And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.
And feelings, once as strong as passions,
Float softly back- a faded dream;
-

"Sanya?"

"Bonnie."

"Are you awake?"

Sanya had her eyes closed, but mentally rolled her eyes. It wasn't as gratifying, but she did not want to open her eyes again. There were lovely little galaxies being spun in the darkness of her closed eyes, and she was so near to falling asleep...to dreaming...
"No."

"Sanya." Bonnie threw Leo at her face. Still, the younger girl kept her eyes stubbornly closed. "You're awake enough to talk."

"Unless the talking is about you and Susan kissing on your walk- no."
In hindsight, before asking that, she should have found out what Bonnie's thoughts on the matter of- of- Heavens, what was the word!? Home-something?
Homosexual. Homosexuality. Yes. She was so sleepy.

"We didn't kiss." She said, and Sanya could hear the blush in her voice. "I- I mean- we're both girls! Of course we didn't kiss- how could we- it's not poss-"

"I've kissed girls. I've kissed boys."
Technically, they were women and men, since that had been when she'd been in her thirties.
And even if she hadn't, she would have still found multiple genders attractive.
"I've kissed folks who don't wish to be known as either- or wish to be known as both. And I enjoy it all. I assure you, it's very possible."
Yet again, before saying that, she should have thought it through.
But she really was very sleepy.

Bonnie's next words were out of pure shock, "You're sixteen years old."

Here, Sanya finally opened her eyes, the galaxies disappearing, turning her head to look at Bonnie's gaping face.
"That's the part you have a problem with?" Yes, fair enough, she was sixteen and had been in a very committed relationship with Edmund since she was thirteen, as far as this world knew- but that wasn't what would be most apparent to a bigot. "Not the fact that I, a girl, have kissed people who are not boys?"

"No." Bonnie said, and she was blushing again. But she kept her gaze steadfast as she looked at Sanya on the other side of the bed, who had her eyebrows raised very high at her. "I don't care about that. People should be with- and be- and kiss whomever they like. The world has far bigger issues than friends of Dorothy."

She felt suddenly relieved. She'd not realised the little knot of anxiety that had been in her heart, about if Bonnie did not accept that part of her. The knot wasn't there anymore, loosened and erased by her words, and she wanted to sigh in so much relief.
"You know, I've heard that phrase before, and I still don't know what it means."

"It's- supposed to be covert code for homosexual folk." But Sanya wasn't exactly that, if she had liked kissing boys, too... "Or- well, anyone who isn't strictly heterosexual."

"How is it covert if everyone knows it?"

"Because the homosexuals and the people who support them use it. The ones who don't support- they use-" Bonnie shut her eyes for a moment, sighing, "other words."

"Yes." Sanya said flatly, remembering the boys she had beaten up and what they'd called Edmund. "Yes, I know."

"Does Edmund know?" She asked suddenly, her brows creasing. "About- about your preferences?"

"Oh, yes. He does. He knows-" everything, she had been about to say. But he didn't. "He knows me."
And he understood- especially given his own lack of preference.
But she didn't say that either, because it wasn't her place to say.
"We weren't together when I kissed those other people." She added, in case Bonnie was thinking she had cheated on him. "I promise, I've always been a loyal wi- girlfriend."

"That's a relief." She smiled a little. "The only cheating I condone is during exams."

"Seconded." Sanya nodded seriously. "That's not what you woke me up for, is it?"

"You were already awake-"

"Lies."

"You literally said 'Bonnie' when I called your name-"

"I don't remember that."

"You're incorrigible." Bonnie informed her, but nodded. "But yes, you're right. That's not what I wanted to talk about."

"Can we talk about it in the afternoon?" With that overwhelming relief, there had come the sleepiness again. She was relieved about that, too- she had slept badly for most of her life, but it had become even worse since- since- since the break-up. "If that's okay-"

"I need to say this before I lose my nerve." She said, before sitting up suddenly. "Can you sit up, too?"

Sanya contemplated throwing the little lion plushie back at her face- but her friend's expression made her stop. She looked sick and nervous and- and were those tears?
So, she sat up, throwing off the blanket that she'd kept till her throat, and then grabbing Milkshake and holding him on her lap.
"I'm all ears."

Bonnie nodded, her gaze fixed on the blanket the girls had been sharing.
After a few seconds, she asked, "Have you heard of Lili Elbe?"

"Um-" Sanya frowned- she had read a lot of real-world incidents and people since coming to this world, but she couldn't recall a Lili Elbe, "no, I don't think so. Who is that?"

"Sh-she was a Danish painter. I have her autobiography- you can borrow it if you're ever there- I mean, in my house- also, I think it's somewhat between an autobiography and a novel, but it's-"

"Bonnie." She reached her hand out to her shoulder. "You're rambling. Calm yourself first."

"I won't be calm until I finish saying what I have to." Bonnie felt positively sick, if she was being honest, and she was very afraid of sullying her friend's pretty bed with vomit. "When Lili Elbe was born, she was pronounced a boy."

