Lists to the sermon in a softening doze,
And rouses joyous at the welcome close.
-

"Hey, Sanya." Mina said, as she slid into the seat next to the 'Indian' girl. "Want to skip?"

"What?" It was the first class of the day- and it wasn't even nine yet- you could've asked Sanya what her name was, and she'd have been confused. She was so sleepy. "Skip what?"

The blonde rolled her eyes, "School. Isaacs will be late-" the form-mistress for the upper fourth was notorious for her lack of punctuality, "we can leave now, and have a whole day outside."

"Out where?" She asked, her head on the desk. She had thought of sleeping here, but everyone was chatting and moving around, and making noise.
Maybe she should skip- and go back to the dorm and sleep till evening. Sleep- a bed- warm blankets- sleep- a bolster to hold- sleep- sounded so nice.

"I don't know." Mina hadn't had a plan- it was the norm for her. She did first, thought later, and she enjoyed it all. "But we'll find somewhere, definitely. It'll be an adventure."

"Why do you want to spend time with me?" Sanya mumbled into the wood of the desk. The lower-fourth classroom had had more comfortable desks than upper- she'd spent half the classes sleeping. "I'm too lazy for adventures."

"I want to spend time with you because I'm mates with you and because you're the yin to my yang, Rainsford." She said honestly.
From the moment she had seen her, she had known that Sanya was the unobtrusive friend she'd been searching for.
Sanya was quiet, and restrained, and invisible- though still having quite a firecracker personality- while she herself was loud, and bright, and thrilling. The only thing they both had in common was being rich and being impulsive, but Mina didn't care. After years of having friends who were lesser versions of her, it was refreshing to be with someone so drastically different- yet complementary to her personality all the same.
Besides, if she managed to rub off on Sanya a bit- draw her out of her shell- it wouldn't be the worst thing. Mina would be able to prove that she wasn't always a force for bad.

The 'Indian' lifted her head off the desk, looking perplexed.
"I have no idea what that means."

"Of course you don't." The heiress wasn't even surprised- Sanya knew almost nothing of the world. How sheltered a life had she led? "You're definitely coming with me."
She tugged at Sanya's arm, that she had been resting her head on, and then pulled it.
"Come on-" she adjusted the satchel that hung off her other arm, "we'll have a day of feminine fun."

Sanya allowed herself to be pulled up from her seat, but her expression and tone were far from excited for the sojourn Mina wanted them to go on.
"That sounds horrible." She said flatly. "But algebra is very bad, too."

"Lesser of two evils." Mina shrugged, dragging her to the door and then to the outside hallway. "What shall we do- oh, we could find those hot springs- have you ever been skinny dipping?"

A thousand years ago.
Did sex in the Ocean count as skinny dipping? They had both been naked, after all.
"I don't intend on anyone seeing me naked." She replied. "You're beautiful, Mina, but no."

"It isn't supposed to be anything like that." She laughed at the insinuation, but couldn't help a blush. "Just because I spent half my life in France, doesn't mean I'm loose, you know-" well, not much, "oh, Ms. Potts!"

"Girls, why aren't you in class?" Ms. Potts didn't bother with any formalities- Sanya never said anything, and Mina Starling would probably say something mean. "And don't say you have a break- it's the first class-"

"Our periods started." Sanya interrupted her- she remembered when she'd told Meggie that periods could be used as an excuse for anything. "We're just going to get pads."

"You poor dears." Though her words sounded sarcastic, Ms. Potts looked deeply sympathetic. "Both of you, though- hm, I suppose it's true, what doctors say about women who live in close quarters- oh, speaking of doctors, you need to call Dr. Wright today, Sanya."

She made a face, "Why? He's checked up on me enough already!"
The miscarriage had been over a- no, it had been- if it was after midnight- then the ninth-
Oh.
Today was the ninth of November. Exactly one month.
One month since the miscarriage. One month since she'd lost the baby.
Another baby.
"I'm fine!" She argued, forcing herself to push down the realisation. "Seriously, if Nick calls again, you talk to him-"

To Mina's and Sanya's surprise, red spots appeared on the teacher's cheeks.
"D-don't be silly." She said, stammering a bit. "Why ever should I speak to him?"

"Oh my, Ms. Potts, you have a crush on the good doctor!" Mina crowed, giggling.

