Some have won a wild delight,
By daring wilder sorrow;
Could I gain thy love to-night,
I'd hazard death to-morrow.
-

The conversation, dreaded by both Sanya and Edmund- even though the former had been the one to propose the idea of it- happened eleven days later.

And when the talk ended, Edmund told himself that he had been right in avoiding it, while Sanya berated herself for suggesting it in the first place.

Sanya had done her very best to not leave her house- in fact, her room.
She tried her best to limit human interaction- yes, even with Lucy- and spent all her time writing almost obsessively into her diary. She wrote stories, but also wrote about her life- accounts of her old life more than her current life, because the only thing that was there in her current life was heartbreak and misery and a surprising amount of mango juice.

In essence, the trip to America had not changed her life in the least.

Except that she kept hoping that there would be burgers. She had had burgers in Boston, and they were phenomenal. They were vying with fish and chips as her favourite this-world food.
Not much competition there, though- most of the food here was terribly bland. She didn't understand it- the British had started invading most of the rest of the world for spices and other rich items, but their food stayed like this!?

At a point, 'because of the war' wasn't good enough reason to justify the state of their food.

She did, however, leave her room occasionally- one of those occasions being Seraphina's birthday, and the others being outings with her 'grandmother' she had been forced into or stupid things like bathing and eating- which meant her room was not exactly a Yellow Wallpaper-like environment.

And it was on one such occasion that she ran into Edmund.
Not in front of his house- not at the corner-shop of the neighbourhood- no, it was in the park.

The bloody park!
In front of the swings, too- her happy place!

"Fancy seeing you here." Sanya said, preparing herself to get off the haven of the swings. "Come to revisit your lost childhood?"

"No, but that's actually not a bad idea." Edmund huffed out a laugh, staring around at the park. Then he looked at her, as she slipped off the swings and pushed herself into an upright position- and then she walked towards him.
The glow that had been in her face disappeared as she came nearer and nearer.
"No, I left my hat here a few days ago- on the twentieth-"

"Twentieth?" She asked, in an odd tone of voice. "You were at the park?"

He nodded, looking caught out.
"I- I know you bury- you bury flowers for our children- and I wanted to bury something, too."
He'd buried a poem he'd taken out from a school book- he remembered that Sanya had said that Seraphina had loved poetry.

"How did you know where I'd-"

He turned and pointed to the three trees.
"Tallest tree for Jem, the one with the shortest branches for Sel, and the one that gets flowers in the spring for Seraphina. Am I wrong?"

"No." Sanya felt her nose start to burn. "No, you're not wrong. I just- I never told you about it, so I'm surprised."
Fifteen seconds of conversation, and it had already turned heavy. What was wrong with them?

"I've known you for a long time, M- Sanya." Even if she hid herself from everyone, he still saw her. "You shouldn't really be surprised."

"True." She fidgeted nervously, cracking the joints of her fingers- as though doing that would help tear out the anxiety from her bones. Still, it was oddly satisfying. "Today's the day we met, you know."

Edmund, understandably, looked confused.
"What do you mean?"

"Back- back in our world. We met for the first time today. The twenty-sixth of November."
How could he not remember the date? Granted, part of the reason she remembered it was because she had scrawled it on her calendar- but he was supposed to remember things.
Perhaps the date just wasn't important to him anymore.
"It's alright if you don't remember-"

"Of course I remember. It isn't exaggeration to say that my life changed that day." He laughed a little, wondering if that sounded as false as it felt. His words, however, were utter truth. "You're the exact same age now, that you were then, right?"

She nodded, "Exactly. You aren't- you were a year older then."

"Yes, I was." Sixteen and eighteen, Princess and King. "And then we got married a week and a half later."

"And then we got married a week and a half later." She said, laughing softly as well.
But the laughter didn't last long- and she asked, feeling sick on the inside, "Did you read my letter?"

"Oh, I did." Too many times to count. "You were indeed very truthful in that."

"Well, you deserve the truth, Ed." How the fuck was she supposed to reply to that? That, which was a very non-committal reaction, might she add. "I was a dickhead to not give it to you earlier."

Edmund blinked, "Dickhead?"

"Yeah, I heard a girl yell it at her brother on the ship, and it seemed very amusing."

"What a legacy that girl will leave." He snorted, before nodding outside the park. Sanya got the hint and the two began to walk out to the street. "How was the stay on the ship?"

"It was fine." She shrugged. They should return to the topic of the letter- but she felt too afraid to bring it up again. Bringing it up once had been scary enough.
And they were talking normally after so long- she couldn't risk that.
"Apparently, I have sea-sickness in this world."

He actually stopped walking, staring at her in consternation.
"Seriously?"

"Serious as a memorial." She could've said funeral- but Edmund's memorial had famously been a memory that came back to stab her very often. "When it comes to enormous ships, at least. I'm fine on smaller boats, on calmer waters."
She shrugged, regretting the topic of conversation. She did not want to relive all the times she had thrown up.
"I spent most of the journey in bed and puking into paper bags. Bags, which I realised soon were thrown into the ocean- could you be any more careless with water? Just because there's so much of it, doesn't mean that it should be treated that way-"

"You should become an environmentalist. Maybe you can stop the weather from being so bloody cold."

"Perpetual spring, summer, monsoon, and autumn do sound nice." She had to admit- Zeus had better be listening to this part of the conversation.
With quite an effort, she managed to ask, "How's Oscar?"

They were both quiet for a moment as they ducked into a local bakery for the warmth.

It was a few streets away from both the Pevensie and Rainsford houses- and it was quite empty, except for one woman at the counter, who was asleep on a chair and drooling on the glass. The emptiness would've been surprising, had it not been for the fact that the baker of the shop had left to volunteer as a nurse in the trenches mere weeks ago.

"He's nice." Edmund answered soon- he was very sure his cheeks were red. "My parents don't know what he is to me- but I think they like him."

Like they had never liked her.
Sanya wished her brain could shut up.
"I'm glad to hear that."
No, she was not.
But the next part, she did mean.
"You deserve all the happiness, Ed."

It was then that the former Just King decided, unfortunately, that he had procrastinated enough.
"Sanya, about the letter- I don't know what to say. How to act. I've been wracking my brain for the past few weeks, trying to think of what I'd say to you- if I even wanted to see you again-"

Ouch.