"What? Why?" That seemed a very unusual mistake, Sanya thought. "Was the doctor short-sighted?"

"No. The reason for that pronouncement was because- because Lili had the organs of a boy."

"Oh." That didn't really clear anything up for her. "But she wasn't a boy, despite that?"

Bonnie shook her head, "No. She lived as a boy for a long time- but she was a girl in- in every other way. After she got married- when she was still living as a boy- she stopped wearing men's clothes, and- and when she and her wife would travel, she'd pose as her sister-in-law, because she was a woman, even though the world saw her as a man."
She took a deep breath.
"In 1930, Lili went for sex reassignment surgery- it's a very technical term, I know, sorry-"

"No, no, it's okay." Sanya said quickly. She was still confused, truthfully speaking- not so much about what was being spoken, as she was about why it was being spoken- but whatever soothed Bonnie, she'd say. "Go on."

"Because- because she wanted her body to look like how she felt- like a woman. I won't bore you with the details of the surgery- mainly because I don't understand well either-" Bonnie added, with a very weak laugh, "but most of the operations worked. She even had her name and sex changed- she was legally a woman."

"What happened to Lili?"

"She died- from complications of the fourth part of the surgery. Just the next year."

"That's so sad." Just as she was living how she wanted to, how she felt- a tragedy, indeed. Sanya resolved to read as much as she could about her. "But- Bonnie, why are you telling me this? Was Lili a relative, or-"

"No. No, I never knew her." She shook her head- she wished she had, though. "But I'm like her."
Another deep, deep breath. The moment of truth, as was said in novels- oh, she was definitely going to vomit.
"When I was born, the doctor said I was a boy, too. My birth name is- is- is Benjamin Finlay Berkeley, and I was Benjy to the outside world till I was twelve."

Sanya wanted to say something- hug her, perhaps, even if she knew the hug would be awkward- but she was rather sure that Bonnie wasn't done.

"But I always knew I was a girl. My mum told me that when I was three, I asked her when I could be a girl, and I never stopped asking it. I think my parents thought it was just- a childish whim, and I think my dad thought I was a dandy-" she snorted at herself, "but by the time I was eight, they realised it was who I was. I was a girl, in the body of a boy. And they knew how wrong that was-"

Should she hug her now? Bonnie hadn't looked up from the bedspread in minutes.

"They wanted me to feel at home in my body- and so, when I was ten, they found one of the doctors who had been part of Lili Elbe's medical- I don't know how to say it, her medical team? Most of the doctors were in Germany, or in France, but one had moved to England that very year." She couldn't help another little smile. "He's practically an uncle to me- he was so sweet. He gave me medicines- injections that would make sure I never go through the adolescence of a boy, and other injections to give me the features of a woman. I take those medicines even now. That's why I look like a proper girl- and why I have tits- though they're small, I know."

"All tits are great." Sanya averred- hopefully that was not the wrong thing to say? It was what she thought, though. "Regardless of size."

"I agree, but of course you'd say that," Bonnie looked at Sanya, finally, "yours are pretty large!"

"Take them! And the backache, too-" near-constant, the pain coursing through her back was- as much as she liked her breasts, she hated that ache, "give me your small ones any day-"

"Shush, you're distracting me." She swatted at her knee. "Anyway, that's the doctor I go to see nearly every week. I don't have any lung condition- or anything like that. I just have- boy parts, still, which hopefully I will get cut off as soon as I have the courage to. I don't need a womb, or anything-" partly because she didn't want to bear children, and partly because that was the complication Lili Elbe had died from, and Bonnie did not want to die, "but I would like to be as much of a woman as I can."

"Of course you do. Because you are a woman, and to hell with whoever says you're not." Sanya replied immediately, taking her hand in hers.
If she was the crying sort of person, she would definitely have been crying. They both would have been, honestly.
"I'm- I'm really honoured you chose to tell me this, Bon. I can't imagine how- how nervous- well, actually, I understand nerves very well, so I can imagine that-"

"Now who's rambling?"

"Oh, shut up." She rolled her eyes. "Does anyone else know?"

"Headmistress Graybow does- she was actually really understanding." She had spent almost five years at home after leaving her old boy's school- but she'd wanted to go to school again, mostly because she'd been sick and tired of sitting at home. Her name and sex had been legally changed when she was thirteen- very quietly and surreptitiously- but somehow, no school had accepted her. But Headmistress Graybow had, and she'd welcomed her to St. Finbar's warmly. "That's all. My family, my doctor, and you."

"It must be a really hard thing to keep secret."

"Yes. But I've always had support- and that's kept me alive."
She wasn't exaggerating- if her parents had not accepted her, if they'd forced her to stay Benjamin- she would probably have killed herself.

"I get that. Having someone- it's the only thing keeping you from killing yourself. That love you have for that person- and the love that person has for you- it's your tether to being alive."
Tether- or an anchor.

