Chapter 51: cause I don't care if I lose my mind, I'm already cursed.
Listen to Fairytale for better experience.

——♤——

Inej was Zaria’s sister, not by blood, and even if she was suffering, her body was suffering from that stupid drug, she continued to fight, to sit on her knees even if it ached terribly like thousands knives stabbing her, and prayed the saints to keep her whole and safe, not her health, but Inej’s.

Matthias and Kaz had returned from the university, holes burned into their clothing from some kind of bomb Wylan had made, Jesper, Zaria and Wylan close on their heels, wild-eyed and soaked from the spring rain that had begun to fall—with a beefy Kaelish-looking farmer in tow.

Nina’s eyes landed on Zaria, who was tensed, soaked from head to toe and eyes wide, she despised the rain and that’s a face everyone knew, her hand trembled and she kept flexing it, a rifle on her shoulder.

And then Kaz, She had no idea what to expect from Kaz. Anger, maybe worse. Kaz didn’t like surprises or potential vulnerabilities, and Jesper’s father was one very stocky, wind-chafed vulnerability

Did something happen between them?

Zaria smiled as soon as her eyes landed on Nina, she walked to her and kissed the side of her head and Nina could hear her heart hammer against her chest without using her powers, it was loud enough to fill the silence between them.

“My saints! You are freezing!” she exclaimed holding Zaria’s hand, her clothes stuck to her body like a second skin, heavy with the weight of the downpour, “oh darling, I think I am dying because of this drug, has-“ she leaned in to whisper, “has he told you who has the drug?” she asked Nina in a whisper.

Nina looked at Kaz who watched them with a frown, probably wondering what they were whispering about, “Kaz.” She replied through gritted teeth, Zaria’s heart dropped and a look of disbelief appeared in her eyes, “I think I am dying, Nina.”

Nina has consumed only a little of the parem, not the rest of the bag like stupid Zaria did, and she couldn’t imagine the pain the girl was currently feeling.

“I need a little, that’s all,” she begged the Heartrender who felt her heart ache at her best friend’s teary eyes, “I rather die than for this pain to continue, every drop of rain landing on my body is like someone stabbing me."

Nina looked into Zaria’s teary eyes, her heart heavy with worry, she could see the pain etched on her friend’s face, and it tore at her own soul, “don’t say that.” She shook her head, tears covering her own green eyes, “I don’t want to lose you, I asked but they- they can’t give us.”

Zaria grabbed her cheeks with her freezing hands, pressing a kiss to her forehead before walking away to change her clothes, putting the rifle on the small table, getting rid of them as soon as she walked in she grabbed the large towel, wrapping it tightly around her body.

Rubbing the water away in frustration, her wrists, her thighs, everywhere, she looked at the mirror, pupils dilated and her eyes almost black, makeup now smudged thanks to the rain, her hair glued to her face and her back.

She stared at herself, the angry scar looked angry this time, bulging, then glanced down at her arms, her hand shook so badly, blood running hot, her ears ringing, the only thing consuming her mind was this stupid drug, the desire to have its taste in her tongue.

It was always seemed to appear after she’s done something that needed most of her energy, or during the night.

Zaria’s hand went down her face, ‘this is what you look like now’, she thought staring at the reflection in horror, ‘full of scars and rage, even the monsters would be terrified of what you’ve become, disgusted, from sweet little Zaria traveling to Ketterdam, to a bitch, killing a man in church and your mother without mercy,’ she took a shaky breath, a tear raced down her cheek yet the other not left her left eye.

“My, you became hideous,” she whispered to herself in disgust, a muscle twitching in her jaw, turning to the side so she sees the angry scar all over her back, it was probably the drugs making her hallucinate these things or where they really…bleeding, turning blue?

She rubbed the towel even more, each stroke getting rougher until her back was filled with white marks, not realizing that she’s scratching down her back, not wiping away the blood and water that raced from her inky hair, she couldn’t stop, as if someone was forcing her to scratch until blood appeared.

Her back was perfect, the scars her mother gave her still there but they weren’t bleeding, her mind was tricking her into seeing blood, tricking her into imagining that the towel was “cleaning” it away but no… it was only her nails.

The towel was tied, hiding every inch of her body except her back and thighs, the water that raced down looked just like blood and it made her drag her nails even deeper, with a cry of frustration she stopped, walking towards the sink.

