i love you." i lean down, pressing my lips to hers slowly, kissing her gently, before pulling away and sending her a sad smile. "i-i can't believe this stopped our trip to paris."

"that's okay, i'll take you next year." i remind her. my phone starts buzzing in my pocket, and i sigh, seeing it's kelsey calling. "hello?" i answer.

"is anya okay?" she shouts through the phone, panicked.

"she's fine, she's awake, but in pain." i say calmly.

"w-who is it?" anya mumbles, looking at me.

"kelsey." i answer. "do you wanna talk to her?"

"put me on loudspeaker shawn." kelsey says softly, as i take my phone away from my ear, pressing on the loudspeaker button.

"hey kels." anya says tiredly, a small smile on her lips.

"oh my god anya- you scared all of us!" kelsey cries, sniffling slightly. "your parents, peter, matthew and i, and jasmine are all on our way out tomorrow, okay?"

"y-you guys didn't need to come." anya stutters out, chuckling softly. "i miss you."

"i miss you too." kelsey sad softly. "stay strong."

"i will, and shawns here which is good." anya says. "i-i'll see you soon kelsey."

"alright, bye." she says, before hanging up. i take my phone back, putting it back into my pocket, and looking at anya who has tears welling up in her eyes.

"baby, what's wrong?" i whisper, pecking her cheek softly.

"i-i just miss my family." she sniffles, as i wipe away her tears.

"hi miss steinburg, we're going to do some tests on you now." the doctor comes in, two nurses by his side, carrying a tray of different medical instruments. "mr mendes, you will have to leave the room."

"okay." i nod, looking down at anya, pressing my lips to hers briefly. "i'll be just outside, ill see you soon okay?"

"g-go eat something shawn." she tells me softly. "i love you."

"i love you more, gorgeous." i bring her hand to my lips, kissing it gently, before letting go of her hand and walking out of the hospital room, shutting the door firmly behind me.

at least she's okay.
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genuinely feeling like shawns songs describe my love life, i literally want to hug him and say how meaningful his songs are to me personally