chapter eighty-nine
fake
[shawn peter raul mendes]
-
i know there is a large chance she can't give me a baby, i know we're too young for kids, i know i'm moving this too fast once again, but i can't help it. when you're in love with someone as much as i am with anya, love makes you do crazy things. i hold a sense of petrarchan love to her, and i can't help it.

"shawn you can't just say that!" my mum sighs at me, handing me over a mug of tea.

"i know." i mumble. "no wander why she won't talk to me now."

"shawn, she's been through so much via kids. after losing one she didn't even know about, she found out there's a small chance of her having kids in the normal way of fertility. to a woman, that could be demeaning, especially if you want your own child of blood." my mum explains. "i'm not saying you two are too childish to think this through and start with fertility, but it could take years shawn, years."

"how long?" i ask her, my heart almost breaking.

"well you know jack and grace? my friends in england?" i nod. "they've been married 25 years, and have a daughter of 15. it took them 7 years of treatment to have her."

"you're talking about sophie, right?" my mum nods at me. "mum i don't even know what to do, i want to stay with anya, i'm in love with her, but you know how much i want kids."

"you stay with her shawn, you support her." my mum explains. "you don't understand how much she needs you right now."

"i'm too young to experience this." i sigh, putting my head in my hands. "and i'm going back on tour tomorrow, where is anya by the way?"

"i think her and aaliyah are upstairs." my mum tells me. "have you spoke to her at all?"

"since tuesday? no. well yes, but no." i sigh, standing up from the bar stools. "i'm gonna go talk to her, thanks for the tea and the chat mum."

"no problem sweetie, and don't worry, okay?" she rubs my arm, before i walk away, up into my old room, seeing anya sitting on my bed, crying on the phone to someone.

"it's just so hard and i feel so bad for him." she cries. "kelsey i can't even give him the thing he wants more than anything, well there's a little chance i can." she sniffles. "he started crying to me on tuesday about it, kels he's heartbroken." she wipes her eyes, taking a few heavy breaths. "i wanna come home so bad."

this is when i enter the room before she gets more upset, a concerned look on my face. she looks up at me, an expression of shock casting over her face.

"i gotta go kels, i'll see you soon." she sniffles. "i love you too, hope everyone's okay, bye." she removes her phone from her ear, wiping her tears, and looking up at me.

"darling..." i trail off, shutting the door behind me. "come on, love, talk to me." i crouch down next to her, placing my hands on her thighs.

"why is the world so unfair?" she sobs to me, as i sigh, moving my hands to her waist, and crouching in between her legs. "why shawn?"

"hey, shh, it's okay." i whisper. "it's okay." i stand up, picking her up gently, as she hooks her legs around my waist, burying her head into my neck, crying softly. i sit on the bed, lying down on my side, anya still cuddled up to my chest. "when it comes to a point where we're both ready, we'll look at all the ways we can have kids, okay?"

"o-okay." she stutters, crying into my chest. "i'm so sorry shawn."

"my mum was saying she has friends who've been through something like what we're going through, we can talk to them, hunny there are so many things we can do now to have kids when the time comes. i want a baby with you, but not right now, and we have time gorgeous." i tell her gently. "i just want you to focus on getting better, okay?"

"don't let go of me." she murmurs, sniffling. "this is the safest i've felt in the past five weeks."

"hunny, i'm not going anywhere." i press my lips to her forehead, as she snuggles her head further into my chest. "did you know that you are the strongest person i've ever met?"

"i'm not shawn, look at me." she mumbles, sighing softly.

"yes you are, you are one of the most brave, courageous, and outstanding people i know." i look down and see a small smile appear on her lips. "there's that smile i love."

"oh shush." she says with a small chuckle, shutting her eyes.
-
walking through the arrivals in the airport, i immediately spot fans lining up for pictures. anya lets go of my hand, and motions me to walk over and greet them, sending me a small smile.

"i'll be back in a couple minutes." i lean down, kissing her forehead, before walking over to the line of fans. "hey guys, how are you all?" i ask, posing with the first fan.

"thanks hunny." i say, finishing with the last person, before walking back to anya and my team. anya quickly reaches for my hand, as i look at her concerned.

"shawn." she mews, squeezing my hand. "i-it hurts."

"what's happening baby?" i ask, stopping, turning to her, and making my entire team stop in their tracks.

"t-the wound." she stutters. "t-the bruising."

