chapter eighty-eight
fake
[anya rose steinburg]
-
the quiet hum of shawn and his band practicing in the studio vibrates trough the house, as aaliyah and i sit in shawns room, wandering what to do.

"can we go watch them?" aaliyah suggests, flopping down onto his bed. "i'm so bored."

"lets go, come on." i stand up from his desk chair, following aaliyah out of his room and down to the studio basement, where it is suddenly louder.

"hey girls." shawn says, after finishing don't be a fool. "what brings you here? hungry?"

"just bored." i shrug. "it is getting nearer to dinner, do you want me to put the burgers in?"

"i thought i was gonna do them on the grill?" i raise my eyebrows at him, folding my arms and leaning against the wall.

"shawn it's freezing outside, are you dumb?" i say, making him laugh.

"hunny, i'll be fine doing them on the grill, i'll come up now." he takes his guitar off of him, placing it on the stand directly in front of the rehearsal space.

"do you guys want beers or something?" i ask, standing up straight. "i can make some cocktails or something."

"we'll have beers." zubin says, making me nod.

"shawn? liyah?" i ask, looking at them.

"are you gonna open a bottle of wine darling?" shawn asks, looking at me. i shrug, nodding.

"maybe, i don't know yet." i sigh, walking towards the door. "aaliyah come up with me, you can choose your drink."

"no alcohol." shawn warns. i roll my eyes at him, smiling softly.

"i wasn't gonna have any anyway." aaliyah moans at him, following me back up the stairs.

"-yeah i'm going up, you guys can stay here, we'll bring it down." i hear shawn say, before he runs up to the kitchen, joining aaliyah and i. "i want cava tonight." he tells me, looking at the alcohol cupboard.

"i'll join you with that." i chuckle, opening the cabinet and taking out the bottle of cava, followed by five beers for shawns band and geoff. "are you going outside to make the burgers?"

"yeah, let me grab a coat quickly though." he pecks my cheek gently, before walking out of the kitchen to get himself a coat. after a few moments, he comes back into the kitchen, walking out of the deck doors into the garden.

"i'm gonna go hang out downstairs." aaliyah tells me, grabbing her can of fanta, and sending me a wave. "are you gonna be okay alone?"

"yeah, i'll make the salad or something." i shrug, as aaliyah sends me a soft smile, walking back down into the studio. sighing, i walk into the living room, picking up one of shawns hoodies, draping it over my body, before opening up the garden doors, seeing shawn heating up the grill.

"hey angel." shawn smiles at me, noticing me now outside. "what's up?"

"nothing, i just didn't wanna go back down." i shrug, sitting on one of the deck chairs.

"where's liyah?" he asks, turning towards me. "you didn't leave her alone, did you?"

"course not." i look at him. "she's down in the studio with the guys." i say, as shawn nods, turning back to the grill. "are you okay?" i ask him softly, bringing my knees up to my chest.

"yeah." he nods, placing eight burgers onto the grill. "anya not to be rude or anything but i kinda wanna be alone right now." he drops his shoulders, flipping over the burgers.

"o-okay." i stutter out, feeling years prick my eyes. "i'll see you inside then." i slowly rise up from the chair, walking back inside the house.

not wanting to go downstairs and see more people, i walk up the stairs into shawns room, lying down on the bed, bringing my legs to my chest and lying in a foetal position.

why would shawn need space? is he annoyed at me? what did i do? shawn, right now, is the only person who i can physically feel calm, safe and happy with, and he's basically creating a wall between us? i don't want to fight but i can't help but feel upset at him.

i spend about twenty minutes lying down and thinking about how i could've possibly annoyed shawn, sighing and wiping my eyes every so often just to calm myself down.

"-no mum, i'm okay, promise." i hear outside of the room. "i'll stay for a bit when i drop aaliyah off." he stops again. "she's fine." i scrunch my face up in confusion. "alright, love you too, have a good night." the door opens and i hear shawn let out a large sigh.

"it's okay, i'll leave." i mumble, standing up from the bed and scurrying towards the door.

"don't leave." he mumbles, looking down at the floor. "i'm sorry."

"it's alright." i sigh, rocking on my heels, shutting the door behind me. "has everyone gone?"

"no, they're eating downstairs. i came up to get a couple things." he tells me. "have you been up here?"

"yeah," i pause. "i just needed some time to think." i fold my arms, leaning against the door.

"come here darling." he holds out his arms and i don't hesitate to walk into them, wrapping my arms around his frame as he holds me tightly in his embrace. "i love you, gorgeous."

"i love you too." i mumble against his chest, sighing softly. "don't leave me alone tonight."

"i won't." he says. "i don't know what's up with me, i just keep thinking that you're in the wrong all the time." he sighs deeply, holding me tighter.

"aaliyah told me you think i'm not going to be okay." i mention, making shawn immediately pull his arms away from me. "shawn i want you to know that i will be okay, just give me time."

"why did she tell you that?" he questions.

"because she was concerned about us, and about you." he sighs again, looking at me. "i will be okay, i promise."

