Chapter 45 : Whispers of the Heart.

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Zaria was blushing the entire time.

It’s funny how a small kiss to her temple can make her burn and smile like an idiot, though even if she couldn’t focus on anything except Kaz she noticed the change between the crows.

each of them seemed to be separating. was it even the right word? The wraith wasn't here, Wylan was quieter than he ever was, and Jesper was as well, every time he stood beside Kaz there was tension, anger.

Nina and Matthias stood beside one another, Kuwei never uttered a word or glanced at her, the girl felt alone and very confused, her family wasn't the same as before.

what was happening?

Matthias was the one to ask about the mission, and Zaria watched him and Nina with a soft smile, the Heartrender was leaning on him slightly as they made their way over the uneven terrain.

"It's not a mission; it's a job," Nina corrected, "And it went splendidly." at that she earned a scoff from the zemeni boy.

"yeah," said Jesper almost in a whine, "Splendidly. Except that my revolvers are currently collecting dust in the Club Cumulus safe. Smeet was afraid to walk home with them, the hopeless podge. Just thinking of my babies in his sweaty hands-"

wait, Jesper gave his revolvers to Smeet? impossible.

Zaria's eyes widened, so there was indeed a huge change when she was resting, just as she opened her mouth to say something, Kaz cut her off.

"No one told you to wager them," said Kaz, voice cold, she turned towards the bastard of the barrel with narrowed eyes, why was he speaking to Jesper like that? what was fucking going on?

"You dealt me into a corner. How the hell else was I supposed to get Smeet to stay at the tables?" replied Jesper sharply which made the girl frown even more.

she stared between the two in suspicion before at Nina and Matthias who shrugged, "you gave Smeet your precious revolvers?" she finally spoke turning towards Jesper who nodded.

Jesper needed his guns, the weight of them on his belt and hips bought him comfort, if he was anxious he needed to hold them, she never heard of a sharpshooter without his guns.

Kuwei poked his head out of the huge stone tomb as they approached, "What did I tell you?" Kaz growled, pointing his cane at him, Zaria sighed softly and pushed his cane down, "Kaz." she called shaking her head.

"My Kerch isn't very good," protested Kuwei, "Don't run game on me, kid. It’s good enough. Stay in the tomb." she tried to imagine Kaz with a child.

Kuwei hung his head, "Stay in the tomb," he repeated glumly and Zaria sighed softly, shaking her head, with that she followed the crows who followed the Shu boy inside.

the girl's eyes caught a mirror, she halted, staring at herself with her stomach twisting in disgust.

She hated how she looked, it was the spitting image of her mother, and Zaria despised that.

Even if she already killed the woman she still had nightmares and really didn't believe that she was truly dead.

The angry scar running down her face looked more noticeable, like it wanted the world to see it, so they all stay away from her.

Few bruises and scratched from the Ice Court Heist but nothing too serious, but the girl's body was really confusing, she didn't know what to feel.

Her moods changed in a blink of an eye, minutes ago she was happy but now she felt disgusted and angry at herself.

She thought of everything, from the first day she stepped foot in Ketterdam to now, tears covered her eyes almost immediately as she stared at herself in rage.

She will admit it, the 13 days felt like years, the drug really made her insane.

It was euphoric and traumatizing at the same time, she will never say it out loud though, but it felt like she was officially loosing her mind.

Some days, she had the most amazing dreams.

Her living happily, date night with Kaz Brekker where they just drank coffee or just sat together in silence, sharing kisses and hands intertwining.

Hunting with Matthias.

Gambling with Jesper.

Wylan teaching her how to play the flute.

Traveling with Captain Inej Ghafa.

Girl "waffle" date with Nina.

The other nights, where filled with nothing but nightmares, except in these ones, she couldn't wake up nor move, she let the demons comsume her, every night.

It started slow at first, the third day of coma was like a game, her mind playing games with her, going from dreams to nightmares out of nowhere.

For example; she is walking with Jesper down the streets when suddenly the ground separated and Zqria was teleported to that spot.

Right where her father died.

Except it wasn't only his head, but Jesper's as well, making her scream and yell in anger and horror.

The other nights were just flashbacks of ever traumatic shit her mother did to her, dragging her by the hair around the living room when young Zaria sobbed, blood racing down her back thanks to the open wounds because of a belt, trying to do some experiment on her when she was sleeping for fuck's sake.

If the girl could list every bad thing her mother did to her, then she will talk for years without stopping.

Other nights, was Zaria in a room with her friend's dead bodies surrounding her, the girl chained by the ankles as she crawled towards the door.

Nails digging against the wooden ground leaving marks as she cried, begging for some strength, crying out to the saints, her legs gave out, as if she didn't have ones, they cut them off.

The screaming of the Dregs calling out for help echoing all around her making the girl bang her head against the ground to stop the voices.
Hey, those were only small examples, worse happened.

Zaria felt miserable, she felt empty, the urge to just drown in drugs and let death take her kicking in but the girl had to stay strong for Jesper, for Tamaya, no matter how much she wanted to just end the pain, she had to fight.

When she really thought she really died was day 10, her father greeted with open arms and the black haired girl ran, wrapping her arms around her father as tightly as possible and crying in his arms.

"Two choice, doll. Stay or go back." Zaria blinked, she forgot that her father had passed away long ago, "huh? Come back with me, Appa."

"Oh my love, I am gone, would you like to stay with me or go back to Jesper?" He asked and that made her pull away.