"Have you even met him?" Sanya asked, her expression disgusted. "I mean, he spent all his time in the san- don't tell me you fell in love on the telephone, that's just pathetic-"

"Hush, it's cute-" Mina frowned, suddenly, "but don't take his last name, though, Evelyn Wright sounds too posh, and you're certainly not posh-"

And there it was, the something mean.
"Hold your tongue, Starling. It isn't your place to know everything- and you, Rainsford, do you not know what was said in Matthew-" she couldn't remember the number, "the Gospel of Matthew? Do not judge, or you will be judged, you know."

"I'm not Christian, and the only Matthew I know is my dead adopted father, Matthew Rainsford." Sanya said blandly.
He had taken the Rainsford name, Maude had told her proudly. The old lady had told her it was because of how venerated and old a family the Rainsfords were- but Sanya thought it was probably because his surname by birth, Nutterby, was not to his liking.
What did it matter what she thought, though- she didn't know him.
"And I can judge if it's something that pathetic- I mean, making friends over the telephone and in letters is alright, but falling in love? I-"

"Go, go, go to the washroom." Ms. Potts was late to meet the Headmistress- and she was letting herself be distracted by these two twits. "If you feel ill, go to Matron- but be back to class immediately, otherwise!"

Mina smiled at her, and grabbed Sanya's hand, dragging her down the corridor and to the entrance hall- and then outside-

"We should have changed." Sanya muttered, as she hugged herself.
She and Mina had run out of school using the back gate, the one she always used to head to the forest. She sneaked out using it all the time- and the guard at the front gate even saw her leave half the time. At this rate, she was sure the entrance was kept open specifically for her.
"I hate walking around in uniform."

"We'll head into town and shop!" Mina exclaimed, looking as though she'd found the cure for all the diseases in the world. "Oh, yes, it's a plan-"

"We don't have any money." Sanya hadn't even brought anything with her- mainly because she hadn't brought anything to class. Not a satchel, or notebook, or pens- she sat at the back, and really had intended to sleep. "I'm not stealing."

"Oh, bollocks, I'm not going to make you steal."
Though that would've been fun, too.
Mina patted the satchel she carried, "I always have money with me, no matter what. No arguments about me paying for you- I have enough money to shop for our whole dorm. You should carry money everywhere, too- you never know when you might get into sticky situations."

"I'd have to get into situations for them to be sticky." She shrugged- she never really did anything. Well, she did Edmund, but apart from that- nothing. She was fine with that- though it really was such a change from her old life. She'd thought she was one of the least busy Princesses- but now, as she was an ordinary person, and not an active Princess? She'd definitely been very busy. "What do you want to shop for?"
Oh, she wished they had grabbed Bonnie from the sixth's classroom. But all the teachers for the sixth-form were extreme sticklers, and she knew that even if Bonnie had been bleeding out, the teachers would have finished the portion they were teaching, and then taken her to the sanatorium.
Sanya wondered if she had a tendency to exaggerate.

Mina was about to answer, but then she thought that it was better to let Sanya decide at least one thing about the outing. She had the feeling that her friend wasn't as enthusiastic about this as she was.
"What do you like shopping for?"

"I've never really been shopping." Sanya replied, feeling strangely at ease, despite her reluctance. "I mean, Grandmother took me out sometimes, but I mainly just sat somewhere while she got everything. And Ed and I go to bookshops a lot, but I make him buy what I want- I'm too-"

Goodness gracious, Mina had so much work to do with her.
"Do you like clothes?"

The brunette looked surprised, "I- yes? I think so- I mean, better than walking about naked-"
And she had really liked that lavender gown she'd worn to Caspian's coronation ball- she'd have asked for more in that style, had she stayed in Narnia.

Mina gave an exaggerated sigh, "I can work with that. As long as I can dress you- oh, where did you get those earrings, by the way? I've been meaning to ask for ages."

"Oh-" Sanya touched her ear, smiling a little as she felt the shape of the star earrings, "Ed gave them to me. I don't know from where."
Wherever it was- it wasn't in this world.

"Ah." She looked disappointed. It wasn't real silver, then- and definitely not gold painted silver. "Merci for telling me. Now, come, we'll buy the nicest clothes, and I can assure you, they'll take your Eddie's breath away-"

"Ed doesn't care what I wear." She snorted. "He prefers it when I don't wear anything. And vice-versa."

