Everything might seem to be perfect while living in big family. You always have your siblings being here for you, unlimited support and love. But what happens when you are least loved member of your bog family?

For my whole life I could never be seen as "successful" because whatever my sisters have done would be better than what I have done. Mother always preferred my elder sisters and put all her hope in them, thinking I could never be like they were. They were elder and they would be sooner ready to marry off to important statemen and that way mother would link her with powerful and influential persons for our country.

I was born in the night of horrible winter, when it was a storm bringing snow in Istanbul and destroying everything in front of it. My father named me Aysel, the moon storm.

I was 6th child of my parents. My mother, Ayse Hafsa suppased everyone and took all of the Sultan's love after giving birth to six of his children. One son and five daughters. I was born as youngest daughter out them all.

I always remember the story we listened to in our childhood. It said each Sultana represents one element. Hatice represented water, she was sensitive and emotional. Beyhan represented air, she was intellectual. Sah represented earth, she was stubborn and stabile. Fatma represented fire, she had passion and strong desire. And they said I had all of them.

When I was 13 years old, my brother decided it would be best to marry me off for Namik Pasha, whose father was governor of Bosnia and there the situation wasn't so peaceful. He wanted by sending me there to make normal conditions. And he also said to me many times that my sister Beyhan is very close in Belgrade so I wouldn't be alone there for all the time.

With 13 years I would rather stay in Palace and play with toys than to marry to a man I have never seen and hoping that with my presence things would get normal. Suleiman actually didn't want to explain so much to me because I was young at that time, but now, five years later I understand why has he sent me there.

The day of my wedding was more like a funeral to me. My family didn't even care about my tears. I repeated to them so many times why couldn't Hatice marry if she was 16 at that time, but they would stay silent at that. The reason was because they preferred Hatice and wanted her to stay with them in the Palace, and they, especially my mother, didn't care about my presence or absence.

My elder sisters Fatma, Sah and Beyhan were all married off in my age. I remember I was only 6 when Fatma was married off, one year later Beyhan, and then Sah. I knew wedding at this age awaits me, but when I saw that they didn't do this to Hatice, I hoped they wouldn't do it to me either.

Hatice was favourite of my mother, and everyone knew that. When mother would order us something to do, Hatice would immediately do it, but I would complain if I would see it proprietary to. Mother hated how I complained to her or how would I answer back to her, but that was the thing I got from my father who died when I was only 10 years old. I couldn't properly even remember him, but Suleiman always told me how I am like him.

No one liked when he told me I am like him, because my father wasn't liked by many people. He was cold, he was strict and Suleiman told me he would always complain if it wasn't the way he wanted. I wasn't cold, I wasn't strict, but I got the complaining from my father.

I still remember the day of my wedding when my mother entered my chambers to gift me with ruby earrings that were her favourites. My eyes were tired from crying anymore. When she saw me full of tears she became angry immediately. Instead of wishing me well, she started yelling on me how I disappointed her.

I remember exactly like it's now, I asked her why didn't Hatice marry for him when she should have marry before me, but she just took a deep breath from where I could hear she is annoyed on my words. She constantly repeated how Namik Pasha has asked for me, but that man has never saw my face to favourise me over my sister.

I never believed in her words, actually I never believed her because everything she was doing was using manipulative lies to force us to do something the way she wants it to be done. I was never close to my mother.

The wedding day I felt like they were all happy not because my marriage, but because I will go away and they won't have to listen to my complaining anymore.

On that hot summer day I legally became wife of son of Bosnian governor, Namik Pasha. After the wedding I was took in carriage and six days I travelled to Bosnia, my future home.

I remember the first time I saw Namik Pasha. I was excepting to see much older man, because Sah was married to a man who was 22 years elder than her. But I surprised when I saw a man who was maybe 5 or 6 years elder than me and was not looking bad.

He seemed cold from the first time I have met him but I had to get with the fact that I will have to spend my entire life with this man. I will have to be his wife and I could never return to Istanbul to see my family, and actually I wouldn't even want to.