"Exactly." Bonnie nodded solemnly. "Also, since I am baring my deepest secrets- I like girls. I'm undecided about how I feel about boys-" though, it was a common enough happenstance that she'd see some boy in the street, and think of how handsome he was, "but I know for sure that I like girls. A lot." As though her life wasn't difficult enough- but she didn't mind liking girls. She very much enjoyed liking girls. "That's the only thing that hasn't changed from when I appeared to be a boy. Well, that, and my second and last name."

"I understand that. Girls are wonderful." She hadn't kissed a girl in too long- and the last girl she had kissed- well, she would have preferred to kill her. "And is the next truth that you have a crush on Susan?"

"What? No!" Bonnie shrieked, blushing again. "I don't- I don't. I don't see her like that."

Sanya looked at her disbelievingly.
How could anyone who was attracted to girls not be attracted to Susan? She was beautiful.

"What? I don't!"
Just because she had liked to look at her from across the classroom, and just because Bonnie felt that Susan had made history tutoring fun- it didn't mean anything.

"Sure." She said, her tone as disbelieving as her expression. "Regardless. Thank you for telling me this."
Sanya would tell her, too, someday- of the world she came from. About who she had been. About everything.
"Sleep now?"

"Yes, please." Bonnie hadn't let herself admit it, but she was very sleepy, too. The journey from Manchester, and then the walk with Susan had absolutely exhausted her- she and Susan had walked so far, and neither of them had even realised until they had noticed how dark the sky had become. "Good night, Nya."

Sanya lay down as she did, nestled under the fluffy blanket, Milkshake between them. Bonnie hadn't let go of her hand, and she smiled to herself.
"Good night, Bon."
--

"Why do you keep throwing things at me?"

"I'm not." Susan replied innocently, her expression echoed by Peter and Lucy. "We're throwing them into the suitcase."

"Yes." Edmund accepted- he was sitting on the floor, next to the suitcases his sister was to carry. What she said wasn't, technically, a lie. "But the things keep hitting me."

"What a pity." Peter said, tossing a hairbrush at the suitcase- it missed, hitting his brother's thigh instead. "Life is unfortunate."

"We just have really bad aim." Lucy said, sounding apologetic- which she was. She didn't want to hurt Ed- of the three, she'd thrown the fewest things- but she was angry with him, like they all were. "You could move-"

"No." Susan cut her off. "There's no space on the bed."

"There are two beds." Edmund informed her, nodding to Lucy's unoccupied bed. "I can sit on-"

"No, Lu's sheets are dirty."

"Why?"

"She tracked mud on it."

"How?"

"From the walk Sanya and I went on yesterday." Try as she might, Lucy couldn't not sound a little waspish. "It had just rained, and the ground was rather muddy."

"Right." Edmund knew full well the reason his siblings were being such twats. "You lot know that I didn't break up with Sanya, right? It's just a break, and definitely not for ever."
At least, he really hoped it wasn't for ever. He couldn't be sure. He remembered how hurt and angry Sanya had been when she'd demanded he leave, and he knew how stubborn she could be.
But he didn't want to live without her. He loved her so much, and- this pain he felt, the heartache of being away from her, it was second only to when he'd thought she was dead.

"She certainly thinks it's a breakup." Susan informed him. "That's what she told me."

"And me."

"And me." Peter added, after his sisters had. "I took her some candies the other day. She told me she hated candies, almost as much as she hated that you had broken up with her."

"Then she's mistaken."
He should go over to the Rainsford house and straighten it out with Sanya-
But she'd just refuse to see him, which would make him angry, and she would be angry, too, in addition to being an idiot. He'd told her explicitly that it wasn't a breakup, that it was temporary- how could she think the exact opposite?

Perhaps she wanted, deep down, for it to be a real breakup. Maybe she'd just faced reality- she had understood that they were finished- and he hadn't.
He hoped not.
But if it was- it was what he deserved, wasn't it? He couldn't do anything good in this world. So why should he have anything good?

"Whatever. Just stop hitting me with things, alright?"

"We'll try, but like Lucy said-" Susan's lips turned up in a smirk, "we have bad aim."

"Says the greatest archer of the Golden Age." Her younger brother shot back. "At least try to come up with plausible excuses, Su. That was beneath you."

It seemed anger ran in the family, Peter thought. First him, then Sanya- even if she wasn't related by blood, she was as much a Pevensie as any of them- and now Edmund. It was practically an epidemic.
"Are you almost done with packing, Ed, Lu?" He asked, remembering that his mum had told him to make sure everyone was ready by the time she came back from the market. They were all supposed to leave the next day- Edmund and Lucy on a train to Cambridge, he on another train to Professor Kirke's, and Susan and their parents to the docks, where they'd board the ship to America.

Lucy nodded, "I finished it after breakfast." She had done it when everyone was busy with washing up and bathing and the rest, because she didn't want anyone to notice that she'd packed her old stuffed toy in. Only Sanya would understand that. "I think Ed's done, too- he hardly packed anything."