Mina blinked very rapidly. She was so rarely surprised, that on the few occasions she was, it utterly disoriented her.
"That- that- oh, May was telling me that you two have- that you said- last year-"

"I was lying, then." She grinned- she assumed she meant the 'what if he's already got into my knickers' moment. "We started having sex a few months ago."
Then she slapped a hand against her mouth.
"Shit- shit! That was supposed to be a secret- we were supposed to keep it to each other- not tell anyone-"

"Calm down." She looked amused. "I can keep a secret, and premarital sex isn't the worst thing a friend of mine has done. Far from, really."

Sanya couldn't help but ask, "What is the worst thing a friend of yours has done?"
Ed was right. She was as curious as the proverbial cat.

"Ah, I would love to tell you, Sanya, but like I said- I can keep a secret." Her signature smirk played about her lips. "Let's just say, a boarding academy made up entirely of posh, high-class girls has more than its share of drama and debauchery."

"Not anything like plain and simple ol' St. Finbar's, then?" Sanya asked, laughing. "Why'd you leave that academy?"

A dark shadow came over Mina's face, and she looked ahead.

They were halfway to town- which Sanya knew because it was at this point that her knee started hurting- but she didn't think that looking at the path was what Mina was doing.
The path was interesting, though. It was cobbled, just like the path to those shops, and were lined with hedges on both sides- and it had rained, and she was rather sure there would soon come puddles.
She would have jumped in them, but she wasn't wearing those rubber boots people here wore in rainy weather. Yet again, even the slightest joy was stolen from her.

"I was expelled." Mina said- her tone was firm, cocksure as always, but something brittle was there, regardless. "I- do you know what a midnight picnic is?"

"In theory."

"Well, we had one. I brought drugs, so we had even more fun than usual. And then we got caught, and all the bitches snitched on me." She snorted, but there was no trace of humour. "They were the ones who practically inhaled the heroin- don't even get me started on the cigarettes-"

"You smoke?" Sanya didn't know why she was questioning that first- she didn't know much about drugs, but she knew heroin was more severe than smokes. "You're not even sixteen yet."
It was Seraphina's birthday soon. The twentieth of November- it was in eleven days. She'd find some flowers, and bury them near Edmund and she's spot on the day. She'd done it for all her children's birthdays, in the past two years. For her brother's, she drew stick figures, and buried the papers- it had been Sameer's hobby, drawing and playing with stick-figure dolls.
She couldn't think of anything else to do.

"I practically am." She gave her a look- her birthday was the first of December. "And I used to. I wasn't an addict or anything-" she rolled her eyes, "but it was nice to smoke, and to have the heroin. It took my mind off life."

"Wh-what?"

"What about that did you not understand?"

"Drugs help you disassociate?" She hadn't known that. She'd just thought they hurt the brain and the body. "They help you forget?"

"Yes." She looked at her like she was insane. "Why? What've you to forget?"

"More than you know." She said shortly. "Does- does heroin do that?"

"Heroin's better for making you happy. Euphoric, and all."

Ecstatic euphoria.
But she had Edmund for that.
He didn't help her forget, though. She still saw their corpses. She still felt the grief.
She just wanted to forget it all.

Mina tapped a finger against her cheek. "Amphetamines won't work for you- pity, my mum has that to keep energetic, I'd have easily got some for you. Ether- no, I don't think it's found here. If you want to forget, you should just have vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. You won't remember your own name."
She wrinkled her nose.
"I don't drink, though, except wine at parties."

Sanya didn't drink, either. She didn't even have alcohol, and now she was entertaining taking drugs?
But if they really did what Mina said- if they made her happy, if they made her feel light, if they made her forget- wouldn't it be such a relief? Wouldn't it be such a comfort, after so much pain?
"I'll keep that in mind." She said tightly, knowing she would think about this for a long time. "Um-"

"How did you get those scars?" Mina asked suddenly, looking at her friend. "The ones on your collarbone and side. Matron was very concerned."
So was she. They did not look like scars belonging to a clumsy scatterbrain- but scars that someone who'd gone through something awful would have.