"But I can't think of anything."
And that almost drove him crazy- because he always, always thought of something, no matter what.
"How does someone react to the fact that his wife inadvertently caused their children's deaths, and possibly his country's fall?"

Sanya could make a joke. Sanya even had ideas for a joke.
But she didn't feel like laughing. She didn't even feel nothing, like she often did.
She felt angry. Which, granted, was also something she felt often- but rarely was that emotion born out of something Edmund had done or said.
Well, but- even that had become more usual than rare, of late.
"How do you think the wife reacted to learning that she inadvertently caused their children's deaths, and possibly her husband's country's destruction?"

"I know you've suffered so much, but I've just found out about my home's fall and that our children were murdered!"

"I know that, but can't we focus on the fact that we lost them- that they lost both of us-"

"Sanya, my leaving was an accident." Edmund had never, ever wanted to leave Narnia, or his family. "You abandoned them by choice!"

That made her falter. Yes. She had done that.
That was the end of everything, wasn't it? She had chosen to leave them.
"Just tell me if you blame me." He should blame her. She was the villain, if it was a story. "For everything."

He swallowed again, the words stuck in his throat.
He didn't think he blamed her. Even if she had chosen to leave them- which she had, he had read the letter- she had been manipulated and goaded and frightened into it.
He knew how that felt, perhaps better than anyone.
"No." He said quietly, and her eyes widened in shock. "No, I don't."
He had to remember- she had abandoned them for him. To find him.
He was to blame, too.
He went on, "Not even for the Faerie Queen affair."

Her eyes widened even more, making her resemble a goldfish- and a pimple next to her eye started to sting as her facial muscles stretched.
"But I am definitely to blame for that-"

"You weren't in your right mind. At all. I think it was some sort of psychosis, honestly, if anything." He wondered if there was anything like that in psychology. "The prisoner ending up having feelings for the captor."

"Feelings only of lust. It was Rhiannon's feelings that were more than just lust."
The captor falling in love with the prisoner. A strange tale. She'd have likened it to Hades and Persephone, had Hades not already been in love and if his love had stayed unrequited forever.
"I'm truly sorry about that." She said, shivering a little. "I did want her, and I doubt that it was all fabricated, and the sex was great- but I regret it. Every time I think of her- of everything with her- it makes me more nauseated than morning sickness ever could."

By Aslan, he wanted to hug her. Comfort her.
But he stopped himself.
"Do you regret it?"

"What, having sex with her? Definitely-"

"No, I know you regret that, I knew it before you even said it, because you hate her so." Edmund stared at Sanya, and he felt like all of him would be on fire until she answered his next question. "Do you regret abandoning our children?"

Oh, she needed to sit down.
"Sometimes." The once-High Queen said, remembering when she had given the same answer a year ago, when he had asked if she wanted to hurt people. "A lot of the time, actually. I lie down and I wish that this all was a dream, and I'm actually sleeping after reading to my Jem and Sel, with Seraphina dozing away in her bassinet. I wish my little brother was just a letter away. I want nothing more than to have my family again."
Then, almost unconsciously, she took a step forward.
"But other times, I don't regret it. Some other times, I think that perhaps I would have searched for you for a thousand years and made deals with a thousand devils to be with you again, even if the djinn had never hissed in my ear."
She wanted to hold him. Touch him. Any part. A strand of hair, the back of his hand. Even a single fleeting brush would be enough.
"Other times, I think and I know that you are worth everything I had to give up."

He was quiet for a long moment, and not just because her sudden nearness was causing his little grey cells to falter.
"Am I seriously worth leaving everything behind?" He wasn't- how could it be possible that he was worth that much? "Am I worth every single fucking bit of pain- no, of torture that you went through?"

"Edmund, I love you-"

"And I love you, but that's not what I asked."

Well, now she knew he still loved her. Thank the Heavens for small mercies.
"I don't know, alright?" That was pure honesty. "I don't know if you're worth everything I gave up, but I know I love you, and you're my everything- and that's enough for me."

Everything was going wrong. When they had been speaking of the trees, he had had hope that they would go home without biting each other's heads off.
Edmund didn't have that hope anymore- and he didn't want to have it.
"So, if I tell you I don't blame you for anything, and that I forgive you- you'll be alright?"

"I don't think I'll ever be alright. Not truly."
That had probably gone out the window the moment that she had been born a Crown Princess.
Or, rather, born human and with the capacity of thought.
"But it would help. Worrying about how you'd take it- and my fear that you'd leave me-" again, "has haunted my mind for years now. I'm an awful person- but your love makes me better everyday."

Edmund inhaled, "You act like I'm absolution for you. That being with me means you're forgiven- that being with me makes up for everything. It doesn't. I love you, but I can't be your redemption. You need to do that yourself- you need to forgive yourself, first."

It took barely a moment for Sanya to reply- well, shout- back, but it felt like an eternity.
That wasn't true. Was it true?
Certainly, she did see being with Edmund as a- a reward, she supposed- a testament to the fact that everyone who went through pain deserved something good; and hearing Edmund say that he didn't entirely blame her for their children's deaths had loosened a knot in her shoulders that she had rather resigned to thinking was permanent.
It was true. And she hated that. She especially hated that he had pointed it out to her.
"Have you, then!?" She asked heatedly, because that feeling of hers was because of him. Him! "Have you ever forgiven yourself?"

The woman at the counter shifted at the sudden increase in volume, but remained in deep sleep.

He was thrown, "For what? Betraying my family? No, Sanya, I haven't- I never can, because even though I've accepted it, I simply can't-"

"Not just that." She said, and her tone silenced him. "Do you forgive yourself for leaving me?"

