"You know as much as I do, Pine is better than Pratt!"

"But neither beat Hemsworth!"

"What started this conversation again?" Marinette looked quizzically between Alya and Anthony, before grabbing a hand of popcorn and shoving it into her mouth.

After the date - which wouldn't be out of place on an episode of Punk'd - Marinette had called in her besties (well, two out of the three) to come and help her forget her mortification. Would it be unethical to give up the Miracle Box just to gain amnesia and forget about tonight?

"Just look at his butt, Marinette! No one can come close to that," Anthony said, dramatically pointing at the screen. Oh yes! When you've had a bad date, nothing beats the scene in Thor: Love and Thunder when Thor's clothes get ripped off – and reveal something that isn't exactly Chris Hemsworth. Cue the drool!

"If that actually is his butt!" Her hands shot up to cover her mouth, Alya not missing a beat to jump on what she'd just said.

"Hold up!" She snorted. "Are you telling me that butt is our very own Buttercup?"

With her hands remaining over her mouth, Marinette shook her head aggressively side to side. She watched Anthony pause the screen and then stand up, walking towards it and tilting his head to the side. "That's Adrien's butt? How did I not know! I look at it enough."

Yep, she was going to relinquish the box and forget about this day. Could it actually get any worse?

When Adrien had started venturing into movies, he'd won himself a lot of roles thanks to certain parts of his body. Yes, Adrien Agreste had become a body double — a butt double, to be more exact. He'd only ever told her, although with the rather ironclad NDAs he probably shouldn't have done that. Butt it was too late now. She'd opened the can of worms and flung them around the room, and right into Anthony's lap.

"I can totally see why you wanna tap that!" Anthony said, high-fiving Alya and both bursting into wild obnoxious laughter.

Marinette felt the telltale sign of prickling in her cheeks. Adrien's butt was a rather peppery one (not a peach) and it was perfect. Not that many people knew, but when he was in his suit her eyes struggled to look elsewhere — a problem which seemed to come with her late teens. Thank goodness there were no akumas still around. She was quite sure she'd spend more time falling off rooftops than anything else. If he tensed hard enough, she was certain he could crack a nut.

"You both need to stop objectifying men. Ant. It's wrong!" Marinette said with zero authority in her voice.

This only seemed to add to the night's humour, both Alya and Anthony bursting out laughing again.

Anthony collapsed back down in his seat. "If you're going to be a butt in a movie then you know you're going to be objectified. It's like Ladybug and Chat Noir with their hero suits. I'm quite certain they know how tight-fitting those costumes are, and they both wear them to their advantage."

Alya was now crying with laughter and Anthony, though laughing with her, looked rather confused and she couldn't blame him. Alya, obviously, was very privy to who was inside of the hero suits.
"Which hero's butt is your favourite?" Anthony suddenly asked, this whole conversation now going a step too far.

Alya was straight in with her answer. "Oh, Carapace, without a doubt! There's a nice amount to grab there." As though needed to show exactly what she meant, Alya stretched out and did a rather aggressive squeezing action with her hands, lips pouting, and Marinette starting to wonder what kind of role play went on in their bedrooms.

"I'm telling Nino." Anthony giggled, Marinette screwing her lips together to stop saying anything, yet Alya did the job for her.

"Please do!" Alya winked, cackling like crazy as Anthony grabbed his phone.

Considering how tightly knit her friendship group was, Anthony had managed to come along and settle in, with a handful of others. And although he wasn't in the 'Miraculous Crew', if she had any more spare she would most certainly give him one. He was trustworthy, with a heart of gold, and Marinette was almost certain he would wear the most exquisite super suit.

The sound of chimes on her SSSHH WhatsApp group meant the message had been delivered to Nino and now he was most likely gloating.
Alya pulled her phone from her pocket and turned to Anthony. "How about you?"

Marinette knew full well that however this conversation went now, she was going to be screwed. Alya was obviously going to be filling their friends in on the chosen butts, and it would be no surprise to anyone that Chat Noir's was her favourite.

"Well, Pegasus just has it all!" Anthony said. "Nobody can tell me any different — however, if I was a straight guy, I'd be all over Rena Rouge."

Marinette snorted and wiggled her eyebrows at Alya. "Everyone wants to tap that butt!"

With a hint of pink in her cheeks, Alya turned to Anthony with a sly grin on her face. "Do you know who Marinette's first make-out sesh was with?"

"Don't!" she announced, her eyes trying to seal Alya's mouth shut.

"Was it a hero?" Anthony said, bouncing on the sofa a little too excitedly for Marinette's liking.

