*Rylyn*

I skip up the steps and do a little happy dance in front of the door.

I got a B in science. I got an eighty-nine percent in science!!! On my test. That's gonna improve my grade so much, I mean, I could maybe get an A. Actually, that's very slim, but you never know. I got a B! I smile insanely until I redirect my mind to unlock the door. I need some sugar.

Once I get inside, I head straight for the kitchen, quickly taking off my coat and backpack. I slide down the hallway in my socks. Then I fall and nearly crack my head open, butttt that's not worth mentioning. 'Cause I honestly thought it was really funny and laughed until my sides hurt. Because I got a B; I feel invincible.

Man, I'm slap happy... But hey! I'm feeling the joy of good grades. I grab some cookies, chocolate milk, and a few donuts that I found in the cabinets yesterday. They don't expire for another week, I'll be fine. (Plus David said I could have them since I found them.)

When I have all the essentials gathered in my hands, I nearly drop them all when I see Mirissa sitting on the couch watching some kind of cake war. I go ahead and sit in the love seat, wearing the most dorky grin that I know makes me look like a nerd. Or makes me feel like one anyway. But I'd rather be that than fail.

"What are you doing home so early?" I ask her, attempting to make casual conversation.

"I got let off early, forever," she answers me with a sigh.

"What? Forever?"

"Yeah...," she says. Then she glances over at me, upset but trying not to seem like it. For some reason it bothers me. "I lost my job today."

"Oh," I say, dumbstruck. Because when someone loses the job that means we go on money saving mode. And when we do that we try to only buy what's necessary. "I-I am so sorry, I didn't know. I would've thought about it before I raided the cabinets and just came in like I didn't care and all this stuff. I didn't mean-"

"Rylyn, it's okay," she says gently. "You didn't know, I didn't stop you. And you're obviously happy, I didn't want to spoil that. I haven't seen you this happy in a while," she says, studying my expression and junk food.

"Yeah...," I say, smiling some more. "Do you want anything?"

"Donuts would help," she jokes as I hand her some.

Over the next few days, we all had to adjust to having only one person working in the house, even though Mirissa was constantly searching for job offers it seemed. I don't understand why she's so determined to get another job right off the bat. I mean, I know we need the money, but wouldn't this be a good time to have a break during her pregnancy? But I try not to worry about it, I'm just a kid. I survived when Dad and I had to do it then and I will now. Just gotta pray about it.

Prayer has become my favorite time of the day. Now, I don't spill my guts to my friends as much because telling the One who can truly change things is enough. The journal has become a part of me that I cherish and keep close to my heart. I hide it under my many pillows and make sure that it's secure under there. It's very private, I've started writing absolutely nearly every thought in that thing. I know my thoughts aren't much, but I hope God will appreciate them anyway. Our relationship really has grown.

"Guess what," I say the night before the retreat at the dinner table.

"What?" David asks.

"I discovered that depending on people is very unstable," I state.

"Really?"

"Uh huh. Because you never know where they'll take it, you know?"

"When did you figure that out?" he asks, clearly interested in the topic.

"Over time I guess," I shrug.

"You've been praying, haven't you?" he asks, pleased.

"Yessir," I answer.

The next day, I survive through school. Band was just-

"Amazing! Wonderful, saxophones. You know what? Do you know what?" Mr. Jive starts pacing the room, full of excitement, practically bursting with joy. All because we played the right notes. "I think I'm gonna give you, Rylyn Delson and Matthew Calamine, a solo in spring concert coming up in like... What class? Two months maybe?"

"Mr. Jive... Do we have to play a solo? I mean, I'm perfectly fine blending in," Matthew says quietly.

"And that's the problem!" Mr. Jive exclaims. "You were meant to stand out but you like blending in! You know what that shows me? That you do not know who you really are."

"I, uh, I don't exactly-"

"Understand? Why of course not! Tell me, what are your interests besides this?"

"I go to church?"

"Do you? All the more reason to stand out then! Put yourself out there," he replies with a smile and a wink before dismissing the class.

"I am so confused," Matthew says to me as we pack up our instruments.

"Why?" I ask.