"I-"
But he had no words. Someone had torn his vocal cords out, tried to claw out his very heart. That was how it felt.
Of course he hadn't forgiven himself. Leaving her was one of his biggest regrets- and she knew that.
But he hadn't left for good on purpose. He had left her, thinking that it was an ordinary half-day hunt, and that he would be home to his wife and two and a half children and their castle by supper.
"I regret that happened. I regret it every single day, Sanya, you have no idea- I lost-"

"No, I lost!" She yelled, resisting the urge to stamp her foot like a child. Oh, if she still had her powers, her eyes would be blazing brighter than any fire. "I lost and gave up everything, and spent a thousand years imprisoned after you left! I felt that pain and grief for a m-mile-millennium. And you? You were only here for less than two years before returning home. You felt my loss for a year and a half, while I felt yours for twenty years first, and then a thousand years after that! And you had your siblings and your parents and your home those two years- you still do, you're a happy fucking family!"

Her voice dripped with sarcasm, and Edmund really wished it didn't, because it was obscenely attractive.

Breathing hard, she went on, "And- and after I came here- you walked away from me again. You hurt me. You hurt me so much- knowingly, in-intentionally. You were all I had, and- and-"

The guilt burnt in his throat, and he felt like he would choke on it.
"Moonshine-"

Sanya would not be swayed by the name.
"I don't have anything- I have lost everything-"

"That's exaggeration, Sanya-" He said- he wasn't scoffing, but that just wasn't true, "you do have things-"

"Yeah? I do?" She took another step to him, her hands balled in fists. She wasn't sure if she wanted to kiss him or kick him. "Then where are my parents, Ed?"
Dead.
"Where's my baby brother? My aunt?"
Dead.
"Where's Moonlight?"
Dead.
"Where's my palace- or my crown?"
Disappeared, gone, ruins.
"You see Ishita anywhere, clucking after me to brush my hair properly?"
Dead.
"What about my people? My country? Where are they?!"
Dead. Extinct.
"Or my children?"
Dead, buried, dust.

He had been looking down for most of her outburst, the guilt nauseating and inflaming now- but at that, he had to look up, not least because it reminded him of the 'my world- no, our world' incident.
His eyes narrowed, "Our children."

"No."
It was instinctive, cruel, and Sanya wished she could take it back immediately.

"What the fuck-"

She hurt all over. She hurt in her heart and her lungs and her brain and her jaw and her feet, and she wanted to die- but somehow, she wanted to cause pain, too.
"You didn't want to be Jem's father."
Truth.
"You only knew Selene for four years, she barely remembered you-"
Truth.
"And you never met Seraphina. You didn't even know her name."
Truth.
He had asked for the truth, she thought, her eyes burning. He was getting exactly what he wanted.
"They might as well not even have had a father."
Lie. Lie. Lie.

Edmund stared at her, shocked and hurt into pure speechlessness.
Perhaps part of the reason for that was that she was right. Every single thing she'd said- it was the plain truth. He had been with their children for such little time, he might as well not have been a real father.
But that didn't give Sanya the right to throw it in his face, like she'd done the necklace.
It didn't give her the right to use it to hurt him this badly.
"You know what? Perhaps you're right about being an awful person. But you know what's not a perhaps? How much I want you to get away from me, and never come back."

She looked at him, feeling as cold and calm as the pond in the spring palace on a winter morning.
Not that she had ever experienced that water on a winter morning- or any morning, because she hated mornings.
Was this the cold rage? The one that was akin to avalanches?
"How the tables turn, then."

It wasn't his house- but, as she had said, Finchley was his home. He could tell her to go away.
Even though part of him just wanted her to stay. Even though that was probably all he wanted.
He shook his head, pushing his hair away from his face, "Leave."

She did- and this time, she didn't look back.
--

The only reason that Sanya was going to the Pevensie house was because she had been assured by Lucy- in a telephone call- that Edmund and Oscar had plans outside that afternoon.
She didn't really want to know when her husband and his new boyfriend had dates- but she tried to not think about that part.
If he wasn't there, it was fine for her to go and drop his hat that she had ended up finding in the park.
She had found it the day after the 'fight'- and now it was the third of December, which meant it had taken her a week to build up the courage to go to the Pevensie house.

It was three days from their thirteenth first-wedding anniversary.
They did say that thirteen was unlucky.

"Oh, hello, Sanya!" Helen smiled at her, ushering the young girl inside. "How's life without sea-sickness?"

Ugh, she looked cheery. Sanya was not at all in the mood for cheeriness.
The only thing she would have been in the mood for was boxing.
Yes, she knew what boxing was- little Lenny Nimoy had educated her on the subject, and it had fascinated her.
Perhaps she should've sparred with a tree and let out some of her rage before coming here.
"A lot less dependent on paper bags." She shrugged. "How are you and Mr. Pevensie?"

"Adjusting. George is home for a few more days, so that's nice. And Susan-" Helen's smile slipped slightly. "Have you spoken to Susan recently?"

"Not really."

"Oh." She looked troubled. "She's always been so sensible and responsible, my girl. But after America, she's hardly home-"

"She's probably just trying to enjoy what time she has before university." Sanya tried to assure her, remembering that Bonnie had said in her letter yesterday that acceptance letters for the universities starting from January were being mailed. Perhaps Susan had applied for the winter term at some uni, like Peter, who had got his letter a few weeks ago.
Bonnie hadn't applied yet, because- as she said- she wanted to start university at the end of September, as it was supposed to be.
But Sanya thought she was just scared of applying, which she understood. She was very glad that she had no intentions to go to university.
She had no intentions for anything after school, really. She'd no idea.
And that would definitely cause her a lot of anxiety soon enough.

"She's not going to university." Mrs. Pevensie said, looking even more troubled. "George has told her to look into some secretarial courses- she can't just gad about in so-called society for her entire life-"
But the older woman stopped, shaking her head.
"Sorry to burden you with this, Sanya. Being a mother is difficult."

"I know." She said quietly- unthinkingly. Helen looked surprised, and Sanya immediately panicked. "I- I- I mean, I can imagine."

"I'm sure you'll experience it someday. Both the difficulties and the joys." She told her kindly- but perhaps she was overstepping, especially since the girl had not given any hint that she had outgrown her coldness towards her and her husband. "I'm keeping you too long, aren't I? Are you here to see Ed? He's-"

"No, no- just to give him back his hat." Sanya said, holding it up. "I know where he keeps his hats- can I go up to his room to put it there?"

Helen looked unsure for a moment, but finally nodded.
"Of course, go on up. Better you than me- Ed is very possessive about his hats."