"I just need clothes and a toothbrush." He shrugged. He'd wanted to carry some novels as well, and a chess manual he liked to idly peruse- but he didn't want to risk them being confiscated by his aunt or uncle. And he did not want Eustace, his dreaded cousin, to get his hands on his things. "I don't see the point in overstuffing it with knickknacks and- golly, Susan-" he reached into her suitcase, and brought out something that was wrapped in paper, "is that the swan figurine that was there on the mantel?"

"I really like it." She defended herself, gesturing for him to put it back in. "I don't want to go months without seeing it."
Then her lips turned down and she sniffled, much to the alarm of the other three.
"I don't want to go months without seeing you, either. I'll miss all your birthdays-"

"At least we didn't miss yours." Peter said, trying hard to keep the atmosphere light. He doubted his mum would be very pleased if she came back to see them all weeping and sobbing on the floor. "We had a fun time, didn't we? Not as fun as in-"

"Yes, we did." Susan said, cutting him off quickly. "Lucy's gift was my favourite- it was such a lovely photograph, Lu."

Well, she was too short on money to give any other gifts, so Lucy was quite pleased her sister had liked it- and that she hadn't minded that she had given Sanya the same present.
"Happens when I have such a lovely subject." She smiled at her sister, who smiled as well.
Her smile started to fade, as she remembered what Sanya had carelessly told her on the walk- that her grandmother kept calling Susan the pretty one.
Which meant that Lucy was not pretty.
She knew one's worth was not defined by their beauty- and she had known it in Narnia, too.
But it had been easier to believe that there and then, somehow- when she was endlessly fawned over and complimented, with so many princes wanting to be hers. She'd never been interested in romance that wasn't on the page- and the only princes she cared about were those she duelled with- but it had been nice to be wanted.
Edmund was in love- Susan and Peter had been in love- and sometimes Lucy wished she could feel that, too.
It was surely the most tremendous feeling.
"It would've looked better if we were in the gardens at-"

"I think I'm done." Her sister said suddenly, throwing one last pair of socks into one of the suitcases. "Yes- that's the last of it."

"Finally." Peter said, giving up on sitting up and falling back on the bed. "You take too long to pack, Susan."

"Forgive me for being careful."

"You're persnickety, actually, which is far from a virtue-"

"Can we not bicker?" Lucy asked plaintively, interrupting her big brother's retort. "We aren't going to see each other for months- let's not fight."

"I'll write to you all the time, Lu." Susan said, shifting closer to her sister and putting an arm around her. "With so many details, you'll be sickened before five letters."

"And I'll phone you." Peter promised, putting his arm around Lucy's other side. "I'm almost certain that the Professor has a telephone in his new place- he said that whether he had money or not, he had to give the Macready more people to yell at."
He looked at his brother then, who was sitting on the floor, quiet and grave. He'd always been too quiet and grave.
"You best pick up the phone, too, Ed. I want to know if I can guess exactly when you're rolling your eyes, even in another city."

Edmund knew it was predicable, but he could not help an eye-roll.
"'Course I will, Pete. I can't live without making fun of you."

"I never thought I'd be so grateful for telephones." Lucy said, smiling. "Being apart here will be easier than it was in-"

"I hear Mum!" Susan said, interrupting her.
Lucy looked annoyed, and she felt instantly awful. But she just didn't want to hear about that world- about her home that she would never go to again. It was one thing to write it down- which she did, sometimes, just to stare at the word- but she didn't think she could bear to hear or say it.
This was where she was- she didn't need to be reminded of that place. All it did was make her sad, make her bitter.
"Sorry- but I do."

The siblings were quiet as they listened for the sound of footsteps-

"The footsteps are heavier than Mum's." Edmund said, brows furrowed. He was still listening to the tread of the steps downstairs- it seemed to be going towards the kitchen. "It's Dad."

Peter was amazed, "How in the world-"

"Elementary, my de-"
But Sherlock would be nothing without his Watson, my dear Watson.
How would Sherlock have coped if he'd taken a break from- or, broken up with Dr. Watson?
Probably with a lot of cocaine and mournful violin playing- but Edmund had no inclination to take part in drugs, and he could only play the piano- and that, too, only a little.
He shrugged instead, "It's easy to differentiate footsteps. I know all of yours, too-"

"I can tell between the four of us-" Lucy said- after years of being together, it made sense- before shaking her head, "but not Mum and Dad."

"Children!" George called from downstairs. "Are you home?"

"Told you." Edmund grinned.
It felt foreign to grin, but he kept it plastered on his face. It felt foreign to do anything that wasn't grumble and snap at others. It had been just over two weeks since that day- but it felt like an eon of heartache already. And it'd be so much longer, now that she was going to America- a whole other continent.
He'd have to ask Lucy if she had any photographs of her- he knew that would be endlessly pathetic, but it was better than nothing.