"'Cause he was right! And I honestly didn't want him to be, because I don't need to bring myself to attention of the radar."

"Now I'm confused," I reply.

"What?"

"Because if you're a Christian, you would be wanting people to know, right? So why are you wanting to fly "under the radar"?" I ask.

"Well, I don't want to call the attention of certain people," he answers.

"But we're suppose to love everyone," I argue.

"How can I love someone who's hurting me?" he protests.

"Exactly how I felt when I read about Stephen being stoned and he asked God to forgive the people who were hurting him as he was dying," I say.

He just looks at me with a weird expression. I can't tell if he's annoyed, confused, or impressed. Maybe all three.

"You're something else," he says, smiling. Then he snaps his case closed and stands up. "And by the way, that's a good thing." He smiles shyly and I stare after him as he walks off.

This is crazy. But that's the way life is, I've figured out. You know what else is crazy and fun at the same time? Sitting in a small church van squished between Lakin and Michael while wondering how much Axe he actually put on this morning. It is fun, I don't say that sarcastically. Being reunited with the group is always... Interesting.

"Let's sing Veggie Tales!" John shouts.

"What?" Colin asks.

"Veggie Tales, man. Don't you have a childhood?" he teases.

"Apparently not..."

"John, we aren't in our childhood anymore," Kayla says. "Why would we-"

"VEGGIE TALES!" he starts singing, "VEGGIE TAAALES!" Soon, everyone joins in.

Then we sing it a couple hundred more times until David finally stops the madness. Everyone calms down and just laughs it off. Then, we fall quiet. While there's still some chatter throughout the trip, most shove earbuds in their ears while others share a pair with someone. Me? Well, I pull out my sketch book and listen to some songs with Lakin. Michael decides he'd rather play air guitar in his own little world.

"What cha drawin'?" Lakin asks me.

"Well, I don't really know... People?"

"How about you draw two friends just laughing, hanging out," she suggests.

"Sounds cool," I say, putting my pencil to the paper.

"Really?" she asks.

"Yeah," I say glancing up.

"I didn't think it was that good. I'm not creative!"

"Artists don't only look for creative," I assure her, "we look for real, too."

"Huh," she says, watching me.

I used to have a thing about people hovering over me while I work. But I got over that in the past year or so, now I don't mind. I keep looking up, studying the faces of Megan and Lakin herself as I draw the two of them, together, laughing and hanging out as friends. I didn't bring colored pencils with me, there wouldn't be enough room to color anyways, so I just give it to Lakin, fresh off the drawing pad. I honestly thought she was going to cry, she seemed so happy. And that caught my attention.

It felt good, to do a service like that and just give to people. Even though it wasn't too significant, it made me realize that I can have an impact. I can change things.

* * * * *

"David," I say, going up to him after we've stretched our legs from the long drive. I thought a lot on that trip. About life and how I respond to it. I came to the conclusion I need a professionals help. Actually, four pros: God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and David (David Ark, not the one that lived some five thousand years ago).

"What's up kiddo?" he asks, starting to walk wrong to the trailer connected to the back where we threw in all our stuff.

"Will you help me?"

"Of course, what do you need?"

"I need some guidance," I say a little under the normal speaking volume I use. I don't want everyone to know, it's a little personal. "With some spiritual stuff."

"Okay," he says, pushing open the doors and grinning. "What kind of stuff?"

"Sorting out some if my values and...things," I conclude.

"Alright," he exclaims happily, "we can do that!" He give me a side hug.

"Need some help?" I ask as he climbs into the back. Everyone starts to gather around and we toss things out to them, trying not to get anything wet in the two inches of snow on the ground. Mirissa came along with us, and I'm glad she did. Girls need a chaperone. She unlocks the door and shows them the way inside, up a stone path to the few steps leading up to the tall, wooden house. David and I hurry to get everything out so we don't have to stand outside for long.

The house inside was absolutely astonishing. How the church managed to pay for this or even get a reservation, I don't know and won't ask. Inside, there is a fireplace unlit, couches and chairs surrounding it. If you go around the fire place, there's a huge kitchen area with large table and tons of chairs. Lining the sides of the living room, there are two stair cases. The one on the right leads to the boys bedrooms and the left is the girls. I follow up after Megan and gaze around. This place was just... Amazing. It's perfect for something like this!