Sanya smiled politely at her in response, and moved towards the staircase.

Unfortunately- when was it ever fortunately for her, anyway- Lucy had only been half-right in her report.

Edmund and Oscar clearly had had plans- but not outside. No, they had plans in his bedroom.

She stood outside the open door for a moment, her presence invisible to the- to the- to the couple. Edmund and Oscar were sitting on his bed, rather close together, and he was grinning.
The love of her life was smiling at something the other boy was saying, and Sanya couldn't remember the last time he had looked happy like that with her.

And they looked like they fit. They looked like they were supposed to be.
Their smiles reflected the clear contentment of being near each other- and of the lack of pain in being together. They weren't plagued by any soul-crushing angst, be it of the past or the present or the future.

Oscar was holding one of Edmund's school jackets, too- it had been rolled into a ball, which the boys must have been playing with. It was one of Ed's rugby jackets- the one he had always asked her to wear.

The sweltering, nauseating, burning sensation of envy and jealousy and disgust and regret started to envelop her guts, slowly inching towards her heart.

And she had never been more grateful for Peter, who was there, too, sitting on his bed- because his presence in the room was clearly the only reason she had not walked in on them kissing.

Edmund glanced away from his boyfriend, his eyes unconsciously moving towards the door- and he was promptly struck as he noticed who was there.

"Oh." Sanya finally said, staring at Edmund, who stared right back at her. "You're here."

"Yes- this is my house." He said, more than a little impolitely. "Where else am I supposed to be?"

"Lucy- Lucy said that- that you had plans- with him-"

"'Him' has a name." Oscar said, giving her a look. But- well, there was no point in being an arse to the younger girl. "How're you today?"

"I'm alright, Oliver." She said, her hands turning into fists and almost crumpling Edmund's hat. "How are you?"
And why aren't there misshapen balls being thrown at your FUCKING HEAD-

"Can't complain, honestly." He smiled, glancing at Edmund- who seemed to have no idea that there were people in the room other than his ex-girlfriend. "It's Oscar, by the way."

"Yes, that's what I said." Sanya was clenching her jaw so hard she was almost sure she would be chipping several teeth by the end of this interaction. "Anyway, Lucy said you two had plans outside-"

"They did, actually, but Mum and Dad are suspicious of them." Peter said, looking up from a book about- well, Sanya hoped it was about medicine and not necromancy. "Which is why they're staying in, and why I am sitting here as the third wheel."

She frowned, "Suspicious?"

Edmund shrugged, "Yeah, most parents here don't really want their sons to be dating boys."

Right. The bigotry.
She shrugged too, "I wouldn't mind it."

Leaning back on the bed, Oscar said, "Well, you're not a parent, so you can't really talk."

There was an odd feeling that all the blood in her body was pushed to her head, and the rest of her body seemed to be full of something else.
Anger.
Her eye twitched.
"Shut up, dickhead." She spoke tightly- and Edmund's hat would never be all neat and starched again. "Shut the fuck up about what you don't know."
Exactly, though- he didn't know, he had no idea, she shouldn't want to hurt him-

"I don't-" Oscar looked astonished at her reaction- he looked at his boyfriend, who was staring at the floor, and then at his brother, who looked wary. Almost afraid. "Shit, sorry- I forgot your parents passed away- I'm so sorry-"
He probably shouldn't have said that in that way- but that had to be it, right?

Sanya lunged at Oscar, and the older boy narrowly avoided being mauled only because Edmund threw himself forward and caught his wife before she could get at him.

"Oscar, mate, you should leave, I think." Peter said hastily, trying to hustle the boy out of the room whilst simultaneously trying to focus on his brother and sister-in-law wrestling together. "Ed will see you tomorrow!"

Oscar stopped at the door for a split-second, looking back at his boyfriend. Again, though, he seemed preoccupied with Sanya- but, well, in the current situation, he couldn't blame him.
"Bye." He said, mostly to himself, and then walked away.

"Sanya- stop it-" Edmund said, struggling to hold the struggling Sanya- of all the times for her to stop being lazy- "Calm down, Moonshine, please- please-"

And in a few moments, she did- at least, enough for Edmund to no longer have to restrain her.
Perhaps because it was her anchor pleading for her to do so.
"Don't tell me what to do!" She said, shifting away from him. She still felt like she was burning with rage- oh, she had wanted to punch that fucking man so much! "I had every right-"

Peter tried, "Sanya, Sanya, I understand jealousy, but that's no reason-"

"I'm not jealous!" She shrieked, her usually-deep voice going shrill. "That's not- that is not why-"

"Really?" Peter asked, extremely sceptical. "Are you telling me you're not at all jealous of your husband's new boyfriend?"
If he was in Sanya's place- oh, Oscar would've run away to Cardiff the moment he got the acceptance letter.

"I- uh-" Sanya couldn't very well say that she wasn't. She didn't think that she had ever been more jealous than she was now.

"Go on, Sanya." Edmund said- he was sitting next to his brother now, letting her sit on his bed all alone. "Lie. You do it often enough."

"Oh, fuck off, Edmund-" She hissed, "Why don't you leave? You do that often enough!"

Ouch.
But he was not to be deterred. He had to remain cool, composed- firm.
"Believe me, I would, but you just attacked my boyfriend!"

Sanya fought the urge to cry.
'My boyfriend' fell from her soulmate's pretty lips so easily, so naturally- and it broke her heart. She knew that was a very exaggerated reaction to something so simple and little, but she couldn't help it.
Edmund had a boyfriend. Edmund was with someone that wasn't her. Edmund was happy with his boyfriend and even happier that he was no longer with her.
She was glad and grateful that he wasn't miserable, and that he had genuine moments of joy- but the rest...

Trying her best to not think of her heart's condition, she spoke heatedly, "I attacked him because he said- he dared to- because he-"

"Sanya, don't you dare try to hurt him again." His jaw clenched, and he realised that he again couldn’t take his eyes off her. Oh, why? "He knows nothing."

"I know he doesn't know! I know it was irrational for me to attack him."
And she was reminded, instantly, of the moment in the forest when she had thought- realised- that she was abusive. That she was violent and cruel and a bad person.
Had she been this right about that?