He got to his feet- oh, he was sore, he'd been sitting on the floor for hours. Peter had been entirely right in calling Susan persnickety.
"Come on, let's go down, it's almost tea-time and I'm starving."
And he walked out, still with that satisfied grin on his face.

"I'm not going to miss that smug look." Peter announced, after he was sufficiently sure that his brother was out of earshot. "It's very annoying-"

"You have the same look, and you're even more annoying." Susan told him, before following after her little brother.

"Susan has that look, too." Lucy said comfortingly. Who knew when the next time to reassure her brother would come? "It's a shared trait."
She didn't have it, but she chose to not point that out. That wouldn't be much a reassuring thing to say- and it would sound smug, which would've ruined the fact.

Peter smiled, slipping his arm through hers- he'd miss her so very much- and they went out as well.

--

"You overslept!"

"No, I didn't!" Sanya sniped at her 'grandmother', as she lugged the stupid suitcase down the stairs. "I've been awake for hours- I just didn't want to-"
The suitcase slid out of her grasp, and went tumbling down the stairs, before crashing down on the floor.
"For fuck's sake." She muttered to herself, quickly climbing down the stairs herself- not too quickly, because she didn't want to fall and break a limb again.

"It's alright." Her grandmother said, inspecting the suitcase keenly. "Nothing broke or fell out- I tell you, these cases are sturdier than tree-bark-"

"Grandmother, I don't care." Sanya said, grabbing her suitcase and going over to her grandmother. "Goodbye, Grandmother-"

"You haven't eaten-"

"I'm going to be late-" they were supposed to be at the dock by eleven, and the dock was half an hour away by car, and it was sixteen minutes to eleven, "I'll eat on the way-"

As if on cue, Sarah appeared, a bag in her hands.
"Here you go, Miss Sanya."

"Thank you." Ella and Sarah had opted to call her Miss Sanya- which wasn't too bad, she supposed. It was better than ma'am. "And, um-"

Sarah smiled knowingly, "The juice boxes are inside."

"Juice boxes?" Maude asked, affronted. She was entirely unaware of this packed food plan. "Are you eight years old?"

"No," unfortunately, "but I get thirsty."

"Then drink water-"

"Oh, there's a water bottle as well, ma'am." Sarah hastened to say. "I've not forgotten a thing."

"Thank you very much, Sarah." Sanya said again- smiling this time. She didn't have anything to smile about, but people like seeing smiles, right? "I'll miss your food."

"I'll miss feeding someone with an actual appetite, Miss." Her eyes twinkled, and she smiled as well.

As the cook walked away, the girl turned to the old lady, "Now, Grandmother- goodbye."

"Oh, child." Maude said disapprovingly. "It is said that the English don't show emotion, but somehow you've got us all beat! Come here and give your old grandmother a hug."

She could've run away, but she felt bad.
And it would've been very difficult to run away with such a heavy suitcase.
A hug wasn't out of the question- it made sense.
To Maude, she was family- and to her- well. Maude had given her a place to live in, she'd taken her in- even if it was unknowingly- she fed her, she let her have a comfortable life, and she was the reason she did not have to stay in a forest like a wild animal again.
Even if she didn't consider her family- she was grateful to her, endlessly so.
"Of course, Grandmother." She said, letting go of the suitcase and walking over to the old lady.
It was a quick, awkward embrace- but it felt warm all the same. Sanya didn't remember her actual grandmother well- but she was sure that there had been the same warmth when she had hugged her, too.

"Enjoy yourself, Sanya." Maude said as she stepped away, patting her granddaughter clumsily. "Don't let the grief that that boy caused you stop you from living."

Grief. It wasn't just Edmund who'd caused her to feel that.
"I'll try." Sanya replied- it wasn't a lie. She would try to have a life.
Even though all she wanted was for Edmund to come back to her and to fall into his arms, and never leave.
Even now- all she wanted was Edmund.
"I'll see you soon, Grandmother."

"Not too soon, I hope." Maude said, smirking slightly. "But then, if anyone does manage to get thrown out of America, it would be you, little miscreant."

She grinned. She had never really been a troublemaker, but it always made her feel pleased when someone said in this world that she was one.
"I'll try my best to keep my misdemeanours away from grounds for deportation."

Soon, she was pulling her suitcase out of the house and to the car waiting outside- she was rather sure the Pevensies were halfway to the dock already- and she was surprised to see Lucy waiting outside.
And disappointed, though she would never admit that out loud.
She really had hoped that Edmund would come to say goodbye.
"Lucy!"

"Sanya- oh, good, I hoped you were late!"

"Uh- thanks?" Sanya didn't know why someone would hope for that. "Have your parents and Susan left already?"

"Yes, just five minutes ago. Between the two of us-" Lucy leaned in close to Sanya, "there hasn't been a single holiday that we've gone on that hasn't started with us being late."

"Comes with being a big family travelling together, I suppose." She giggled. "What're you here for, Lu?"