When we just married I couldn't lie, I was afraid being so far away on my own. But Namik very soon got into my heart. He wasn't so cold as he seemed, he also had his romantic but also a comic side. I enjoyed spending time with him, and for the first time in my life I felt happiness being with someone.

My wish always was to know to ride a horse, but my mother always said that is a hobby for males and us women shouldn't try that because we could get hurt. Namik learnt me how to ride a horse, and he gifted me with one which I named Love, because every time I saw him it reminded me of mine and Namik's love.

I felt so happy in Bosnia with him that I understand those tears on my wedding day were absolutely unnecessary. With him, for the first time I felt I belong to somewhere, not like in Topkapi.

Later I heard that my sister Hatice was married off to a man who was 40 years elder than her. I felt sorry for her because she had to get through it. At least I was the lucky one who found a husband who is suitable age for her and who loves me. But very soon after the wedding, Hatice's old husband died.

Exactly one year after our wedding, I gave birth to our first child. A daughter we named Kaya. When I saw my child for the first time I was so happy, and I promised to myself that I will never be a mother like my mother used to be towards me. I would never make my children feel worthless how I felt during my childhood. I will never make difference between any of my children.

One and half year later, I gave birth to our second child, a son. Namik named him Mahmud.

I felt like I am living idyllic life until the moment when news from my sister Beyhan arrived to me. Our brother Suleiman killed her husband because he was a traitor. I was shocked at that moment. I could never believe Suleiman would kill one of his sisters' husbands.

I always warned Namik to take care of what is he doing, because I knew that if he makes any mistake he could end very easily like Beyhan's husband.

Not long time passed, I got a letter from my mother that my sister Hatice is marrying again. This time for Pargali Ibrahim, a man I know from the time Suleiman was in Manisa. Suleiman promoted him as a Grand Vizier so he could marry Hatice.

I remember how Namik was angry when he heard Ibrahim was promoted as Grand Vizier.

"Piri Mehmed Pasha was last 'Grand Vizier', now your brother Sultan made slave to the highest position in this country. Why should we Ottomans even try when those slaves are getting better things than we do."

"My family serves this country for so many years. My great-greatgrandfather was woth your ancestor Sultan Mehmed standing arm-to-arm while they occupied Istanbul. We serve for so many years and still get no chance to enter Divan."

I knew Namik was right, but his constant complaining annoyed me a lot. For all those five years I was happy with him and lived my life from a dream, but in the last time everything he cared about were politics and how could he get in Divan.

"This is why they always preferred your sister Hatice. And look, she fell in love with Ibrahim and now they promoted him to be Grand Vizier just to be with him. We are married for four years and your brother didn't even invite me to participate in any gathering of Divan. You see how your sister is so much more influential than you are!"

After those words I didn't know how could I stand this anymore with Namik. He was right. Everything he said was true. They always preferred Hatice more than me. I understand it all, but what he was doing was to passive-agressively manipulate over me to make something so he could get in Divan.

"You should write a letter to your brother that we want to visit them. There maybe we could do something to stay in Istanbul. I could get into Divan and we could have more influence," Namik said and with each his word I was even more annoyed of this whole situation.

"Namik, I don't want to go to Istanbul. I was happy here, and I thought you were happy with me and with our family, but obviously everything you wanted was to get in Divan," I said him agressive and he didn't except this as I was never like this to him.

"Fahriye, I love you and our children the most in this world. You are only thing that matter to me, the most precious ones I have," Namik said as he placed his hands on my cheeks looking me in eyes.

"I won't fall for those words Namik when in the last time, since Ibrahim was promoted, you talk only about that," I said and stepped back looking at another way.

"Don't you want to support your husband as your sisters all do? They all fight for the influence and maybe one day we will need it," Namik said and I just rolled with my eyes.

"There are always tensions in Bosnia, who knows when the war could start. You and children would be much more peaceful in Istanbul," he said.

"I am tired Namik, I am tired of this and Istanbul and your wish for politics, I can't stand it," I yelled on him for the first time in those five years of marriage.

"I will write a letter, we will go there. But don't except for me to beg my brother to give you position. You will try to get it by yourself alone. You won't get your position just because you are married to Sultana," I said.