I peer over the railing down to the floor. Long drop. Like the one I experienced a few months ago. I hug my formally wounded arm close to my chest and feel myself go into a daze. He yelled for me to leave. I just want to say I love him one last time for doing so. Someone grips my shoulder tightly.

"Don't fall over the rail," Lakin says. "You okay?"

"I think I was hoping that I was," I tell her sadly. I look into her eyes. "But I'm not. I'm not invincible."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks softly.

"Yes," I whisper.

I follow her into the spacious room filled with bunk beds. I've always wanted one of those. But who doesn't, ya know? Already, most of them have paired up, even though two of them could have a whole bed to themselves.

"Rylyn, you can have a top bunk beside me," Lakin says encouragingly. We go over and hoist our luggage up. Then we go to the bathroom, make sure the doors are locked, and I spill my guts of everything that's happened since that night, including the peace I felt that is now dissolved into desperateness.

"I want it back," I tell her. "I want the warm comforting feeling back. I'm tired of feeling scared and lying. I need it." She puts an arm around my shoulders.

"I know how it feels. I love you Rylyn, you're my sister. And I will help you get through this, we all will. Can I pray for you?" I nod and we pray together. I'm thankful I didn't cry.

The next half hour is spent pulling sheets over mattresses, checking out the bathroom conditions again (three stalls, two showers, three sinks), and lying down and chatting, relieved to be free from the cramped ride here.

"I just want someone who knows God and loves Him more than me," Lakin throws out there, gazing at the ceiling. Of course, the group discussion has turned into shutting the door and giving each other our opinions on guys. Mirissa was in on this too. I'm glad she isn't as stressed as she has been about losing her job.

"You'll want someone who's fun, too," she adds. "But try not to get a rebel, he might get you kicked out of the country."

"Yeah, really!" Kelsey says. "That's why I broke up with Bryce, I got too caught up in others people's business. He was a little insensitive and wouldn't consider my feelings on life."

"You don't need a boyfriend anyway," Megan says. "Life is gonna go on, whether you're single or not!"

"Ain't that the truth," Kayla states. A moment of silence passes between the six of us.

"Guess what!!" Tyler bursts through the door.

"A dude's in our rooommm!!" Kelsey complains loudly, shooting up into a sitting position and hitting her head off the ceiling. We all laugh at her as she groans and lays back down. "David says that's not right!"

"Oh what are ya gonna do? Call the cops while nearly unconscious?" he says sarcastically.

"Hey. There is no sass," Megan says.

"Yeah man," Kayla playfully throws her pillow at him, which he catches and throws over the railing. "What was that for?" she demands.

"Tyler!! You just broke a clock!!!" Michael calls.

"Aw man, again!" Tyler says. Then to us, "Time to eat, by the way."-before leaving the premises.

"Again?" I ask Megan.

"Yes. Again. Don't ask, it's a majorly long story."

"Alrighty."

All of us thunder down the stairs to go retrieve the food put out for us. Pizza, chicken wings, salad, and Doritos.

"Did they deliver this?" Michael asks.

"They did actually," David answers from across the table.

"Hey guys," John says, walking in. "There's someone at the door."

"I'll get it," David volunteers, wiping his greasy fingers on a napkin before getting up.

"Who is it?" Kayla asks.

"I dunno, I'm not the one who answered it," John shrugs, grabbing his third and fourth piece of pepperoni pizza.

"How many slices is that?" Landon asks to my left.

"Only four, my record is a whole pizza," he says, shoving a bite in his mouth.

"Only four," Kayla repeats to my left. I laugh.

Soon, the whole group is gathered around the table, laughing and joking with one another. Tyler grabs everyone's attention by turning off the lights and telling us about his best prank ever by flashlight.

"Guys... This chip is wet," John groans, interrupting the story.

"John! Just eat the dumb chip, it isn't gonna kill you," Kelsey says.

"Well, it could," Michael says reasonably.

"Here we go..," I mutter to Kayla. I've been tutoring with him long enough to know that once he gets the ball rolling, it won't stop.