"I had to say goodbye-"

"Oh, Lu, we did that yesterday-"

"Yes, but Peter was there then." Her brother had been surprisingly emotional, as he'd hugged their sister-in-law goodbye. None of them cared a bit that Edmund had broken up with Sanya- she was their sister by law, no matter what. "I love him, but I wanted to tell you goodbye on my own."

"Aw, Lucy." Sanya smiled- how had she dared to feel disappointed it wasn't Edmund here? It was Lucy, her friend, and she would never hurt her, unlike him. "I'll call you from there. If calling is possible from another continent- wait, it is, right, I promised Bonnie and Mina-"

Lucy laughed, and leaned up to wrap her arms around Sanya in a hug.
"I'll miss you." She whispered into the older girl's shoulder. She'd been the first of the family to try to make friends with Sanya, way back when- and she was so grateful she had. "You're my family, you know that?"

"And you're mine." Sanya replied, breathing into her sweet-smelling hair. Pulling away, she spoke, "I'm sorry we haven't talked much since- since I came back, really."

"It's alright, truly." Lucy assured her. "The walk that day was fun, even though it was cut short by you realising that it was going to rain again- but, I mean, friendship isn't based on how often you talk to the person, is it?"

"Excluding you, I didn't have a single friend in my last life, and in this one, I only have two friends," maybe four, "so I don't think I'm the right person to ask that."

Then Lucy frowned, "But what about Ikhlas?"

"What?" Sanya blinked. Of course she was surprised- she had thought of her sometimes, but she hadn't heard the name in years! Centuries, in fact. "How do you- what do you- you remember? I told you about her a thousand years ago."
She couldn't even remember when she'd told her- probably during Countess Cassia's visit at Cair? She didn't know, but it was probably then.

"It was only a few years ago for me. It was when I accidentally told you that Mr. Tumnus was getting married-"
How she missed her dear friend. When Sanya had told her that he'd named her daughter after her- and Susan- back in Narnia the day after she had come back- she'd cried then and there.

Lysunna, Sanya had told her, a small smile on her injured face. She was called Lys for short. You'd have loved her, Lu- and you would've been her favourite aunt, too.

She wished she could see Tumnus again- if only to be able to thank him for that great honour.

"And you told me you'd had feelings for a girl once. You told me about her after I came back from Mr. Tumnus's home."

"Oh, yes." Now she remembered- it had been after Cassia's visit, her memory really was the worst. "Ikhlas- haan, you were the second person I told about her."
After Edmund.
"I only saw her a few times after her friend's funeral. The next time I heard about her was a few weeks before her wedding. I think I was seventeen-" it had not been long after the quest for Jem, "and she had just turned eighteen." It had been an arranged marriage, too- but, as far as she'd heard, she'd never fallen in love with her husband. "I saw her at some events after that, but we never spoke again. But I think she was still living in Rihaaya," in Kolindi, was it?, "when I- when I went to Neráida."

Lucy asked quietly, "Were you in love with her?"

Sanya had pondered that question often.
She shook her head, "I don't think so. I might have fallen in love, if we'd stayed in contact, but since we didn't- well, your brother's the only one I've ever been in love with."

"You're the only person my brother's been in love with, too." Lucy said seriously. "And I think that'll be true no matter what."

"I think that stopped being true-"

"Sanya Rainsford, you have still not left!" Maude shrieked, opening the front door to see her granddaughter chatting with someone! "It's nine minutes to eleven, child, be off already!"

"Yes, I really should leave." Sanya said, after a minute of assuring Maude that she would be leaving in just a moment. "But before that- I am endlessly pathetic, so I have to ask- how's Ed?"
She had refrained from asking that the last sixteen days, whenever she had spent time with his siblings or run into them. They had dropped thinly veiled references that Edmund was not doing well- but she'd refused to dwell on them.
Though, because of who she was, all she did was dwell on them.

"He's alright. He was asleep when I left-" that was a lie, but it was better than telling her that Edmund hadn't slept at all- he'd been lying on his bed the entire night, staring at the necklace he'd gifted her and she'd thrown at his face, "he was up really late because Mum made him pack more things than a shirt, one pair of trousers, a belt, one pair of socks, and a toothbrush."

"He'll be staying there for months, and that's all he packed?"

"I think the breakup affected his brain." Lucy joked- but, for all she knew about brain biology, that could be true. "And- these are Peter's words- he said that Ed's even more miserable than usual without you."

"As am I." Sanya admitted. Anyone who had even the littlest bit of sense would have noticed it. "I thought I'd gone through all the sadness and pain of my life- but he proved me wrong."
Still, she loved him. How could she ever not?
"I should go." She said, leaning down for another quick hug. "Bye, Lucy- have a good time in Cambridge!"

This was all yelled as she hurried to the car that had been waiting- and Lucy watched her go with a small smile, her hand raised in farewell.
"Same to you!" She called back, waving wildly as Sanya dived into the backseat and slammed the door shut. "And have a safe trip!"
They'd both have safe trips- she hoped- but good times?
Doubtful.
--

Sanya was very late, but- as Mr. Pevensie said- the ship always left at least forty-five minutes after the scheduled time, so it was no matter.

