Chapter 36: L'amour ne change rien (love changes nothing)

The gif is not mine! Found it on pinterest, credit to whoever did it!!

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Someone dying was a rough thing, 8-year-old Tamaya won't stop crying and complaining about how much she misses her Appa.

would come to her sister's room sobbing, "mama is crying again." ah yes, Stepmother cried every night while hugging the pillow her husband used to sleep on.

Zaria sighed and placed the book away, opening her arms wide so her sister could crawl in her arms, "oh my darling, come here."

Tamaya did as told climbing on her sister's lap wrapping her arms around her neck, and hiding her face in the crook of her neck, "I miss Appa." Zaria tensed at the mention of her father.

Running her hand through Tamaya's hair she picked her up making her way toward the big windows, "I miss him too, my love, very much." she replied, staring at the sky ahead.

"do you never cry?" suddenly asked Tamaya her sister who chuckled at the question, "I do," she replied not daring to meet her sister's eyes.

Tamaya frowned, a pout on her lips as she stared at her sister, all this time since their Appa left Zaria worked, and sold her gold jewelry just so her sister can be happy.

She worked all kinds of jobs, serving men who treated her like shit for a bit of money, for Tamaya to have warm clothes, and a beautiful life.

And Zaria was more than happy when her sister's dream went true instead of hers, she gave up her dream for her family, gave up the thought of becoming a painter, pianist, or poet.

Saints knows, anything is good, as long as she's free, a girl who's creating her future, making her dreams come true, and money everywhere.

and Zaria swore, all the trouble, all the killing, all the mourning, all the sacrifices she did, will never be wasted. 

She trained Tamaya to be a better and stronger person, and the youngest sibling used every skill her sister taught her everywhere and every time, Zaria was half of her and nothing will change that.

Zaria Isla will become rich, and anything that comes in front of her path will be swept like dust, except for love.

Fighting with Kaz Brekker was as painful as the night when her mother sliced her face open, it was very painful, but when Zaria was mad she spoke without once thinking.

she always gets the urge to just wash her mouth out with soap or even acid, because the words slipping were dangerous, lethal even.

Kaz turned away from her after a hot minute of them just wanting to murder one another, "Kill him." her mother's voice suddenly echoed around her head.

and Zaria's face fell, expression turning into a blank one, 'no, I killed her, she can't be still-' she thought to herself taking a step back and making her way away from them.

in the middle of her way, Kaz said, "I went looking for Pekka Rollins." A look passed between Kaz and Inej that Jesper didn’t understand nor did she; there was knowledge in it that they'd been locked out of.

Pekka Rollins? the rich man who once came to see her perform? She heard so much of him, everyone in Ketterdam feared him and Zaria didn't even care about his existence, until now.

Until Kaz Brekker decided to look for him, why? What happened between him and the so-called king of the Barrel?

King of the Barrel, that's very funny, the Barrel belonged to the bastards, not kings, it belonged to her and Dirtyhands, her and the Crows.

"For Saints' sake, why?" asked Nina and the next words were very confusing, "I wanted to know who in the Dregs leaked information to him." 

wait what? Who in the hell would leak information to Pekka Rollins? the supposed to be enemy of half Ketterdam.

Jesper waited. "and?" she looked at Jesper before at Kaz, "I couldn’t find him." oh so it's him, no way in hell is one of the crows doing such a thing, probably Rotty or-

"What about the blood on your shirt?" Matthias asked eyeing demjin, did he kill someone? "Run in with a guard," he replied not even bothered by the Fjerdan's dirty look, Jesper didn’t believe it nor did she.

both the Zemenis looked at each other with knowing looks before eyeing Kaz, he ran a hand over his eyes, "I screwed up. I made a bad call, and I deserve the blame for it. But that doesn’t change our situation."

well, he finally said it, can't he just apologize as any normal person would?

sighing she placed a hand on her forehead shaking her head softly, already done, she will surely visit the church after all this is finished.

Saints give me strength. she thought stretching to get rid of the pain in her body. "What is our situation?" Nina asked Matthias, "What will they do now?"

"The alarm was Yellow Protocol, a sector disturbance." Jesper pushed at his temples nervously, his cheeks rosy from embarrassment, "I don’t remember what that means."

Zaria chuckled and placed a hand on his shoulder, "neither do I." Jesper smiled and placed his on top of her freezing one.

"My guess is that they think someone’s attempting a prison break. That sector is already sealed off from the rest of the Ice Court, so they’ll authorize a search, probably try to figure out who’s missing from the cells."

"They’ll find the people we knocked out in the women’s and men’s holding areas," said Wylan. "We need to get out of here. Forget Bo Yul-Bayur."

so everything happened because of nothing, no, she can't leave without Yul-Bayur, she did not get slashed by her mother to save them so they could travel safely, she killed her mother for this to go as planned.

they can't just give up, she will not give up.

Matthias cut a dismissive hand through the air, "It’s too late. If the guards think there’s a prison break in progress, the checkpoints will be on high alert. They’re not going to let anyone just walk through."

she nodded at Matthias's words, he knew this place better than anyone and he will not betray them, right?

"We could still try," said Jesper still holding his sister's hand, "We get Inej’s feet patched up-" speaking of the wraith she flexed them, then stood, testing her bare soles on the gravel. "They feel all right. My calluses are gone, though." she replied calmly.

"I’ll give you an address where you can mail your complaints," Nina said with the most charming wink that made the Wraith grin.

"Okay, the Wraith is ambulatory," Jesper said, stroking a sleeve over his damp face.