"gorgeous, calm down." i mumble, bring her into my arms. "think about something else, shh i'm here."

"what's happening?" andrew asks, confused.

"her wounds hurting a bit, go to the taxi, we'll meet you there." he nods at me, as i rub anyas back softly, sighing as she cries into my chest.

"baby what's really wrong?" i whisper, as soon as they've left us alone. she sighs, lifting her head from my chest.

"i had a bad dream on the plane." she mumbles, looking down at her feet. "i-it was like it was happening again."

"why didn't you wake me baby?" i whisper back, bringing my hand to her hair and twisting a piece of it around my finger.

"you looked tired and i didn't want to ruin your sleep." she sighs, looking up at me with her saddened eyes. "shawn i don't- i don't know what's even happening to me, but i don't want to bring you into it."

"hunny," i sigh, bringing her into my embrace again. "you are my other half, whatever concerns you concerns me too, i assure you with that." i mumble, pressing my lips against her forehead. "get me involved, i'm always here to help you."

she sighs softly, leaning her head on my chest for a few seconds, before lifting herself up and walking away, into the direction of where the taxis are. i pick up her and my suitcases, before following the direction she was walking in, seeing my team getting into the car.

i pack the suitcases in the back, getting into the taxi, sitting next to anya, who's gazing out of the window. i smile sadly at her, grasping her hand in mine. she looks up at me, smiling slightly. "hey." she whispers.

"hi." i reply. she leans her head on my shoulder, looking out of the window as the car rolls out of the airport, the night life of australia unfolding right in front of us. i remove my arm from my side that anya's leaning on, and i wrap it around her shoulders, pulling her closer to my side.

"is anyone hungry?" geoff asks, turning from the front passenger seat.

"we're gonna get room service, i don't think we're gonna come out today." i say, motioning to anya and i. "sorry guys."

"it's okay, just charge it on the hotel room bill." geoff tells me. i nod, looking back down at anya, who now has her eyes shut, and is sleeping peacefully. i feel my lips curl upwards in a smile, before i lean down, kissing her cheek.

"i think he's found the one." i hear eddy and mike murmur to one another, making me smile.

"i wish my love life was like that. do you know how many lovers i've had?" christina moans, making everyone chuckle lightly.

"i've got andrew to thank for this love." i butt in, looking at andrew with a smile. "thanks man."

"you would say that they were meant for each other." zubin says, as my cheeks heat up.

"all i know is," i pause. "she's the best thing that's happened to me." i gaze down at her sleeping figure. "i'm gonna marry her some day."

"you do that." geoff tells me, just as we pull up at the hotel.

i gently shake anya awake, but she doesn't seem to wake, so i sigh, looking at my team. "hey, can someone take our bags for us? i'm gonna need to carry this one." i point at my lover, who's curled up on the seat, fast asleep.

"i'll grab them, you go." thom tells me, as i nod, quickly thanking him. i slide out of the other side of the car, walking around to anyas side, opening the door, and slowly pulling her out, grasping her legs in one arm, and supporting her back with my other arm.

"come on darling," i whisper, as she nestles her head onto my chest, whilst i walk with her into the hotel, following my team. i hold onto her while andrew gets the hotel room keys for each of us.

"shawn, here, you go up now." andrew hands me two key cards, as i nod, taking them from him. "you're on tenth floor, suite 2164."

"thanks man, can you get room service to send the bags up?" andrew nods at me, as i make my way to the lifts, anya still in my arms.

"shawn?" she mumbles wearily, waking up from her slumber.

"hi gorgeous, go back to sleep, we're just heading to the hotel room." i coo softly, as the elevator doors close.

"but dinner." she groans, linking her arms around my neck tiredly.

"okay well we will order food, then eat, then you can sleep." i chuckle softly, as she smiles, burying her head in my neck. "what do you want to eat, hunny?"

the elevator doors ding open, so i step out, anya still in my arms, before i begin to walk to our hotel suite. "hmm, indian food sounds good."

"indian food it is then." i confirm, getting to the door, and carefully opening it with one of the keys, pushing the door open, revealing a large suite for the two of us. i make my way into the main room, placing anya carefully down onto the bed.

"you didn't have to carry me." she laughs, standing up from the bed and wandering into the kitchenette.

"i wanted to." i say back to her, making a smile appear on her lips. "do you wanna order the food babe?"