"Operations. Back in India." She'd had a month to think of an excuse- and she'd taken a note from Bonnie's illness. "I was rather young, I don't really remember it, but I think it was about my heart- the collarbone one- and the one on the side was because of- of-" shit, what was the name!?, "the little thing that stores bile."

"Gall bladder?"

Sanya nodded.

"I see." Mina said, not quite sure whether to believe her. It was plausible enough- but those didn't truly look like surgery scars. Then again, though she had gone to India, she didn't know how they carried out medical operations there. Perhaps they tackled them in a different way. "Any more of these scars?"

"No." Not as significant- and definitely none that were visible in this world, thankfully. "Coming back to shopping- I need stockings. I tore mine on a branch a few days ago."

"I hate that this silly school makes us wear stockings after September." Mina grumbled, taking Sanya's hand so that the brunette could guide her over the puddles that were there on this part of the road. "In my academy, we were allowed to choose whether to wear socks or stockings- no matter the season- and we could even choose the length of sock-"

"Socks come in different lengths?" She was learning many things today. "I thought they were all just above the ankle, and then anything longer is a stocking."
She wore stockings all the time, too, not just in winter and spring, as was the rule. Susan and Lucy had been wearing socks when Sanya had been transported here- but she had been put in stockings. It made sense, she supposed. The weather was always cold to her- and stockings protected better than socks.

"Sanya." Mina said, very seriously. "You're the most unaware person I've ever met."

"Thanks?"

"We'll get you many, many pairs of socks."

"I don't need socks." Sanya said, as she stepped in a puddle and felt cold water slosh in her shoes. Great. Joy, but twisted such that it brought pain- pain here being a soon-to-come cold. "I just need a pair of stockings."

"No, we'll get you knee-socks." She giggled, though Sanya could not understand why. "Believe me, half the girls at my last school found boyfriends because of knee-socks."

"I already have a boyfriend-"
What in the world was attractive about socks? They were socks!
She didn't understand men. Or women. She understood no one. How had she been able to find twenty-one people who wanted to have sex with her- not at the same time, obviously (though there had been times that she had had more than one person warming her bed at the same time), but spread over a decade, with Cassia being the one constant partner- after Edmund's disappearance? It was unfathomable.

"Just say 'thank you, Mina,' that's all." Mina tightened her grip on her hand. She was smirking again. "Your boyfriend won't know what hit him."
--

Despite very aggressive attempts from Mina, Sanya did not let her buy her an entirely new wardrobe.

She had wanted to buy her frilly underwear- dressing gowns lined with fur- jumpers that would probably tear when she tried to button them- dresses with polka dots (Sanya did not like polka dots)- and whatever else caught Mina's fancy.

In the end, though, they bought none of those. Instead, they returned to school with one pair of stockings, a few pairs of knee-socks, eight dresses (five for Mina- three of which had polka dots; and three for Sanya, two of which had white polka dots, because she had loved the dresses, despite the dots), several skirts and blouses, sweaters that Mina had been reminded of when Sanya had idly remarked how cold it was, a sheer dressing gown that Sanya would not wear until she and Edmund had their own house, two books to read during Christmas vacation the next month (Nightwood, which Sanya might gift to Susan on her birthday in February, and Brave New World, which she had heard was dystopian and explicit), and many, many shoes for Mina.

It had been a really nice day, though, which surprised Sanya. Mina considered her more of a friend than she did her- but she'd had genuine fun with her. They had chatted, and gossiped, and tried on so many clothes the clerks at the shop got annoyed- and they'd laughed so much. She couldn't remember the last time she had laughed that much.
And she'd not thought about her dead children even once. She had shut her eyes while bursting into laughter, and she hadn't seen their corpses.
Perhaps she ought to give her more credit.
She still wished Bonnie had been there, though. She and Mina didn't get along so well- but it just would have been an even more enjoyable day, if she had been there, Sanya knew it. She loved spending time with Bonnie.

The moment they found their way to the dorm, laughing and carrying so many bags it was a wonder their arms had not fallen off, Ms. Terrapin entered.

"Girls." Her thin lips were pursed. "Where have you been?"

Sanya and Mina looked at each other, both struggling to stifle giggles.

"We were out." Mina managed. "Outside- in town- getting medicine."

The house-mistress's eyebrows rose, "Medicine? Is that what you're going with?"

