Extremely humbled by the response to the previous chapter. It was heartbreaking to its core and for a lot of us the task was hard. 

But I'm glad I was able to get down my pain into the book. 

This was again a much awaited chapter. 

...........................................................

[Ranbir's POV]

Pain

A four letter word that when inflected for real would shake your world. For some its the physical ache. But what lies beneath is the real deal. When every walking moment feels like your dying thousand deaths, that's insurmountable pain. 

Of all the things in the world I was tested with, this is the hardest yet. 

To let go of your father.

The head of your family. The guide of your life. Your protector. 

He wasn't a regular dad. Who would hug their child upon success or feel defeated at their loss. He barely interfered in my life. Be it in school or thereafter. Yes my childhood wasn't exactly a happy one. There was an ugly phase that we as a family went through. I would wake up and go back to sleep listening to my parent's fight. It was unbearable. Some days I'd cry myself to sleep. Other days I wish I could run away. Just to be free from their ordeal. 

It changed as years passed by. But what didn't change was the love they both had for each other. 

Theirs was a love that had cemented itself deep within their hearts that not even their silly lame outbursts once in a while could break apart. They were my ideal. No matter how hard they played to show they were past the romance stage. Every time my mum prepared dad's favourite dish, I'd see a wide grin on his face that he'd reserve only for her. Whenever dad praised mom in his own funny way amidst a random conversation, she would light up. 

Theirs was a love that sailed through storms around forty years! 

When I first became an actor I was apprehensive of showing him my work. Because he was my idol. I loved what he did on the screen. His charisma, those expressions, his old romantic movies that made you feel so good and especially him and my mom together being everything they would never around us. It was fun treat to watch him come alive. Other than being my supporter, he was my biggest critic. 

When mom loves just everything I put my feet on, dad made sure to keep me humbled by his words. He disliked me in Barfi but when we swept the awards I saw his moist eyes, only I did. When I grilled the stage in Rockstar, he had a proud smile adorning him in the dark theatre. He was emotional like never, watching an exclusive clip from Sanju, shown by my director. 

In his own weird sweet ways he showed his love for me. 

When the world pounced on me for my mistake and even sometimes for no mistake, he stood before me like a shield. He became a father I always craved him to be. My protector, my hero. Yes he went too far sometimes with his words but that was because he cared for us. Was protective about his family. And couldn't stand anyone pointing fingers at us. That was Rishi Kapoor. 

His tweets were feisty and straight forward. Too ballsy might I add. It would bring a hearty laugh to me always. Every time my father indulged in a twitter war, my friends would sent me screenshots and we would laugh and cheer. He was our entertainer. Both on and off screen. 

We had our restrictions as father and son. I respected and loved him tremendously and so did he. But we never had a close relationship like what I had with maa. His father had a far of bond with him so he kept up with the legacy. It hurt me back in those days when Varun, Rohit and my other friends used to brag about being friends with their dads. I always had my eyes downcast. 

But it did happen. Somehow magically. When he was in New York for his cancer treatment. But that wasn't how we wanted us to open up. I still remember the day my mum called me up in their Bandra apartment to discuss something important. I thought they want to discuss my marriage, again! Little did I knew what she had to say would snatch the ground beneath me. 

He had leukemia ! One of the most painful forms of the deadly monster called cancer. 

I broke down there and then. She got scared at my reaction. I was the last person in a room to expose my emotion but here I was, bawling like a baby. That night I have no clue how I managed to sleep. That and the nights thereafter ... it was like God threw every single test on our way for the past two years! To see if he could break our spirit. To see if he could bring tears to my always cheerful father. To test the strength within my mother. To check my vulnerability. 

We did. Silently in our rooms when no one's was watching. Wetting our pillows, compressing our sobs. We did everything to look normal and happy in front of each other. But who were we fooling ? My parents entertained guests every day in NY. Friends, family and admirers would come up with flowers, chocolates and kind hugs. It surely did its magic on us for a while but then again at night , we were alone. Fighting with our inner monsters. 

After all we did to save him, he was gone ! 

Gone like a wind. Just like that he flew. It didn't occurred to him on what would become of my mother, my sister and myself when he leaves. We would be shattered. Our house would break. He left .... ! Just a week back he sent me these morning exercise videos from home. Video called me and Alia and made us laugh for long hours. 