Washing her face in anger, wiping and scrubbing it until it was all red, and then she collapsed on her knees, tears streamed down her face, mingling with the water, both becoming salty in her tongue.

She kneeled forward, forehead pressed against the ground as she cried silently, “please saints, forgive me,” she whispered her tears falling on the concrete, the reflection in the mirror taunted her, the scars, both physical and emotional, seemed to mock her, reminding her of the pain she had endured and the pain she had caused, her own mind was playing tricks with her.

A soft knock on the door startled her, interrupting her moment of despair. She quickly wiped her tears away and stood up, her trembling hands reaching for the doorknob. As she opened the door, Kaz stood there, catching her off guard, her heart pounding in her chest.

“We’re about start a- were you crying?” he asked watching her avoid his eyes, she shook her head and cleared her throat, “no.” she replied in a whisper and Kaz raised an eyebrow, his concern deepening as he took a step forward.

She gripped the door, hiding behind it and only her face appeared, “then let me in.” she shook her head once again, no it wasn’t because she was only in a towel, she didn’t want him to see her in this state.

“It’s an order.” He spoke, voice raspy, and she didn’t fight him back which made him even worried, and she was never one to listen to his orders why today? She pushed the door wider and gestured him in.

He limped inside watching as she slammed the door shut and turned to him, a menacing look on her face, eyes that were bloodshot red were filled with anger she was in a towel and she looked, oh so beautiful.

“Where’s the parem?” she asked eyes looking into his, Kaz gulped and did everything he can to not look down, wrapped in only a towel, looking like an absolute saint, with the flickering candlelight casting a gentle glow on her skin, she seemed almost ethereal, inky black hair clung to her damp skin like the ocean’s waves.

His eyes then went to hers, “I don’t have it,” she took a step forward, grabbing the rifle she put on the bed and cocking it, “liar. Nina said you do.” She spat, he raised an eyebrow, her eyes weren’t the same as always, the same eyes he fell in love with, these were as black as her hair.

Fury in them, the parem was controlling her, he straightened his posture keeping eye contact and calmly speaking, “Fine, I do, but I won’t give you.”

Her grip on the rifle tightened, her anger intensifying, the room felt heavy with tension, but Kaz refused to back down, "you really think I will give it to you after you almost died because of it? Come on you're stronger than this," He spoke and watched as her eyes flickered with a mix of fury and vulnerability.

She had always been fierce, but now she was on the brink of losing herself to the darkness, losing herself, "you don't understand do you?" She whispered looking at him, rifle still pointed at her face.

Her eyes landed on the rifle and she immediately dropped it to her side, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-" she took a step back and walked away, her back in display for him.

He watched, he couldn't help it but do so, watching her back muscles twitch with every move she did, his eyes followed the drop of water that raced down her smooth black in a speed of light.

He watched her stare at the mirror, with a grimace, and he stared at her in disbelief, but once his eyes landed on that back of hers, Kaz's face is frozen.

"The pain is unbearable, I am going crazy, Kaz! I need the parem to numb it, to make it go away, please-" she was speaking hurriedly waving her hands around in anger, until she turned back around from the mirror.

Almost bumping into a six foot wall of muscles, "what are you doing?" She whispered leaning against the sink and looking up at him, the freezing marble pressing against her burning back made her tense.

Kaz towered over her, the deepest frown on his face, he looked at her then mentioned her to turn around, "turn around." She narrowed her eyebrows at him in confusion, her heart hammering againdt her chest, gripping the sink.

"Why?"

"Turn around, Isla." He ordered again sending goose bumps across her entire body, she groaned, turning back around, forehead pressing against the cold mirror she revealed her back to him.

Drops of blood on her perfect brown skin, scratching marks appearing and added more to the other wounds her mother gave her with that cursed belt of hers.

Like she was clawing at her back like a sinner punished by the devil in hell.

"Do you scratch yourself, Zaria?"

Her heart sank at the question, the truth laid bare before her, she could feel Kaz's presence behind her, examining every scar, studying it carefully, the new and old.

her eyes fluttered shut as exhaustion started to appear, "I thought it was the towel..." she whispered, the freezing mirror relieving her burning body, "it's hideous isn't it," As Zaria whispered her self-deprecating words, her voice filled with a mix of vulnerability and self-disgust, Kaz's heart ached for her, he hated himself.