Edmund was fed up, honestly- and he couldn't forget how she had said that he wasn't a real father. It would perhaps always hurt him.
"Then why did-"

"Because I am irrational, Edmund- one would think you'd know that about your wife of almost thirteen years-" Sanya glared at him, and he had the decency to look ashamed, "and what if I am jealous, literally anyone else in my position would be-"

Peter rolled his eyes, "You can't attack someone just because the person you love has deep feelings for two people."

Edmund squirmed- because he didn't.
He didn't think he did, at least.
He remembered how he had felt years ago, when he'd just started falling for Sanya- and his feelings for Oscar were nothing like that. He liked kissing him, and he really liked spending time with him- but was it in that way?
He doubted it.

Her eyes were slits, "Of course you'd say that."
It seemed her anger had changed its course- and was now aimed entirely at Peter.
She should never have found that hat.

"What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean-"

"Aura." She said, and Peter's ears started ringing. "Caspian. Remember them?"

His mouth was dry, "Of course I-"

"Sanya." Edmund looked at her imploringly. "Don't- it's me you're-"

Sanya ignored him- actually, she heard him, and tried to act like she hadn't. Which- was ignoring. Heavens, her brain was fucked.
"Tell me, Peter. Who do you love more- Caspian or Aura? Who would you choose, if the choice came down to it?"
She hated herself, she wanted to stop, but it was as though her mouth had a mind of its own- and the mind was vile, vindictive, and wicked.
"The woman you wanted to marry, or the boy you gave your sword and heart to?"

Peter wanted to cry. Those questions were something he had agonised about since he'd realised he cared for Caspian. But he'd done his best- his very best- to not dwell on then, because dwelling on them would just be fruitless and painful, and he had had too many things to do.
"I want to hit you, Sanya." He told her clearly, before getting to his feet. "But I won't. I'm going to leave, because I can't fucking stand you right now."

Sanya took a deep breath, and looked away, towards the window.
Oh, she felt like jumping out of it- but she'd content herself with staring out of it until Peter-

"You know, Sanya," Peter paused at the doorway, looking back- for someone who had been close to violence, he looked remarkably calm. "I could've asked you a similar thing. Whether you'd choose Edmund or your children."

"Peter," Edmund's tone was dangerous, "stop. Don't-"

Sanya felt dead again, but- despite his brother's warning- he wasn't done.

"But that question was answered, wasn't it, the moment you abandoned your babies for the slightest chance of seeing Ed again?"
And then he walked out, not wanting to be anywhere near her.

Sanya was on the verge of shaking. She hugged herself, and stared at the floor, feeling- oh, feeling what? Nothing good, everything bad, as per fucking usual!
And hurt. She felt hurt.
Not the hurt of grief- but the hurt of betrayal. She knew she should not have mocked him about Aura and Caspian- but how could he have used her children against her? As though she didn't burn with guilt about abandoning them every single moment of every day.

"Moonshine." Edmund said softly- his tone was soft not just to soothe her, but because he was afraid that his voice would break. "Moonshine, are you-"

No, she fucking wasn't!
And, suddenly, something clicked into place. Why Peter had been so frigid to her- because Edmund had told him.
He had told him about their children- and he had told him that she was the reason that Narnia had been almost razed.
He had told him everything she had kept confined to herself for years, everything she had thought would be a secret only between the two of them.
She turned to Edmund with an accusing stare, "You told him?"

"I-" Bloody hell. He hadn't even thought about that. "Not- not everything- but I needed someone to talk to-"

"How could you?" She was going to end up sobbing. "Do you know what it took for me to tell you- how much it killed me to tell you the truth?"
To tell him what she'd done?
"Then you go and tell-"

"My brother! I told my brother- I needed to talk about it-"

"You could've talked to me!" She cried. He had promised her that he would always be there for her- and surely, he knew that she would always be there for him, too! "You could've- I-"

Was she serious?
"You ran away!" He told her furiously, fearing for her memory. "To another country! Another continent!"

"You told me to go!"
She would never have gone if he hadn't broken up with her and torn her heart apart! She would have stayed with him! That was why she had come into this world, after all- to be with him.
Still, that wasn't much of an argument, and so she went on, "And- well, it's not too different from when I told you I didn't want a romantic relationship with you and you ran away to spy on GIANTS!"

He almost gasped- she was bringing that up? That had happened a thousand years ago!
"I went to spy on giants because it was my duty-"

"And my rejection of you had nothing to do with that!?"

"Of course it did!"
She knew that. Edmund knew that she knew that. He had lied to himself so many times back then, that she didn't mean anything to him- but she did. She meant everything.
"You broke my heart."

"And you came back, and you broke mine." Despite everything, she couldn't help a teary chuckle. "A broken heart for a broken heart."

"And now we've broken them all over again."

"I'm happy it's you that breaks my heart." She told him, after a moment- and it was more honest than she had been with him in months, save for the letter. "I don't want anyone else to have that hold over my heart, except for you."

Edmund thought back to the night before their second wedding.
"You said I earned your heart, remember? I suppose I also earned the power to break it."

"I think that's what love is." She said quietly. She didn't feel the volcanic rage she had felt just seconds ago.
She placed the hat on the bed, and then got to her feet, "I'm going to leave- tell Peter sorry from me. I'm- I'm very sorry."

"I'm sorry I told Peter. I shouldn't have- it was very wrong of me."

"It's alright." She couldn't argue anymore. She was so tired. "Tell Oscar sorry, too.”

"I'm- I'm sorry that I’m-" with him, "hurting you."

"I'm sorry I said that about you not being a real father." She still couldn't believe that those words had actually come from her mouth. "That's the biggest of all the lies I've told you-"
She sank back onto the bed, just to sit for a moment- and she fought back a sniffle.
"And I'm also sorry that I've lied to you so much."

He spoke so softly Sanya almost missed it.
"I can't believe they're dead. Th-that they were killed."

"Nei-neither could I. When they didn't visit me in- in Neráida, I thought it was because they hated me. I was so sure that was why, because they had every possible reason to hate me."
She squeezed her eyes shut, before opening it, looking to her side to glance at Edmund.
"Then I found out it was because they had died weeks after I'd left. That all- all three of our-"

"Our babies." Edmund whispered to complete her sentence, tears streaming down his face. They had come about so fast, he hadn't even realised. But he didn't even try to stop it. If there ever was something to cry about, it was this. "They were gone too soon."