"yeah sure, what do you want to drink?" she asks, opening up a room service menu.

"lets have champagne." i smirk, making her roll her eyes. "oh come on, it's not like we have to pay for it, island do."

"i wasn't gonna say no." she glares playfully at me. "alright i'll order a bottle of champagne, chicken curry, rice, naan bread, onion bhajis, anything else?"

"that sounds cool, just get that." i say.

"'that sounds cool' who says that?" she mumbles to herself, dialling up room service. i smile at her, chuckling softly to myself. "don't laugh at me! laugh at yourself!"

"oh god." i laugh again, as anya begins to talk to the room service line. she orders the food, and hangs up after a few seconds.

"where's our luggage?" anya asks, sitting next to me on the couch.

"i told andrew to get someone to send them up, you know, since i was carrying you." i nudge her shoulder softly.

"you know, i was talking to my mom yesterday and she said we could head to the hamptons for new years." anya suggests. "she also told me that," anya sighs. "if we really want to have kids in the next 6 years, we have to start looking at treatment now."

"now?" i ask her, confused.

"not now, but you get what i mean." she shrugs. "i told her that we'd consider it when it comes closer to the time we're ready."

"okay, because i want to marry you before we have kids." her breath hitches in her throat, before a faint blush appears on her cheeks. "am i making you nervous?" i smirk, as she shakes her head rapidly, her cheeks becoming more flushed.

"shut up shawn." she mumbles, her lips turning upwards, embarrassed.

"you didn't give me an answer." i tease, nudging her shoulder.

"well maybe i don't want to give you an answer." she bickers.

"why?" i continue to tease her, a playful smirk on my face.

"because maybe you're moving too fast for my liking." my face immediately falls as anya snaps at me. "oh- shawn i didn't mean it-" she looks up at me, suddenly completely guilty.

"no, i get it, it's fine." i smile sadly, forcing one out of me. "hey, um, i'm gonna head out with the team tonight, save me some curry yeah?" slowly, i stand up, wiping my hands on my jeans.

"yeah." anya sighs, looking at her feet. "i'm so sorry shawn, i really didn't mean it." i sigh, letting a smile out, before standing up and walking to the hotel room door, opening it and revealing our bags with a worker.

"my girlfriends inside, just go in." i smile warmly, walking past and straight down to the lobby, leaning against one of the sofas, waiting for my team. "mike!" i yell, seeing him walking into the lobby on his phone.

"oh hey shawn." he says, putting his phone away into his pocket. "i thought you were staying with anya?"

"oh, she's fast asleep, i don't think she's gonna wake up until morning." i lie, with a chuckle. "where's the rest of the team?"

"we're going to the hotel bar, come on." i follow mike through a set of doors, meeting geoff, andrew, zubin, eddy and thom who are seated around a table in the bar.

"hey, mendes!" geoff yells, sipping his beer. "where's your girlfriend?"

"sleeping, i couldn't wake her up." i lie again, going to the bar to order a drink. "hey, could i have a beer please?"

"that will be 4.57 please." the bar tender tells me, pouring out a glass of tap beer.

"charge it to andrew gertlers bill." he nods and types a few things away, handing me my beer, before i join my team at the table.

"alright, your girlfriend is not asleep, what happened?" geoff asks me as soon as i sit down, the rest of my team chatting amongst themselves.

"i really don't know." i sigh. "you would think she would want to be with me for basically the rest of our lives right?" geoff nods. "so when i was talking about having kids and thinking about kids after we're married, she completely snapped at me. she's not scared about talking about kids, yet she's scared about talking about marrying me, and it's led me to think, is she really the one i want to spend the rest of my life with?"

"you've started fighting again, haven't you?" geoff asks me. i sigh, nodding. "shawn, i'm so sorry."

"no, it's fine, i know she's going through a hard time and that's probably the thing that's making her angry." i answer, trying to convince myself that's why we are fighting.

"i love her, but i'm not so sure that she's the one i want to spend my life with anymore." i sigh deeply. "and i don't know if i'm just saying that because i'm hurt, or if i'm really losing my feelings towards her."

"you're losing your feelings for me?" freeze, not wanting to turn round to face the sound of my girlfriends hurt voice. "shawn?" she croaks.

"anya, its not like that, i promise." i turn around, standing up and immediately regretting leaving her in the hotel room.

