chapter eighty-seven
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
-
it's been about four weeks since... since the event happened. i can't even think about it without freezing, and feeling as though all happiness and serenity has been drained out of me. shawn keeps saying it's how i'm reacting to the event, but i think it's to do with me not being able to trust my own decisions anymore. if i forgave shawn, and never went out in the first place, none of this would have happened to me. i wouldn't have been injured, shawn wouldn't have to cancel his press events for most of november, and most of all, we wouldn't be in a situation where i'm consistently being treated as the fragile one in the relationship.

it's been four weeks, physically, i've healed well, and i'm able to do things again, like flying to australia for shawns next round of tour dates, which we are currently preparing for in toronto.

shawn and i also found out that, well, if it comes to a stage where we want to try for children, it will be hard for me, considering i now have neuronic hormonal problems due to nerve endings and synapses being destroyed through my injury. it's okay though, there is IVF treatment, surrogate babies, but then again there is still a small possibility i can get pregnant, however it will just be slightly difficult when it comes to actually trying for the baby.

shawn sits peacefully at the other end of his dining table, scribbling away in his notebook full of song lyrics, looking up every so often to send me a soft smile.

we haven't spoken at all today. we fought last night, about the situation of kids, and how our relationship is supposed to progress in a state where shawn still thinks i can't do things on my own. we both yelled at each other, but my intuitions make me believe that it's all the emotions that have been built up over the past few weeks.

the main house landline begins to ring loudly, the melody casting its way through the house. i sigh, standing up and walking to a phone to answer it.

"hello?" i call, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

"hi anya." geoff says through the phone. "how are you holding up?"

"i'm okay." i shrug, folding my arms and leaning against the counter. "how are you?"

"good, good, so we're all heading to australia soon, eh?" he says, trying to cast a light hearted attitude on the situation.

"yeah, i can't wait." i laugh. "i've actually missed australia a lot, i really loved it when we were there last year."

"that's good to hear, hey just saying, mike was talking about rehearsals at some stage today? maybe meet at shawns place in about two hours, and use his studio?" geoff suggests.

"hold on, let me ask him." i take the phone off my ear, as shawn looks up from his song writing, furrowing his eyebrows at me. "shawn, geoff's saying for all of you to get together here for rehearsals in about two hours?" shawn shrugs, nodding.

"that sounds okay, i guess." he decides. "tell him to be here at about 3." he says, looking down at his watch.

"geoff be here at like 3." i say through the phone. "that's what shawn said."

"okay, see you soon then." geoff says.

"see you." i hang up the phone, placing it back onto the table, and sighing, before taking my seat back at the dining table. shawn looks up at me, sending me another sad smile, before sliding across his songbook, and raising his eyebrows at me. "what?" i ask, gazing down at it.

"read it." he says, folding his arms, and moving slightly forward on his chair, looking straight at me.

i wander my eyes to the page, the words dancing into a section of pure poetry, standing out of the page as a song.

"you wrote about hardships? again?" i question, gazing over the last couple sections.

"i wrote about you." he whispers. "anya, i know what you're going through is horrible, but i'm always gonna be here for you, always." shawn sighs, standing up and walking around to me, crouching down next to me. "we will figure this all out, i promise you anya."

tears well up in my eyes as i quickly throw my arms around shawns neck, getting off my chair and embracing him. he pulls me onto his lap, and we sit on the marble floor, both holding each other, shawn slowly trailing his fingertips over my back.

"thank you." i whisper, a few tears falling down my cheeks. "thank you." i repeat.

"it's okay darling." shawn whispers. "always, hun, i'll always be right here. you can always talk to me, about anything."

"i'm sorry i can't give you kids." i cry, hurrying my head into his shoulder.

"we don't know that, there are ways we can have kids." shawn whispers softly, pecking my cheek. "lets just focus on getting you okay again."

"i'm so sorry." i whisper, as shawn holds me tighter, rubbing my back. "even for this morning, i didn't mean to snap at you."

"hun, it's okay." shawn pecks my cheek again, pulling away from the hug and looking at me. "it's okay anya."