"Yes. Too soon. Too cruelly." Sanya said hoarsely, turning fully towards him-
He was crying. Edmund was crying. Although she had seen him cry a few times in their time together- she could count those times on one hand.
She hesitated for a second, before raising her hands and bringing them to his face.
He didn't flinch.
Gently, she wiped away the tears off his soft cheeks.
"Don't cry, Edmund. Please don't cry."

"Kings cry, Moonshine." He said, his eyes flickering towards hers. Still so bright- in their brownness and in their warmth.
It was almost overwhelming how much he wanted to kiss her. To hold her.
"Especially when it's about such loss."
He didn't want to look away. Ever.
But he still did, turning away the moment he was sure his tears had stopped, and her arms dropped away from his face.
He wanted to say something more, too- but he didn't.

Sanya knew an intentional silence when she heard it, and this was one.
She'd stay away from him from now on, she decided. That was best for them.
"I'll leave you alone from now on. Both of you. Oscar's great, and- and I don't hate him." She was just jealous. "I- I'm glad you found him. You deserve to be happy."

Edmund looked at her, and nodded slowly- and Sanya surmised that that was as much of an acceptance as she was going to get.
It was more than she deserved.

And with that, before either of them could burst into more rare tears, she walked out, leaving him sitting alone with his hat.

As she walked down the stairs, breathing in and out- just in case she ran into Peter somewhere- she heard voices from the kitchen.
It wasn't Peter's voice- but Helen's and George's.

Helen was saying, "-surprised Edmund and that captain of his didn't go out today."

"I think it's the first day since he came here that they didn't go out." That was George. "I worry, you know. I mean, he's a fine young man, and has had many a good chat with me about sports- but I still worry."

"So do I, sweetheart." Sanya heard her say, and she crept closer to the kitchen door. "But, I mean- he is very nice, and they seem to have a happy friendship."

"Ennie, you know I want our son to be happy, but if- if it turns out to be not just a friendship-"

"Don't say that, George- you forget, Edmund was with Sanya for years-"

"But they've broken up, haven't they? And he was the one to break up with her. We can't just assume-"

"Don't- you're reminding me of the awful things those bullies used to tell him-"

"All the more reason to worry, because what if they were right? What if Sanya was just a friend, and Oscar isn't just a friend, and our son is a-"

"Are you talking about Oscar?" Sanya interrupted, standing by the kitchen door. The parents turned to her, horrified and turning as red as the apple Helen was slicing. "He's great, isn't he?"

"Er, I suppose-"

As though no one had spoken, she went on, "Can you believe he left his girlfriend and decided to come to Finchley to help his cousin? It's so chivalrous."

Helen and George exchanged looks.
"Girlfriend?"

Sanya nodded, "Yeah- um- May. She lives in Cardiff, and he was supposed to go early to spend time with her, but his cousin's wife is ill, so he came here instead. The reason he chose that university is for her. But you probably knew that-"

"No, no, we didn't." Helen said unevenly, before clearing her throat. "You know Oscar well?"

"Not particularly-" she could not lie about knowing that chutiya, "but Ed spent half our dates complaining about him. And the other half- well-"
She feigned a blush- surprisingly easy a task, since that part was very true- which made George cough awkwardly.
"Ed honestly dislikes him so much. He made Peter stay with them today, just so he didn't throttle him."
Sanya wanted to throttle him.
"You'd never know it, though, Edmund is always so diplomatic. Anyway-"
She began to back away, hoping she had satisfactorily shielded Edmund and Oscar from being found out.
"I'm off. Bye-bye."

"Bye." Helen said faintly- and when the door had shut, she looked at her husband again. "Well- that's dealt with."

George chuckled, as though he wasn't incredibly relieved, "Thankfully."

She laughed a little, too, before sighing.
"Back to worrying about Susan, then."
--

"Mon dieu, Mama, I didn't take money from your purse- I didn't!" Mina yelled into the telephone. "What do you mean, don't speak French at you- you were the one who raised me in the damned place-"

Sanya sighed very audibly, and kept on reading Anne's House of Dreams.

Anne and Gilbert’s first son had just been born, in the book. His name was James- Jem, just like Sanya and Edmund’s first son had been Jem. She was glad for Anne and Gilbert- Anne, especially, for the eponymous redhead, too, was a mother who had lost a baby. And Sanya knew all too well how the loss of children could devastate and decimate one’s heart- she had lost three. Four, really.

"It's my birthday celebration, must you- yes, I'm aware my actual birthday was one week ago- and yes, I am also aware that you are the reason I was birthed- I know you didn't give birth to me for me to be a drug addict- oh, stop crying, Mother, it won't work- goodbye, Mama!"
And she slammed the receiver down with a resounding clang, and her friend finally looked up from her book.

"Good talk?"

"I hate my mother."

Sanya nodded solemnly, completely understanding.
"A lot of teenage girls do."

"I wish we'd left her back in Sintra."

That was where Mina's grandparents lived.
She snorted, "She probably feels the same way about you and France."

Mina gave her a look, "Rude."

"That's friendship, darling." Sanya replied, before shutting her book. "Can we leave? I still don't know why we're going out this late-"

"It's barely six in the evening, you crone." She rolled her eyes, before offering her hand to Sanya- she took it, and got up from the sofa. "I promised you that you'd forget about Edmund and that I'd have you back by midnight, and I intend to keep that promise- whilst having a fantabulous seventeenth birthday celebration."

"Speaking of, why are you spending your 'birthday celebration' listening to the radio with me at my house instead of heading out to some ball, or something?"

The blonde blinked, "Ball?"

"I- I meant gala." She kept slipping up! This was getting dangerous. It was thankful that she had a reputation for being an awkward scatterbrain, and any strange comment of hers was excused because of that. "Or whatever else an extroverted social butterfly does on birthdays."
Her actual birthday had been a week ago, but Mina had had an appen-something surgery done two weeks before that, so she had not been up to celebrating.
Frankly, she still ought to be on bedrest, but Mina had literally screamed- so she'd said, Sanya had not been there- when the doctor had suggested she stay in bed for another week.