"That's both stupid and smart at the same time." She had commented, after her former husband's father had enlightened her with this bit of news. "Depends on your punctuality."

And then she had shut up, and not spoken since.

To be fair, she didn't want to and couldn't speak- as usual. She just wanted to look around.

She had been on ships before, but they had been drastically different than the ones in this world. All she could think as she gazed around at the propellers and the metallic railings and at how white the deck was and the throngs of people boarding the ship- was that her father would have been amazed.

This was the first ship- whether docked at a port or sailing somewhere nearby- that she'd been on without him.

Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie weren't much of a comfort- though, to their credit, they had spoken sternly to the ticket-checker when he'd eyed Sanya suspiciously- but Susan was, and it was beside her that she was standing as she looked around.

"There are so many people." Susan murmured- but she wasn't looking down at the crowds down on the docks. She was looking around on the deck, her hand nervously playing with her coat-sleeves. "So many- I hope this won't be another Titanic..."

Sanya had read about that.
"That's the one where the ship sank and hundreds died, right?"

"Yes." She confirmed, before looking at Sanya. She looked nervous, which the 'Indian' had only seen her be once or twice. "I'm usually fine on ships. It's just that the last time I was on one, I was fleeing from- from-"

"You can say his name." She assured her- Rabatrash.
At least with everything that was happening with Edmund, she had hardly thought about him, or Rhiannon, or her children, or being a murderer, or any of the other dark moments of her life. It was the only respite she had.
"You'll be alright soon. You'll watch the waves frothing, and hear them lull- and they'll make you calm."

Susan did not feel like it, but she smiled, "Water's not everyone's element, Sanya."

"Well, it should be." Sanya said flippantly, shrugging. "It's brilliant."

"How are you?"

"Pessimistic about our sleeping conditions-"

"No, I mean about- about the break-up." Susan clarified- though she was certain Sanya was only messing about, for she was as closed-off about her feelings as Edmund was. "I've been wanting to ask- and now that Mum and Dad went off to check our sleeping quarters, I thought-"

A wave of anger swelled around her, and she felt even angrier because that was the wrong wave to think of.
"I'm shit, Susan." She gripped the railing tight, not wanting to look at anyone. "Absolute fucking shit."

She was fairly sure that the woman with curly ginger hair that stood next her gasped at her language, but she was far too angry to force her voice quiet.

"The love of my life voluntarily left me. Voluntarily."
In addition to the involuntarily leaving a thousand years ago, and the resultant shit happening.
"Sweet of you to ask, Su, but my answer will never be anything you'd be happy to hear- so don't ask."

"It's Edmund."

Sanya stared at her, and was struck by the urge to pull her hair. Who exactly had she thought she'd been talking about!?
"Of course it's Edmund, who else-"

"No, Sanya-" Susan took her arm, pointing down to the docks with the other hand, "it's Edmund! He's down there- Ed! Edmund"

But it was too far away and her calls weren't loud enough for Edmund to hear.

Eventually, though, he did end up noticing the two dark-haired girls, both staring right at him- and one of them clenching the railing tight.

He hadn't planned on coming.

He didn't know what he even here for- to beg Sanya's forgiveness, or to clarify the break, or to simply say goodbye- he'd no idea.
He'd even told his parents to not barge into his room in the morning, because he would be sleeping.

The previous night, he had told Susan- requested her, really- to take care of Sanya. To be there for her, since he wouldn't be.

And he had thought that that was it, and he had lain down in bed after the re-packing.

But he hadn't slept a wink.

He'd been in- he knew agony was a very dramatic word, but it was the only one that fit. His heart, his mind, his soul- they had all been in agony, as he'd stared at the moon necklace, thinking only of her.

Sanya was leaving. She was leaving for months. He wouldn't see her for so long- he wouldn't hear her laugh, which sounded a little like a dolphin's when it started- he wouldn't see her bright eyes sparkling at him- or rolling her eyes at someone else- he wouldn't hear her lovely voice, or hold her hand, or anything at all.
She was leaving, and he was the one who'd pushed her into it.

It was one thing to be broken up- even though they were not technically broken up- and still be in the same vicinity, but it was completely different if you were in separate continents!
How had Sanya managed it, all those years? Edmund would've fallen to pieces- or he would've held himself together only because of their children.
Had Sanya held herself together because of them, too? Or had they caused her to break apart?
If he asked her that, she would lie.

But lies or not, she was his wife. She was the love of his life.

And that rhymed, though Edmund had not intended for it to. He really was shit at poetry- but perhaps Seraphina's fondness for poetry had come from him, after all? But it was likely something original and wholly individual.

When he had left the house, calling to Lucy that he'd be back soon- she herself had come from outside only a few minutes ago- he hadn't known where his legs would carry him.
They carried him to the bus station, not too far from the part of Finchley he lived in.
And now- he was here at the docks, gazing up at Sanya. Even from the ground, he could see her violet coat buttoned severely till her throat- the glasses that were dangerously close to falling off- her lips parted as she gazed back at him- but he wished he could see her eyes.
Would they have hatred in them, as she looked at him- as he deserved? Or would there still be love, as there always was?