"It depends on what it's covered in. Like if it's water it'd be fine but if it's gasoline-"

"Anyway!" Tyler says loudly. "So, my foot was through the ceiling, okay? And when my aunt and uncle came home, he legit wet his pants."

We all laughed and John nearly choked on his chip.

"Everyone!" David come in, switching in the lights. All of us groan as the flash momentarily blinds us. "Oh sorry... Don't you just hate it when that happens, when your eyes burn and everything just all of a sudden comes into perspective?" All of us just look at him, confused. "Anyway," he continues, "there's someone I'd like you to meet. He and his family are friends of mine and they'll be moving in our area here in a few days. This is actually his dad's cabin that he let us borrow. So could you make him feel welcome, please?"

We all reply with very excited yeses. We don't get new people very often, which is kinda sad because we don't seem to be doing our job when you put it like that. Hopefully, I can change someone's life.

The new kid walks in, freckles dotting his face along with a nervous kind of smile. Green eyes under dark hair skim around quickly at the unfamiliar faces.

"Hey!" Landon says, standing up and stretching out his hand. "It's nice to have you here bro! I'm Landon. What's your name?"

"Uh, well, um... Asher," he says anxiously.

It feels like something's nagging at me to talk to this stranger. Some sort of compelling feeling that I can't seem to set aside. It rises in my throat and forms a bubble in my chest.

"I'm Rylyn," I say, not thinking just going with this blessing of guidance.

"Hi," he says, smiling.

"Pull up a chair, we'll make room," Michael invites him over to his side of the table.

"Do you want some pizza?" I ask. "Or at least what's left of it..." I shoot a playful glance at John.

"What? I've only had five."

"Okay, new rule. You can't have more than five pieces of pizza on the retreat," David declares.

"But it's my lifestyle," John says and we laugh.

"Na, Jesus should be your lifestyle," Megan corrects him.

"Cheese Megan, little Johnny can have more than one lifestyle," Tyler complains with a roll of his eyes.

"Did you just call me little Johnny?" John asks.

"Alright!" David interrupts before an argument breaks out. "Let's head on to the living room."

We all progress there, grabbing some more chips or cookies (for John sneaking another piece of pizza in his mouth), and the getting around to following Mirissa and David's lead into the large open area. I end up beside Asher and Megan on the couch.

This is my first real event with just the group. We had the youth rally, but that was with everyone across the state really, so we didn't group together as much. But now all of us are tucked away in the hills without cell phone service. There is wi-fi, however. Anyways, I hope that this experience helps me. Even though I've gotten to the decision that I want to advance spiritually, I still have this unsettling feeling. Why? Well, because I don't have the guts to tell David or Mirissa that I've been getting called: loser, failure, stupid, idiot, loner, etc. for the past three months. Bad decision, I know.

"Everyone turn in your Bibles to John chapter eight," he starts. Everyone scrambles for the page and repeats it to the person beside them, since a few don't have long attention spans. "Verse thirty-one through thirty-eight," he adds. A page turns.

I scan the text we're reading and suck in a breath.

"So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." They answered him, "We are offspring of Abraham and have never been enslaved to anyone. How is it that you say, 'You will become free'?" Jesus answered them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who practices sin is a slave to sin. The slave does not remain in the house forever; the son remains forever. So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed. I know that you are the offspring of Abraham; yet you seek to kill me because my word finds no place in you. I speak of what I have seen with my Father, and you do what you have heard from your father.""

I sit on the edge of my seat, listening for the devotional to go on. I need this. So bad. Because I haven't fessed up. I haven't let something slip. I have gotten used to it. Like my mind's gone numb and doesn't feel the stabbing words that hurt me beyond what I thought was possible to feel.

"I plan on succeeding in life, I actually have an A in science," May taunted once. A voice says now. No no no no, I'm not doing this today.

"When's a time any of you have ever felt just free?"

There's a moment of silence. My thoughts rush around, as if some terrible error had occurred and I'm trying to fix it. But this isn't a problem necessarily.

Truth be told, I've never felt that way. I've always been limited to what I was allowed to do. When I was set out to the world, I was terrified. Anything but free. In fact, free was the complete opposite. It was grief and fear then that I would never belong anywhere.