The rain had faded away to a light mist, "We find a cozy room to bash some partygoers on the head and waltz out of this place decked in their finest."

"Past the embassy gate and two checkpoints?" spoke Matthias skeptically with that famous frown of his. A Druskelle frown, if he continues to scowl like that, horns will appear.

and he will be demjin. Well, both.

"They don’t know anyone escaped the prison sector. They saw Nina and Kaz so they know people are out of their cells, but the guards at the checkpoints are going to be looking for hoodlums in prison clothes, not sweet-smelling diplos in fancy dress. We have to do this before they get wise to the fact that six people are on the loose in the outer circle."

It was getting confusing and Zaria finally spoke, her hand sliding away from Jesper's shoulders as she crossed her arms, "forget it, I got into a lot of trouble for this, I came here to find Bo Yul-Bayur, and there is no way in hell I am leaving without him."

Nina nodded and wrapped her arm around the girl's shoulders and Zaria's arm sneaked around her waist as both the girls stood beside one another.

"What’s the point?" spoke Wylan almost in a whine, "Even if you manage to get to the White Island and find Yul-Bayur, we’ll have no way out. Jesper's right: We should go now while we still have a chance."

she never heard Wylan agree with Jesper's words ever and Zaria swore that she could see the sharpshooter's neck turn red as he tried to find a way to tease Wylan.

nothing and Zaria smiled, she will tease them until her last day on earth.

Nina tightened her hold around her girl best friend, "If I have to cross to the White Island alone, I will. With Z by my side. we will do it." she spoke confidently, making Zaria look up with a soft smile.

she will always be grateful to Nina Zenik, the Flirty Heartrender everyone adored.

"That may not be an option," said Matthias, "Look." they did as told and gathered around the base of the glass dome.

The rotunda below was a mass of people, drinking, laughing, greeting each other, a kind of raucous party before the celebrations on the White Island. 

As they watched, a group of new guards pushed into the room, trying to form the crowd into lines.

"They’re adding another checkpoint," Matthias spoke, watching intently, "They’re going to review everyone’s identification again before they allow people access to the glass bridge."

"Because of Yellow Protocol?" she asked, glancing at Matthias who replied with a small nod, "Probably. A precaution." It was like seeing the last bit of their luck drain from a glass. 

"Then that decides it," said Jesper, making her sigh and close her eyes, "We cut our losses and try to get out now." so she's not winning money nor making her dream come true, is she?

"I know a way," Inej said quietly, earning everyone's attention, they all turned to look at her. The yellow light from the dome pooled in her dark eyes.

"We can get through that checkpoint and onto the White Island." She pointed below to where two groups of people had entered the rotunda from the gatehouse courtyard and were shaking the mist from their clothes.

The girls from the House of the Blue Iris were easily identified by the color of their gowns and the flowers displayed in their hair and at their necklines.

"The West Stave delegations have started to arrive. We can get in." Zaria immediately picked up on what Inej was trying to say, she nodded glancing at the Crows.

"Inej-" started Kaz but was cut off by the Wraith resuming her words, "Zaria, Nina, and I can get inside." Her back was straight, her tone steady. She looked like someone facing the firing squad and saying damn the blindfolds.

"We enter with the Menagerie." that made everyone freeze, Zaria turned towards the Suli girl in worry, "the Menagerie?" she asked knowing Inej's hatred towards that place and word, "Inej, darling, are you sure?" 

"I am."

Inej had told her about the Menagerie one night at the Slat and Zaria felt sick and very angry.

"You know those costumes," she said, "Heavy cloaks, hoods. That’s all the Fjerdans will see. A Zemeni fawn. A Kaelish mare." She swallowed and forced the next words past her lips, "A Suli lynx."

Not people, not even really girls, just lovely objects to be collected. I’ve always wanted to tumble a Zemeni girl, a customer would whisper. A Kaelish girl with red hair. A Suli girl with burnt caramel skin and a pretty zemeni that caught anyone's eyes with her pretty champagne eyes, or black inky hair that poured like the ocean.

"Zaria can even dance for them, since she is a performer..."

Zaria pressed her lips into a line, the thought of men staring at her, faking a smile, when all she could feel was rage, made her heart drop.

But she will do anything for Inej, for the Crows, for stupid Kaz she wanted to punch so badly.

Kaz was watching her intently, his bitter coffee eyes glittering in the light from the dome. 

And Zaria's champagne ones met his, they softened immediately, she almkst smiled for saints sake.

No, Zaria, you are doing this and leaving him, going back to Novyi Zem, you can't stay with him...

Because if she does, she will be in terrible pain, for not having him, his fear of touch, their own monsters whispering ruthless words into their ears.

'Oh Kaz, if only you knew...' she thought, praying that the saints will give him the power to read minds out of no where so he could read hers.

Kaz hated the thought of her dancing for men, knowing how uncomfortable she will be and that surely one of those clothes will be incredibly revealing, that she will freeze to death because of such soft fabric that didn't shield much.

All that for money, she can leave them, Kaz would totally understand that, but she didn't, she stayed.

For them, for Jesper—for him.

She understood that he believe such subjects as love and devotion, affection and attachment, he finds it all trite and frivolous.

But oh, Kaz Rietveld, you can't help but think about grabbing her hand, cupping her cheek, stare into her eyes that showed you the entire galaxy, kiss her lips? Can't you?

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Ah yes, Zaria is my wife and deserves the world.
Also I love the way she cares<3
Got into arguments with my mother about report card and couldn't post.
But I'm here now!! Let me know what you think

Enjoy<3