"i'm gonna cook some lunch for us." i say shakily, standing up from shawns embrace. "what do you want to eat love?"

"pasta or something? i'll put the grill on for dinner, since geoff and my band are gonna be here. actually i should go get some burgers or something, will you be okay alone? i can call aaliyah to come over." shawn says, standing up. i nod, sniffling. "okay, i'll call her, pick her up, bring her here and then go to buy food."

"thanks shawn." i smile sadly at him. he leans down, pecking my lips gently.

"i love you anya." he whispers. "stay strong hunny." i nestle my head on his chest again, sighing and shutting my eyes briefly.

"i love you too, shawn." he presses his lips on my head briefly, before slowly pushing me away and walking out of the kitchen-diner.

"i'll see you in literally ten minutes babe!" shawn yells before shutting the front door. i sigh, walking around the kitchen and taking out the ingredients for normal pasta with tomato sauce.

slowly, i take out one of the pans from a cabinet, filling it up with water to boil the pasta up once the sauce is done. i take out another pan and put it on heat immediately, putting some butter followed by onions in it to sweat down. i then add chopped tomatoes, and let them simmer.

"we're back!" shawn yells again, coming into the house. "babe where are you?"

"kitchen!" i shout back at him, putting a lid onto the sauce.

"wow it smells good in here." aaliyah laughs, walking into the kitchen, carrying a rucksack with her.

"hey aaliyah." i say, walking over to hug her. "are you staying over? please say you're staying over."

"she's staying." shawn comes into view, a smirk on his face. "i'll be going to target then."

"shawn, wait." i mumble, walking towards him. "drive safe, please." i peck his lips softly, as he pulls away, looking concerned and confused at the same time.

"hunny are you okay?" he whispers, twirling a piece of my hair in his fingers. "i can stay and ask geoff to pick something up instead-"

"no, just please be safe." i whisper. "i don't want anything to happen to you."

"anya you're scaring me." he says softly. "do you wanna talk when i get back?" i shake my head, as he brings his lips to my forehead. "tell you what, tomorrow night we'll go out for a date, how does that sound gorgeous?"

"that sounds great." i sigh, as shawn pulls away from me, sending me a soft smile. "i'll see you in a bit."

"bye love." he waves, before walking out of the house, shutting the front door behind him.

"when you two get married, i'm gonna say the first speech and mention these very weird and random times shawn asks you out on a date." aaliyah tells me, with a soft laugh. i roll my eyes at her, smirking back.

"you do that." i laugh, going back to finishing the cooking. "is pasta okay for lunch?"

"that's fine." she says. "how are you keeping anya?"

"i'm keeping." i whisper, as my eyes well up with tears again, the scenes of horror replaying in my head. "i won't ever wish that upon anyone."

"hey," aaliyah mumbles, before walking towards me and hugging me carefully, wrapping her arms around me. "the good thing is you're safe now, and you're okay."

"i-i know." i stutter, sighing and leaning my head on her shoulder. "your brothers a really good person liyah, you do know that right?"

"i know, and he's been treating you really well recently, but what's happening to you is really breaking his heart." i pull away from our hug, confused, as i furrow my brow at her. "anya, he's worried about you. when he picked me up and we were driving here, he basically said that he hates how you're hurting because it makes him hurt too."

"he's going on tour again literally next week, he can't be this upset and heartbroken about it." i bite my lip, folding my arms. "how do i make him not hurt? i can't give him what he wants more than anything now, and he's basically being my personal butler."

"having kids isn't the solution, he understands that completely, and plus, i think he still thinks he's too young for kids." i breathe a sigh of relief, nodding. "i don't think he understands that it's not going to happen again to you, and you will get better."

"what do you mean?" i ask, sighing.

"i mean, he's confused himself. you need to talk to him about this, and not fight. shawn told me about this morning." i sigh, nodding again.

"okay, i guess i'll have to show him i will get better." i bite my lip again, leaning against the marble kitchen counter.

how do i convince shawn that i will get better when i don't even believe it myself?
-
we are so close to 1 million reads holy shit i love you all so much