"A time I felt free was after I was baptized," Michael speaks up. "It's like a huge weight is being lifted off your shoulders, you know? Feels like you're ready to take on life with your new Companion."

"Alright, baptism. Good," David remarks, looking around. "Anything else?"

"I've never felt it," I want to say. The words fly up into my vocal cords, but I don't use them. Not now.

Asher speaks up and states, "Well, uh, freedom is more than an experience or a feeling for me. It's more of a lifestyle that God has blessed you with just the knowledge of knowing you aren't gonna come back from where you were."

*David*

"That's a very good point, Asher, thank you," I praise him. He bows his head in response, exchanging a look with the teenagers around the room. "Anyone have more to add to that?"

"Freedom to me feels like it comes with safety at the same time, like a packaged deal," Lakin says. "I guess because you just have that relief of knowing that with this freedom God has provided you with through Jesus, you get that now you're a part of His family and there will be people willing to look out for you all the time."

"That's something I actually think about too whenever I read this passage. So, in our family, right here in this room, are we willing to look out for each other constantly? Are we even trying to?" I ask.

"I'd certainly say that yes, we're looking out for each other and are willing to," Rylyn answers automatically. "Just the experiences I've had the past few months with my dad's passing and some of my other struggles, you all have reached out to me. I think we could do more."

Other struggles?

"How so?"

"I think we could go to the people in our schools and reach out to them. I'm not saying we haven't, but it doesn't seem to happen often."

"Huh," I say, leaning forward in my cushioned chair. "What do you guys think about that?"

"I agree," Michael speaks out. "I don't know about you all, but I've been helping her out and a few others. Sometimes I feel like I'm in on this alone. I do agree that we should go outside of the limits of our church."

"May I say that it is hard just to go outside your group of friends to reach out to people. How are we suppose to reach out if we can't do it around close friends?" Colin challenges.

"Well, it isn't meant to be easy. I mean, Jesus does say that we will be persecuted because of him and it happens in Acts. It's kinda an all or nothing deal," Rylyn suggests.

"Alright, let's bring it back in," I say. "So we can defiantly do better. What are some things we could do better within the group itself?"

"If we could be more open with one another instead of in separate cliques, I think that would help a lot," Kayla says, looking around. "That's just something I've noticed, being the youngest."

"I agree," Kelsey says quietly.

"So some of you younger ones feel the need for more acceptance?" I try and clarify.

"Well, we all have our own separate lives and even though I'm apart of some of theirs daily, being an older teen, I defiantly agree. I probably haven't been the most welcoming," Landon says, keeping his eyes on the rug under his feet.

"I think this group could be very close if we just put in some effort. Now I know most of you are siblings," I say, glancing at the Lins. "But that doesn't mean you can't support each other. So let's go off in groups. Just get together with three or four and discuss this question: is it important to be supported in your spiritual life? Go."

The first reaction comes from Asher who takes the first step into invite Rylyn, Lakin, and John into his group, who all accept the invitation.

"You can spread out around the place," I say, "just don't go into any bedrooms."

They nod and all corral themselves into the kitchen. The rest just look at each other, clueless on what to do with four automatically gone. Slowly, they begin to break off too. None are left in the living room by the time it's all said and done.

"Do you wanna be my partner?" I ask Mirissa.

"Well, if I have to..," she teases.

I pause for a second. I hold her hand and she laces her fingers through mine. We speak in low voices about private matters.

"How are you feeling?" I ask.

"Alright, I guess," she says, smiling a little. "Listen, about me losing me job... How do you feel about it?"

After leaving the topic untouched for several days, I still haven't figured out what to do about it. I can't make the decision for her to get a new job and everything, but I don't want to be left out of consultation completely. I take a deep breath.

"Well, are you thinking about getting a new job or just staying home or what?"

"We need the money," she states.

"I agree."

"But when the baby comes... Motherhood would be one of my top priorities."

"So it couldn't be something permanent."

"Right."

"Are you thinking about looking for something part time?"

"Maybe." She looks at me. "A strong maybe."

"Okay," I say, smiling. "We'll do whatever is necessary for the family."

"Of course."