"anya, when did you lose the baby?" shawn questions. "you've never told me the date." i feel tears prick my eyes once more, and i let a few fall, looking up at shawn.

"today's date last year." i mumble. "that was the day i found out, they couldn't really say when it happened." the lump in my throat begins to grow and tears fall down my cheeks. "don't fight with me, shawn i need you right now."

"i'm gonna stay at my parents place tonight." shawn mumbles, walking past me and out of the room. i look at him confused, following him downstairs to the studio, where he's speaking to aaliyah, her face growing more angry by the minute, but then softens a few seconds after.

"shawn," i croak out. "don't do this to me. not today."

"i-i can't stay here." he stutters. "you're never going to be okay again, i-i can't do this." tears flutter down my cheeks and i look at shawn confused.

"after all this time, everything we've been through, you want to give up just because of me getting hurt?" i question, speechless at his decisions. he looks at me again, his mouth slightly ajar.

"o-our baby-" his eyes tear up and he chokes out a sob, before i rush up to him, holding him in my arms as he cries softly into my shoulder. "o-our baby, i-i can't believe-" he lets out sons of anger, holding onto my back tightly. geoff makes eye contact with me and motions for him and the team to walk out, aaliyah guiding them away from the scene.

"shawn, shh." i whisper, moving my hands to his hair, rubbing in soothingly. "our baby is still with us, he or she will always be here with us, watching us in a different place."

"m-my blood- and flesh- i-" he sobs, collapsing onto the floor, bringing me with him. "a-and we c-ca-can't even bring one back."

i then realise he's completely heartbroken over the fact we can't have kids to fill that empty void of losing our first. he hasn't had the time to mourn that i had this time last year, he's been busy, he hasn't had a time to let everything sink in.

"the baby." he whispers. "i-its gone." i press my lips to the side of his face, letting them linger for a few seconds, before pulling away and pulling his head away from my neck.

"we will get through this." i confirm to him. "see, i'm fine." i tell him, taking his hoodie and my shirt to show the stitched up bullet hole. "it's healing."

he gazes at my collar bone, moving his hands to my stomach, feeling away at my abdomen, his eyes fixated on his hands over my womb. slowly, his teary orbs trail their way up my body, connecting with my gaze.

"i want a baby." he whispers.

i can't give him one.
-
last october, i started writing this book during the time shawn was in london, and a time where i managed to connect myself with fans who i now call my closest friends. my mum had come home from work, eager to tell me she had run into shawn during her working day. she came up to my room while i was working, and told me she spoke to him briefly, and he said hi to me. this was the moment that sparked my creativity in wanting to express myself within writing about one person who i hold dearly in my life as one who inspires me to be who i am. i picked up my laptop and began to brainstorm ideas. it took me hours to come up with this idea, and when i did, wow i can tell you i was happy for sure. i began writing and i slowly fell in love for how easy it was for me to cast words into the formation of a story, which reflected the emotions of personal experiences and feelings i imagine relationships in this particular circumstance to be like. never in a million years did i think this book would hit 10 thousand reads, let alone a million in only 10 months. over these past 10 months, not only have i learnt how i could possibly deal with situations through the expression of writing, but i've learnt that i've actually made an impact in the world, and i've made people feel things which i didn't even imagine i could make them feel.

a poet, named william blake, wrote two specific collections of poetry. one named songs of innocence, and the other songs of experience. songs of innocence describes his opinions of the happiness of nature, and how the world is perfect, almost in a childish perspective. songs of experience derives a completely different spectre, reflecting over the harm humans can have over the natural beauty of the world, industrialisation taking over the pristine and divine creations of nature. to me, this reflects a point in my life which this entire book helped me come out of, or rather develop into something i could understand. this boy, or rather man i should say, opened up a part of me i didn't even know was real. when i met him, i thought that all was well, and that nothing would go wrong, everything would work out perfectly. little did i know, spending time getting to know that person and working out our flaws created something that changed my opinion of love completely. love is an emotion so pure and so incredible that it tears apart an individual to the point they are a completely different person, and i can vouch for that. i did love this guy at one point. i probably still do, but the experiences i took part in by getting involved with him romantically made up something so indescribably real, that i can't seem to let go of, but love itself ruined the natural beauty of love.

i'd like to thank shawn personally for being the second most inspiration behind this book. honestly, i wrote this book because my experience with love reflected a lot of shawns songs, and a lot of his songs really mean something to me because i can relate to them on a personal level. without him, i wouldn't have the confidence or the actual sense to publish this book.

thank YOU so much for every single word of encouragement you've given me to continue. there have been points in this journey where i have wanted to break down in, simply because the situation i was describing is something that hurt me personally. take for example shawn and amber in la, and anya walking in on them. that happened to me. shawn and anyas consistent love-anger relationship; anger fuelled my relationship with this boy. you had made all of this possible, and without you, i wouldn't be anywhere.

i am so thankful to have so many friends (you guys) who actually respect my writing and show me that i'm actually doing a good job. i love you all, and without you guys i wouldn't be able to express myself literally, thank you for 1 million.