"It's the truth." Sanya lied. "Seriously- we were having such bad cramps, and Matron's m-medicine is disgusting-"

"It makes you sick more than it makes you healthy." Mina chimed in, even though she'd only been at school for a month and had never needed to have the medicine. "She can call it syrup all she likes, it's more poison."

"Five demerits, both of you." The teacher said, looking more annoyed than angered. "I don't deny that Matron's medicine is an acquired taste- but that is a horrendous lie, girls. I expected better from someone who has made most of the teachers cry in a month-" she nodded to Mina, and then she looked to Sanya, "and someone whose second home is the Headmistress's office."

"Oh, are you sending us there?" Sanya hadn't been there since September, and it was a Tuesday- Graybow had Bourbon biscuits on the day, which she loved. "Come on, Min-"

"No." Terrapin's lips all but disappeared. "Mina, no going into town until after the Christmas holidays."

Mina's mouth opened, aghast- the town was too quaint for her, but being able to go there was the only reason she hadn't burned down the school!
"But-"

"No backtalk from you, missy. As for you, Rainsford-" She turned to the other girl, "you are going to be the narrator of the Christmas play."

Sanya stared at her.
"What?"

"Yes." Terrapin had clearly come up with the punishment on the go, but she looked very satisfied with it. It would keep the girl from running to Hendon at every opportunity, too. "Yes, I think that will do quite well. You won't have to be on stage, but you will have to be at every practice- and you've a nice, deep voice."

"But- but-" what the fuck? "I stutter like there's no tomorrow- and- and I don't even have a British accent!"
Oh, and the irony. Her name came from the narrator of the holiest of Rihaayan texts- and now she was being made to narrate something about another religion. How awful.

"What does that matter? Jesus Christ wasn't British, you know, so I doubt He'll mind." She gave her a look. "The stuttering will be no matter, since you'll be reading from somewhere, you shan't have to memorise anything."

"I'm not even Christian!"

"Good thing we're not asking you to head a Church, then." Terrapin replied, unimpressed. "You're narrating the play. End of story."

Sanya searched for another protest- an excuse, something- but she could think of nothing. She couldn't even say that she was involved in some club that she couldn't take part in the play- Terrapin could easily go and find out the truth.
"Fine." It was only a few weeks till the holidays, anyway, and she'd said she wouldn't have to memorise anything- just show up backstage, and prattle off some lines. She could do that. "Whatever."

Terrapin was annoyed further by Sanya's flippant insolence, "And no tea for you two either. I'll get someone to bring up some toast for you, but that's all till dinner."

"That's outrageous!" Mina gasped in- well, outrage. "You can't starve us!"

"Oh, please! There are pie-crumbs all over your dresses, girls, you two clearly stuffed your faces at the bakery." She rolled her eyes. "If anything, a little break between meals would be good for you."
Without waiting to hear more protests from the girls, she turned and strode out without even a 'good day'.

"What a bi-"

"Cover for me if she comes back, I'm going to Hendon." Sanya said, cutting Mina off. "Toast isn't bad, by the way. I mean, I prefer untoasted bread-"

"Both decidedly inferior to French toast." Mina waved her hand at her dismissively. "Are you going to Hendon to eat, or-"
She waggled her eyebrows, and the other girl blushed.

"Yes, to see Ed. If I really have to do this play thing, then I won't be able to see him much over the next month." Oh, that had definitely been Terrapin's true motive behind her punishment. "See you-"

"No, wait! Put on one of the new clothes we bought! At least one of the skirts!" She grabbed her hand, leading her to where they'd tossed the shopping bags. "The fellow should not be able to speak when he sees you- he best worship you."

"Uh, he kind of already does. We both do." Sanya replied unsurely. It was already past four- she'd probably reach there after dark, she didn't want to delay it further. "Fine, though. Just tell me what to wear, if it's up to me, I'll be fifty by the time I decide."

Mina smirked, and immediately went to ransack the bags.

"I'm not cleaning that up." She said, seeing her throw out cloth after shoe after- "No, do not toss around books, Wilhelmina, I'll kill you."