And now he won't! 

How could he do this to us ? 

When things were finally settling in. My career, my life, happiness, love .... tab kyun ? 

Wasn't he the one who used to remind me every thirty second on how big of a wedding he wanted mine to be and then one fine day few months back he announced he'd rather go with my plan. An intimate wedding with people we truly loved. I looked at him as if he had lost his head but he smiled. That smile would haunt me forever now. It was a smile different from the one's he wore. 

The smile that said he understood me now. More than ever. That he read my soul maybe more than my mother. That he respected my decisions. That he loved me more than he ever showed. That he was proud of me. 

I can never forget that dreadful dawn ! 

The day our hopes crashed like the waves to the shore. With a deafening sound. 

I screamed and shouted. To revive him back. They got to be kidding me. They don't know my dad. He is a fighter. He was yet to see more of my films, my wedding, my kids, our home. He wasn't leaving us midway. No he can't ! 

We tried and tried. And tried. 

We did it for two and a half years. 

To fail and fall with a thud. 

Birds flied in groups towards their home. Their faint chirping melodious to ears. The sky broke into a pastel shade of orange and red. Subtle blue melted across a large canvas. The sun was about to set. But it had already, in ours. 

As I stared ahead from my apartment balcony, I tried to forget everything that happened for just a minute maybe.  A second of calm. A break from the gut wrenching pain boiling inside me. To just feel nothing. To freeze time. To perhaps have a look at my father somewhere there. Trying to peak in and tell me he's right there. Watching over me. Protecting us from negativity. 

I wanted to erase today's dark memory. I don't want to remember how we dressed him in white. How he laid on the floor of the cremation room, silent and lifeless. How everyone around me sobbed aloud while I held on to every ounce of strength I could to not give away my ache.

How it all felt wrong! To leave him there all alone! To put garlands on him! To offer him to the fire gods. And are we done ? Is that the end ? 

The reality of death will always be unnerving. Because in a matter of seconds, you are buried or cremated into nothing. A life that once held so much value became absolute nothing ! A thing of past! 

"Ranbir"

A whisper knocked me out of my stateless dream. 

I looked up to see an intently gazing Alia. Searching my face for any hurt. I cloaked my anguish. Sending her a gentle smile softening her features. She shook her head lightly. Knowing me too well. More than I appreciate. This woman had gotten under my skin and could read me like the palm of her hands. That was my downfall. 

" Woh ... time bohot ho gaya and I think its getting late. Shaheen had called me like hundred times. You know- the rules these days" she said each word as if she hated herself. Like she didn't want to say them loud. Only when she said I realized how dark my room had got. It was six already and soon the time limit offered for our family and friends would end. They had to go.

I caught her looking everywhere but me, trying to avoid my eyes. I understood where she stood. She had to leave. But my heart wasn't ready to let go of her. Not now ....

"You ate ?" I spoke after a long dead pause. "A little ... just didn't felt like." I understood. 

What she did for me and my family today and the last two years, I'll never forget. To stand and still be in a relationship where the guy has to take care of his ailing dad and mom in another country every month. It takes a toll on you. Nobody deserved that. Never her. But she stood like a pillar. Knowing my words even before I spell them out. Alia deserved more credit than we ever gave her collectively. 

If there was a slight relief in my heart today, it was just because of the way she took over the reign. Took the role of a daughter and stood in place of Riddhima. Ran around for things, held my mom at her weakest and performed duties she took upon herself perfectly. If dad were here he would have kissed her forehead out of affection. She grew on him a lot in this little time they had together. Always sharing jokes, laughing on their own. Secret smiles and a whole deal of love. 

He would have pampered her insane. 

The last time we talked on phone, dad had warned me to keep her happy. To do things that make her smile, do her proud. Or else he'd hunt me down. Oh, I didn't knew those were his last advice ....

"Rana  ?" another voice flew into the room. My cousin Natasha had come looking for us. She was another angel in disguise. Another kind soul who gave her all to make us feel home. Just like her mother, a woman of purity and grace. "Mami is calling for you. Rohit and Ayan are leaving. So are Bebo and Saif. And I guess even Alia's leaving right ?" she turned towards her. I watched her face go pale and disturbed. As if she didn't want anyone to remind us of the fact that she had to leave. Like everyone else ... they had their lives! 