"Social butterfly?" Mina seemed amused, as she put on her coat. "I like the sound of that. What are you, then?"

"Antisocial moth, obviously." She said, as though that was a widely known fact. Of course, it wasn't actually a widely known fact, because she wasn't widely known here- thankfully- but a friend of hers ought to be aware! "We've known each other long enough for you to know how sickeningly introverted I am."

"Yes, I know that full well." She said very pointedly- the only reason Sanya had accepted her invitation today was because it was to celebrate her birthday. It was usually impossible to get her to go to even the common room while at school. "Your coat, Sanya-"

"Oh, right-" She ran into the living room, and grabbed it, pulling it over her. "Grandmother, we're leaving!"

She grabbed Mina's arm and- without waiting for a reply from Maude, because she knew a reply would entail a lot of questions- they both ran out.

Laughing, Mina asked, "Shouldn't you have at least waited for her to reply?"

Sanya gave her a look, as they climbed into the car- it was Mina's.
Well, not Mina's own car, obviously, but her family's- though her friend did say that this particular car was used usually only by her for her various outings, so it basically was hers.
"Oh, you're one to talk, Ms. Cuts-Her-Own-Mother's-Phone-Call."

"Yes, to Mayfair." Mina told the driver, who nodded and started the car. Then, patting the top of her smooth head, she looked at Sanya, "Do stop bringing up parents- you know I can't retort with something similar, because that'd just be cruel."

Sanya decided to not respond to that- but she did inwardly pat herself on the back for not snapping at her for bringing up her dead parents, however veiled.
"What's in Mayfair? Not a book fair, I'm assuming."
All she had gathered was that she was taking her to some sort of...pub? Perhaps a restaurant? She knew there would be food and drink and dancing- though, of course, she would be partaking in only one of those.
She had sometimes had drinks at the very few parties that Susan had taken her to, though- mostly so she could avoid eye-contact and conversation- so she felt that she might have a sip of something at wherever Mina took her.

"It's my birthday celebration, Sanya, not yours."
With that, she refused to say anything more about the mysterious food-and-dance-having location they were off to.

And when they finally reached the location about forty minutes later- after a very giggly car ride, where the driver had to keep clearing his throat so that the sounds of the two girls didn't drown out the noises of the roads- it still remained as mysterious, because Sanya had absolutely no idea what the Astor Club was.
Hence, yet again, she was forced to inquire after where the hell she had been brought to.

Mina was a very unhelpful answerer, because she only said, "It's one of the few places here that are thriving despite the rocket bombings that keep happening."

"I'm sorry, what bombings?"

She laughed, and adjusted her fur coat, "Did the months in boring not-so-old America rid you of the zeal to keep up with the world, Sanya Rainsford?"

"I was preoccupied." With heartbreak, dances, and fucking her husband's sister. Oh, and burgers. "Will you please tell me what this place is?"
Knowing it had been bombed wasn't really much to go off!

"It's a club."

Sanya stared at her, and then up at the CLUB on the front that seemed to almost glow as the sign reflected the lights of the street-lamps. The road was almost deserted- it wasn't that late, but if what Mina said about the bombings was true, that made sense.
"Really." She said sarcastically. "You don't say."

Annoying Sanya was starting to lose its appeal, if she was being honest.
So, Mina took her head and started to gently drag her towards the entrance, "Look, it's a nightclub, and it's frightfully posh- but posh in a very naughty kind of way, it's all rich people letting loose and having a fun night. There's music and dancing and drinks, but don't drink anything anyone else gives you-"

Despite her earlier thought, she reminded her, "I don't drink at all."
It seemed to be a better response than pulling her arm away and running away screaming.
Then she asked, "What's the difference between a club and a nightclub?"

The blonde pondered that.
"Darker, and lots more debauchery."

"Sounds terrible. Can we go back home?" Sanya asked plaintively. "It's almost seven, I'm usually snug in bed by now."

"Liar, you burn the midnight oil more than anyone I've ever known!" Mina had not worn her new heels today just for her friend to get cold feet and stumble back to her comfortable, lethargic life. "One night of dancing won't kill you!"

"I would prefer if it did!" She retorted- because, to her, death was leaps and bounds preferable to 'debauchery'. "Mina, please-"

"No, Sanya, please-"

"I'm not even dressed right-" She'd just worn one of the shorter dresses she had, and a coat! It wasn't 'posh' in the least.
Mina could not possibly disagree with her- Sanya's blue-and-green dress was made of patterned tartan, which made it look and feel like pyjamas, something that she quite liked, but which the blonde had complained about and insulted for five solid minutes.

"Doesn't matter, you're with me," Mina said immediately, tugging the ends of her satin scarlet dress, just visible underneath her coat, "I'm dressed rich enough for both of us!"

"Mina-"

"Look, it'll be fun, darling, and you won't have to talk to anyone!" She promised- which was moot, frankly, because Sanya wouldn't talk with anyone, even if she had to. "Just dance and try to not get lost."

Sanya wanted to keep arguing- and she knew if she wanted to, she could easily drag the girl back to the car and then away from here, for she was physically much stronger.

But it was her birthday celebration. It was for her seventeenth.
Sanya's seventeenth had been special, too.

And Mina had promised her that she would forget about Edmund, for a few moments. She'd forget that they were no longer together, she'd forget that they hadn't spent their thirteenth anniversary that had been two days ago with each other, she'd forget that he held hands with someone else now, that someone else kissed his freckles now.
She'd forget that she missed him.

"Fine." She said grudgingly, and Mina squealed.

For a second, as she took off her coat and Mina handed it and her own coat to the coat-check, she thought the place would be cosy and small, like the pub she had thought they would be going to.
Then she actually walked in, and she saw a place almost as large as a ballroom.

The inside of the club was far more crowded than she had anticipated- more than either of them had, if the heiress's face was anything to go by- and it was so loud.
The music was live, and not from radios or record players- but the performers were playing so loudly, and half the crowd was laughing and shouting along with it, in addition to dancing to the music, it made the volume seem even higher.

The lights weren't all orange, like the others in this world were- they were a dim white, shrouding a large part of the lounge in near-darkness, with only the bar and the stage being bathed in golden light.