"Shush, I hate that name-" but then her tone changed, and she let out a laugh of utter glee. She was holding something short and black in her hands- was it a hood? Sanya didn't recall her buying a hood. "Here!"
--

Edmund was famished- it had been such a long day, and so much writing down of notes, and he'd hardly had any breakfast, because he'd overslept!
All he wanted was to walk to the Dining Hall, and stuff his face- toast, tea, sandwiches- and after that, he didn't bother. He was thinking only of food.

And Oscar- but that was in the vein of food, too. If the rugby captain grabbed him and announced another practice at tea-time, like he'd announced thrice last week, he'd eat him.

He didn't care that one of Os's teachers had let it slip that school would probably be closing after Christmas, and that it meant the end of rugby season! He really didn't! Only about sandwiches- and cakes- and-
"Sanya!"

"Darling."

She was leaning against the balcony off the stairs which led to a tower room that doubled as a storage space- and she was grinning at him.
For a moment, he couldn't speak.
She wasn't wearing the St. Finbar's uniform- as she usually was when she came to visit him- but a grey blouse and sweater, with a black skirt, her coat hung over the railing.

The black skirt was very short.

Under the skirt, she wore white socks- with striped bands around the top- and they were up to the knee.

Knee-socks.

Edmund gulped.
"Sanya." He said, though he had already said that. "Morning. Er, afternoon."

"You, too." Heavens, Mina had been right, the boy was practically speechless. "Off to tea?"

He nodded, not quite sure what he was nodding to. Nodding at? He couldn't stop looking at her socks.
He'd loved when she wore the school-issued stockings- but if he had to choose-
Well, it wasn't even a choice.
"Nice socks." He managed, staring at her legs- and her thighs- he couldn't take his eyes away.

"Thanks." She said shyly. "Mina took me shopping- she got me this skirt, too."
She picked up the hem of the skirt and did a little curtsey.
"You like it?"

"Very much." He replied, a smile tugging at his lips. He walked over to her, because he could not bear the few feet of distance between them. "Mina's my favourite person in the world right now."

"Really?" She was grinning again, and she slid her arms around his neck. "Not me?"

"You're not a person, Moonshine." He replied, half-serious. "You're a goddess."

The grin wasn't as steady anymore.
Once upon a time, she had loved it when he said that to her- it had made her feel worthwhile, stunning, beloved.
Now, it just reminded her that she was as far from being special as was possible- and that she no longer had her powers. No more glowing eyes for her.
"You're just blinded by love." She said, forcing a giggle. "Though I'm technically the blind one, because I forgot my glasses in my dorm again."

"You forget them all the time." Edmund said, laughing as well. Good, he was acting like a normal human, finally. "Do you sit on them or forget them more?"

Sanya considered that, "I think it's pretty even."

"So, what prompted the sudden change from stock-"

He was cut off by wolf whistles coming from the doorway he'd entered the balcony through, and though he didn't turn, he could tell from Sanya's face that the whistles did not come from actual wolves- which she would have preferred- but his school-mates.

"Disgusting arses." She muttered- her hands curled into fists, though they were around Ed's neck.
There was a whole gaggle of boys standing at the doorway, staring at her- their mouths were slack or smirking- but she couldn't even be sure what they were seeing, since Ed's body covered most of her.
The giddiness she had felt while coming here- the happiness as Edmund had gazed at her- it was gone in an instant.

"They'll go away soon." Edmund murmured, hoping to reassure her. "They're just insanely repressed- or it's because you have your arms around me-"

She pulled her stare away from Edmund's beloved, handsome, calming face, and she looked at the doorway again. The crowd had thinned, by one or two boys- but it was mostly intact, and they were staring at them still. At her. Leering.
"They look at me like Rabadash did." She said flatly, a hard look in her eyes. "That's not repression, that's- it's- those are rapist tendencies."

Shit.
"Right." Yeah, he was definitely not letting her be anywhere near that. "Come, we'll go somewhere else- I'll take you to my dorm, there shouldn't be anyone there-"

"I think I'll go back to school." She said, moving away from him.
She didn't feel hot anymore, like she had as she'd pulled on the short black skirt. She didn't feel desirable- she felt repulsed. And she felt as repulsive as she had for so much of her first teenage-hood.
How could Edmund have ever wanted her? How could he want her now? She was nothing but a twisted, cracked, insane weakling- with fat thighs and crows' feet and everything ugly, both inside and out- and she was someone who should have died instead of others.
"Sorry, Ed."