He was angry, furious at himself, at his body that was going crazy just for standing close to her, hating himself and the demons for not letting him take her in his arms and shield her from the world.

He was taller than her, he was six foot and she looked so tiny, no longer wearing those boots that made her tall, 

Kaz longed to comfort her, to reassure her of her worth, but his own demons kept him at a distance, he stood behind her, closing his own eyes and letting her peachy scent go up his nostrils, brainwashing him.

he tried to find the words to explain the unbearable pain that consumed her, the desperation that drove her to seek any form of relief, nothing.

Just her not daring to meet his gaze and him breathing in her scent, her intoxicating scent, he sometimes thought it might be a love spell, but no, this was just Zaria, his Zaria.

"you are breathtaking," he finally spoke raspily, opening his eyes and noticing how the hairs on her back rose, "you are perfect," he whispered again making her face burn hot and stomach go off like a firecracker.

She hated how after 8 seconds, a smile spread across her face, and she looks down hiding her grin and pushing herself back, Kaz took one step back.

So he doesn't touch her.

She was beaming like an idiot, hand going to her mouth to hide it away and Kaz didn't fight back his own smile— yes Kaz Brekker did smile.

"what if I'm too broken?" She asked in a whisper after a hot minute, fixing her posture so she doesn't look like a damn fool, Kaz struggled, every fiber of his being did.

"I will fix you,"

I love you. She thought out of nowhere, remembering what Colm has told her, she was still waiting for his advice, her pupils dilated, and Kaz's breath hitched.

He had read that according to a scientist, when a person is so in love with another person their pupils dilate, and that's what happened with her eyes.

Once she turned to him, they looked deeply into one another's eyes, so deeply, the whole world around them went silent, her body cooled down and a fluttering feeling appeared instead.

Her eyes were heart shaped, cupid had thrown an arrow at her at the moment, and the way Kaz looked at her with... a sense of peace in his eyes for at least thirteen seconds made her feel happy.

His eyes softened, his eyes turning lighter, pupils dilated as well, hues of dark brown turning golden (in her mind), and he glowed.

In her eyes, he always glowed like an angel even if he was the devil himself.

And in his eyes, she was a saint, absolutely beautiful, he wanted to push her hair away and behind her ear, but instead his hand clutched around his cane, almost snapping the beak in half.

Thump. Thump. The beating of their hearts echoed in unison as if knowing what to do exactly, fast yet slow.

The chattering of the crows snapped them out of thoughts, those dreamy thoughts, Kaz took a step back and started to walk away towards the door, "get dressed, you have 2 minutes," he said and walked away just like that.

Leaving her stand there, beam like a fucking idiot, forget that she hated herself and cried minutes ago, that the drug was taking control.

He made her forget everything.

And even Kaz hated that the corners of his lips lifted as he replayed the way she looked at him.

——♤——

She walked out of the room in a gorgeous fit, wearing Jesper's clothes this time, pants that were bigger than her but not that much and then the silk shirt he wore the night she and Wylan carried him and Inej home.

She stood by Matthias side giving him a small smile, as soon as she appeared, the meeting started, "Were you followed?" Asked Kaz coldly, "No," Jesper replied with a decisive shake of his head.

Kaz turned to Wylan without a second look thrown at Jesper, huh? She thought looking between the boys in confusion, suspicion in her eyes.

"Wylan?" Colm bristled, "You doubt my son's word?" She pressed her lips into a line and looked between Kaz and Jesper a tension between them.

"It isn't personal, Da," said Jesper in slight worry, "He doubts everyone's word." Kaz’s expression had been unruffled, his rough stone voice so easy and pleasant that Zaria felt the hair rise on her arms, she almost fainted because oh shock.

"Apologies, Mister Fahey. A habit one develops in the Barrel. Trust but verify." Oh my god, she thought with slightly wide eyes, he deserved an award for such acting.

"Or don't trust at all,” muttered Matthias making Zaria nod and cross her arms by his side, "mhm, yup," he repeated Wylan's name who set his satchel down on the table.

"If they’d known about the passage, they would have followed us or had people waiting in the printmaker's shop. We lost them."

"I counted about ten on the roof," said Kaz, and Matthias nodded confirmation, "Sounds right," replied Zaria leaning against Matthias as if he was a wall.

Matthias stood there not caring much about her head on his bicep, she was like a sister to him surely Nina isn't jealous.