Her necklace was in his pocket.

All of a sudden, he felt hopeless.
He wouldn't be able to get on the ship, which meant he couldn't talk to her- he was always happy to gaze at Sanya and do nothing else, but in this moment, he needed to do much more than that.

Edmund regretted it.
He'd implemented the break for the right reasons- and he knew he'd done the right thing, in the long run- but he regretted it. As long as he and Sanya were together, nothing else- lies, silences, violence, whatever it was- mattered.

She'd braved so much to get back to him. He couldn't handle a few falsehoods?

He was still looking at her. People kept shoving him, in their haste to get here or there- but his gaze did not waver. There could have been a tsunami, and he didn't think they'd stop staring at each other.

"He won't be able to come up." Susan told her sister-in-law gently. As soon as she'd seen Edmund- Sanya had seemed brittle suddenly. As though he was the only thing that could break her- which was true, and he already had. "He doesn't have a ticket- if you wish to speak-"

"No." Sanya said, though she wished for nothing more. He had come for her- she didn't know what for, perhaps it was just to yell at her, or say goodbye like she'd hoped, or to make a joke about being a figurative anchor whilst there was a literal one hanging off the ship- but he had come. He was right there, and it wouldn't even take her five minutes to throw herself into his arms.

She didn't know when she'd see him again, and he was standing right there, and yet- and yet- and yet she wasn't going to him.

She wanted to sob. How many times could a heart break?

"No, I don't." She was already crying- and she was thankful for her glasses, they hid the tears.
And they helped her see Edmund- there was such a crowd around him, but her eyes were only on him. He was wearing a blue shirt and- she wasn't sure, but she could see suspenders peeking out from under his coat- and his hair was parted to the side, in a way she did not like. Were his beautiful dark eyes full of unshed tears, too?
"We-" her voice was so close to breaking, "we should go in."

"Sanya..."

"He left me, Susan." She whispered, her eyes still locked with his. Did he know that she was crying? Did he know that he'd made her cry so many times? "He was right. We need- we need time apart."
Perhaps permanently.

But she did not voice that- because she did not want that, at all. She never would.

Instead, as hot tears spilled down her cheeks, she shook her head.

Edmund saw the little head-shake, and his heart sank deeper than even the ship's anchor could.
Sanya didn't have to speak for him to know what she meant. He always knew- and she knew that well.

He watched her disappear from the deck of the ship, and he felt part of himself disappear, too.

-
-✧･: °*✧*°:･✧-
-

-

(*Jake Peralta voice*
Cool quote, still parted)
-

I told you things weren't going to get better, and that they would get worse.

Once again- Sanya and Edmund are very, very far apart from each other.

At least he went to the docks- but the damage was done.

It's sad. A thousand years of torment because Sanya was apart from Edmund, and now they've plunged back into it- voluntarily this time.
I know, I know, Sanya didn't want the break-up- but she did stay on the ship instead of going down. A little, little, little part of her knows she needs to stay away from him for a while, even if the majority of her wants only to be close to the love of her life.

Also, Sanya hates his side-parted (aka his 40s hair in VOTDT) hairstyle. I stan that. I hate it, too.

Lucy and Sanya interact again! Literally Sanya's oldest alive friend- actually, that's true for both of them, huh.
Mina and Sanya are very much the bubbly and grumpy trope- and you can say that about Lucy and Sanya, too, but with Lu, her sunshine-ness actually gives Sanya a glow, too. No matter how much of a shadow Edmund cast on her- Lucy will make her light her up.
It's like a distorted eclipse- the sun shielding the moon against the earth, and giving it a little light in the process.

Too bad it's the other sister she goes to America with, tbh. A trip abroad with lovely Lucy would be the best medicine.
Alas.

Saving the best for last, ofc- Bonnie!!

Very proud of her, let me say, first and foremost. For being who she is, and for having the courage to tell people.
Transgender girl, plus questioning and sapphic? Wow.
It's hard enough to come out as queer in today's world, even more so if you're not cisgender- and the fact that Bonnie had the courage to do in the 1940s? It's amazing.
(Yes, I'm aware she's fictional, doesn't stop me from being proud of her.)

That scene was very heartwarming, you know.
I'm glad she found a best friend like Sanya- who will support her, no matter what- and that she got the support from her family that trans kids don't usually get, even today.

And Lili Elbe is a real person, by the way, and I do hope to read her autobiography someday- it's really inspiring and aweing to know the strength of queer people back then, when literally everyone was against anything that wasn't the norm.

If you have transphobic bullshit to spew, please go to J*anne R*wling's twitter page, not here. We love and support trans people in this household.

And, as always- I humbly and unashamedly ask you to vote on the chapters, and perhaps comment, too :)