"You don't need to apologise-" To be honest, he didn't even know what she was apologising for, "but are you sure? You only just came-"

"Heavens, Ed, sometimes I am sure." Where did that surge of anger come from? "I'm not a flailing, incapable idiot all the time."

Edmund stepped back, hurt and affronted.
"I didn't mean-"

"Of course you did." What was he talking about? What was she? She didn't know! All she knew was that there was an itching urge to hit something, to claw at something, and since she couldn't do that- she had to vent that urge somehow. "You think that- when- when you see- I am not a weak, broken child."
But she was. She really was.
And she knew he thought that of her. Even if he wouldn't admit it- when he looked at her, even in love- he knew there was something wrong with her.

"What the- what in the world are you on about?" He was baffled. Look at her, and see what? "I have not, in the dozen or more years that I have known you, ever thought that you were weak-"
If anything- she looked at him like there was something missing, something wrong! He knew he wasn't the Just King she had fallen in love with- that he was far from that man- and he was sure she felt him lacking. She may not know she felt that way- but he did. He could see it in her eyes.

She had to go. She had to leave before she said something she would truly regret. She didn't want to hurt him- anymore than she already was by keeping the truth from him. She wanted to protect him forever- and to make him happy. He deserved it- he was so good, and he always tried so much. She had to go before she ruined things further.
"I have to go." She said in a clipped tone, turning away- oh, the boys were gone. The allure of food, she supposed. "I'm sorry for- for this."
She wanted to lean in and kiss him- oh, she really, really did- but the look on his face...

"I have never thought you weak." Edmund said again, because how could he just let her go like that? Even if she did see him as lesser, she still loved him. "Sanya, you're the strongest person I've ever met."

"Perhaps." Why hadn't he just let her go? "But that's not all. You look at me, and you can't help but see a damaged doll. One who- who's capable of the worst."
One who is the worst.
He looked at her with concern so often- she had always thought the concern was for her.
Only now did she realise that the concern could be for others she might hurt.
He'd said she could be Dynamic Damsel- but, in reality, she was a damaged doll.

He stared at her, and his jaw clenched. He didn't know if his heart was breaking or his temper was rising.
"I look at you like that," oh, he was definitely losing his temper, "because I don't know. I don't know if you are damaged, because you won't tell me anything! I have no idea what happened to you in those thousand years. The only thing I know is that you killed the fucking Sphinx and adopted a dead wolf! I can't help but assume the worst."

It was back to that?
"I've told you," She said quietly, hidden anger in her tone, "I will tell you someday-"

"It's been more than two years." He cut her off. "And I know next to nothing about that time. You won't even tell me what happened to our children-"

Something shrivelled inside her- and she wondered if that was how a fetus died. Did it just shrivel up?
"I told you, they're dead-"

He didn't care to hear that yet again, "You said you abandoned them."

Sanya was blindsided by that- what? She had said that? When in-

"When you decided you were coming here." He spoke. He'd held this inside for over two years, and agonised over it all the while. "When you were talking to Aslan. You said your parents were dead- and that you abandoned your brother and our children."

She had said so many things during that burst of grief and anxiety and fear of losing Edmund again. Had she really been stupid enough to say that?
"I went to Neráida. I went, and they didn't." And so Narnia had been invaded, and her children had died. "That's what I mean. "

"Really?"

"Yes. That's all, I promise."

"Oh." She was lying. "I see."

She knew that he knew she was lying. But she couldn't tell him the whole truth. She couldn't, she just couldn't.
"I didn't want to leave them." That was the truth, at least. "But- it was the only chance I had. Of seeing you again."

Of course for you. Who else?
Edmund drew closer to her, and held his hand out.
"I'm sorry you had to part from our children." He said softly.
She'd had to choose between her children and the love of her life- such a choice would have killed him.
"And I'm sorry they had to lose such a wonderful mother, all because of a father who let them play with ink and get up to whatever mischief they liked."

Sanya took his hand, and couldn't help a watery smile, "He was still a really wonderful father, though. He's still one of the best and brilliant men I know. And the children loved him so much, even after he was gone."

"He loved them, too. Loves." He corrected himself quickly. "He always will. And the same is how he feels about their strong, brave, enduring mother."