Abhishek bhai had already left though he longed to stay. We told him it was fine since he had done enough for us, more than we could ever put in words. 

"Chalo" I said quite unsure of my own thick head. She frowned a bit and soon we were out of my room into the living space, filled with people. Only those who were allowed to come for the last rites. Had it been another day our house would be overflowing with a sea of crowd. Mum sat in a chair probably talking with Riddhima on phone. The rest walked around, serving food to those who had to leave soon. 

I missed dad more than ever. He was the life of any gathering. His jokes, life experiences and old stories would brighten up any party. 

Mom's eye fell on me as she put down her phone handing it over to Rima bua. She came towards where we stood. "Rana, dekho she's leaving! Kitna bhaagi aaj pura din, aise kaise jaane dein" said Mom trying to persuade Alia. "And there's no rule to check how many are staying over. So your safe and plus it would be better if you take rest here and then go maybe tomorrow" added Ayan. He had to leave early. Would have stayed had it been not for his parents. 

"I know and I really want to stay here myself. But I don't want to burden you all more than it's already. I know I was just an extra name on the list today and instead there could have been the involvement of a close family. I'm sorry I know that was unfair. Plus Shaheen has been having panic attacks past a week. She needs me." We stared at her in disbelief. 

She was not needed today ?! 

She was an extra and not a part of our family ?

Is that what she thought all this time! 

Dear lord .... 

Mom had her face covered as she groaned. "Alia do you even hear yourself ? Beta your not our family haan ? Maybe that's why you took Riddhima's place today like any stranger on the road would do." She really was upset with how Alia had imagined things to be. Her face shrunk as mom said those words. "No aunty I'm sorry. It's just that all of this has taken a toll on me. I'm sorry if I hurt your sentiments. I'm grateful to be part of you guys. Trust me. I don't wanna be a burden, that's it." 

She really was stupid sometimes. Too innocent for the world. 

"Paagal!" spoke mum gently caressing her cheek. 

"You are a beautiful part of us and never a burden. If you think again like that, I'll slap you" warned Maa as I saw her vision blurring. They hugged each other tightly. My own eyes threatened to spill tears. "Is Shaheen alright ? If she's alone I think she should be with her" Bebo advised making me grunt internally. 

I wouldn't say aloud how much I needed her right now. With me. It wasn't fair to stop her after all that she had done. And I was anxious for Shaheen's well being as well. Her sister needs her. I need to let her go. She has a life of her own. I can't be selfish. 

As my head burned with conflicting ideas, Ayan's phone rang. He picked it up and instantly his face brightened for a minute. Saying goodbye to the caller, he glanced back at us. "It was Tanna. She's fine she said and also told to tell you that if you need to stay here, you can." I saw her eyes widen in shock. My heart surged with an energy that had been dead for a while. 

"Then it's decided your staying with us" smiled mom happy with the news. "But aunty don't you have so many people already here to stay. It'll get crowded" she nervously spoke making lame excuses. Sighing defeated, mom focused her attention on me. I would make the last decision. And she would perhaps listen to me. 

Her eyes inspected me with hope. I wanted her more than ever. To hold my hand, to lend me a shoulder. She wanted to stay for me as well, said her eyes. But now everyone waited for my final decision. 

Taking in a huge breath, I whispered. 

" Stay " 

And she did. 

<.>

NOTE : This was a random quick chapter drafter today itself. It isn't that emotional like the previous one (it's hard to write from his POV especially in sad tone). Anyways I thought I'll let this out as soon as possible. 

Thank you for the constant boost and support. Ily <3 

I had another scene in my head which I forgot. I have this weird habit of creating these scenarios in my head related to my fav ships, Alia and sometimes myself ! Not for any book but for myself. So what you get here is the hazy version of what I had pictured on 30th! Can't believe it's been more than thirteen days past his departure. They held a memorial meeting at his parent's apartment. 

It warmed my heart to see how kind my babies are. Inspite of constant intrusion my the media and audience, trolls and hatred, they had the heart to slow down their car and ask the media persons to wear their masks and stay safe. That's upbringing ! 

Big love to everyone. Thank you for following me back on my Ranlia fanpage. To those who have no clue, follow ranbir_aliafc on Instagram ! Hoping to stay forever <3 

Love,

Jemi :)