"Why, hello." A woman wearing a very tight frock came up to the pair, twisting out of the crowd of writhing bodies, with a tray with drinks on it in her hand. "I'm a hostess here, welcome."

Sanya stared at her, and she was sure she was smiling. She hoped so, at least- because if she wasn't smiling, she would look constipated, and she did not want such a pretty woman to look at that expression of hers-

"We're not interested." Mina said firmly, and snatched her friend away to one of the darker parts of the floor. "Don't talk to any of those women, Sanya-"

"I know, don't accept any drinks-"

"No, they're prostitutes! They're just called hostesses." She rolled her eyes. "I'm all for enjoying one's sexuality, but we're both underage-"

She had to speak loudly- even her naturally loud voice kept being drowned out under the music.
"Age of consent is sixteen!"

Mina looked at her, her brows creasing, "Wait, do you want to hire a prostitute?"

Sanya immediately shook her head. The woman had been stunning, sure, but she had never been in the business of hiring whores, unlike many members of both nobility and royalty she had known or read about. Many.
"No, but I'm just letting you know."

"Alright." The blonde looked at her a little suspiciously. "If you do want one- there's men and women both, and let me know- I'll get drunk enough that I might want to watch-"

Sanya couldn't help but laugh, the atmosphere already getting to her.
"I thought you don't generally drink, either."

"I don't, but it's not like I turn the seventeen-plus-one-week everyday." She reminded her and then held her hand out. "Get a drink, and then dance?"

Sanya's heartbeat pulsed, in time with the music. Everything already felt dizzying, and she didn't know how to feel about that.

But she knew it felt better than the heartbreak.
Better than the grief.
She could lose herself. Which was good- she hated herself, after all.

"Not sure about the dancing." She said, before accepting her friend's hand. "But I'll go for the drink."

-
-✧･: °*✧*°:･✧-
-

(What a throwback.)
-

(The song is 'Yeh Fitoor Mera', it's a Hindi song and translates loosely to 'This Obsession/Passion Of Mine' {no negative connotations for the obsession part}, and it's really quite lovely. You can look up the translated lyrics :)
It doesn't really fit the chapter- wait, it just might? It is Edmanya's passionate love and passionate temperaments that is destroying them, after all.)

-

Even in her torturous heartbreak, Sanya is such an ally. We love it. Keeping the gay relationship safe and simultaneously trying to keep Edmund happy?
My baby 🥺

Okay, okay, okay, before we get into the rest- yes, I SPECIFICALLY chose the 3rd of December for the scene where she sees Edmund with Oscar, because Sanya is very much feeling like the narrator in Conan Gray's 'Heather'. It wasn't there in the first version of the chapter, but on the actual December 3rd, I was listening to the song and I realised that the timeline fit, so a little editing and BAM!
Sanya wishes she were Heather (Oscar).

The fact that they have the Big blow-up on the exact date that they met (something which kinda changed their lives) and that they are currently in a MUCH worse place than they were when they were complete strangers- ouch.

It had to happen. They had to have that talk- well, fight. They needed to let it out- more than once, and there might be more blowups in the future, but that's just because there is so much history and so much love and so much pain.

And, yes, Sanya HAS acted that finding and being Edmund is the be-all-end-all, that it would help in healing her, somewhat.
But it doesn't, and it won't, and Edmund HAS to say that to her, though he wishes it WOULD heal her.

And look, I do like to justify most things that Sanya does- and Edmund, too, tbh- but I cannot justify her saying that he wasn't a real father. That is just cruel and an utterly awful thing to say. Yes, she is angry and in such despair and yes, she bore the burden of raising three children on her own while ruling two countries- but it wasn't like he just went away to get milk and purposely never came back. He loved their children so much and he tried his best and he tried to help in whatever they needed- it wasn't his fault he was carried back to his world by an accidental chancing-upon of the wardrobe.
I'm not making jokes, not making fun, or being sarcastic, nothing- just saying that it was just a completely shitty thing to say.

As was spitefully asking Peter which one of his loves he loves most. Probably a question we have all thought, but very wrong, still. She better make up for it.

Also, Edmund should not have told him about what Sanya'd told him about Narnia. He only told him about Narnia and the abandoning of the Heirs- and I understand it concerns their home and that he needed someone to talk to- but seriously. Just, no. He absolutely should NOT have done that.

The fact that Sanya finally pointed out that he mourned her for a year, while having the support system of his family, whereas she mourned him for a decade, having the burden of ruling two countries- entirely fair and justified. Grief should not be compared, but the disparity there is INSANE.

And Edmund's guilt at having left them, by accident- it does choke him. It chokes him always. But it's as Sanya says it that the choking feels fatal.

The fact that they had their fight in a bakery is funny. They could have sat down and gorged themselves on cakes and cookies, but instead they just screamed at each other and emotionally clawed at each other's hearts.
Edmund definitely bought some sweeties after he told Sanya to leave, though.

Also, I have no problems with Sanya attacking Oscar in the second scene. At least she didn't actually hurt him.
You go, girl.

It's unfortunate that he and Ed could not have their planned date because of homophobia. He's got such little time here in Finchley...

Edmund crying 😭 Sanya wiping his tears 😭😭 both of then apologising for some of the things they've done 😭😭😭 this chapter is just emotionally wrecking.
Sanya bringing up the giants thing and Edmund gasping was funny, though.

So Mina DOES show up, I couldn't remember. Her convo with her mother is just- relatable.
And I AM glad she takes Sanya out to party, though I hate any sort of leaving-my-room thing.
Only because she assures her that there will be no socialisation, and the High Queen of Rihaaya DOES need a respite.
Ngl, these two have a bit of a subtle gay vibe going on, but nothing is going to happen.

Honestly, I could go on dissecting and giving commentary on this chapter for AGES, but my rambling has made this chapter hit 10.2K words so I will shut up now.

Lastly- the big thing in Chapter 30 of 'Alliance' (first book) was Edmund telling Sanya 'I love you'. And here, three books later, he tells her to go away from him and never return.
That is the opposite of ship development, I think.

And, as always- I humbly and unashamedly ask you to vote on the chapters, and perhaps comment, too :)