She wanted to stay, but she can't, she promised to stay by Jesper and be with Kaz.

If she stays then she will go to hell, the saints will punish her for killing her mother, for every soul she took as self defense.
She stared at her through tears, lips trembling and clenching his white shirt like she always did when she was young.

"Go back..." she whispered and with that, she was back, her father vanished and she was covered in darkness, Zaria sat hugging herself and looking around.

Zaria traced her finger over the jagged line that ran down the left side of her face.

The scar was a constant reminder of the fight with her mother, of the moment when her mother had sliced her with the knife.

The longer she stared at the tiny mirror, she felt a surge of anger and resentment.

The scar was a mark of her mother's cruelty, a symbol of the pain and trauma that she had endured. She hated the way it looked, the way it marred her once-beautiful face.

She knew that it would never go away, that she would carry it with her for the rest of her life.

And every time she thought about it, she felt a burning rage in her chest, a desire for revenge that she knew she could never fully satisfy.

Zaria's eyes blazed with anger as she thought about her father. He had been her protector, her hero, and her best friend. And now he was gone, thanks to her mother's cruelty. The rage and sorrow she felt were almost too much to bear.

But alongside her anger and grief was a deep-seated fear. She knew that her mother was dead, that she had killed her in self-defense.

But the memory of her mother's violence and cruelty lingered like a shadow, always at the back of her mind.

What if her mother wasn't really dead? What if she came back to finish what she had started, to hurt Zaria's friends or anyone else she cared about? Hurt Kaz, Jesper, Nina, Inej- fuck.

And at that, her mind went back to one day, when the woman was still alive and beating her again for breaking a vase.

Young Zaria flinched as her mother swung the belt at her. She could feel the sting of the leather against her skin and the bruise forming on her arm.

Her mother was yelling at her again, something about how she was a worthless piece of trash who would never amount to anything.

Zaria had heard it all before, but it still hurt. She tried to block out the words and focus on the fact that she had a plan.

She had been collecting sharp objects for weeks secretly, and she knew that she could use them to defend herself if she needed to.

but never did she use the sharp objects until she was 17 years old, months ago, when she got this hideous scar running down her face.

 her heart ached, terribly, crying for help but she brushed it off, it seems like this drug really is bringing every traumatic memory back even the ones that took years to forget.

she was lost, like she was in the middle of the maze, running left and right to find peace and a way out from her suffering.

her mind went back to that night when she stared down at her mother's dull body growing cold with each minute, Zaria felt a sense of satisfaction and relief.

The anger was still there, simmering just beneath the surface, but for a moment, she felt like she had finally taken control of her own life.

As Zaria looked at herself in the mirror, she suddenly caught a glimpse of her mother towering over her, covered in blood and grinning wickedly down at her daughter.

Zaria took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. She cocked her head to the side and licked her lips before grabbing a sharp piece of glass and throwing it against the wall in frustration.

When she turned around, her mother was nowhere in sight. Zaria clenched her fists, wondering if she was losing her mind.

Was she hallucinating a woman who was now dead? The thought made her shudder, but she knew that she had to stay strong and keep fighting to move past her traumatic past.

Zaria walked brisklyz ignoring the demons that whispered doubts and fears in her ear.

She fixed her posture, tuning serious before making her way to where the crows had gone.

Kaz Brekker watched her from a distance, a small smile on his face as he admired the way she carried herself.

Despite the scar on her face, Zaria was a force to be reckoned with, and Kaz couldn't help but feel a sense of admiration for her strength and resilience.

He noticed how his shirt seemed to fit her perfectly, and how the scarf added a touch of elegance to her outfit.

Saints, he missed her. He missed her voice when she was in a coma, missed the way she challenged him and kept him on his toes.

He knew that he couldn't let himself get distracted by his feelings, not now.

They had a mission to complete, bring Inej back, and Zaria was an integral part of that mission

But as he watched her stand far from him, beside Nina, he couldn't help but feel a sense of longing, a desire to be closer to her, to protect her from harm, like it always happened ever since she got here.

He knew that it was dangerous to let his guard down, but with Zaria, it was difficult to resist the pull of his emotions.

Zaria felt eyes burning in her, she looked up, eyes meeting Kaz who watched her from across, a cocked eyebrow.

Zaria couldn't help but wonder why Kaz was staring at her, until he pointed at her shirt and gestured with his hand, "is that my shirt?"

Zaria blushed, nodding in response, "It looks good on me," she gestured back mouthing the words, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

Kaz's gaze lingered on her for a moment longer, before he looked away, making sure no one had noticed their exchange.

Zaria felt a sense of warmth spreading through her chest, she smiled, shaking her head softly and listening to Jesper.

She admired everything about Kaz, his strength and intelligence, but there was something in the way he spoke, the way he looked at her.

Fucking hell the way he made her feel. And she knew, she knew that she made him feel something too.

She just needed to dig a little bit more, if he lets her of course.

They were both always careful to keep their feelings hidden from the rest of the world.

But they both knew that there was something special between them, something that went beyond snarky remarks, gestures from across and  stealing glances.

And they both wondered what the future held for them, whether their relationship would ever progress.

It seems like it did, after his efforts to kiss her forehead, her.

But who knows?

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A/N: Hi it's been a while, as you all know, the end of school is nearing and i got a lot of exams!! Sorry.

Anyways enjoy. (Zaria deserves the world)