"Alya!" Marinette warned, only for her friend to blow her a kiss.

"Oh yes! There was a hero who was obsessed with her — probably still is."

Anthony wiggled more and his eyebrows almost shot off his forehead in interest. "Who? Not — it wasn't — was it?"

Even though he never completed his sentences, Marinette was quite sure he'd figured it out. The evidence of excitement was written all over his face.

"I was only 14," she said. "I doubt it could be classed as a make-out session."

"How long was the kiss?" Anthony asked without hesitation.

Marinette groaned, rubbing her eyes hard enough to see into another dimension.

"See, that reaction proves it was 'make-out' long!" Alya howled, turning to Anthony and giving him a thumbs up.

Anthony slipped off the chair and came to sit on the arm of the chair beside her. "I must say, Mari, the lack of response is not doing a lot to plead your innocence here!"

She had no choice but to respond and she knew full well what her BFF was doing at the moment. Alya's thumbs were smoking from the intense speed of the typing. She'd better not be messaging Adrien! She'd be disowned if she was.

"Fine! I made out with Chat Noir! Happy now?"

Anthony squealed. "No wonder you have merchandise of him everywhere!"

"I don't have it everywhere!"

Alya snorted as she continued typing. "Yeah! There's a corner over there with nothing Chat Noir in it!"

Rolling her eyes, Marinette stood and grabbed their empty cups and headed to the small kitchen in the open plan room. She still lived with her parents, something she was disappointed with herself about. But she was only 22 and living in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Just because everyone else had managed to find somewhere didn't mean she had to, too.

Her parents were amazing though, giving her her own space and allowing her to have friends over whenever — within reason. Plus, it wasn't like she brought men home with her regularly. There was only really Adrien who stayed over — and that was only because they'd fall asleep together on the sofa. Marinette was almost certain that her parents would gladly keep him and send her away instead.

"So, M, if you had to choose? Adrien, or Chat Noir?" Anthony walked over to her and placed his hands on the counter, cupping under his chin as he fluttered his eyelashes at her.

"Adrien's my best friend. That would be weird!" She shrugged, knowing it was as believable as Lila Rossi's trip to Brazil to save the roaming alpacas.

"Come on, M! You can't fool us, can she, Alya? Back me up on this!"

"I've been on this ship for almost a decade, Ant. Believe me when I say both are too stupid to let it set sail!"

Marinette huffed. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means until one of you grows a brain, we're stuck in this endless loop." Alya stretched over and grabbed the popcorn, tipping the bowl straight into her mouth in the most disgusting of ways. She'd better pick up the popcorn she spilled on the sofa.

"Adrien doesn't even like me that way. He's never made a move."

The sound of Alya's snort was swiftly followed by choking. Marinette filled a glass with cold water and walked over to Alya, smacking her on the back for good measure before handing her the drink.

"He dates all these international beauties. He's not interested in a fashion student who's in the one area of expertise that he absolutely despises." Marinette moved back to the kitchen and grabbed herself a drink, sniffing her hair on the way. It still smelt like a campfire.

Anthony cringed as he watched her. "He'd soon get his pants off for you! I've seen the way he looks at you. If someone looked at me like that, I'd be straight on them. You can't tell me he's just a friend."

Alya groaned, grabbing hold of her head. "Oh god! Please don't say those words! They cause me trauma!"

"Seriously, though, the only couple who are more made for each other than you two are Ladybug and Chat Noir!"

"And they're not dating either," Marinette said exasperatedly. God, they just needed to stop!

As though feeling her pain telepathically, her phone began to buzz on the side table, Adrien's face flashing at her with his picture perfect smile, on his finely chiselled face. No Chris had anything on him.

She picked up the phone before heading around the corner and out of sight of the others. The last thing she needed was more teasing.

"Hey, how are you?"

'Great, now that I'm talking to you. How's your hair?'

"Sautéed to perfection." Adrien's laugh on the other side of the phone made her smile. "I'm thinking about adding some peppercorn sauce to my hair treatment tonight."

Adrien laughed again and she swore she felt every delightful sound caress down her spine. 'Of course you would, you adorable little weirdo.'

She couldn't help the small giggle escaping her lips from his term of endearment for her. "How was your evening with the world's most beautiful woman?"

'Good for publicity, I believe. You know what it's like. Lana thinks it'll be the best way to improve my image.'

"Sure. Well, from what I've seen, you look really great together."

There was silence on the other side of the phone. She'd only seen a couple of the images, but it was enough to send her stomach into a spiral. They looked like they were having a lot of fun, Adrien genuinely smiling as he looked at his phone and while talking to Elise.