"then what is it like shawn?" she asks softly, almost as though she's giving up. "i came down to apologise, shawn i feel so bad, of course i want to marry you." my team go silent, looking at the scene unfolding in front of them. "and now you're saying you're losing feelings for me? why would you even bring up marriage in the first place?"

"because i want to marry you, and i don't know what's wrong with me trying to address my feelings, but i'm so in love with you, and i want to marry you." i try to compromise, trying to sort out this situation before both of us get hurt further.

"stop it." she says.

"stop what?" i ask, walking towards her, as she takes a step back.

"stop trying to lie to get yourself out of a situation." that's one thing i admire about her. she always understands what the other person is trying to do. her eyes slowly fill with tears. "i'm going back to the hotel room."

"anya-" she turns around and walks away, ignoring my calls for her to listen to me. i drop my shoulders, looking down at the carpet, sighing. "i'm gonna go for a walk." i tell my team, leaving the hotel bar and exiting the hotel, revealing the beach a short walk away.

i trail myself along the sandy floor of the beach, the late night heat making the area slightly muggy (mike) and stuffy. why am i so stupid? i always mess things up between anya and i, whether it's something to do with love, or something to fight about.

i love her endlessly, i know i do. i want to be with her, i know i do. she's in such a bad place right now, and i need to be there for her, even if she doesn't want me there.

walking back up to the hotel, i replay in my mind situations where anya and i have fought, and how we've settled through it. i quickly rush up to our hotel suite, unlocking the door, and stepping into the quiet room, hearing little cries coming from the bedroom. my heart breaks, as i walk up to the door, about to open it, but realising she's locked it.

"anya, hunny, can you unlock the door for me?" i ask softly, knocking at the white door. "gorgeous?" i press my ear against the door, and i hear her crying again. "no, anya, please don't cry." i squint my eye through the gap between the two salon doors, seeing a faint outline of her curled up on the floor, next to the mirror, topless and crying.

"hunny, let me in." i look at the door, realising i could probably flick the lock open on the inside, so i quickly slide my fingers through the gap, pulling on the lock. it clicks in place, and the door opens. "darling, hey, shh." i whisper, coming next to her. "what's wrong hun?" she turns to me, removing her arms from her chest, revealing a large scar on her collarbone.

"it's so ugly." she sobs, sniffling after.

"it's beautiful, it shows how strong you are." i trace my fingers over it, pressing a delicate kiss over the bruised skin. i look up at her, and see tears falling down her cheeks. "don't cry." i whisper, wiping her tears away.

"am i really not good enough for you?" she mumbles, more tears tumbling down her cheeks.

"what? you're perfect for me." i reassure her. "i was talking nonsense, don't listen to me."

"i hate it when we fight." she cries, bringing her knees to her chest, sniffling softly.

"i assure you that we won't fight anymore. remember what i said when we got back together? if you feel a fight coming, leave the room, hug me, i'll hug you, kiss me, do anything to stop the fight from happening." i say. "i know i shouldn't have left you, i know i shouldn't have said what i did to geoff. and i'm sorry for that."

"shawn, i can't take it anymore." she murmurs. "one minute we're loving towards each other, the next we're hurting each other."

"so what do we do then?" i ask her, sitting next to her and leaning against the bed.

"i don't wanna be the one to break up, i don't want to break up." she sniffles. "shawn, can you pass me my shirt?"

"of course." i reach for her white t-shirt, putting it over her head, and helping her arms through the arm holes. "come on, hunny, let's get you to sleep."

slowly, she nods at me, pushing herself up from the floor, walking to the bed. i then notice she's already in her pyjamas, whilst she crawls under the white duvet.

"are you coming?" she asks me, as i stand up, wiping my hands on my jeans.

"give me a few minutes to get ready and brush my teeth." she nods, turning onto her side, as i walk into the bathroom, seeing she's taken out my toiletries, as well as hers, and set them up so they are easy to reach for. i clean my teeth, before walking back into the room, taking out a pair of gym shorts, stripping of my current clothes and putting the shorts on only.

i slide under my side of the bed, sitting up against the headboard, gazing down at my sleeping girlfriend. i bring my hand to her forehead, brushing away the stray hairs with my fingertips, before pressing a delicate kiss against her forehead.

"i love you, hunny." i whisper, before turning off the hotel room lights, and getting under the covers properly myself.

for the first time in what seems like years, we fall asleep separately, and i hate it.