She wasn't, maybe 0.5 percent, but never mad, she was in fact happy that these two managed to become friends after the whole Hellgate incident with her threatening him and him despising her guts.

They are brother and sister now. Matthias would protect her the same way she did back then in Fjerda.

"But I can't be sure. They had the sun at their backs." She resumed her words, Kaz sat down, his dake eyes focused on Jesper's father.

What will he say-

"You were the bait." Wow. He really went for it, Zaria shook her head at Kaz, "Pardon, lad?" Lad, that word made her laugh, and even Matthias raised an eyebrow, clearly amused, "demjin maybe," he said making Zaria look down and hide her grin.

"The bank called in your loan?" Colm blinked, surprised and then glanced back at Zaria who felt terrible, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact, they sent me a rather sternly worded letter that I become an unstable credit risk. They said that if I didn't pay in full, they would be forced to take legal action." Oh saints

He turned to Jesper who was paler than a damn ghost, "I wrote to you, Jes." His voice was confused, not accusing, never accusing, and it made her heart ache "I…I haven't been able to collect mail."

After Jesper had stopped attending university, had he still managed to receive letters there? Nina wondered how he'd maintained this ruse for so long.

"And Zaria, my dear, your mama is losing her mind she can't contact you at all, and Tamaya as well," silence, the duo were completely silent, listening to the man who raised them talk.

It would have been made easier by the fact that Colm was an ocean away—and by his desire to believe in his son. An easy mark , Nina thought sadly. No matter his reasons, Jesper had been conning his own father.

"Jesper—" started Colm but was cut off by his son, "I was trying to get the money, Da."

"They're threatening to take the farm." Jesper's eyes were firmly fixed on the tomb floor, "I was close. I am close." He said not daring to meet his eyes, "To the money?" Now Nina heard Colm's frustration and it made Zaria wince.

“We’re sitting in a tomb. We were just shot at.” yup, and yup, turns out she and Jesper are in trouble after all. Like always. Saints she won't be surprised if she end up in the same jail cell with him.

Both would annoy the living shit out of the guard so they are together, they would laugh and joke about everything.

Together forever, big bro. She thought shrugging innocently as soon as Jesper's eyes met hers

"What got you on a ship to Ketterdam?" Kaz asked and she shot him a look, one that screamed the words 'BE CAREFUL' she wanted him to make a good impression.... just in case he asks her mother's blessing maybe one day, Colm would say nice things at least.

Not the 'he looks like a damn pin, the devil himself, I don't know what Zaria sees in him' stuff, no.

Hell no. "he is kind and gentle with Zaria, makes her happy, and is respectful," type of shit sounded way better, even if every word was absolute bullshit (except the 'makes her happy' part.)

He had to make a good impression. Even if he had to gouge his eyes out, he will make a good impression or she will kill him before anyone does.

"The bank moved up the collection date!" Colm said indignantly, "Simply said I'd run out of time. I tried to reach Jesper, but when there was no reply, I thought—" he was cut off by Kaz.

"You thought you's see what your brilliant boy was up to here on the dark streets of Ketterdam." He said making Zaria's glare become sharper.

Kaz could feel eyes burning on him and he turned, Zaria stood there with crossed arms, her eyes meeting his dark ones, she looked at him in anger and Kaz immediately regretted his words.

He hated that, but he did.

He couldn't break eye contact until Jesper's father spoke again, "I feared the worst. The city does have a reputation." Of course it does, that's why she came here.

And no one would believe this but, Kaz indeed did use his kindest and best innocent voice to ever exist before replying with a, "Well deserved, I promise you," said Kaz.

It sounded forced, as if someone was poisoning him, but once earning the small nod from her, he let out a breath that he didn't notice was holding it. Relief, relief.

what the fuck, Kaz? No one controlled you like that?

Whatever, it's Zaria Isla, of course she did have him wrapped around her delicate fingers, besides he might even wife her up one day.

Who fucking knows.

——♤——

What do you think of Kaz and Zaria's relationship? I am a whore for them.

Ah yes, I am back from the dead bitch, so this took a while to write and I promise i'll do my best to write even more, my computer is dead, so many undone things even a Sansa Stark oneshot, yes. I am a bitch for her.

BUT I'M BACK FOR NOW!

comment. Vote and let me know what u think!