We stare at each other for a long moment, before I get up to check on the progress of the teens. I go to Asher's group first, where they are located around the kitchen table. For a moment I just stand there and watch the conversation.

"It's necessary," Asher was saying, "but your relationship with God has a greater value. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"Yes," Rylyn agrees quietly.

"But wait, so if our relationship with God has a greater value, do the other relationships just not matter?" John asks.

"Well, no. God should be above those though. And everything else."

"If our friends aren't Christian?" he questions.

"You may start to doubt, I guess. People have a greater influence on you than you think. Sometimes it's hard to step back and give God the steering wheel."

"Should I get new friends, then?" John asks. The two boys hold each other's gaze.

"That depends," he answers quietly, "on the circumstance. If you have good relationships here, you may wanna have non-Christian friends outside and I think it's best. Just remember that they've already been influenced a great deal. I would try not to let them get in your head and cause you do go under the influence of disbelief also."

I come in and sit at the head of the table quietly. All of them seem to know I'm here.

"What do you think?" John asks me.

"I think Asher hit the nail on the head," I say, smiling at him.

Seeming surprised, his face turns red in response as he ducks his head humbly. He's only been here an hour and already is impacting lives.

* * * * *

"Let's do this!!" Tyler cheers, geared up in a heavy snow coat, layers of sweat pants, a hat, scarf, and gloves.

"What on earth...?" Michael asks, sitting up cautiously in his top bunk.

"Aren't we going snowboarding? Or sledding?" he asks, spirit dampened.

"Oh yeah... I forgot to tell you all, we're going sledding about..." I check my wrist, even though I don't wear watches. "Now."

"Alright then," Landon says, rolling out of bed.

It had been a good night last night, sleeping in a cabin filled with crazed teens. But what do you expect? We stayed up until two watching Iron Man movies and playing card games. Now, after breakfast, everyone went back to bed or just stayed quiet while others caught up on sleep. I'd promised Tyler that at ten we'd make sure everyone went sledding.

"Can I go wake the girls?"

"No," I tell him. "Last night, you broke a clock because you went to tell them it's time for dinner."

"Okay..," he sighs. Then he adds with a brighter tone, "I'll be outside!"

"Okay...," Landon says, watching him go downstairs. "Quick, everyone jump out the window and sleep in the church van!"

"Hey, where's Asher?" John asks, yawning.

"Downstairs," Michael says, stretching out his arms.

"Look, Colin's still sleeping," Landon says.

"COLIN!" John yells, leaping from the top bunk. He gets really close to his face. "I'm waiting for you... Colin!!"

"What?!" he asks, alarmed.

"Wake up, we're going sledding."

A rush to get everyone informed, striped hat, scarf, millions of other winter gear, and a half hour later, we all join Tyler outside, who is waiting patiently. He runs up and grabs me before taking his first ride.

"God bless you, man," he says. "Let's do this!" Everyone cheers along with him and decide to all take off at the same time.

"C'mon Kayla, let's beat everyone else," I say, motioning her over to join me on my inner tube sled.

"Uh, okay," she says, eyeing the sled. "You sure we won't flip over?"

"Of course! What's the worse that can happen?" She steps into the sled. "Don't answer that," I remark.

"On your mark!" Mirissa shouts. Everyone goes quiet and waits. "Get set... Go!"

I run behind the tube before jumping in. Kayla grips the side of the tube laughing. We spin and slide against the snow, trying not to collide with others in the process.

"Whoa! Hey! Bale out!" I say to her. "Before we hit the trees!"

She glances behind her before taking a leap into the nearest snow pile. I, meanwhile, am not as smart and decide it would be best to flip backwards off the thing and nearly kill myself. But it isn't any worse than staying still under a pew in a game of Sardines forever, right?

Back at the top of the hill, everyone is already sledding down again.

"Who wants me to sing a song?" Tyler declares.

"Oh no," Landon groans.

"I'm gonna pro it, pro it, pro it!" he sings at the top of his lungs strapping himself into the snowboard. "'Cause I know it, know it, know it!"

This is yet another one of those moments when I realized happiness comes from making others happy.

Even if it means getting up after a night that lasted 'til two AM.