'Nettie.' Her name came out like a breath, a shiver progressing to take away the effects of the caresses from his laugh. She felt cold inside. Her teeth were desperate to chatter and she rubbed an arm over herself in a need to warm up.

"So, when are you seeing her again?"

'The weekend.'

"Oh, well, I'm sure you'll have a great time. Take her to that place you really like with the clown."
A beat of silence.

'McDonald's?'

"Yes, McDonalds! Mickey D's! Anyway, I better go, I — um — I've left my toast in the dishwasher and it'll be burnt if I don't get it out. So, yeah, talk to you later."

'O...kay, sure. Speak to you tomorrow?'

"Yeah, tomorrow, or the day after, whatever's easiest for you really, I'm free all the time. Well, not all the time but a lot of the time, but not tomorrow because I have another date. Yep, a date with one of Anthony's friends."

A scream of 'what' rounded the corner and Marinette winced. Of course they had been listening in. She turned to look at them, her eyes popping out of her head, telling them to go along with it — not that Adrien could see or hear them.

'Well, in that case, I'll leave you to it. I – um – I hope you have a good time tomorrow.'

"Yup, yup! Me too! You know what they say – save the best for last. I'm sure you'll have fun with Elise too. I mean, who wouldn't? She's gorgeous."

Okay, that just sounded wrong in so many ways. She was seconds away from transforming and throwing herself from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

'Well, goodnight then, Nettie.'

"Night, Kitty."

Ending the call, Marinette almost passed out from the release of air from her lungs as she pushed the exhalation out. What the heck was she doing?

She made her way back to the sofas and collapsed. Nobody spoke. Instead, they just stared at her as she continued to look at her phone in one hand and rub her head roughly with the other. But luckily, Anthony had one last kicker for her.

"Just friends my butt!"
*****
A group chat called:SSSHH with: LB, CN, RR, C...

Received Message from: Alya
Hero with the best butt. GO!

Received Message from: Nino
Rena Rouge!

Received Message from: Adrien
At least think about it, Nino!

Received Message from: Nino
Listen, man, your butt's flat! Nothing to grab onto!

Received Message from: Adrien
I think you'll find there's plenty to grab onto. Just ask @BugBossLady. She's grabbed it enough times!

Received Message from: Luka
As much as I would like to say Ladybug's, I think Vesperia's is quite the sight for sore eyes

Received Message from:Zoé
Awww, Luka, that's so sweet of you!

Received Message from:Luka
You're welcome. Do you do squats? Or running?
Or are you just lucky?

Received Message from:Zoé
Bit of a mix really

Received Message from:Rose
Anyone noticed there's been no reply from Marinette? Obviously, she's now thinking about all the times she's grabbed Chat's ass

Received Message from:Juleka
We all know Pigella has the cutest tush!

Received Message from:Rose
Though not as nice as Purple Tigress

Received Message from:Kim
What about me?

Received Message from:Zoé
I think Viperion

Received Message from:Luka
Thank you, Zoé

Received Message from:Zoé
You're welcome!

Received Message from:Kim
B'lah! Just date already, will you!

Received Message from:Alix
100% best ass goes to Chat Noir!

Received Message from:Marinette[Replying to: Alix]
Agreed!

Received Message from:Rose[Replying to: Marinette]
We all knew you would!

Received Message from:Marinette
What kind of partner would I be if I didn't support my other half?

Received Message from:Alya
A pretty shit one to be fair!
And my choice is Carapace! Proper peachy and squeezable!

Received Message from:Kim
Still, no one is saying mine?

Received Message from:Max
78% of people prefer pepper butts over peachy ones on males, and 81.4% prefer peachy ones on females

Received Message from:Adrien
I'm all about polka dotted peach

Received Message from:Marinette
Peppery leather here!

Received Message from:Luka
Peach!

Received Message from:Zoé
Peach!

Received Message from:Alya
Peach

Received Message from:Nino
Peach

Received Message from:Kim
Mine!

Received Message from:Juleka
🍑🍑🍑

Received Message from:Rose
Peach!

Received Message from:Alix
Pepper! Come on guys! Nothing's sexier than butt dimples!

Received Message from:Kim
Hey, @Meow-ster mind? What's your new girl got?

Received Message from:Alix
Shut up, Kim!

Received Message from:Adrien
Argue all you want! But my pepper has the number one and number two best butt title in Europe mic drop

Received Message from:Kim
It's only because it's so big that you need to have two places!