"You're too good for me."
She had come here to make him sweat and then to have sex in some closet or broom cupboard or storage room. How had it turned into this?
She hated emotions.
"You really are." She whispered. "Not as the Just King for the Princess of Rihaaya- but as Edmund for Sanya. Far too good."

"I feel the exact same way about you being too good for me." Perhaps that was why their love endured. Because they both felt they didn't deserve it, and thus tried to be deserving. "And you were High Queen, my dearest darling. Don't forget that."

“At fifteen, I was Princess.” She answered with a shrug, before taking his other hand as well. “Sorry for getting angry.”

He was just glad she had calmed down, that she had her anger in control again. She had seemed so happy when he'd walked up to her- strange how things could change in half an instant. Strange how she could change.
It reminded him of how his father often said that war changed people. He couldn't see much difference in his father- but in Sanya...

She was different.

Had he changed, after the battles had had fought? He didn't mean the one against the White Witch- he knew that had changed him- but the battles and wars after that?

And would he change again, if he went to enlist for this one?

"Sorry if I made you think that I look at you and see anything but the woman- person-" since he had never much cared about the gender of the love of his life, "of my dreams."

At least he hadn't called her a goddess this time.
She didn't know what to say to that, though. Probably because he did make her think he saw not the woman of his dreams any more.
She kissed him, instead, because that made her happy. It made him happy, too, and it was a sign of their love.

What had he said- enduring. If she was enduring, then their love was even more so.

"Your stomach is growling." She said with a sudden laugh, as she pulled away suddenly. She seriously did love kissing him. "Fuck- right, it's tea now, you must be ravenous-"

"For you?" He slid his hand over her knee, playing with the elastic of the sock. "Of course."

"Ed." She was blushing as red as one of Susan's lipsticks- of course she was, because he was looking at her, smirking. "You need to eat-"

His hands reached her skirt, tugging it up higher.
"You?" Edmund leaned in close- he felt her swallow, his fingers on the soft skin of her thighs- and whispered, "Gladly."

Sanya made a mental note to hug Mina for the skirt some day.

-
-✧･: °*✧*°:･✧-
-

Harriet Walter as Ms. Bea Terrapin

---

(Edmund thanks Mina in his prayers everyday)
-

(🥲 Another parallel between two of my- alright, Stelena isn't an OTP, but I like them a DAMN sight more than D*lena)
-

I am very, very sorry for everything that happens from this point onwards. 🥲

*checks chapters*
Yeah, very sorry.

And, no, Sanya will not turn into a drug addict. This is NoT turning into 1940s-Euphoria- it was a momentary temptation, because of the need to move on from all her pain. That's it.

But hey, apart from that, Sanya had a really fun day out with Mina??? After, like, forever? Skipping classes is excellent. Good on Mina for taking her out.

And Edmund got a treat, too, even though the treat came accompanied with an argument and accusation.

See, Edmund doesn't mean to treat Sanya like a broken doll. He doesn't even do it overtly. But he's too careful around her, too protective, too worried- and it bothers Sanya. She knows something is wrong with her, and she knows Edmund knows it, but she wants him to treat her the same. He still loves her, so he says- so why does he treat her differently than he had?

And there's just too much happening in her head and her heart, and she just wants Edmund to be there and make her forget her pain and be who she fell in love with, because that's what she gave up everything for.

Edmund knows that, I think- or he fears it. That the love of his life is looking for someone who might not be there any more, because he left that person behind in Narnia.

And they can't have that One Big Blowup that gets out all their feelings and puts them on the path to moving on, because they repress everything so much aNd because they love each other so much that they can't argue for long. They can't! It's impossible for them to not let that adoration and awe they feel for each other seep into fights, and once that happens, it's done and they can't help but be lovey-dovey again.

Ah, Psyche's perpetually damaged psyche and Eros's ever angsty emotions. A combination of the two? Divinely destructive.

Also, boys are pigs. No, that's an insult to pigs.
Boys suck. They suckkkkkk.

Anyway, no I am off to listen Knee Socks by Arctic Monkeys on REPEAT.
(Did I write this entire 306K-words-and-counting monstrosity of a fic just to include and establish that Edmund has a kink for Sanya wearing knee-socks? Maybe 👀)

And, as always- I humbly and unashamedly ask you to vote on the chapters, and perhaps comment, too :)